CaptHeather
10-19-2007, 12:46 PM
winnie0119
Loc: MI Someone who understands
#1088377 - 04/15/07 10:55 PM
I am surrounded by people who just don't understand. My MIL thinks she understands by leaps and bounds. She has told me that "life goes on, and you have 3 beautiful children anyhow" "Jen you grieve a little and get over it"
I wish life were that easy. I wish that I could stop hearing that little heartbeat in my ear, and I wish I could erase the imagie of that little heart beating. But as you all jnow you can't.
I am now having nightmares. I wake up in a state of panic, my adrenaline is rushing, and I can hardly breath.
I for some reason find comfort in knowing that we might get answers off of the pathology report, and we may not.
I am numb and that is really the only way I can describe it. DH and I finally had a nice long talk about it. We both are scared to death to try again, fear of pain.
I am babbling and don't seem to make any sense at all, but I know all of you understand.
3 angels
3-24-02 6 wks
1-13-07 5 wks
4-10-07 8 wks. This is the one we saw and heard the hearbeat, and for an unknown reason it just stopped.
--------------------
Jen
Olivia 5/11/01, Tyler 4/11/03, Ethan 3/7/05 First BF baby !!!!
To the world you might be one person, but to one person you just might be the world. - Josephine Billings
I'm walking for Autism
girlsmom
Unregistered
Ah, having a heartbeat, hearing it and seeing it, and then losing that child hurts so much. I would be sad and grieving and wondering too, wondering why and what happened and could it happen again.
I had two miscarriages, but never saw anything, just was pregnant and then wasn't. 5 weeks and 9 weeks. Hearing the heart beat is always that first sign of relief that things are ok. Losing that would make me lose all confidense and make me fear trying again too.
When I got pregnant with my second child after having had two miscarriages I didn't get attached for a long time, and I worried soooo much.
Anyway, no words of wisdom, just wanted you to know I feel for you.
winnie0119
Member
Thank you
I was laying in bed lastnight and wondered to myself how in the world will I ever be releived again when it comes to being pg.
Everything I always took as reassurance was just thrown out the window.
Good HCG rises, closed cervix, u/s showed h/b.
Every one of those tings are supposed to put my mind at ease, and now I will never be able to find comfort in any of them. If we do become pg again I think I will be so withdrawn and hard to attach myself.
--------------------
Jen
Olivia 5/11/01, Tyler 4/11/03, Ethan 3/7/05 First BF baby !!!!
To the world you might be one person, but to one person you just might be the world. - Josephine Billings
I'm walking for Autism
Cola
2 boys are always more fun
I am so sorry. That is something you just don't "get over" in my opinion. You do learn to live life again, but those babies were all yours and you loved them. As mothers we love before our children are even thought of. I hope there are some answers for you this time. I wish you the strength to try again if that is something you can do.
Darcy
Member
I am so sorry for your loss, I have lost three angels too, 6weeks, 5weeks, and 10weeks. It is the most painful thing in the world, and noone understands what you are going through, they try, but they have no idea the pain that you feel.
Just remember its ok to be mad, its ok to be sad and cry, its ok to get pissed at pregnant women.
There will always be an ache in my heart, a void that will never be filled. Its like a scar, it heals but it never goes away.
I got a neclace with my angels birthstone, and little footprint, If you would like I would be happy to give you the web site. Just having that near my heart, makes me feel like the baby is near me.
Please PM me if you would like to talk.
I am so sorry for your loss.
Post Extras:
joshsmom
I swear.. I'm hardly ever here!
I understand and am sorry. We lost a 12 week pregnancy and we had an opportunity to see the u/s and hear the heartbeat. We never had any kind of answer to what might have happened.
Have you had an opportunity to talk to anyone, your doc, for example? Some of the things you are describing sound a bit like PTSD. Perhaps a chance to talk it out with someone who has btdt? My close friend had 2 m/c this year and is now pregnant. I know she is very fearful and takes each day one at a time. She was apprehensive about trying again, too.
I hope as each day goes on you find a little more peace about what happened and where to go from here.
Murphy's Law
Member
I'm sorry for all you've been through. If you're having nightmares and it's affecting your sleep, I'd try to see someone about it. I had to take something for a few months to get beyond that inability to sleep or concentrate - it was awful! Taking something for a while really did help me.
As for trying again, only you know if you are ready, or if it's even something you will ever want to do again. Perhaps our story can give you a little hope! After repeated losses, I'm now pregnant for the seventh time, and if all goes well this time will be bringing home my dd's only living sibling. My first ds died at 4 months, I had a miscarriage at 6 weeks, then I had dd. Then I miscarried at 18 weeks, 4 weeks, and 10 weeks. When I convinced myself I was still NOT done yet, I saw the RE, who put me on several things (aspirin, foltx, progesterone). I had testing done and nothing could be determined as to why I was repeatedly miscarrying. And finally, after 3 consecutive miscarriages, I am now almost 19 weeks pregnant with what we believe is a healthy baby. We weren't sure if it would ever happen for us, but it eventually did.
Miscarrying repeatedly (especially when you don't know why!) is really hard. If you don't know the problem, you can't do much to fix it. It definitely takes a toll on the emotions.
I wish I had more to offer you. I wish I could make it all better. All I can say is that I hope you are able to find peace soon. And try hard not to lose hope! I'm glad I didn't.
BTW, have you ever had a complete thrombophilia panel done? It's a lot of blood work. I think they took 11 tubes from me. But it can offer a lot of info in some cases.
--------------------
~Laurie
*Marshall 08/16/02 - 12/22/02
*Murphy 01/05/05
*Anders 9/11/07 8pounds, 1oz. 20.5"
Post Extras:
Mrs. R
Amber Rose...in my heart forever
I'm so sorry that your having such a difficult time All I can share is what worked for me ad that was finding daily reminders that would help me celebrate her life.
Be gentle with yourself, you are on the path to healing and you must let the grief lead you through it.
Since I have just given birth, I can share with you my experience of contemplating TTC, having a successful pregnancy and even guilt for having a perfectly wonderful DD and being so happy.
I want to share with you that I was terrified, that terror never left my side through the entire pregnancy. Even while laboring, I knew how fleeting that very moment could be.
I never relaxed and I never let my guard down, I hardly took a breath Not until she was in my arms, starign at me, did I even for one small second, breathe a sigh of relief.
I hope you get to a place where you are strong enough to find peace, whatever that may be. I wish that for you.
--------------------
The current Robinson family: Mark & Lisa, Will 22, Brooke 17, Dana 12, Joy 3 & Renee 7 mos
Our baby, Amber Rose, carried for 18 weeks. Went to the angels on 8/10/2005.
winnie0119
Member
Thank you for your stories. It is nice to finally find SOMEONE who understands me. This last week has been better. Tuesday was very hard on me. I had to go back to school that night and everyone kept mentioning how sorry they were and of course I couldnt control my emotions and had to step away a few times to regain my composure.
Tomorrow I call to make my appointment with the mw. I have completly forgotten to do that.
I am sleeping much better now, and the nightmares have went away. Sometimes during the day ceartin sounds or small things will bring back the memory of that morning whie having the procedure done.
I am past the anger stage, and now I want answers if there is any to be had. I feel like in the next couple of cycles I want to try again. I can't get that urge out of my head. I want to be pg and have a healthy baby in my arms once again.
Loc: MI Someone who understands
#1088377 - 04/15/07 10:55 PM
I am surrounded by people who just don't understand. My MIL thinks she understands by leaps and bounds. She has told me that "life goes on, and you have 3 beautiful children anyhow" "Jen you grieve a little and get over it"
I wish life were that easy. I wish that I could stop hearing that little heartbeat in my ear, and I wish I could erase the imagie of that little heart beating. But as you all jnow you can't.
I am now having nightmares. I wake up in a state of panic, my adrenaline is rushing, and I can hardly breath.
I for some reason find comfort in knowing that we might get answers off of the pathology report, and we may not.
I am numb and that is really the only way I can describe it. DH and I finally had a nice long talk about it. We both are scared to death to try again, fear of pain.
I am babbling and don't seem to make any sense at all, but I know all of you understand.
3 angels
3-24-02 6 wks
1-13-07 5 wks
4-10-07 8 wks. This is the one we saw and heard the hearbeat, and for an unknown reason it just stopped.
--------------------
Jen
Olivia 5/11/01, Tyler 4/11/03, Ethan 3/7/05 First BF baby !!!!
To the world you might be one person, but to one person you just might be the world. - Josephine Billings
I'm walking for Autism
girlsmom
Unregistered
Ah, having a heartbeat, hearing it and seeing it, and then losing that child hurts so much. I would be sad and grieving and wondering too, wondering why and what happened and could it happen again.
I had two miscarriages, but never saw anything, just was pregnant and then wasn't. 5 weeks and 9 weeks. Hearing the heart beat is always that first sign of relief that things are ok. Losing that would make me lose all confidense and make me fear trying again too.
When I got pregnant with my second child after having had two miscarriages I didn't get attached for a long time, and I worried soooo much.
Anyway, no words of wisdom, just wanted you to know I feel for you.
winnie0119
Member
Thank you
I was laying in bed lastnight and wondered to myself how in the world will I ever be releived again when it comes to being pg.
Everything I always took as reassurance was just thrown out the window.
Good HCG rises, closed cervix, u/s showed h/b.
Every one of those tings are supposed to put my mind at ease, and now I will never be able to find comfort in any of them. If we do become pg again I think I will be so withdrawn and hard to attach myself.
--------------------
Jen
Olivia 5/11/01, Tyler 4/11/03, Ethan 3/7/05 First BF baby !!!!
To the world you might be one person, but to one person you just might be the world. - Josephine Billings
I'm walking for Autism
Cola
2 boys are always more fun
I am so sorry. That is something you just don't "get over" in my opinion. You do learn to live life again, but those babies were all yours and you loved them. As mothers we love before our children are even thought of. I hope there are some answers for you this time. I wish you the strength to try again if that is something you can do.
Darcy
Member
I am so sorry for your loss, I have lost three angels too, 6weeks, 5weeks, and 10weeks. It is the most painful thing in the world, and noone understands what you are going through, they try, but they have no idea the pain that you feel.
Just remember its ok to be mad, its ok to be sad and cry, its ok to get pissed at pregnant women.
There will always be an ache in my heart, a void that will never be filled. Its like a scar, it heals but it never goes away.
I got a neclace with my angels birthstone, and little footprint, If you would like I would be happy to give you the web site. Just having that near my heart, makes me feel like the baby is near me.
Please PM me if you would like to talk.
I am so sorry for your loss.
Post Extras:
joshsmom
I swear.. I'm hardly ever here!
I understand and am sorry. We lost a 12 week pregnancy and we had an opportunity to see the u/s and hear the heartbeat. We never had any kind of answer to what might have happened.
Have you had an opportunity to talk to anyone, your doc, for example? Some of the things you are describing sound a bit like PTSD. Perhaps a chance to talk it out with someone who has btdt? My close friend had 2 m/c this year and is now pregnant. I know she is very fearful and takes each day one at a time. She was apprehensive about trying again, too.
I hope as each day goes on you find a little more peace about what happened and where to go from here.
Murphy's Law
Member
I'm sorry for all you've been through. If you're having nightmares and it's affecting your sleep, I'd try to see someone about it. I had to take something for a few months to get beyond that inability to sleep or concentrate - it was awful! Taking something for a while really did help me.
As for trying again, only you know if you are ready, or if it's even something you will ever want to do again. Perhaps our story can give you a little hope! After repeated losses, I'm now pregnant for the seventh time, and if all goes well this time will be bringing home my dd's only living sibling. My first ds died at 4 months, I had a miscarriage at 6 weeks, then I had dd. Then I miscarried at 18 weeks, 4 weeks, and 10 weeks. When I convinced myself I was still NOT done yet, I saw the RE, who put me on several things (aspirin, foltx, progesterone). I had testing done and nothing could be determined as to why I was repeatedly miscarrying. And finally, after 3 consecutive miscarriages, I am now almost 19 weeks pregnant with what we believe is a healthy baby. We weren't sure if it would ever happen for us, but it eventually did.
Miscarrying repeatedly (especially when you don't know why!) is really hard. If you don't know the problem, you can't do much to fix it. It definitely takes a toll on the emotions.
I wish I had more to offer you. I wish I could make it all better. All I can say is that I hope you are able to find peace soon. And try hard not to lose hope! I'm glad I didn't.
BTW, have you ever had a complete thrombophilia panel done? It's a lot of blood work. I think they took 11 tubes from me. But it can offer a lot of info in some cases.
--------------------
~Laurie
*Marshall 08/16/02 - 12/22/02
*Murphy 01/05/05
*Anders 9/11/07 8pounds, 1oz. 20.5"
Post Extras:
Mrs. R
Amber Rose...in my heart forever
I'm so sorry that your having such a difficult time All I can share is what worked for me ad that was finding daily reminders that would help me celebrate her life.
Be gentle with yourself, you are on the path to healing and you must let the grief lead you through it.
Since I have just given birth, I can share with you my experience of contemplating TTC, having a successful pregnancy and even guilt for having a perfectly wonderful DD and being so happy.
I want to share with you that I was terrified, that terror never left my side through the entire pregnancy. Even while laboring, I knew how fleeting that very moment could be.
I never relaxed and I never let my guard down, I hardly took a breath Not until she was in my arms, starign at me, did I even for one small second, breathe a sigh of relief.
I hope you get to a place where you are strong enough to find peace, whatever that may be. I wish that for you.
--------------------
The current Robinson family: Mark & Lisa, Will 22, Brooke 17, Dana 12, Joy 3 & Renee 7 mos
Our baby, Amber Rose, carried for 18 weeks. Went to the angels on 8/10/2005.
winnie0119
Member
Thank you for your stories. It is nice to finally find SOMEONE who understands me. This last week has been better. Tuesday was very hard on me. I had to go back to school that night and everyone kept mentioning how sorry they were and of course I couldnt control my emotions and had to step away a few times to regain my composure.
Tomorrow I call to make my appointment with the mw. I have completly forgotten to do that.
I am sleeping much better now, and the nightmares have went away. Sometimes during the day ceartin sounds or small things will bring back the memory of that morning whie having the procedure done.
I am past the anger stage, and now I want answers if there is any to be had. I feel like in the next couple of cycles I want to try again. I can't get that urge out of my head. I want to be pg and have a healthy baby in my arms once again.