Am I overreacting?

[momoffaith]

My MIL turns 60 at the end of the month. My SIL has planned a surprise party at our uncle's house. It is candlelight, catered, white rose centerpieces and she is going all out. We mailed custom invitations and have a DVD playing pictures of MIL's life. It is small and intimate (15 people) and I've been asked to pay my 1/2 which is $300. I was also asked to get a sitter and I'm ticked. I would think my MIL would want her granddaughter's at her party but my SIL says she (SIL) wouldn't be able to enjoy herself if she's watching her 4 year old. She doesn't think it would be appropriate for me to bring my DD if hers will not be there. I'm pissed, am I overreacting? I'm so tempted not to go but realize this is for my MIL and I should honor her. I completely understand some places aren't kid friendly but this is a family members house. Is is wrong for me not to want to go where my DD is not welcome?

Now I am going as I stated this is for my MIL not my SIL. I'm just curious on your thoughts.

[xobehs]

Kids would be wanted there in my family especially if were at a home. Doesn't sound like a kid friendly event, but I am sure an alternative activity would easily come about for the kidlets.

[MomtoEmily]

Candlelight intimate catered dinner? Yeah I probably wouldn't want kids there either. But I could understand if you can't find a sitter. I'd do my best to find one though. Sonds like a fun evening! I would not consider it from the point of view of "she's not welcome, dammit" and just see it as an intimate dinner where it would be nicer if it was an all adult party.

[Joyto5]

I would bring her, but that's just me. As you said it's a family thing. It's not your problem SIL won't be able to enjoy herself if her DD is there. (sorry, but that's just sad). I know my mother would send us right home to get the kids if we left them home for an event like that.

This is my point of view and our family traditions. We are very family oriented.

[vulturemom]

It sounds like and adult event. I would get a sitter.

[PrincessEmilysMommy]

I don't feel that just because *she* won't have good time w/ her 4 y/o around that she should be making that decision for you!

[_MrsC_]

Candlelight intimate catered dinner? Yeah I probably wouldn't want kids there either. But I could understand if you can't find a sitter. I'd do my best to find one though. Sonds like a fun evening! I would not consider it from the point of view of "she's not welcome, dammit" and just see it as an intimate dinner where it would be nicer if it was an all adult party.

This is what I'm thinking too. Could do something else to celebrate with the kids? Maybe a picnic on the next day?

[whitnessforhim]

If thats what they've requested is no kids then I think it should be respected even if the reasoning behind it is stupid.





EDIT: Im sorry what I meant by stupid was her not bringing her kids just cuz her SIL wasn't. Thats silly reasoning to me. Thats what I meant :) I should've been clearer about it.

[RedheadbyChoice]

That sounds like an adult event. Is your DD the only grandchild or child that will be there, of any age?

[lasagna]

If thats what they've requested is no kids then I think it should be respected even if the reasoning behind it is stupid.

Thing is, the OP is part of the the "they." She's a co-host, paying a full 1/2 of the cost.

[xobehs]

If thats what they've requested is no kids then I think it should be respected even if the reasoning behind it is stupid.
The SIL suggested it, not the MIL. So I cannot agree with your point here.

[MiMi_of_4]

Personally, I love my grandkids to pieces, but if my kids planned a costly, adult event in honor of my 60th birthday, I'd just as soon my grandkids stay home. I like the idea of a get-together for all ages at some point instead.

I think you should get a sitter.

[momoffaith]

If thats what they've requested is no kids then I think it should be respected even if the reasoning behind it is stupid.


I'll do it because it was requested. My problem is I'm splitting the party why should SHE make the rules to suit her? I wasn't asked if I could/wanted to spend $300 but was told that was my half. (my MIL is worth it and I will buy a gift as well) I wasn't asked if I could enjoy myself with Faith I was told NOT to bring her.

I'll hire a sitter because I don't have family in town (other than IL's) Thanks for your reply.

[PrincessEmilysMommy]

If thats what they've requested is no kids then I think it should be respected even if the reasoning behind it is stupid.

It seems like it was requested by the sil who is putting this together along w/ the OP. So I think they should do what works for each of them since they are sharing the cost and the work involved. However if the mil had requested it, or it was said at the beginning it would be adults only, then yes, it should be respected.


As as for the candelight being a big deal............pizza hut puts candles on a table, along w/ flowers.

[lasagna]

OP, I would go with the best of both worlds, and hire a sitter for the party. Your relation may know that her 4 year old wouldn't be able to handle being there without bugging mom at every instance, but that may not be the case for your own child.

I am a big fan of having a sitter along where you are. It allows you to be close to the kids if you feel it's needed, and then the responsibility of tending to all the little details, is on someone else. They can take your little one out for a walk even, if needed. Whatever if necessary.

This worked out very well for me when I had a young nurser. I could have a very full geeky board-game evening with friends, without stopping constantly to tend to children, but I didn't worry that my baby was too young to not nurse in all that time. I just nursed whenever needed, and the sitter took care of the rest.

[RedheadbyChoice]

Okay, reread some more; SILs child will not be there. I would definitely hire a sitter.

My MIL would be ticked as all get out that a surprise party for her would not be including her grandkids, but my MIL adores the kiddos unbelievably. And that's just how things are done in our family, so this wouldn't even be a scenario for us. 'Tis too bad that you and SIL weren't able to discuss these details much earlier in the game.

But, if it's already been planned and such *and sounds that way* I'd get a sitter and enjoy the evening in the company of adults.

[momoffaith]

I would bring her, but that's just me. As you said it's a family thing. It's not your problem SIL won't be able to enjoy herself if her DD is there. (sorry, but that's just sad). I know my mother would send us right home to get the kids if we left them home for an event like that.

This is my point of view and our family traditions. We are very family oriented.

My mom loves a nice dinner but not at the expense of her grandkids staying with others. My MIL will ask where Faith is and my gut will want to say "SIL told me to hire a sitter, no kids" of course then their would be this cold shoulder from my SIL and I would feel bad if the tone got spoiled. Against my will I will reply "staying with Carlene" with a smile.

My SIL is very selfish and really wants this to be about her more than my MIL. She will say look what I did because I love you never mind she will have my check in her bank account. It's never a we thing it's always ME. That is a whole entire vent so I won't go there.

[xobehs]

OP, I would go with the best of both worlds, and hire a sitter for the party. Your relation may know that her 4 year old wouldn't be able to handle being there without bugging mom at every instance, but that may not be the case for your own child.

I am a big fan of having a sitter along where you are. It allows you to be close to the kids if you feel it's needed, and then the responsibility of tending to all the little details, is on someone else. They can take your little one out for a walk even, if needed. Whatever if necessary.

This worked out very well for me when I had a young nurser. I could have a very full geeky board-game evening with friends, without stopping constantly to tend to children, but I didn't worry that my baby was too young to not nurse in all that time. I just nursed whenever needed, and the sitter took care of the rest.

This is a very good idea. I catered some really nice parties where there was a sitter on hand for the kids. Most of the parties the kids floated in now and then but usually stayed in the appealing kid zone- snacks, games movies etc.

[momoffaith]

OP, I would go with the best of both worlds, and hire a sitter for the party. Your relation may know that her 4 year old wouldn't be able to handle being there without bugging mom at every instance, but that may not be the case for your own child.

I am a big fan of having a sitter along where you are. It allows you to be close to the kids if you feel it's needed, and then the responsibility of tending to all the little details, is on someone else. They can take your little one out for a walk even, if needed. Whatever if necessary.

This worked out very well for me when I had a young nurser. I could have a very full geeky board-game evening with friends, without stopping constantly to tend to children, but I didn't worry that my baby was too young to not nurse in all that time. I just nursed whenever needed, and the sitter took care of the rest.

lasagna, I love your suggestion and have done that too. The only prob is knowing my MIL she will want my DD in there with everyone and that goes against SIL's rules.

[MiMi_of_4]

Did you and your SIL not discuss amount to be spent or the presence of children in advance?

[RedheadbyChoice]

And what is your DH saying about all of this? 'Tis his momma, after all.

[MiMi_of_4]

And does your MIL not get to see Faith often?

[tata]

I like lasagna's suggestion.

If you are paying for 1/2 the cost, I think you should have at least 1/2 the say so in the decision-making.

[momoffaith]

It seems like it was requested by the sil who is putting this together along w/ the OP. So I think they should do what works for each of them since they are sharing the cost and the work involved. However if the mil had requested it, or it was said at the beginning it would be adults only, then yes, it should be respected.


As as for the candelight being a big deal............pizza hut puts candles on a table, along w/ flowers.


We are sharing the cost and work, I already am taking a day off work to pick up centerpieces and spend time with DD since I don't want to be gone all day and evening from her. I love the pizza hut comment because that's how I feel (big deal) but that is what SIL put in bold with the no kids. She kept saying 15 adults, blah blah blah 15 adults and I asked are you saying no kids and she was like YES, how could I enjoy myself if DD is there? I wanted to say because it's not about you.

[gobucks1013]

I'd probably just get a sitter and enjoy a nice adults-only evening. After the party, I might politely let SIL know that you didn't appreciate footing half the cost AND having no input on planning the event (emphasize that you don't mind sharing half the cost). Maybe SIL just got carried away with her party planning responsibilties and didn't even stop to think you might have different ideas in mind for the event.

Perhaps the next day you and your kiddos could bring some cake and ice cream to MIL's and have a mini party so the kids can celebrate too. Feel free to invite SIL and her family also.

[xobehs]

More thinking here...
Knowing DH and I, we would bring DD- she is just THAT kid who can handle such things. DS on the other hand- heck no way- the boy is flippin nuts. He would wreck the place in no time flat. As far as us worried about "enjoying" ourselves or DD hampering that- she would be too busy enjoying the rest of our family to "bug" us.

You know your kid, think about it, honestly do you think SHE would enjoy it and can handle it? If yes, then bring her.

I have a cousin with a DD who can NOT handle any adult oriented party, especially a dinner party. She is 3 years older than DD. It pisses my cousin off over and over when we bring DD to fancy dinner outings with the family bc her kid can't handle it. I just shrug and carry on- we are lucky. But I swear, DS is a whole other story and I am not sure he will be up for any of these affairs as a kid ;)

[momoffaith]

I need to learn multiple quotes ... let's see if I can catch up. Give me a second to try ...

[MiMi_of_4]

Are you sure your MIL wants Faith there, or do YOU want her there?

[lasagna]

lasagna, I love your suggestion and have done that too. The only prob is knowing my MIL she will want my DD in there with everyone and that goes against SIL's rules.
Well, with a sitter there, that's an option. And then the sitter can deal with it if the babe gets too loud and is distracting everyone. It wouldn't have to be a big show of "I"m removing the baby now." It could be a discreet, "I think she needs a diaper change" and then taking her out for some fresh air or something. Or even that it might be close to bedtime or something.

If you think your MIL would honestly be bummed that she didn't get to see your baby at all on this special evening, then it sounds perfectly reasonable to me for the baby to make an appearance early on, and then quietly disappear later on, so that she's not a focus over MIL and her other guests.

And your SIL is not the boss. And besides, her 4 year old is not your toddler. When my dd1 was 4, I probably would have opted to have her stay home.

[momoffaith]

Did you and your SIL not discuss amount to be spent or the presence of children in advance?
No I was told the amount after she already started planning the party. I don't mind the money but the children thing came up later. We made the guest list and when we were doing the head count she kept saying 15 adults and when working on place cards and seating arrangments it dawned on me "adults" I emailed SIL and that was when she commented on her not being able to enjoy herself.

And does your MIL not get to see Faith often?
We go to church with MIL so she see's her for 15 minutes after each service. My MIL picks DD up from mother's morning out and watches her 2-3 times a month for 2 hours on those days. She's always complaining about wanting more time.

And what is your DH saying about all of this? 'Tis his momma, after all.
I married the most non-confrontational man. He thinks it's stupid but would never tell his SIL. He isn't happy that Faith is being excluded but that's his vent to me only.

I like lasagna's suggestion.

If you are paying for 1/2 the cost, I think you should have at least 1/2 the say so in the decision-making.
me too


Are you sure your MIL wants Faith there, or do YOU want her there?
I always want Faith around - no question about it. I will guarantee you MIL will ask about her grand daughters.

I know there are places that are not child friendly. I know there are restaurants where people are on dates and have sitters for their on children. This is at a home, a grandparents home which is child-proofed. It is family and to me Faith is part of the family.

[momoffaith]

I'm planning something special for MIL for mother's day. She will be in Florida on her birthday so DH and I have ordered her a gift card to her favorite restarant down there.

[RedheadbyChoice]

What about presenting the idea of having a sitter there for the girls to your SIL?

SIL, I know that you'd be more relaxed if your DD were not there. But, I really feel like MIL will want to see the girls and celebrate with them as well. What if we were to have a sitter there for the girls? The girls could give Grandma some snuggles and kisses and yet still be able to be with someone and do some fun activities?'

And gah on DHs who don't have the testicles or fortitude to speak up for themselves or their family.

[MiMi_of_4]

I didn't mean to imply you didn't always want Faith around ~ I worded that poorly. What I meant was this ~ is it that important to you for her to be there or important to your MIL that she be there?

Like I said, if it was a party for ME (and I only see my grandkids every couple of weeks or so), I'd like to be able to enjoy a fancy dinner and adult conversation without having to worry about whether the kids were having a good time.

Perhaps you should consider taking Faith for a little while, let your MIL see her and then take her home to a babysitter.

[RedheadbyChoice]

That's a good idea too, Mimi!

[PrincessEmilysMommy]

I think Red's right. It's worth a shot to mention the on site sitter.

[Sashahomeschoolmama]

I would bring her, but that's just me. As you said it's a family thing. It's not your problem SIL won't be able to enjoy herself if her DD is there. (sorry, but that's just sad). I know my mother would send us right home to get the kids if we left them home for an event like that.

This is my point of view and our family traditions. We are very family oriented.


I agree. My SIL's feelings about her children aren't my problem. Also, since it's not her house I think she's overstepping to even ask.

But, like Joyto5, our family dynamic is so that it would *not* be a celebration without the kids.

[Sashahomeschoolmama]

If thats what they've requested is no kids then I think it should be respected even if the reasoning behind it is stupid.

But the OP is paying 1/2. She's paid for the "right" to have a say. She's not just a guest, she helped fund the event.

[momoffaith]

And gah on DHs who don't have the testicles or fortitude to speak up for themselves or their family.

DH would fight for me or Faith. He just sees this as no big deal. For him there are somethings you let go and this is one of them. He totally supports whatever decision I make (DD going, staying, me staying home, sitter, etc) H

I appreciate everyone's suggestions. I will mention the sitter and offer to foot the bill. I was just curious if I was totally over-reacting or if this was normal. SIL is a selfish person and this is typical of her but so strange to my way of thinking.

[MiMi_of_4]

That's a good idea too, Mimi!

I love seeing my grandkids, but I know if they were at a party with me, I'd be spending all my time making sure they were having a good time (fetching drinks and food for them, getting them things to play with, letting them entertain me, etc.), so it would make it tough for me to visit with the adults there.

Bring 'em to me for an hour before dinner, let me smoochie all over them and spoil them for a while, let me show them off and have everybody ooh and aah over how totally adorable (and well-behaved) they are and then send them home with lots of goodies, toys and a babysitter :)

[Sashahomeschoolmama]

It is family and to me Faith is part of the family.
That's how I would feel about it as well.

[momoffaith]

I didn't mean to imply you didn't always want Faith around ~ I worded that poorly. What I meant was this ~ is it that important to you for her to be there or important to your MIL that she be there?

Perhaps you should consider taking Faith for a little while, let your MIL see her and then take her home to a babysitter.

I posted this to get other's thoughts ... I hope my reply wasn't defensive because I didn't take it as you were implying anything. I don't think the wording is poor at all.

It's 35-40 minutes away so the only way I will take Faith is if SIL and I are in agreement about a sitter.

[HammBugga]

I think you should suck it up and hire a sitter. I would not bring my children to an intimate, adult, candlelit dinner. It's one thing if you have a small baby whom you have never left with a sitter but you mentioned taking off work so I imagine she won't be too traumatized by being without you for a couple of hours. Hire a sitter, have a few drinks and enjoy yourself.

[Sashahomeschoolmama]

Since it's catered and there are 15 table placements perhaps a sitter could order pizza for the kids and eat it in another room? That way they're present at the party but not messing up careful placement and an elegantly set table.

[momoffaith]

I love seeing my grandkids, but I know if they were at a party with me, I'd be spending all my time making sure they were having a good time (fetching drinks and food for them, getting them things to play with, letting them entertain me, etc.), so it would make it tough for me to visit with the adults there.


For what we are paying the caters they had better be fetching drinks. Of course, my boobs will be with me. I want it to be an enjoyable evening for everyone and can honestly see where MIL would get involved with her grandchildren.

[RedheadbyChoice]

DH would fight for me or Faith. He just sees this as no big deal. For him there are somethings you let go and this is one of them. He totally supports whatever decision I make (DD going, staying, me staying home, sitter, etc)


Then your statements don't mesh. Either he'll speak up to SIL or not, which is it? If he'll support you one way or the other, why not have him speak to his sister? If you feel that you really want her there (and you do), then DH should speak to his sister about it.

I think the best bet (with the least amount of stress) would be to pose the idea of the sitter and if that's not accepted, either have DD home with a sitter, or a sitter who can bring here there for a moment to give Grandma kisses and then take her home.

I do agree with the SIL though, that it's not fair (for lack of a better word) to have one GD there and not the other.

Gahhhhhh! My ILs 50 anniversary is coming up, carp, I'll be dealing with SIL shit for that soiree as well! This just reminded me of that. *sigh*

I may have missed this, how soon is the event?

[momoffaith]

I think you should suck it up and hire a sitter. I would not bring my children to an intimate, adult, candlelit dinner. It's one thing if you have a small baby whom you have never left with a sitter but you mentioned taking off work so I imagine she won't be too traumatized by being without you for a couple of hours. Hire a sitter, have a few drinks and enjoy yourself.

DD isn't going that decision was made for me by SIL. If ONLY they would have a few drinks ... maybe DH will take me out for a happy hour before going and I can tolerate SIL a little better.

[Ilovemonkeys]

These threads are so foreign to me, in my family all the events are catered to the children, or accomodations are made for them.
All sides of my family are like that too, no one would dream of having a family party and excluding the kids.
At the least a playroom with movies and toys and food is set up for the kids.

And if I was paying $300 for a party I would take who ever I damn well please, of course $300 is a LOT of money to me these days.

[Sashahomeschoolmama]

I do agree with the SIL though, that it's not fair (for lack of a better word) to have one GD there and not the other.

I actually completely disagree. If there were some reason that the other GD couldn't come I might agree. But just because SIL doesn't want her there? Nah. Heck, the OP could counter that it's not fair that the two little girls are being left out of Granny's birthday bash.

But, Momoffaith, it should be noted that I'm rebellious and don't like being told what to do. It sounds as if, from some of your comments, you don't care for SIL telling you what to do. While having a huge confrontation is not appropriate, a simple, "Faith is coming because I'm paying half and I want her to come. I'm hiring an on-site babysitter who is willing to watch your dd as well if you'd like," sounds like a nice-but-firm way of putting your foot down to someone who is used to getting her way.

[RedheadbyChoice]

DD isn't going that decision was made for me by SIL. If ONLY they would have a few drinks ... maybe DH will take me out for a happy hour before going and I can tolerate SIL a little better.

You can always get a bottle of wine, crack it open, and hang with us here for an hour before you go. :) I'd have a drink, too, so you weren't drinking alone.

LOL

[gobucks1013]

You can always get a bottle of wine, crack it open, and hang with us here for an hour before you go. :) I'd have a drink, too, so you weren't drinking alone.

LOL

Count me in too! :p

[Sashahomeschoolmama]

Heh. I have some wonderful Russian wine in my fridge. I haven't drank in months and months (since, say, I got pregnant) but I wouldn't say no to half a glass.

[momoffaith]

Then your statements don't mesh. Either he'll speak up to SIL or not, which is it? If he'll support you one way or the other, why not have him speak to his sister? If you feel that you really want her there (and you do), then DH should speak to his sister about it.

I think the best bet (with the least amount of stress) would be to pose the idea of the sitter and if that's not accepted, either have DD home with a sitter, or a sitter who can bring here there for a moment to give Grandma kisses and then take her home.

I do agree with the SIL though, that it's not fair (for lack of a better word) to have one GD there and not the other.

Gahhhhhh! My ILs 50 anniversary is coming up, carp, I'll be dealing with SIL shit for that soiree as well! This just reminded me of that. *sigh*

I may have missed this, how soon is the event?


He supports us he just doesn't think this is a big deal. He goes with the pick your battles carefully so he doesn't spoil the mood of SIL and then everyone is uncomfortable. This is also his SIL and he did mention it to his brother but his comment was the same as DH, that's stupid. If I chose to take Faith as a guest (which I'm not) he would say, "she's family too".

Very seldom do I disagree with you Red but it's not my problem she's not taking her DD. Why should Faith be excluded because DN is? Life isn't fair.

The event is this weekend. I have a sitter lined up and if SIL agrees I can have my sitter go to uncles house. If not Faith will be at the house when I get home.

I'm loving the idea of a few drinks so DH and I might hit a chilis for a presidente margarita. DD isn't going as a guest so maybe I am overreacting to SIL.

[HammBugga]

DD isn't going that decision was made for me by SIL. If ONLY they would have a few drinks ... maybe DH will take me out for a happy hour before going and I can tolerate SIL a little better.


I feel your pain, my sil is in-fucking-sane. Too bad I don't drink.

[momoffaith]

I actually completely disagree. If there were some reason that the other GD couldn't come I might agree. But just because SIL doesn't want her there? Nah. Heck, the OP could counter that it's not fair that the two little girls are being left out of Granny's birthday bash.

But, Momoffaith, it should be noted that I'm rebellious and don't like being told what to do. It sounds as if, from some of your comments, you don't care for SIL telling you what to do. While having a huge confrontation is not appropriate, a simple, "Faith is coming because I'm paying half and I want her to come. I'm hiring an on-site babysitter who is willing to watch your dd as well if you'd like," sounds like a nice-but-firm way of putting your foot down to someone who is used to getting her way.


I wish I knew you IRL you rock! Normally I'm more of a rebellious type but with SIL and all the family issues on that side I keep peace. You never know how selfish people will react and this could come back to bite me. Totally her problem, but she would definitely be trying to get some revenge out of spite.

[MiMi_of_4]

I posted this to get other's thoughts ... I hope my reply wasn't defensive because I didn't take it as you were implying anything. I don't think the wording is poor at all.

It's 35-40 minutes away so the only way I will take Faith is if SIL and I are in agreement about a sitter.

Whew! I was hoping I hadn't offended you. The idea of having her there for a little while won't be an option, then, so perhaps the idea of hiring a babysitter to eat in another room with the kids would be the best choice, if you decide not to hire one to come to your home.

We went to a wedding reception a couple of years ago that was VERY high-end, but the bride wanted all her nieces and nephews there, so the caterer provided pizza, chicken nuggets, ice cream sundaes, etc. for the kids. They ate first, and then the meal was served to the adults while the kids were entertained by a clown and a magician. It worked out beautifully for everyone!!

[momoffaith]

I feel your pain, my sil is in-fucking-sane. Too bad I don't drink.

LMAO and thankful my coke a cola was sitting on my desk other wise it would be spewing out of my nose.

[momoffaith]

So it looks like Friday night several of us will be drinking. DD will have a sitter whom she adores and I will have a great time honoring my MIL.

Ladies you have been great but I've got a hair appointment and my roots are showing. Heading out to spoil myself. :hugegrin:

[MiMi_of_4]

Oh, and count me in on the pre-bash drinking!!

[momoffaith]

We went to a wedding reception a couple of years ago that was VERY high-end, but the bride wanted all her nieces and nephews there, so the caterer provided pizza, chicken nuggets, ice cream sundaes, etc. for the kids. They ate first, and then the meal was served to the adults while the kids were entertained by a clown and a magician. It worked out beautifully for everyone!!

My wasn't high end but we hired a sitter for our wedding. It was more convenient for out of town guest and kept our guest from having to hire and pay for a sitter. We did not exclude children from any part of our wedding or reception it was an option for those who felt like they needed a break. Some children stayed and some children used the sitter. It was a great time for everyone!

[MiMi_of_4]

I like you, momoffaith!!

[MomX3]

sounds like an adult party and I would want a sitter.

[RedheadbyChoice]

I've been thinking about this and feel like I need to explain the 'fair' comment I made. And you'll think I'm nuts, because I'm thinking it's not fair to your SIL.

Here's why.

SIL has said that she wouldn't be able to relax with her DD there. I understand that, apparently she knows her own DD well and for whatever reason (SIL isn't as patient as others, her DD is a bit boisterous, whatever) wouldn't be as relaxed. And there's you, who would feel very fine having DD there.

And we're at a celebration for your MIL, wanting it to be a happy occasion, as little strife as possible. You just want to have a nice dinner for your MIL.

So you bring DD and MIL wonders why her other GD isn't there. Wouldn't that then make SIL look like the asshole or the impatient person or whatever, because her DD isn't there?
Wouldn't that really put SIL in an uncomfortable spot? I could imagine MIL or others saying 'oh she'd have been fine, I wish you'd have brought her, there's more than enough help here' etc., again, making SIL feel badly or defensive about her decision.

I guess I'm saying that not having your DD there, makes you the bigger person, making the event as least uncomfortable as possible for everyone.

I'm not a fan of my SILs at all either, but I'd not have my kiddo there, if it would simply make it easier on everyone. Not to say the SIL is right, making the kid decision for everyone, but just that this would be a small thing that you could do, to just keep the peace. I guess it goes with picking your battles.

[RaisingThemLeft]

If I was ponying up half the money I wouldn't be letting SIL call all the shots. Just because she doesn't want her dd there doesn't mean yours can't go. I have left my kids with my parents to attend a wedding to which I could have brought them, while my SIL brought her kids. I didn't expect her not to take them just because I chose not to.

My MIL or mother would not be happy if a birthday party for them excluded their grandchildren. They'd be very dissappointed that it was set up that way. In our family it's completed expected that the kids will be running around. We usually rent out a hall for large family parties.

[MomX3]

I cannot fathom why you will enjoy having your DD there more than an adult dinner-is it that you will WORRY about your DD too much?

[TuetonicWillow]

I've had too many kids for too long to be upset about not bringing them to a catered candlelight dinner. I look forward to those occasions. It's usually the only adult-only time I get with DH.

[chickabiddy]

If she is hosting the event, she can choose to make it child-free and you can choose to attend or not based on that.

Since you are paying half, you are a co-host and should have equal say in whether children are invited or not.

[Sashahomeschoolmama]

I cannot fathom why you will enjoy having your DD there more than an adult dinner-is it that you will WORRY about your DD too much?

I prefer to have my children with me.

[PrincessEmilysMommy]

I cannot fathom why you will enjoy having your DD there more than an adult dinner-is it that you will WORRY about your DD too much?

I'll let momoffaith answer for herself, but as for me, I'd be the same way. Everyone prefers different things. Perhaps one would have a hard time fathoming why you would enjoy yourself w/o your child. To each their own.

[MomX3]

I think my child would rather be at their home with a trusted family friend as a sitter on their same routine rather than be at some candlelight supper.

[Ilovemonkeys]

I prefer to have my children with me.


Me too, I really enjoy my kids company, most of the time. I would say all of the time, but my older 2 are tweens.

[TuetonicWillow]

lol...some people make it seem like you can't enjoy the company of your children AND enjoy some adult time. Like it's an either/or. Either you enjoy your children and take them everywhere or you just don't enjoy them.

[PrincessEmilysMommy]

I think my child would rather be at their home with a trusted family friend as a sitter on their same routine rather than be at some candlelight supper.

I think it depends on your child. Mine is 4 who loves to dress up in fancy dresses and go to tea. So I think she would enjoy it.

[Sashahomeschoolmama]

I don't think that, TW. I did think the way momx3 worded her question sparked some defensiveness, though. After all, someone who wouldn't want to hire a sitter must be such a worrier.

[PrincessEmilysMommy]

I don't think that, TW. I did think the way momx3 worded her question sparked some defensiveness, though.

Exactly!

[Justicedog]

My mom loves a nice dinner but not at the expense of her grandkids staying with others. My MIL will ask where Faith is and my gut will want to say "SIL told me to hire a sitter, no kids" of course then their would be this cold shoulder from my SIL and I would feel bad if the tone got spoiled. Against my will I will reply "staying with Carlene" with a smile.

My SIL is very selfish and really wants this to be about her more than my MIL. She will say look what I did because I love you never mind she will have my check in her bank account. It's never a we thing it's always ME. That is a whole entire vent so I won't go there.


You can tell her SIL planned it to be an adult only event. (Say it like it's a good thing.)

[lasagna]

I cannot fathom why you will enjoy having your DD there more than an adult dinner-is it that you will WORRY about your DD too much?

Yup, she simply can't fathom how having the kid there wouldn't ruin the enjoyment of the dinner with other adults. That's kind of weird too. I mean, as an across the board statement. I don't live a double life.

I said before that I've had a lot of fun evenings with friends, with my kids still around, but someone else tending to their needs. With my older child, it would have been just as well to be in separate locations, but not for the toddler.

[RedheadbyChoice]

I think my child would rather be at their home with a trusted family friend as a sitter on their same routine rather than be at some candlelight supper.


That's because you know YOUR child. Not everyone's child or everyone feels that way.

To each their own.

[lasagna]

You can tell her SIL planned it to be an adult only event. (Say it like it's a good thing.)

Is that her place to do that though? If she wants to be the sole host, making all decisions, then she can BE the sole host--that means you don't get 1/2 the cost paid for by someone else.

For one, I don't understand how things have to be So polarized. It's like you have to either have plastic plates and cup and kids around and it's something parents suffer through because it's "for the kids" or that you have things completely "adult" and the time is ruined if kids are even in the same building.

And what's with candles being this signal of "kids not welcome."

I use my crystal at dinner with my kids. We have have candles at dinner sometimes. We use our nicer dishes, cloth napkins. I don't do kid world and a totally separate adult world.

[MomX3]

I think if the thought of one evening without your kid causes you to go in a panic-some separation is in order.

[Sashahomeschoolmama]

I think that's none of your damn business, Momx3. :shrug:

[RedheadbyChoice]

I think if the thought of one evening without your kid causes you to go in a panic-some separation is in order.

Oh for fuck's sake, where you do see panic? And reading comprehension is good; the OP works outside the home, so there's already separation.

But thanks for looking out for the mental well-being of the OP. I'm sure she appreciates that, being told she's too attached to her child.

[PrincessEmilysMommy]

I think if the thought of one evening without your kid causes you to go in a panic-some separation is in order.

Well now I think you're just being a bitch!

[lasagna]

I think if the thought of one evening without your kid causes you to go in a panic-some separation is in order.

Is this a troll?

[PrincessEmilysMommy]

I'm beginning to wonder the same!

[vulturemom]

I think if the thought of one evening without your kid causes you to go in a panic-some separation is in order.

Wow, I didn't see any panic. And separation from what? I certainly hope you didn't mean her DD.


Now as a response to the OP I think Talking to your SIL about having the kids there for the first part of the evening so grandma can give hugs and kisses and show off her grandkids (most grandmas really like to do that) Then having the kids go in a different room for a special kids dinner and to make a craft to give grandma with a sitter, maybe even a teen cousin would be a nice compromise.

[TuetonicWillow]

I never got the sense that anyone was full of panic.

I guess I see Sasha's point now.

[CanadianMom23]

It is an adult celebration. I would find a sitter and enjoy myself.

[steelady]

He supports us he just doesn't think this is a big deal. He goes with the pick your battles carefully so he doesn't spoil the mood of SIL and then everyone is uncomfortable. This is also his SIL and he did mention it to his brother but his comment was the same as DH, that's stupid. If I chose to take Faith as a guest (which I'm not) he would say, "she's family too".

Very seldom do I disagree with you Red but it's not my problem she's not taking her DD. Why should Faith be excluded because DN is? Life isn't fair.

The event is this weekend. I have a sitter lined up and if SIL agrees I can have my sitter go to uncles house. If not Faith will be at the house when I get home.

I'm loving the idea of a few drinks so DH and I might hit a chilis for a presidente margarita. DD isn't going as a guest so maybe I am overreacting to SIL.

I'm only to here, but it really sounds to me as if SIL deliberately wanted an adult only event. I can completely understand that. Is it possible that MIL may have mentioned something like that to her, that MIL secretly wished for an adult evening away from kids.

I'll be honest, I don't think it is stupid for SIL to want a nice night to enjoy with the family, minus the kids. I know that DH and I NEVER get to relax completely if ds is with us. I signed on for that, so it is what it is,that doesn't mean I don't wish for adult-only events with people to whom I am close.

[steelady]

I cannot fathom why you will enjoy having your DD there more than an adult dinner-is it that you will WORRY about your DD too much?


You really cannot fathom this?

You must be imagination challenged. I can imagine enjoying my son more than hanging out with adults. And sometimes I can imagine enjoying adults more than hanging with the kid.

[steelady]

I think my child would rather be at their home with a trusted family friend as a sitter on their same routine rather than be at some candlelight supper.


Then don't take your kid to one.

[nikkifaith]

Steel, I'm so glad you are back.

[RedheadbyChoice]

Steel, I'm so glad you are back.


As am I. :) Your recap of a thread is right up there with Hugs. :D

[camille97]

I prefer to have my children with me.

Me, too. It's it interesting how people differ in that respect?

[camille97]

I think if the thought of one evening without your kid causes you to go in a panic-some separation is in order.


Shutup Mogey.

[momoffaith]

OK I'm back Mimi_4 I like you too.

I can honestly say I do not have separation anxiety as unfortunately I do WOH and can't always take DD with me. I do, however, when I'm off work PREFER to have DD with me. With that said, I realize not all places are kid friendly and I choose NOT to go to those places often. DD will grow up quickly and there is plenty of time for adult dinners. If this party had been planned at a restaurant that wasn't kid friendly I wouldn't have thought twice about it being adult only BUT it's a an uncles house who has grandchildren and the home is baby proof. Regardless of the cuisine, the candles, dishes, etc it is a family dinner and Faith is part of our family.

DH and I do have a sitter and will respect SIL wishes without making her out to be the bad guy to MIL. When asked where Faith is and there is a 99% chance I will get asked more than once (the invite did not say adult only) I will simply say with her sitter NOT SIL didn't want to bring her DD so I had to leave mine.

My gut reaction was to stay home and enjoy my DD. Honestly, I do prefer to be with her. I posted here to get others opinions and suggestions. I knew I would get honesty and that some would agree and others would disagree. I wanted other's perspective hoping I could see things in a different light NOT because I'm in a panic mode (I can honestly say that made me laugh).

My family is so laid back and we would never have a dinner with no kids allowed. My sis might host a sex toy party and yes I would leave Faith home but not a birthday dinner for our mom. We have a close family and enjoy our time kiddos and all. DH's family is different and I have to realize everyone has a different idea of a good time.

[RedheadbyChoice]

I hope MIL appreciates you, MOF. You're good people. :)

[momoffaith]

Thanks Red, I learn alot every day that's why I frequent bf.com. Faith is waking from her nap so I'm off of here until bedtime.

[MomX3]

okay-FTR -I think it would reflect poorly on you to say "SIL wanted me to get a sitter"- you could take the high road.

[Tweet]

I love it when Steel Hugses the threads..and I am thrilled you are back, Steel!

[steelady]

As am I. :) Your recap of a thread is right up there with Hugs. :D


Sigh.

She has been slacking, hasn't she?

I was thinking of changing my name, though, to Rosie (as in the riveter), thoughts?

[RedheadbyChoice]

Well, natch, you can do what you want. You'll always be Steel to me, though, and I will tell you right now that's all that I'll call you. :D

[ashtonsmom]

I haven't read all the replies but I think you are pissed that SIL told you to get a sitter. I think most of us would "know" that an intimate candlelit dinner is not an appropriate place for a wonderful, precious little one year old so it was shitty of SIL to tell you that you could not bring your daughter to a family event that you are paying 1/2 of.

[catkrazy99]

I'd be mad. I don't do sitters, never have and probably never will but that is my choice to make. So, someone asking or telling ME to get a sitter is ludicrous.

[momoffaith]

okay-FTR -I think it would reflect poorly on you to say "SIL wanted me to get a sitter"- you could take the high road.

You totally confuse me, I don't know if you can't read or just throw in your 2 cents without reading. FTR a previous post written by me said I WOULDN'T say SIL wanted me to get a sitter. IF you CAN or CHOOSE to read what I type it flat out explains me taking the high road.

[momoffaith]

I haven't read all the replies but I think you are pissed that SIL told you to get a sitter. I think most of us would "know" that an intimate candlelit dinner is not an appropriate place for a wonderful, precious little one year old so it was shitty of SIL to tell you that you could not bring your daughter to a family event that you are paying 1/2 of.


I know I used the word intimate (maybe a poor choice) but it's because it's a small gathering. If it were a romantic "intimate" candlelite dinner for my MIL and FIL there is no way I would drop off a 1 year old.

[catkrazy99]

I also think it is ludicrous that you do not get a say in whether kids could be there or not being that you are paying half.

[momoffaith]

UPDATE ...
I talked to DH, BIL and SIL about my sitter watching the kiddos at the uncles house. (It's 4-5000 sq foot so they could be as good as gone as far as the adults would know) SIL stated her daughter would want to be with her not a sitter if at the same house.

Oh well, I did my best to get along. As I've stated more than once I have a sitter even if I don't like the idea. Ladies, I'm still on for the drink beforehand and will probably need one to tolerate SIL with a smile.

Funny thing ... DH and BIL (honoree's children) thought this was ridiculous. BIL says his wife always goes over the top in her plans. DH said he felt sorry for MIL because she is probably going to wander why her grandchildren weren't included. BIL said she would rather have a cook out than a formal sit down meal. BIL even stated it sounds like SIL planned what she would like to have not MIL. Oh well, I will "try" and remember this when SIL has a milestone birthday (TIC excluding her loveones). READ TIC before you flame me, I have a good memory but I work real hard at not doing things out of spite. I'm a living example for my daughter and know she's watching my every move.

[momoffaith]

I also think it is ludicrous that you do not get a say in whether kids could be there or not being that you are paying half.

I think you are very lucky not to do sitters. I do when necessary but honestly DD has only stayed with my parents 2 times when I wasn't at work. One for me to go to a work related ball game and another was for a gala. Both were not kid friendly and I knew it.

The whole thing was planned before she called me (in her mind). She called and said I want to throw MIL a surprise party can you be available this day? I said yes. She said I want to have it at uncle X house but thought we could split it for the boys (our DH). I said OK what are you thinking and what can I do? She said I think it should be intimate (that's where I got the word) and invite her family and 2 best friends. She said it would be cheap (LOL).

[steelady]

Glad things are sort of settled.

I don't think your SIL did anything wrong, it just seems different to you.

however, why is BIL and DH letting her do something that MIL won't like? That's a shitty thing to do to SIL, IMO.

[momoffaith]

Glad things are sort of settled.

I don't think your SIL did anything wrong, it just seems different to you.

however, why is BIL and DH letting her do something that MIL won't like? That's a shitty thing to do to SIL, IMO.

Well she's crazy and that is why everyone is keeping peace. You never know what kind of "revenge" she will plan if things don't go her way. I'm sure BIL ( her DH) told her his thoughts but in her mind it's her way or no way. She thinks "in her own world" everyone likes/thinks her way.

And you are right it's totally different than what I would do and that does NOT make it wrong. The biggest thing I've learned from bf.com and why I keep coming back is Many times there are no rights and wrongs just different opinions. I can live with that. I'm no longer bothered about the party, I got my feelings off my chest, got suggestions and perspectives and look forward to a sit down meal where I'm waited on. I just hope she likes her present.

[MomX3]

okay-after READING everything I am wondering if you sil is planning what MIL would like or what SIL would like?

I cannot believe she rejected an on site babysitter , now she is just being ridiculous.

[RedheadbyChoice]

What's ridiculous is that after rereading it all, you're not apologizing for ASSuming that MOF couldn't BEAR to spend an evening without her child.

As for rejecting an on site sitter, meh, I don't call it ridiculous, just different. She obviously doesn't want her DD there at all, for whatever reasons. That doesn't make her ridiculous, just different.