A Father's rights??

[Blondie]

What do you think of a woman who deems a man incapable of being a father without even asking him? I'm not talking an abuser or addict but a loser in general. Then placing the baby up for adoption without him ever even knowing of the baby's existence? Should this be another of the mother's rights. She knows the guy will not be stable and is choosing a better life for the baby. I feel torn on this. Thoughts?

[DiscoPanda]

Personally, I don't think I would be capable of doing something like that.

I wouldn't judge someone who did though. It's hard to know the whole situation/circumstances from the outside.

[marriedbears]

Speaking from experience I still believe that he should sign away his rights regardless of my perception of him.

[vulturemom]

Speaking from experience I still believe that he should sign away his rights regardless of my perception of him.
Same here, but without the experience.

[Braydensmom]

I personally think if she slept with the guy then she owes him the right to know he has a flesh and blood child out there. Who is to decide for someone else whether a child would be the thing to turn them around and make them responsible.

[MrsKitty]

I think it is a case by case situation and there is no blanket response for this.

[samiam]

I think anyone who has a child out there should have the right to know. Also, from what I know, if he found out he had a kid down the line and didn't sign rights away, it could really mess things up for an adoptive family. That would be horrible.

[TuetonicWillow]

I don't believe one ex-girlfriend or ex-wife or such should be the lone factor in determining a man's ability to parent.

[lasagna]

I don't believe it's legal to do that.

A father is supposed to also sign for an adoption, when it is known who the father is.

[Mother]

My brother is actually dealing with this right now.

He slept with a woman 10-11 years ago and conceived a child. He asked her point blank if the child could be his. (at the time we knew she was with other men) she said no, that my brother was not the father.

My brother still wanted a blood test done but she put it off and slowly disappear from our lives. Since the blood test was never done and we didn't hear from her again we all just accumed she found the father of her baby.

Well a few months ago she showed up out of the blue wanting a blood test done and it was positive. the baby is my brothers. His wife is beside her self as this had happened while they were together (at that time they were always fighting and breaking up and getting back together, she is still trying to decide what she wants to do, They have been married for about 7 years now)

My brother is very upset, his own father wanted nothing to do with him growing up (seen him maybe one time every four years or so) and he had always vowed to be there for his children no matter what. This woman stole the last 10 years with his child from him.

[TuetonicWillow]

Take full custody?

Some of you people watch too much Lifetime tv or something.

You don't just waltz in and take away a child from her home because her mother lied about paternity 10 yrs ago. You don't just snatch a kid away like an object to be owned. If the natural father now wants a relationship with the child he builds one, slowly and at a pace which the child can be comfortable. Enough damage has been done by excluding the father for 10 yrs and depriving the child of a relationship with her father for 10 yrs. You don't just compound the damage and make it even worse.

Jesus....sometimes I cringe at what I read here.

[topamicha]

Take full custody?

Some of you people watch too much Lifetime tv or something.

You don't just waltz in and take away a child from her home because her mother lied about paternity 10 yrs ago. You don't just snatch a kid away like an object to be owned. If the natural father now wants a relationship with the child he builds one, slowly and at a pace which the child can be comfortable. Enough damage has been done by excluding the father for 10 yrs and depriving the child of a relationship with her father for 10 yrs. You don't just compound the damage and make it even worse.

Jesus....sometimes I cringe at what I read here.

No kidding.

And while I am sympathetic to his situation and am very happy that he is determined to be a father, I don't think all the blame belongs on the mother. He could have pursued legal avenues to enforce DNA testing. He knew when he had sex with her and presumably knew how far along she was, so he should have known there was a good chance it was his child. It was not only her responsibility to find out but his as well if he was truly that concerned with being a father.

As for what his wife is going through, I don't think that's entirely the fault of the woman either.

[StElmosFire]

I agree with some PP. It's not the mothers job to decide if he is "fit" to be a parent. The father should undoubtly have to sign off if he is available to do so.

[topamicha]

From what I read, he tried to get a paternity test, and the woman left. Plus, she outright lied about paternity in the first place. And, if she was sleeping with multiple other people, there was no way for him to know he was the father. She is the one that left, and broke off contact, not him. He asked her if he was the father, she told him no.

Well, according to what I read, she put it off and then slowly disappeared from their lives. There was no reason, as I said, that he couldn't have pursued legal action before that happened, or even after that happened, if it was really such a priority.

He was aware that there was a chance he was the father. He could have pressed the issue. He didn't. She may have told him he wasn't the father, but why would he have believed that? As I said, he knew the timing, he knew she was pregnant, there was no reason to believe that she knew, 100%, that he wasn't the father, as she admitted to sleeping with multiple partners at the time. Did he think that she had some kind of ESP about paternity?

Was it a shitty thing of her to do? Absolutely. And if he was invested in being a father, it was shitty of him not to get a court ordered paternity test and then turn around and blame her for everything ten years later. He needs to take some of the responsibility.

[lasagna]

I agree with Topamicha

[Mother]

He is not going to try to get full custody of the child (she seems happy, and healthy) he wants though to be apart of her life, and understandably is upset that she had lied to him. (to clarify as I realize I didn't word it right in my first post, he didn't ask if he was the father but if there was a chance he was the father and she said no.).

I've talked to my sil after my first post and she says the girl (lets call her V) is getting along with thier children and is calling my brother dad already (personally both her and I think that's a little strange as they have only seen each other twice now. But we have no idea what the mom has told her over the years).

The mother claims (when asked why) that she didn't want to know who the father was, and she never had any of the men tested. She says the only reason she did so now is for medical reasons. (V has Hyperactivity disorder) My brother was the first she had tested.

My brother put V on thier insurance and is waiting for the cards. They have spoken with a lawyer to find out how best to proceed and will be filling for visitation next month. (they have taken care of the child support already)

most of my contact has been with sil, she says they are hoping that the visitation will be set up quickly, as the mother seems to not have a problem with them spending time with V. Although there was a moment or two when the mother made the comment that SHE was going to take V over so our mother could met her.

I'm not 100% on how they worded it but they basically told her no, that they would be doing that.

[irisheyes81]

I'm glad to hear everything is working out well. They seem to be handling everything like adults, and its great they seem to have done all this w/o having to involve lawyers. :)

[camille97]

Take full custody?

Some of you people watch too much Lifetime tv or something.

You don't just waltz in and take away a child from her home because her mother lied about paternity 10 yrs ago. You don't just snatch a kid away like an object to be owned. If the natural father now wants a relationship with the child he builds one, slowly and at a pace which the child can be comfortable. Enough damage has been done by excluding the father for 10 yrs and depriving the child of a relationship with her father for 10 yrs. You don't just compound the damage and make it even worse.

Jesus....sometimes I cringe at what I read here.

ITA with this.

And with topamicha's last post. :)

[Tweet]

I fully agree with Topa. And, maybe she really *didn't* know who the father was and was scared of doing the paternity tests. I'm not saying it's right, but I could see it happening and then the longer it's put off, the harder it is to face.

[Mother]

I fully agree with Topa. And, maybe she really *didn't* know who the father was and was scared of doing the paternity tests. I'm not saying it's right, but I could see it happening and then the longer it's put off, the harder it is to face.


This is what I have been thinking also, I don't know how many men she was with at the time but I do know that there was one other for sure.

He is a complete loser of the first degree. He has never kept a job for more than three months at a time and has only had about 3 in the 15-16 year that I have known him (he is my cousins long-term "Finance"(sp?) meaning he plains to marry her IF she gives him a son, which after 4 children they don't have) And he is a big time druggie, and pervert.

Not exactly someone you would want to be the father of your child.