CaptHeather
10-19-2007, 01:07 PM
Pages: 1
BB007
Member of the Breastfeeding.com message boards
Reged: 09/23/07
Posts: 104
Loc: Central North Carolina Today is the Two Year Anniversary of Our Loss
#1711749 - 10/04/07 08:25 AM Edit Reply Quote Quick Reply
Béla and I had not been trying to conceive, when we did in September of 2005. I actually remember when we conceived.... he was going out of town for a friend's wedding on the 17th and we had sex before he left. He was a little slow pulling out I guess and our very first baby together was made. In all the time we used the "withdraw" method of birth control that was the first and only time we conceived.
On October 3, 2005 my period was late so I decided to test, to my utter shock it was positive. The baby was never unwanted but it was a very nerve wrecking situation for both of us. When I told Béla he became numb and unresponsive. I guess hearing those words when you've never heard them before and wasn't expecting to hear them can be quite a shock....it was only two years into our relationship also so I think that added to the shock of it all. I knew it would take time for both of us to adjust. I looked up my due date on an online calculator and it was Béla's birthday....June 11th.
I should have known something was wrong early on but it didn't really "click" because we weren't trying to conceive and I never considered I was pregnant. I had been horribly, horribly crampy for a few days previous previous to the positive home pregnancy test. The pain so bad that I remember not being able to sleep one night and having to crawl around the house to get water because it hurt to bad to walk upright. I thought it was just really bad PMS cramps. Never did I consider there was something "wrong" and I was pregnant, getting ready to miscarry.
I tested a couple more times on October 3rd and when the lines got lighter and lighter, and I continued to cramp I knew something was wrong. I tested with first morning urine on October 4 and there was no more positive. Later on that day, as I was pulling our trash can to the curb (I will always remember that), I felt a "gush," ran to the bathroom and saw blood...that's when it really hit me that something was terribly wrong!
I called my OB/GYN and they told me to come in on Thursday. I was an emotional wreck for the next two days. When I went to the doctor on Thursday I was bleeding quite heavily and still cramping. My doctor, this nice older gentleman, gave me an examine and took a Quant. blood test to get the level of hcg in my blood. He told me that that blood test would tell me if I was pregnant and indeed having a miscarriage. I knew in my heart it was a miscarriage even though the doctor refused to say at the time it was an early pregnancy loss, as he called it. Early pregnancy loss sounded so much better than "chemical pregnancy" as so many people call an early pregnancy loss. I asked him all sorts of questions about "miscarriage." I was utterly heartbroken and devastated. I was an emotional wreck leaving the office.
My blood work came back the next day at a "barely pregnant" level. The doctor did not want to say for certain that it was in fact an early pregnancy loss, and not a very "new" pregnancy which he said it could be with elevated levels like I had. He explained that with early pregnancy losses it's almost always a problem with either the way the fertilized egg implanted, or the way it was developing. That really didn't make me feel any better, but as I read and researched I realized that having one early pregnancy loss didn't put me at risk of having another one, though that didn't stop me from worrying my whole first trimester with BB.
I bled for a total of 6 days, the cramps stopped a few days into the bleeding. I looked forward to the end of the bleeding so the process of losing the pregnancy would be "over" but there was also a part of me that was sad that I stopped bleeding because that meant the baby & pregnancy was gone forever.
I went back that Thursday, a week later from the first Quant test, to have a follow-up Quant down to tell the doctor what I already knew in my heart and soul. Sure enough my levels then came back at a "not pregnant" level of under 2.
What made matters worse was that Béla was not supportive at all. I remember one time I was cramping pretty bad and I asked him to help me, he said "there's nothing I can do, it's an internal pain" and I burst into tears. Béla is not normally an emotionally closed off person. I think the attitude he had covered up for his lack of understanding and knowledge about supporting someone experiencing a miscarriage. I mean, what man wants to admit he doesn't know how to do something? He admitted to me when I told him we were pregnant with BB that he acted like that because he didn't know what to do or how to do it. I think it was so much easier for him to ignore the situation than to admit he didn't know how to handle it.
I felt so many things in such a short period of time. I did sooo much research about early pregnancy losses; what happens, what it means, why it happens, etc. I learned a lot. I don't think miscarriage is something you truly understand until it's touched your life. The week that I bled was when it really HIT me how badly I wanted THAT baby. Once my mind & heart rationalized that I couldn't have THAT baby is when that feeling turned into a deep, passionate desire for another baby...my last (or so I thought at that time).
After spending much time on the couch, sulking and being depressed there came a time, about a month later, when I realized that I was ready to move forward, not move on--because I don't think miscarriage is something I could have just moved "on" from, but move forward, that the real healing began for me. I took it one day at a time and eventually, even though the thought of losing that baby still hurt, it got easier to make it through the days. I made it through the one month anniversary, the two month anniversary, the six month anniversary and eventually we hit the one year anniversary of our loss.
The one year anniversary was hard on me. By that time Béla was so much better...he told me "whatever you need me to do just tell me" and I appreciated that a great deal. The one year anniversary, happened to be the day Abby was being spayed. I took time to remember our Angel Baby but tried not to dwell on the actual loss itself. What made the day much harder to bear was that regardless of the deep yearning, desire and many tears I cried and prayers I prayed for another baby that I still did not have a baby growing in my belly....that was very hard for me.
I asked myself and God over and over again "WHY NOT ME?!?!" I wanted to know what was so wrong/bad about me that he'd let some drug abuser get pregnant with a baby she never wanted in the first place but not ME when I wanted a baby sooooo badly. It was so hard to feel that He had forsaken me. The one year anniversary of our loss I was sad and "down" for the entire day. We took Abby to be spayed, picked her up that evening and other than that I just took it easy. I think having Abby to think of and take care of really helped me. I don't know if this was a subconscious thing I did, maybe that yearning for a baby was there long before it hit me as we adopted Abby in August 2005, but Abby and Baby have the same letters. I have found myself on more than one occasion trying to type "Abby" quickly and typing "Baby" instead.
One month after the one year anniversary of our loss...November 4, 2006... I ovulated and BB was conceived. How crazy is that?!?!
Sitting here, two years to the day I started miscarrying, the pain from the loss of our Angel Baby is still painful. I have teared up quite a few times typing this post. Taking time and allowing myself at each "anniversary" whether it was the one week, one month, one year, due date, or two year anniversary, has helped me to heal. Looking over at Baby Béla makes me realize how truly special children are and also reminds me why I call him "my little miracle." Knowing how painful a loss can be makes me want to hold them just a little tighter when I hug them and be soooo grateful everyday for the wonderful blessings God has given me.
Miscarriage can affect every aspect of your life and can affect your subsequent pregnancies. Ignoring it, whether you are the mommy going through the loss, or a significant other, family member or friend watching someone you love and care about going through a loss, can be very painful and can prevent you from ever fully healing and moving forward. That being said, many of you may not know that October 15 is "Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day" if you weren't aware of that please check out the Official Site by clicking the box below...not only for you or your significant other if you have been personally touched by a loss, but for anyone you may know in your life that has been touched by a loss. It has a great deal of information including Resources, How to Cope with Grief, and ideas for remembering those babies that have been lost.
BB007
Member of the Breastfeeding.com message boards
Reged: 09/23/07
Posts: 104
Loc: Central North Carolina Today is the Two Year Anniversary of Our Loss
#1711749 - 10/04/07 08:25 AM Edit Reply Quote Quick Reply
Béla and I had not been trying to conceive, when we did in September of 2005. I actually remember when we conceived.... he was going out of town for a friend's wedding on the 17th and we had sex before he left. He was a little slow pulling out I guess and our very first baby together was made. In all the time we used the "withdraw" method of birth control that was the first and only time we conceived.
On October 3, 2005 my period was late so I decided to test, to my utter shock it was positive. The baby was never unwanted but it was a very nerve wrecking situation for both of us. When I told Béla he became numb and unresponsive. I guess hearing those words when you've never heard them before and wasn't expecting to hear them can be quite a shock....it was only two years into our relationship also so I think that added to the shock of it all. I knew it would take time for both of us to adjust. I looked up my due date on an online calculator and it was Béla's birthday....June 11th.
I should have known something was wrong early on but it didn't really "click" because we weren't trying to conceive and I never considered I was pregnant. I had been horribly, horribly crampy for a few days previous previous to the positive home pregnancy test. The pain so bad that I remember not being able to sleep one night and having to crawl around the house to get water because it hurt to bad to walk upright. I thought it was just really bad PMS cramps. Never did I consider there was something "wrong" and I was pregnant, getting ready to miscarry.
I tested a couple more times on October 3rd and when the lines got lighter and lighter, and I continued to cramp I knew something was wrong. I tested with first morning urine on October 4 and there was no more positive. Later on that day, as I was pulling our trash can to the curb (I will always remember that), I felt a "gush," ran to the bathroom and saw blood...that's when it really hit me that something was terribly wrong!
I called my OB/GYN and they told me to come in on Thursday. I was an emotional wreck for the next two days. When I went to the doctor on Thursday I was bleeding quite heavily and still cramping. My doctor, this nice older gentleman, gave me an examine and took a Quant. blood test to get the level of hcg in my blood. He told me that that blood test would tell me if I was pregnant and indeed having a miscarriage. I knew in my heart it was a miscarriage even though the doctor refused to say at the time it was an early pregnancy loss, as he called it. Early pregnancy loss sounded so much better than "chemical pregnancy" as so many people call an early pregnancy loss. I asked him all sorts of questions about "miscarriage." I was utterly heartbroken and devastated. I was an emotional wreck leaving the office.
My blood work came back the next day at a "barely pregnant" level. The doctor did not want to say for certain that it was in fact an early pregnancy loss, and not a very "new" pregnancy which he said it could be with elevated levels like I had. He explained that with early pregnancy losses it's almost always a problem with either the way the fertilized egg implanted, or the way it was developing. That really didn't make me feel any better, but as I read and researched I realized that having one early pregnancy loss didn't put me at risk of having another one, though that didn't stop me from worrying my whole first trimester with BB.
I bled for a total of 6 days, the cramps stopped a few days into the bleeding. I looked forward to the end of the bleeding so the process of losing the pregnancy would be "over" but there was also a part of me that was sad that I stopped bleeding because that meant the baby & pregnancy was gone forever.
I went back that Thursday, a week later from the first Quant test, to have a follow-up Quant down to tell the doctor what I already knew in my heart and soul. Sure enough my levels then came back at a "not pregnant" level of under 2.
What made matters worse was that Béla was not supportive at all. I remember one time I was cramping pretty bad and I asked him to help me, he said "there's nothing I can do, it's an internal pain" and I burst into tears. Béla is not normally an emotionally closed off person. I think the attitude he had covered up for his lack of understanding and knowledge about supporting someone experiencing a miscarriage. I mean, what man wants to admit he doesn't know how to do something? He admitted to me when I told him we were pregnant with BB that he acted like that because he didn't know what to do or how to do it. I think it was so much easier for him to ignore the situation than to admit he didn't know how to handle it.
I felt so many things in such a short period of time. I did sooo much research about early pregnancy losses; what happens, what it means, why it happens, etc. I learned a lot. I don't think miscarriage is something you truly understand until it's touched your life. The week that I bled was when it really HIT me how badly I wanted THAT baby. Once my mind & heart rationalized that I couldn't have THAT baby is when that feeling turned into a deep, passionate desire for another baby...my last (or so I thought at that time).
After spending much time on the couch, sulking and being depressed there came a time, about a month later, when I realized that I was ready to move forward, not move on--because I don't think miscarriage is something I could have just moved "on" from, but move forward, that the real healing began for me. I took it one day at a time and eventually, even though the thought of losing that baby still hurt, it got easier to make it through the days. I made it through the one month anniversary, the two month anniversary, the six month anniversary and eventually we hit the one year anniversary of our loss.
The one year anniversary was hard on me. By that time Béla was so much better...he told me "whatever you need me to do just tell me" and I appreciated that a great deal. The one year anniversary, happened to be the day Abby was being spayed. I took time to remember our Angel Baby but tried not to dwell on the actual loss itself. What made the day much harder to bear was that regardless of the deep yearning, desire and many tears I cried and prayers I prayed for another baby that I still did not have a baby growing in my belly....that was very hard for me.
I asked myself and God over and over again "WHY NOT ME?!?!" I wanted to know what was so wrong/bad about me that he'd let some drug abuser get pregnant with a baby she never wanted in the first place but not ME when I wanted a baby sooooo badly. It was so hard to feel that He had forsaken me. The one year anniversary of our loss I was sad and "down" for the entire day. We took Abby to be spayed, picked her up that evening and other than that I just took it easy. I think having Abby to think of and take care of really helped me. I don't know if this was a subconscious thing I did, maybe that yearning for a baby was there long before it hit me as we adopted Abby in August 2005, but Abby and Baby have the same letters. I have found myself on more than one occasion trying to type "Abby" quickly and typing "Baby" instead.
One month after the one year anniversary of our loss...November 4, 2006... I ovulated and BB was conceived. How crazy is that?!?!
Sitting here, two years to the day I started miscarrying, the pain from the loss of our Angel Baby is still painful. I have teared up quite a few times typing this post. Taking time and allowing myself at each "anniversary" whether it was the one week, one month, one year, due date, or two year anniversary, has helped me to heal. Looking over at Baby Béla makes me realize how truly special children are and also reminds me why I call him "my little miracle." Knowing how painful a loss can be makes me want to hold them just a little tighter when I hug them and be soooo grateful everyday for the wonderful blessings God has given me.
Miscarriage can affect every aspect of your life and can affect your subsequent pregnancies. Ignoring it, whether you are the mommy going through the loss, or a significant other, family member or friend watching someone you love and care about going through a loss, can be very painful and can prevent you from ever fully healing and moving forward. That being said, many of you may not know that October 15 is "Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day" if you weren't aware of that please check out the Official Site by clicking the box below...not only for you or your significant other if you have been personally touched by a loss, but for anyone you may know in your life that has been touched by a loss. It has a great deal of information including Resources, How to Cope with Grief, and ideas for remembering those babies that have been lost.