Barb's journal

[Barbarella]

Well, I'm honestly not sure how I'll proceed with this journal, since it's done a few things for me in the past months.

It started as a diet journal, then turned into an OA journal, then it was a quit smoking journal.

My best guess would be that this should be a place where I attempt to consciously 10th step each day (basically, to review the day and look for things that need to be improved). I need to re-ground myself into OA.

I've been feeling spiritually flaccid lately. Not that I'm mad at God, or that I'm not believing, but everything's pretty lukewarm. I'm not sure what's up with that.

[StElmosFire]

Barb it may be the time of year. Hang in there, God is patient;)
You are doing so well and are such an inspiration. Keep up the good work.

[Stella]

I enjoy reading your journal, Barb. I hope you keep it up. :)

[hollydawn]

I enjoy your journal as well, Barb.

I'm struggling spiritually now and have been for quite some time. I don't know how to fix it.

Keep writing...I think your journal is helpful to so many.

[The_Babycakes]

You are such an inspiration. Just write whatever come's to you and don't worry about the classification. Whatever helps you, we are here. I'm glad you have OA and other groups of support. Definitely get over there if you're running on empty.

[Barbarella]

Gah.

My food is weird again. I'm starting to think about it again.

I'm really struggling, I think, with not having a current addiction, and each one keeps jumping up and trying to snatch me while I'm free.

And, of course, it's PMS time, so I'm feeling bloated, not losing weight, and wanting chocolate. I told DH that we'll probably get some ice cream after DS goes to bed.

I'm getting the feeling that it's time to buckle down and commit to a calorie count for a few weeks in order to jumpstart the loss down to "goal weight/size". I'm so, so, so close. I'm hovering between 155-160, which is a "healthy weight", but I've still got extra fat on my hips and thighs. Honestly, it just needs to go.

I also want to start T-Tapping again.

However, these things all take dedication and continued effort, which I'm not really looking forward to, LOL! I've got to do it soon, though, before I get frustrated.

[Flutterby]

I'd love to have some t-tapping buddies!

[Barbarella]

Ack! I'm HUNGRY!

I had a decent lunch. Not huge, but not small. I shouldn't be hungry. And I am hungry.

And I'm not sure what to do with this. I know that I SHOULD create a food plan again and stick to it (and will probably post it here for accountability), but I didn't do it today. :(

I don't feel like I'm slipping, but I'm not sure why I am SO hungry this week.

[steph76]

I hate days like that! Usually if I think about it enough there is a reason for the hunger.
Ate breakfast too early, pms, lack of sleep something.
Hope you have a good rest of the day!

[Barbarella]

I want to scream.

I hate this. I hate addiction.

I'm becoming very aware of the fact that I NEED therapy. I love OA, and it helps with the food problems, but it doesn't do anything for the smoking, or for the other apparent addictions that are starting to surface.

I feel like I'm juggling fire-tipped jars of poisonous snakes. I don't know how I can manage all of these addictions, and I honestly don't think I have the tools to cope with life without an addiction crutch.

[steph76]

Barb, I would give you a hug smilie, (((hug))).
There is nothing wrong with needing therapy.
Several people in my life are currently or have been in therapy for different reasons.
All say that going is one of the best decisions they have ever made.
It helped them to take of themselves better.
Wishing you peace...

[Barbarella]

I'm okay with the idea of therapy. I've been in and out since I was 10 or so.

DH isn't sure that we can afford it- but, I explained that it's probably cheaper than me smoking, and DEFINITELY cheaper than me binging.

And I came close tonight to binging. I'm not sure, for sure, if this was a "binge" or not, since my stomach doesn't feel stretched and overstuffed, but my head is so screwed up right now.

[hollydawn]

I hope you're able to go to therapy. I agree, it definitely cheaper than smoking and binging. Are there some other areas you could cut corners in (financially) to make it work?

Sending positive thoughts your way...

(((Hug)))

[Stella]

Honestly, Barb, I don't know how I would have gotten to this point in my life without a great counselor. (((hugs)))

[The_Babycakes]

Hang in there Barb, I know it's hard. I have faith in you, you can handle this. http://bestsmileys.com/hugging/1.gif

[Baobab]

Barb,
I just wanted to say that I've been so impressed and inspired with your willingness to acknowledge your addictions and work to overcome them. Awareness is a big part of the battle. I hope that you are able to find a therapist to give you the extra insight, support and tools that you need right now.

[steph76]

Not only is it cheaper in the short term but cheaper in the long run also.
Taking care of yourself while young has lots of benefits in the senior years.
Hope you find the money and time to take care of yourself

[Barbarella]

Look at this sucker- way down the page!

Talking with the gynecologist was very helpful. She confirmed what I had suspected- PMDD. I do not feel sane for half of the month.

Now, I'm at an odd crossroads. I've stopped going to my Monday night meeting, in part because OA isn't helping the smoking problems, and in part because there's a few major personality clashes in that group. I heard that one of the gals is talking about starting a new meeting much closer to my home, which would be nice. And, if I'm a founding member of that group, I'll feel obligated to give service by showing up consistently. :)

Living the talk- giving back to others that suffer- does SO much for me. And I've not been doing that lately. I've been wallowing in the failure of smoking and forgetting that I've come a long, long way.

Wallowing does nothing good for me.

Neither does smoking, but TBH, I made a conscious choice to go back to it. I felt like it was that or the food, and I'll choose smoking every single time. I know I can quit that. I know what the withdrawals will be like, and I know that, when I choose to quit again, it'll be as natural as blinking or breathing. And I know where to come for help and support. :)

One mandate from the gynecologist for management of PMDD symptoms is daily exercise- at least 30 minutes. I know, I KNOW this will help. But man, I keep stalling. Gah! I like T-Tapp, and I like the quick results. I LOVE dancing. I need to train to run better so that I can have an easier time with my yearly PT test. So, there are many things I can be doing.

I'm stalling. And that's so me. I prefer to exercise in the late afternoon or evening, but I know that, for maximum mental health benefits, I'd probably be best to exercise first thing in the morning. Perhaps what I can do is a Basic Plus (15 minutes), and then incorporate something else later in the day. Rational, of course, because it would theoretically keep my seretonin level up, right?

[Unicorn]

Hang in there Barb, you are dealing with a lot of issues all at the same time. I know that it seems like one more "thing" but I would really suggest doing some regular exercise, even something basic such as walking.

Have you ever tried meditation/mindfullness training? That may be helpful, given what I have read and know about you so far. If you want some info, I would be happy to recommend some books to read.

[The_Babycakes]

I'm a wallower and staller also, big time. As a matter of fact I've been stalling all day to excersize. I hope the OA group works out for you. I know how much good they do for you, so keep trying to go. Hope you have a happy Halloween tommorow!

[Barbarella]

Oh yes, meditation/daily prayer helps me a LOT. I don't do it anymore, and that's another thing I know I'm missing.

Due to my geography, I'm again finding myself struggling with my faith. It's not that I don't believe, but I get so fed up with how others believe (and how they think I *should* believe) that I start resisting. Which isn't good for me.

When I'm mindful of what's going on in my life and I'm consciously thankful for what I have and how far I've come, life is so much better.

[hollydawn]

I'm glad you went to the Dr.

One of the reasons I love reading your journal is because I don't think I have ever "known" anyone as self-aware as you.

I wish I knew myself like that.

I think it's a great idea to start off with a 15 minute workout first thing in the am and then add more later in the day. For me anyway, when I break exercise up into smaller segments it doesn't seem quite so painful!

[Barbarella]

I feel fat and disgusting and shitty.

I'm overeating. Not binging, but it's not too far off.

I've got to get back into meetings. But I don't want to go to my Monday meeting. Sigh. Well, there's always online meetings. And I'm hoping against hope that there's a new meeting starting that's closer to me.

I don't want to lose all this ground. I'm scared.

[greatestgood]

Can you call your sponsor? It's going to be ok, Barb. :hug:

[Barbarella]

I talked to her this afternoon. She's just went through eye surgery, and I know she's got her own stuff going on.

Honestly, I just need to stop and hang in there for tonight. I know, I know the PMDD is wreaking havoc on me. I'm a mess.

[The_Babycakes]

Oh, Barb I'm so sorry. {{{HUGS}} to you. Can you pm me your number again so I can call you. Is the Monday meeting really off limits?

[Stella]

:hug:

[Unicorn]

:hug:

Hang in there Barbarella! I would also suggest going to the Mon meeting, even if it is not your first choice. Still, it can be helpful to be in the same room with others to reinforce that you are not alone in this struggle.

You can do this!!

Take a few minutes to think of 3 things that you are grateful for. It is amazing how quickly it can improve one's outlook

We are all here for ya!

[Barbarella]

Doing better.

I recognized this weekend that I miss DH SO much. I miss being a couple. I changed a lot about how I talked with him on the phone while I was out of town (didn't focus on the boy as much, and talked about "husband/wife stuff"), and we sort of made out when I got home. I feel giddy. I feel like Barb. And I feel hot! ;)

I truly believe that making time for us will help a lot. I can't replace the longing for my husband with food or any other addiction. So, it makes more sense to replace it with my husband! I'm going to talk to a few teachers at DS's school and see if one of them would be willing to watch him after school- maybe two evenings a month, or something. One has two boys, and I'm hoping she'd like to swap babysitting services.

I regained food sanity this weekend. :woohoo: At one point, I was walking past the personnel office and they had a whole spread of baked items out. I was about to grab something and then said to myself, "Wait a second- I wasn't hungry or even thinking about food until I saw that. I don't need that!" and that was that. That felt good.

I also got my period, and I know that THAT is helping a lot. I'm taking B complex and calcium now, and I'm hoping that will help with the PMDD. And, yes, I will be exercising daily- even if it's just whatever exercise I get in during commercials. I will do something every day.

[Unicorn]

WTG Barb!

Sounds like you are jumping back in with both feet. That is fantastic. You are right, DH time is really important. Especially if you can carve some nookie time out of it! Exercising during commercials is a fabulous way to get started. You can even break it down and do situps in one commercial break, squats/leg lifts in another, pushups in a third, etc.

[Unicorn]

Pathway to Achievement

The best way to figure out how to do something is to do it. Make the
commitment to make it happen, and you'll start working your way through the details.

Don't get bogged down speculating on how something will come about. Instead, get started on the best approach you have, and follow the path wherever it may lead.

When traveling along a road, you can never see the entire road at once, but that doesn't really matter. What does matter is successfully making your way through the portion of the road that is right in front of you.

Work through the things that are to be done right now, and you'll put
yourself in position to handle the things that come along later.

Travel down this section of the road, and you'll then be able to travel the next section, and the next.

If you put all your energy into worrying about every little detail of how to reach your goal, you won't ever get started.

Instead, put your energy into reminding yourself why you have chosen to go there, and then do whatever it takes along the way.


You'll never know precisely how something is to be done until you actually do it. So go ahead, get started, and discover your own unique pathway to achievement.

-- Ralph Marston

[Barbarella]

I'm doing well. :) Back to using at least SOME of the tools- telephone, literature, writing, service, and sponsorship, at least. Not attending meetings yet, but hoping to at least hit an online one. I am working a food plan, too. I always feel that "anonymity" is a given. At the very least, I try to avoid being a huge OA bullhorn, and when I do talk about it, I do what I can to make sure that people know that it's the PROGRAM that works, not ME. I'm not the one with the answers. ;)

And not surprisingly, this change in mood directly coincides with my period starting. Duh. I've been taking my vitamins for almost a week, and I've heard it takes a few months before that will help with the PMDD. But, the exercise should help. Just gotta get that kicked in the butt now. ;)

[Unicorn]

All these things will start to come together in time. The more tools you have available, the greater your chances of success!

[The_Babycakes]

I'm so glad you are doing better. And I can completely relate about the PMDD. It's so hard when your emotions take hold of everything and screw us up. It's a rough time foodwise and emotionally that time of the month for me as well. Hope you have a great day today Barb!

[Barbarella]

I'm angry with life today. All situational, nothing major. I just want a do-over.

But, weight's stable, food's good.

I'm not really sure how much I'm getting out of posting here, so I'm not sure how often I'll update this thread.

[Unicorn]

Sorry you are having a rough day! Devote your energy into the tools that make you feel empowered, and that will help you to succeed on the day to day battles that we face.

[Barbarella]

I missed the meeting AGAIN!!! Argh.

Busy, busy day. Good, overall, but very busy.

I've been much more aware of my food intake over the past few days. And, I'm refusing to indulge the spoiled child voice that says that I NEED a treat. No, I don't. Sometimes it's nice. Not every day.

And, even though I've got a bit of unexpected, unexplainable bloat going on, I've still dropped the couple of pounds that came back on. Back down to 156 today.

Yes, yes, I will be T-Tapping at some point in the near future (probably after Thanksgiving). And, I quit smoking on Wednesday.

[zinkemomx2]

Good for you to quit again. That makes me very happy hearing that. :)

[Barbarella]

Bad extended weekend. Very bad day today.

More tomorrow. Now, sleep.

I think tomorrow will be better. At the very least, I'm not eating now, and that's an improvement.

[Unicorn]

Baby steps, Barb, Baby steps......

[GaPeachmommy]

Barb, you will get back on track!

[Barbarella]

I think so, too.

I'm angry with the OA chat. Apparently a lot of people are having trouble with it. :mad: Regardless, I had a good food day aside from the peanut brittle (they were making it at school and giving us chunks. It was good, but I ate too much). Lunch and dinner went very well, though, and I'm not eating anything else tonight even if I have to go to bed early to avoid doing so.

[steph76]

Peanut brittle is evile!!!!

HOpe the OA chats work out soon

[Barbarella]

What a better, better day. :)

Weight's going back down, as expected. I'm feeling stressed, but life is stressful now with the Christmas programs coming up and with DS's sleep being wacky again. It'll pass.

I'm going to shoot for an online meeting tonight. 8:15 EST.

[Barbarella]

I've been doing most of my posting in the addiction forum, since most of my issues are related to the eating disorder, not the eating itself.

But, at times, I'd like to blog a bit here. I'm trying hard to keep from talking about specific foods and weigh-ins there, since those things can be triggers for other members of the forum.

Weighed in yesterday at 155. That's the lowest I've been since getting pregnant. I'm 10 lbs away from PP weight, and some of my old, old pants are starting to fit. All of my shirts fit again. I went shopping to get new jeans, sweaters, and coats. I feel more put-together. It's a good feeling. :)

Today was a really bizarre food day. I had a noodle stir-fry for lunch. That was fine. I ate cookies and chips with dip for dinner (and a half an orange and some asparagus). That's what I wanted. I don't think I "broke the bank", calorie-wise, but it made me think.

Junk food does something weird to my head. It seems like, if it's in the house, I'm compelled to eat it all quickly in order to get it out of the house. I didn't bring the chips in- DH did. The cookies were a family thing. I didn't eat all of them. That's an accomplishment. :) But, this tells me that I must be very careful with sweet and salty snacks, since I apparently have an issue with them.

Can I enjoy them in moderation? Perhaps. But, I don't think it's safe or wise to have them in the house in large amounts. DH is now dieting, so that will probably help a lot.

[zinkemomx2]

I have found the same to be true about salty snacks. I have a thing for Doritoes sometimes. You know, sit down and eat until the bag is gone. With DH gone I think I am only going to purchase the single serve bags. If I buy them at all. I am still debating that.

[Myself]

I do so much better if junk stuff just isn't around at all. I've done decent with my baking stuff around but normal junk food? I can eat it in unreal amounts.

[Barbarella]

I agree, Myself.

And, this is the time of year when my students gift me with all sorts of treats. And I feel like an asshole if I throw or give it away.

At least I've only been eating half of a bag and then throwing it away. :( But shit, that's not good, either.

I had a bit of an epiphany about abstaining and relapse. I am now going to refuse to look at myself as "being in relapse". Because, if I think of it that way, my head says "FAILURE!!!" and I wallow.

But, if I have a really shitty day, and end it well, even if I only had a good hour- if I turn that hour over to HP and get out of the food, that day was successful.

I will NEVER work the Program perfectly. No one will. I will not ever work it to the best of my abilities, and neither will anyone else. That's life. I will have good days. I will have bad days. But, each day is just one day. Now, the trick is to stack good days on top of each other, not bad ones. :)

[Rebecca]

Barb, I used to find myself feeling guilty about throwing food away, so I'd eat it instead. My self-talk for when that happens now is, "I am not a garbage can."

I'd say that is a big epiphany you had there. Can you write that up an post it somewhere to remind yourself?

[StElmosFire]

Bumping you to the top mama!