My new binge free healthy Journal

[sweetpea]

Yes that is alot to put in the subject but it fits me to a T.
I wanted everybodies thoughts on my diet.
As you know from my journal I have struggled alot.
I have done the points system with WW and counted calories.
Well I think that I might be more successful going back to the WW part of things.
I won't sign up till I feel I have been consistenlty accountable for my food habits.

What do you think I just can't fail again.
Im so sore.
My feet and back are killing me all the time now becaues I have been binging.
I hope the stress in my life will mello out now that the funeral is over and we know what ds is allergic to.
Tomorrow is a new day .

[Barbarella]

Are you seeking help for the binging at all?

Dieting didn't work for me. I had self-control and willpower in every other aspect of my life except food.

Good luck to you. :)

[steph76]

Why not go ahead and join WW? I know for me, just telling myself I would be accountable would not work. I had to pay money and see people in irl to be accountable to also, ya know?
BTW, I have lost your phone number.
To pm me click on my name in this post and there is an option to send a pm.
Or you can go to the very top of the screen and it says "you have-messages in your inbox" Click on that and you can type in my name to send one.
Talk to you later

[sweetpea]

Barb, I have consulted with my Physchitrist but they only can medicate the issue.
How can I get to OA Barb?

[steph76]

Hey just know I am thinking of you

[sweetpea]

Sunday

Im completly exhausted so here goes.
Breakfast 1 bananna
1/2 cup of heavy creme


Healthy choice chicken dinner 320
1/3 cup of ocean spray cranberries 130
Fruit smootie 260
Diet soda

I went to go to the store this afternoon with intentions to by food and eat it in the car but after reading alot of lables on frosting everything contain egg.
I asked myself why I was doing this to myself?

Im depressed all the time I don't like the person I am or have become by eating.
Im always stressed and my brain is always raceing so I never can just lay in bed and fall asleep.
I need to vent here now.
I hate life I don't like hurting like this.
I have no support in this house.
Im paying my cousin to clean my house.
I feel like I have lost my will to be sain and healthy.
I asked myself Why I continue to binge and my answere is .
It lets me sleep doesn't talk back to , cleans up after itself and has all the answeres for me.
I try so hard to be appreciated in life.
I just need a little back.
I need sleep I really bel;ieve that until I get Nicolas to change his sleeping patterns Im going to continue to fail.
I have only been sleep deprived like this one other time in my life.
I was on drugs. Speed.
I was always up and never slept.
That to took over my life and I became addicted to it.
After years of useing I just new I needed to stop so I went cold turkey.
I have been clean for over 4 years after that I stopped smokeing ciggaretts cold turkey.
Then I went to alcahol. Broke that habit. Then Pot. then These damm drinks at Starbucks and Q-T.
I have a addictive personality .
Hi name name is Catina and Im a food addict.
I have been in denile for years.
My life is one big circle of food.
I wake up thinking of food and go to bed thinking of food.
I steal my kids food.
I just realized somethng when I was a child I stole food from my parents and blammed my brothers for stealing.
That is when it started.
Im a survivor of Physical , sexual and mental abuse.
It started at 5 and didn't end till 8 years ago when I met a very careing man in my life that I would grow to love and then try to hurt him the way I have been hurt.
He has been my rock and has never ran away.
He takes the brunt of my abuse.
If soemone is reading this maybe you can help me find out why I keep hurting myself this way.
I have so much.
2 beatiful children a house 2 cars a loveing husband.
Im still a junky in my own addiction of food.
God help me help myself before I self destruct.

[steph76]

Here is a list of OA meetings in Phoenix. http://www.oa.org/all_about_meetings_results.htm?method=1&State=AZ&statePulldown=%2Findex.htm%3Fstate%3DAZ&city=PHOENIX&day=&Submit=Search
I am worried about you.

[sweetpea]

thanks steph Im worried about me to.
I just have to much on my plate and I neeed to focus on my weight. Well focus on getting better eating habits back.
I just want to be free of all this addiction in my life.
I need to finish

Dinner
15oz. Pot roast
1 cup cauliflower.1/2 red pepper
couple of bites of yogurt 110 cal.
1 pear.
Im not sure how this would pan out in points.
Im still very hungry starving matter of fact.
I have grapes washed so I can eat them .

[hollydawn]

I'm worried about you too, sweetpea. Have you ever tried counseling? It would be great if you had someone to help you through this rough time. Are you on any medication for depression?

I really hope you'll look in to getting some help.

(((Hugs)))

[The_Babycakes]

Please check out that link, and if you aren't on any meds I would suggest it. There's no reason why you should have to suffer through depression on top of everything else, if it can be helped. And is it possible for you to find a good therapist you can talk to about your addictions? With all the abuse you suffered, you really should talk to a professional who can help you sort through things and find a better way to cope with everything. You have made great strides and starting this journal and being honest is a big first step toward a better tommorow. We are here for you and we care about you.

[Barbarella]

Oh, honey. :hug: :hug:

Believe me when I tell you that you are not alone. You are not the only one fighting this. There is help, and there is hope.

And I feel like a stupid, sappy commercial.

I'm always happy to offer a shoulder for a cry or a vent. A lot of us have been where you are right now, and I promise that there is freedom from the food addiction.

OA was absolutely a saving grace for me. I wish my journal was still here (it was on the old board).

Please, please feel free to PM anytime. Take care.

[The_Babycakes]

Thinking about you Sweetpea, hope you're okay. Just wanted to wish you a binge-free and happy Halloween!

[sweetpea]

Just checkin in Im trying to get myself back together.
Ds has the starting of croup and is still not sleeping well at al.
Im trying to focus on portion size right now instead of controlling what I eat.
My spirits are up and down but Ive taken off 4 lbs.
Today is wonky I didnt get home in time to make dinner so I ordered pizza.
Not so good but Im trying to control it.
I also have realized that Im very hungry at night after putting Ds to sleep.
I also eat and realize I get real tierd after wards and it makes it easier to sleep at night.
Im starting to realize alot.
I have a serious problem and I need to seek professional help.
I havent found that help yet only thru you kind ladies here.

[Barbarella]

Do you have health insurance? What sort of help are you wanting to seek?

[sweetpea]

Barb , I have the states insurance and its not to helpful in this situatiion.
I have screamed for help for years to get my eatings issues under controll but they only seem to medicate this issue.
I would seek some sort of counsling myself for this on my own if I truley could afforf it but as of Nov 1. I am soley responsible for the insurance on Nicolas, they wont cover him anymore.
So Im paying out of pocket for insurce for him now.

[The_Babycakes]

Good to see ya Sweetpea, thanks for checking in. I know how much it sucks with the insurance. I don't know about where you are, but I know by me there is a mental health place that works/bills on a sliding scale and is sometimes free to people with low incomes. Also, even a private therapist may be willing to work out a low payment plan. When I saw a therapist before, she accepted $30 per visit and was willing to take it weekly.

And 4 pounds? Seriously? That's GREAT!! Congratulations Honey!

[Stella]

Just wanted to offer my support, sweetpea. :) Congrats on the 4 lbs!

[sweetpea]

This is a fricken roller coaster.
Im back up to 290.
Can somebody please tell me why Im doing this to myself
Last night I ate 9 packages of oatmeal.
I ate one of Revell's cereal bars.
I know they shouldn't of been in the house.
My son is so mad at me cause he wants desert and snack and is used to the junk and I keep telling him till mommy gets her eating under controll we can't have that stuff.
Im fighting the Frozen capp. from Q-t again.
Yesterday I didn't eat breakfast then for lunch I had 2 Vegan burgers on wheat bread.
Then for dinner I had about 3 cups of some left overs .
It was rice pasta with chicken and cream of mushroom soup in it .
Later some grapes and a hotdog.
The night before I ate 8 packages of oatmeal.
This is just frustrating me more.
I have never ate this bad ever, ever.
Have you ladies gone thru this to.
Can you give me some of your overeating expierences so Im not feeling alone here.
I keep giving the excuse I will try harder tomorrow and here I am drinking a damm Capp.
Probbably over a 1000 calories. I have had no breakfast yet.
Although I did get some of these fruit smootie drink that they have at the store and even they have tons of calories in them.
One of them is a booster smootie with spinach and things to really get your morning going and they are 130 calories for every 8 oz.
Well I want the whole damm thing in one setting.
I know I havent ben a very good support partner right now.
Im not comeing here and journalling and being honest with the way things are.
Well I am now.
So here is one of my options.
Before I got pregnant I was doing LA Weight Loss I lost 80 plus pounds.
I tried going back to it early on after haveing Nicolas and my supply went to crap.
I still have 32 weeks left with them and they didn't want me to come back till I was ready and I wasn't nursing.
Who knows when that will be.
May since Ds is older now I can try to go back.
This is there program tell me what you think.

You get 2 1/2 protiens a day which are measured. My own food ex. 7 0z oz chicken
4 fruit and 4 vegies and depending on what you eat depends what the measurement is.
8oz. diary
4 starches and a fat. all per day.
What do you think?
I have invested so much money into this program that I really can not afford to go to WW right now.
I think I spent close to 800.00 at La weight loss for my program.

I believe in my heart that if I don't get into a program where I have to go in and see someone and be accountable it won't work.
Look ladies your my lifeline here give me your thoughts and opinoins and be honest with me.
I know you will.

Thanks so much for reading this far
Catina

[zinkemomx2]

I say if you still have time left on it and you think you are ready then go do it. How old is your son now? I think he if were over 10 months or so I would be willing to suffer the supply dip. That is just me though.

I see you are eating instant oatmeal. How about making that a switch to old fashioned oats that you cook instead? That would give you a little more nutrition since it isn't as processed plus the time to prepare it might give you those few extra minutes to realize what you are doing.

Maybe instead of capps you could have some sugar free hot cocoa mixed with coffee. That is the only way I can drink coffee. Or iced tea?

I am a firm believer in breakfast. That is one meal I will never skip. I usually eat eggs, 1 whole plus 2 egg whites, and some form of whole grain, either toast, english muffin, old fashioned oats. Quick, filling, and pretty healthy. I also drink LOTS of water. Between meals and while cooking I chew gum. Keeps me from snacking while cooking and nibbling during the day.

I would make the most of the program you have already paid for.

[sweetpea]

Thank you Zinker I was thinking the same thing Ds is now going to be 13months soon.
I would have to go weigh in 3 times a week. It worked before and it took soem time getting used to it.
I like the tips about mixing the the 2 drinks. My dear partner sent me some good capp. and I could definatley mix the 2 and try.

[zinkemomx2]

At 13 months old I would definitely not worry about supply issues.

[Barbarella]

To be absolutely honest, I personally don't think that a "diet change" is going to do it. You can change the types of food that you eat or change the times that you eat, but the things you describe sound so, so, SO much like me (I'm reading "8 packets of oatmeal" and thinking "If it was me, it would have been 9").

I'm not totally healthy right now, but I'm getting back to sanity. I still haven't binged, not since March. It's incredible how much things changed with me once I got my head clear and got out of the food.

I got your PM, and responded. :) Hang in there. :hug:

[sweetpea]

Yesterday was a good day.
I made a fruit smootie with lite yogurt and frozen strawberries,blueberries and red rasberries.
It tasted like crap though.
I did go to starbucks and get a coffee with heavy creme.
Lunch was
Smart ones with chicken and squash.
Then I had my left over frozen capp.
Dinner was about 10 oz . of boneless skinless chicken with teriakey sauce on it and asparagus.

I got hungry later so I went and got an additional small piece of chicken and asparagus.

Overall I like my day.

[sweetpea]

Yesterday was a good day for me IMO.
Breakfast
1/2 cup of cottage cheese FF 70
52 oz. capp.

lunch
Lein cuisine lasange 320 cal

Dinner was just meat
approx.

10 oz of chicken
10 oz of beef
1 yogurt lite
I got hungry last night so I ate a small piece of skinless boneless chicken
I did some walking the baby in circles.
I thought I had more for breakfast but maybe I didn't cause there really is no food in the house at all.
Im going to go to the grocery store today to get some fruit and veggies and a note book to jounal my food in.


11/7

[Unicorn]

Great Idea on the journaling food. That really makes a difference. Keep up the good work!

[sweetpea]

Oh my it's been a long day.
I want to binge so bad.
It's takeing everything I have to try not to.
Oh man this is a horrible deal.
Dh lost his job today, my cousin that has been helping around the house went to court and got sentenced to 6 months.
I think my world is falling out from under neath me.
All this is going to push me over the edge. Grh,GRRRR

Breakfast
1 cup of koala crisp
1 cup of rice milk

1 frozen capp.
2 strawberries
2 bannanas

1 slice of bread with 5 thin slices of turkey
1 slice of swiss cheese and a tbl. mustard.

Dinner
rice with mixed vegtables and chicken and barbecue sauce
Now Im so stressed I had Dh go get me another frozen capp. in hopes I won't binge.

[The_Babycakes]

I'm so sorry about your dh and your cousin. :( I know it feels like everything is falling apart, but try and focus on the positives in your life. Don't give up, you've been doing alot better. Hang in there. {{HUGS}}

[Barbarella]

Oh, goodness. I'm sorry. :(

Binging will not make that stuff get better. It will not bring your DH a job. And, honestly (and you know this), it won't help with any money concerns that might be coming up, and will probably cause more problems.

Thinking of you. Hang in there, and keep writing. :hug:

[sweetpea]

Another frustrating evening yesterday.
I finished my night last night with 8 bags of oatmeal and another frozen capp.

Today it's just as bad
Im feel like Im dyeing inside.
Im not happy ever,all I do is complain and whine I hurt.
I was supposed to go to a OA meeting today and didn't baby got in my way.
Im tale spinning and can't get ahold of things.
Dh and I got into a stupid aregument.
Im trying to hit an online Oa meeting but thats at 9 and it's 8:33 now.

I didn't eat breakfast
52 oz. capp. 800
Lunch
Lein cusine frozen cafe select 230 calories.
1/2 cup cottoage cheese FF 70
1 sugar free pudding 60
Approx 5 cups of meatloaf
Brocolli

1 52 oz frozen capp. 800
God let Ds sleep tonight.
Im sorry I have nothing good to post lately guys.
If it is bothering anyone that Im being negative here let me know and I won't post my struggles.
What I mean is I keep posting that Im eating crap I shouldn't then you it gets read.I just don't want to hurt any of you all progress.

[Stella]

You're not hurting us here. We're here for you.

:hug:

[Baobab]

It sounds like you are dealing with a lot of stress right now. I'm sorry things have been difficult for you. Please use this board to vent and get the support you need to stay healthy. I hope today is a better day.

[steph76]

Sweetpea, don't stop posting.
This is an outlet for all of us during up and down periods.
Hope you have a good Sunday

[Barbarella]

Absolutely continue to post.

When I was getting close to recovery, I posted a lot of fears and negativity. It was great to look back later and see how far I'd come. :hug:

Let me know if you're going to an online meeting, and I'll go with you. I need to go anyway. :)

[sweetpea]

Good day so far.
Yesterday wasn't to bad either.
I had a nice talk with Barb yesterday and realized while talking to her that I hadn't follwed thru with anything I said I would do. so guess what I left the store and went to La weight loss signed back up then went home got my swim suit and went to the gym.
I did the tredmil for 15 min.
Eliptacle 10 min. swim 10 min.
Then the Jacuzzi:p.
I was in heaven.
Today hasn't been bad either
I took Nicolas for a walk this morning to Quik Trip.
I figured if I wanted that drink that bad I would walk.
Well I just figured the miles on map quest it said 2.90or 1.45 one way.
I walk there and back in a little over an hour. I wanted to call Dh and say pick me up.My feet were killing me.
It hurts so bad to walk right now.


Breakfast
1 wheat mini bagel
1 tbls.SF jelly
8oz. of Skim milk
3/4 cup of berries

Lunch
La w eight
loss herb and lemon chicken meal
1 cup of progresso soup
6 carrots
1 diet soda

[sweetpea]

Im going to weigh in this morning. Wish me luck.
Things have been good.
By the way I got the ingrediants and calorie count for the Frozen Capp I keep drinking.
I was discussted to find outthat it is 180 calories for 8 oz. and I have been getting 2 a day now.
Im getting 44 oz. at a time :(

[Barbarella]

Good luck on the weigh in!

I've been thinking about you. :)

[sweetpea]

1.6 down . Ya Im glad for me it was nice seeing that it is going down.
Ill come back later to post my food.

[The_Babycakes]

Wow! I'm so happy that things are going well. And CONGRATS on the 1.6 pounds, that's awesome!! I'm so proud of you. :)

[sweetpea]

Okay well maybe I should of posted yesterday I was in a better mood.
Im very tired today.I was fighting with a 1 year old to go to sleep this morning.
Well all he wanted to do was cry.I can't stand a crying baby it drives my anxiety over the edge.
Im not sure what was wrong but he is out with Dh for breakfast.
I know better than to fight over a nap with him. It only ends in me screaming at him and him just not wanting me.
I feel horrible for yelling I wish I knew what was wrong with him.Can't these babies come with words to tell us what's going on. HA! HA!

Here is my journal for the week.I did get back to LA weight loss and things are going good I lost 4.4 lbs. since monday.

11/13
Break
1 mini wheat bagel
8oz. of skim milk
3/4 cup mix berries
1tbls.of SF jelly
lunch
La weight loss lunch
6 carrots
1 cup of progresso soup
Dinner
1 cup of soup
6oz lamb chop
1 cup of mixed veggies
3/4 cup of mix berries
1/2 of potatoe sweet
snack
1 cup of FF cottage cheese
walked 2.90 miles
1 cup mixed veggies


11/14
breakfast
17 grapes
1 cup of oatmeal cooked
8 oz.rice milk

lunch
lein cuisine
2 veggie hot dogs (yuck)
6 carrots
1/2 cup of celery cooked
3 splenda , 3 squirts of butter

11/15
1 cup oats cooked \1/2 cup blueberries
17grapes
8 oz. rice milk

lunch
4 oz chicken
2 light bread
1 cup of green beans

snack
2 veggie dogs
2 slices of lite bread
1 tsp mustard

dinner
6oz. pork
1 cup spinach
1 potatoe
52 oz Frozen capp.
20 min. tredmill
20 min. Cross trainer




11/16
breakfast
1 mini wheat bagel
1 tbl. SF jelly
1 cup of cottage cheese
3 squirts of butter

Coffee with about 1/2 cup of heavy creme

Lunch
Lein cuisine pizza

snack
2 figs and 3 tbl of dried berries

dinner
8 oz. chicken
2/3 cup pasta
1 cup brocilli

snack 1/3 cup of corn pasta
2 lite bread
2 tsp of margarine
1 tbl SF jelly
3 tbl. dried berries


11/17
Yesterday was a good but bad day
I skipped breakfast then didn't get home till after 1 to eat lunch.

Coffee with 1/2 cup of heavy creme

10 olives
lunch
lein cuisine
10 green olives
broth
3 oz of some yummy wine

snack 2 slices lite bread 2 oz. chicken 1 tsp mustard

This is were things really went wrong
dinner
6 inch turkey sub with olive oil
3oz. of wine

snack 3 oz wine and 3 oz of wine

6 inch turkey sub left over I got a foot long and split it because I had not ate enough for the day.

I got really hungry and ate 1 full pork rib

Walk around the block





11/18
I was so overwhelmed this morning with Ds I ran to the store and got my Frozen capp.
I only got a 44 oz.

1 cup kashie
8 oz milk
3/4 cup blueberries

[Barbarella]

4.4 is awesome!

One thing that's great about food journaling is that you can look back and say, "this was good, this was not so good". Have you tried any different brands of veggie dog? My current favorite is "Smart Dogs" because they're 40 calories each, IIRC (I can check the fridge tomorrow).

Keep up the good work!

[hollydawn]

4.4 lbs! Great job.

[Unicorn]

WTG on the weight loss!

[sweetpea]

I weighed in today Im up 1 lb.
Shit I swear I can't win for loosing here.
Im on round 2 of Frozen Capp.
Im sad this is getting me down .
Also I am makeing good choices Im not sure what made me go up.

[sweetpea]

I am not haveing a very great week even the weekend was tough. Although I did go get a Frozen Capp and only drank about 8 oz and threw the rest away. For Thanksgiving we went to my families house and I was doing good in the beggining but then it started one bite turned into a binge. I made my Dh take us all home.
I didn't want to continue eating that way. Well I got home and decided to go to the store and picked up a Pumkin pie , Apple Cobbler , and Pecan pie. I tried a little of all of it till my stomach was hurting so bad.
I finnally broke down and told my roomate to throw it out or give it away NOW.
My days arent much better. I want all this to just go away. I leave in 3 weeks for New York to see my mom and she doesn't believe in cooking any different. Last year I put on 12 lbs. I think it was in 11 days.
I pray that Ds will sleep decent tonight so tomorrow will be a better day.
I went off the Zoloft and am waiting for Lexapro. I have to see if the Dr. can get a prior Auth. for it.

[GaPeachmommy]

Catina ~ hoping that your visit with your mom goes well, hon. Keep telling yourself that you aren't the garbage can ~ all the while scraping what you don't need in the trash. I am a binger too...it is such a bad, vicious cycle to break.

[steph76]

Hey sweetie,
Are you doing any better today?
I read your other thread while ago, I have no advice about meds but I do wish you lots of strength in the coming days.

[StElmosFire]

Checking in babe.
I hope all is well.

[sweetpea]

Just checking in. Im struggling to get by each day.I havent seen weight loss in over a week. Im either up a lb. or down 4 tenths of a lb. I just can't take anymore of this. Im still at 286. Im sad that I have to fight so much to try to take weight off. I even been walking my butt off.Im doing window shopping and mall walking but nothing. Im also not treating myself well. I have been tinkering with the fact that even if I eat in the morning and have a balanced meal I still put on weight. Im not eating much today and lyeing to myself that this is the way it has to be to loose weight.

[The_Babycakes]

:hug: I'm sorry you're struggling. :(

[StElmosFire]

Bumping you to the top mama!