still_me
01-04-2008, 08:16 PM
I want to say thank you to alrighty roo. I am a stranger to her, but she took time in her life to write me. She helped me find the strength and courage to write this.
My first pregnancy was a bit of a trip. The doctors told me that I had contacted CMV which is a virus that can attack the baby's nervous system if the mother gets it while she is pregnant. I had worked at a day care and a little girl had it there. Come to find out I had it before I got pregnant. All was well with the baby and his delivery was fast and we both were fine.
My second pregnancy was smooth sailing. We had a great doctor who pulled no punches and got along great with our family. I told him my first son came fast (4hrs from beginning to end) and I was a little concerned with my second being as fast or faster. He told me I'd be fine and after my due date scheduled for me to be induced on Oct 31st.
At 10:00pm Oct 30th I took a cold shower because I started to feel a little woozy. I thought it was nerves and laid down. 11:00 I stood up to pee and fluid was coming down my leg. I had this before but when I rushed to the doctor he told me I had just lost control of my bladder and peed. It became a family joke and so I went to use the bathroom. I laid back down and called for my husband. He came and laid down with me and then got up to get a heating pad. 11:08 He came back to me in pain. I had him check the time and again when it came back 11:13. No way! five minutes? He called for my mom downstairs she came up, took one look and me and told him to start the car (the women came in for two weeks to help us. smooches momma) I stood and immediately started shaking uncontrollably. 11:20 on our way to the hospital. We were excited but scared. My contractions were crazy and I was in a lot of pain. We got to the ER the nurse told me it was probably nothing and that this happens all the time. I have never wanted to punch someone in my life so badly. As I have wrote before I look young and looking young for some reason means you are an idiot. They checked me and admitted me right away. I was 8cm.
12:00 they gave me an IV drug. I didn't want an epidural and it was too late anyways. At this point no doctor by the way. (mine wasn't on. They were calling a doctor that I hadn't had before) The nurses said that they keep calling him but couldn't reach him. At this point I don't remember much except for having no control of my body. I always thought with labor "okay just keep it together " or "Women have been doing this for centuries. I'm not the first and not the last." I will admit I always thought women who screamed or were aggressive in labor were being a little dramatic. I know I'm a bitch..lalala I was wrong. I'll admit it. No doctor still and I started to get a little freaked out. My husband was asking what was going on and I could see the fear start to creep into my mom's eyes. My mom NEVER shows fear. I began to pray in between bouts of pain.
FINALLY! A doctor. What time? 1:20. Yes 1:20. He popped his head in the door with his hat still on and coat. He scrubbed up and as he put on his cover, gloves and told me to roll onto my back. I couldn't. I could control my body. I kept thinking "just roll over. Why can't you roll over?" My sweet husband rolled me over and I said "I have to push" He told me don't and I said, "SIR, I AM PUSHING" At least now, I find humor in that. For some reason I kept saying mam' and sir. I felt something pushing hard down there and I thought "wait a minute, no way, that isn't normal." You see, still to this day I don't know if I really was given any drugs. As I look back I don't think I was. I had IV drugs the first time and let me tell you I didn't feel anything like this. What I felt was my baby's head coming out. I still hadn't even pushed. Just rolling me over let him start to come out.
I pushed 4 or 5 times and Garrett Phillip was born @ 1:31. The doctor cut his cord. Yes, the asshole didn't even offer that to my husband and the nurses took him. He told a nurse to give me pictocin (SP?). I asked why and he told me "so you don't bleed to death". When I asked again why he said I had "some big blood clots that needed to come out and stop shaking." He then started stitching me up. It took him 20 minutes. At some point a nurse had given me more or the first dose of the IV drug again and it started to take. Along with that I started shaking again. This time the shock shakes were so bad I could control myself. He then yelled at me to "stop moving and to "stay on the table were I put you." Since the drug took effect by now I could think a little more clearly and thought "I can't you prick" and I started to get pissed. Immediately I felt guilty. Here I had just had my baby. I couldn't be angry. I couldn't ruin this time. So I pushed it away and tried to "control" myself. He finally finished and a nurse came with warm blankets for me. When I could stop shaking I finally got to hold my baby. He was 21 1/2 inches and 8lbs 1oz. My sweet baby was here. I was able to nurse when he wanted and all went well. I never was checked out by any doctor again until the day I left. My doctor stopped by to see the baby and to say sorry that he wasn't the one to deliver. I told him all went well and thank you. He asked if I had been seen yet and I told him no. He left the room, came back, and told me the doctor that delivered the baby would come check me. He never did. My doctor came back the day I was leaving and checked me.
As I write this still part of me feels like I'm just blowing this up to be much more than it really was. I understand now that letting myself feel this way was what stopped me from being able to focus on my baby and bond with him. Some may never understand, some may try but not be able to ,and some may. All I hope is no one ever has to feel guilty for doing nothing. Guilty for having their baby and having someone treat them crap. Guilty for not feeling like they love their son enough. Guilty for not standing up for themselves and the child they are supposed to protect. Thank God he is fine because if something had happened to him I don't think I could of taken it.
My first pregnancy was a bit of a trip. The doctors told me that I had contacted CMV which is a virus that can attack the baby's nervous system if the mother gets it while she is pregnant. I had worked at a day care and a little girl had it there. Come to find out I had it before I got pregnant. All was well with the baby and his delivery was fast and we both were fine.
My second pregnancy was smooth sailing. We had a great doctor who pulled no punches and got along great with our family. I told him my first son came fast (4hrs from beginning to end) and I was a little concerned with my second being as fast or faster. He told me I'd be fine and after my due date scheduled for me to be induced on Oct 31st.
At 10:00pm Oct 30th I took a cold shower because I started to feel a little woozy. I thought it was nerves and laid down. 11:00 I stood up to pee and fluid was coming down my leg. I had this before but when I rushed to the doctor he told me I had just lost control of my bladder and peed. It became a family joke and so I went to use the bathroom. I laid back down and called for my husband. He came and laid down with me and then got up to get a heating pad. 11:08 He came back to me in pain. I had him check the time and again when it came back 11:13. No way! five minutes? He called for my mom downstairs she came up, took one look and me and told him to start the car (the women came in for two weeks to help us. smooches momma) I stood and immediately started shaking uncontrollably. 11:20 on our way to the hospital. We were excited but scared. My contractions were crazy and I was in a lot of pain. We got to the ER the nurse told me it was probably nothing and that this happens all the time. I have never wanted to punch someone in my life so badly. As I have wrote before I look young and looking young for some reason means you are an idiot. They checked me and admitted me right away. I was 8cm.
12:00 they gave me an IV drug. I didn't want an epidural and it was too late anyways. At this point no doctor by the way. (mine wasn't on. They were calling a doctor that I hadn't had before) The nurses said that they keep calling him but couldn't reach him. At this point I don't remember much except for having no control of my body. I always thought with labor "okay just keep it together " or "Women have been doing this for centuries. I'm not the first and not the last." I will admit I always thought women who screamed or were aggressive in labor were being a little dramatic. I know I'm a bitch..lalala I was wrong. I'll admit it. No doctor still and I started to get a little freaked out. My husband was asking what was going on and I could see the fear start to creep into my mom's eyes. My mom NEVER shows fear. I began to pray in between bouts of pain.
FINALLY! A doctor. What time? 1:20. Yes 1:20. He popped his head in the door with his hat still on and coat. He scrubbed up and as he put on his cover, gloves and told me to roll onto my back. I couldn't. I could control my body. I kept thinking "just roll over. Why can't you roll over?" My sweet husband rolled me over and I said "I have to push" He told me don't and I said, "SIR, I AM PUSHING" At least now, I find humor in that. For some reason I kept saying mam' and sir. I felt something pushing hard down there and I thought "wait a minute, no way, that isn't normal." You see, still to this day I don't know if I really was given any drugs. As I look back I don't think I was. I had IV drugs the first time and let me tell you I didn't feel anything like this. What I felt was my baby's head coming out. I still hadn't even pushed. Just rolling me over let him start to come out.
I pushed 4 or 5 times and Garrett Phillip was born @ 1:31. The doctor cut his cord. Yes, the asshole didn't even offer that to my husband and the nurses took him. He told a nurse to give me pictocin (SP?). I asked why and he told me "so you don't bleed to death". When I asked again why he said I had "some big blood clots that needed to come out and stop shaking." He then started stitching me up. It took him 20 minutes. At some point a nurse had given me more or the first dose of the IV drug again and it started to take. Along with that I started shaking again. This time the shock shakes were so bad I could control myself. He then yelled at me to "stop moving and to "stay on the table were I put you." Since the drug took effect by now I could think a little more clearly and thought "I can't you prick" and I started to get pissed. Immediately I felt guilty. Here I had just had my baby. I couldn't be angry. I couldn't ruin this time. So I pushed it away and tried to "control" myself. He finally finished and a nurse came with warm blankets for me. When I could stop shaking I finally got to hold my baby. He was 21 1/2 inches and 8lbs 1oz. My sweet baby was here. I was able to nurse when he wanted and all went well. I never was checked out by any doctor again until the day I left. My doctor stopped by to see the baby and to say sorry that he wasn't the one to deliver. I told him all went well and thank you. He asked if I had been seen yet and I told him no. He left the room, came back, and told me the doctor that delivered the baby would come check me. He never did. My doctor came back the day I was leaving and checked me.
As I write this still part of me feels like I'm just blowing this up to be much more than it really was. I understand now that letting myself feel this way was what stopped me from being able to focus on my baby and bond with him. Some may never understand, some may try but not be able to ,and some may. All I hope is no one ever has to feel guilty for doing nothing. Guilty for having their baby and having someone treat them crap. Guilty for not feeling like they love their son enough. Guilty for not standing up for themselves and the child they are supposed to protect. Thank God he is fine because if something had happened to him I don't think I could of taken it.