I need ideas

[sol4cole]

I just found out today that my girl friend lost her baby. She was 8 months along! I'm still in the shock phase. I need ideas on what to do for someone that has experience this horrible tragedy. What are some pratical things? I thought about taking over some already made meals.

any ideas would be greatly appreciated. I haven't been on the boards for a long time, and I never thought my first time back would be because of this topic.

[3girls2luv]

Oh I am so sorry. I have no idea what would be good to do at this time of great pain I think just being there and giving her support would be good for right now. God speed little angel.

[sweetpea]

I agree see if she would like some company and maybe just be there for her. Im so sorry I know her pain.

[mommyof2sons]

I am so sorry to hear that. How sad :(

When my friend lost her baby, I took over meals. They really appreciated it

[gamrgrl]

Ready made meals are a great idea! The mundane tasks of daily life can be an unbelievable chore at this delicate time. Also let her know that you are there for her, and if she needs someone to talk to, or to cry with, or whatever she needs that you are available. Sometimes parents who loose a baby feel like they are not supposed to talk about it with others, as it makes them uncomfortable, but for many this is what they need more than anything. Sometimes having a friend who will listen to you talk about your baby, will say your babies name, will share pictures of your baby with you, is the greatest blessing in the world. It is almost 6 years since my son was still born, and I still crave the friend who will listen to me talk about my Dante.

[sol4cole]

Thanks ladies for the replies. My husband works with her husband and was able to raise 400$ for them. He stopped over with a card and told them that we were all thinking of them.

I'm having a hard time dealing with the news, because I am currently pregnant with a baby girl due in April. I want to go visit my friend, but I'm afraid I'm the last person she wants to see.

[ShellyB]

I don't have any experience of this and people here might say my advice is wrong but my gut instinct would be to go and see your friend. At the very least ring her and ask her if it's ok to go round and see her or send her a letter just saying you understand if she doesn't want to see you at the minute but that you're thinking of her and want to be there for her. From people I've spoken to who have lost someone close, having people there who they can talk openly talk to about anything, is one of the most important things at this time.

My thoughts are with your friend and everyone on here who have sadly lost a child.

[Nipple_nectar]

Thanks ladies for the replies. My husband works with her husband and was able to raise 400$ for them. He stopped over with a card and told them that we were all thinking of them.

I'm having a hard time dealing with the news, because I am currently pregnant with a baby girl due in April. I want to go visit my friend, but I'm afraid I'm the last person she wants to see.

Your hunch is right, it was particularly painful for me to see very pregnant women. Newborns would trigger the same crushing blow.

What I would do is get a card to express your sympathies and urge her to be frank with you, tell her that you understand your particular presence may be more painful and you want to preserve what little peace she can find, give her the chance to verbalize her feelings. This may take a few weeks but it doesn't mean you can't support her.

I am hoping that her DH has taken some time off to help her with the grieving process and maybe you could take some prepared meals over and give them to DH, not insisting on seeing her personally, this will be of great benefit.

If she is strong enough to see you, don't be afraid to speak the babys name, this human will have an impact on her for the rest of her life, every day. The more you can help her feel comforted, the better.

Ideas for honoring her baby include naming a star after the baby, getting babys name put in the book of life through the Church of Innocents, or maybe just a wind chime with babys name engraved on it, I have links for all of this, if you are interested.

[hotlama]

Does she have other children? If so, maybe you could watch them for a few hours a couple times a week for a while. This might give her the alone time she needs to cry. Sometimes mom's try to be strong for the other kids and hold the pain in. If the kids aren't home, she can let her emotions out.

[momofeddie]

I just read an article about this and a few things you can do that can help have been mentioned, but in particular, if she has other children, see if you can watch them for her to give her time to herself or with her DH or to get things done that she needs time to do. Also, one woman mentioned how much it meant to her to have a friend who kept calling, months after others had seemed to imply she should be over the tragedy, to ask and just listen about how she was doing, and to talk about the child. Also, let your friend grieve and talk to you if she can, without saying you know how she feels or anything like things could be worse. I have a co-worker who was due right before when I am and when she lost her baby, I let her know I understood that it may be hard to see and talk to me as I progressed. In her situation, she actually seems to prefer not to ignore my pregnancy or others' babies (she's held another co-worker's baby since), so it's best to assess your friend's situation and feeling carefully and gently, but don't be afraid to talk to her.

Also, my husband lost his first son at 3 months and he received a palm tree grown from seed. (We live in FL.) One of the ways he remembers his son is by caring for the living tree, which is extremely special to him. He once expressed how important it was to him to care for something living and growing to remind him of his son. This may not be the case for most, but for him, that was the best gift he was given.

[Coolbeth]

i would like to second the suggestion about meals. i had a miscarriage at 12 weeks last october and the women in my book club brought us meals every night & stopped in briefly. i so looked forward to each visit and meal. it helped me keep it together.

two of the women in the group were due at the same time that i would have been. one only three days apart. it was very difficult for me to be around the women, but it was healing as well. they both called me and talked to me about it and expressed their sadness and concern. it was hard, but i appreciated the support.

of course, every woman is different.

my heart goes out to you and your friend.

[jodyvo]

I just saw this thread so I am sorry I am replying so late. I loat my son when I was 8 months along in Jan of 07'. A very close friend of mine was very pregnant with her son. She was and still is a very close and important person in my life. The birth of her son was difficult to me but I got through it.
All I can say is let her talk about her baby. Ask her about her baby and any details. It will be painful for her to talk about but it will mean alot to her.
NEVER FORGET!!!!!!!!!
My friend babysat my babies ashes when I went on vaca. She also has his birth announcemet in her nursery. She always said her son was talking to my baby James when he was smiling.
All these things were so important to me.
Don't avaoid just because you think she doesn't want to see you. Let her decide what she can handle
Good luck
Jody

[mayo]

I think the best thing to do is to be there...
Understand her pains and do give her a little laugh...
Be caring and loving that's the best theraphy...

"cathug" "cathug" "cathug"

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