WWYD-teenage blunder?

[maksmom]

I'm looking for some feed back. My oldest dd is 17. She is a good kid in the sense that I don't have to worry about where she is at night, she makes great grades, and is usually compliant with my requests, but usually with an attitude. (very normal I know)

Well she is generally responsible for cleaning up the kitchen after dinner in the evening, which she did do last night. So I decide to empty the dishwasher this afternoon, so I can reload it and clean out the sink before I start dinner. And what do I find in the top rack of the dishwasher, but my One Touch battery operated can opener. It was an awesome can opener and now it is $20 down the drain, so to speak.

Now I know she didn't do this on purpose, but this is really just another example of her "carelessness" when it comes to doing something she does not want to do, especially if it involves someone elses stuff.

So the question is do I make her buy another one, or do I let it slide? My first instinct is to make her pay for what she broke, but am I being to harsh?

[Ilovemonkeys]

Do you know for sure that she knew putting it in the dishwasher would break it?
Also if you give it a few days to dry out it might still work.

[MrsKitty]

Have you talked to her about it yet?

[nikkifaith]

Does she even have any income? Maybe ask her to go half with you? I'll have to sit back and agree with someone later. :D

[Funmommy]

NOPE not too harsh
sounds like she needs to learn a little respect for other people's property
.... like most teens .... :rolleyes:
just don't expect her to FULLY get the experience....
although .... she might .... she IS a girl :D

Funmommy/Nadine

[lasagna]

Maybe you could explain that that when you break something of someone else's, you are expected to replace it. But I'd consider going 1/2 and 1/2, especially if this was the first time in a long time.

[maksmom]

ILM-she is 17, I'm sure that if she had put any thought into it she would have known not to put it in the dishwasher. I have taken it apart to dry out, and I hope it may work.

MrsK- no she is at work right now.

nikki-she has a job, 2 in fact. She works at a aftercare program at preschool, and keeps a little girl 3 days a week, here at the house, whose mom works 12 hour shift. I do end up caring for the girl more that dd1 does, which I don't mind, preparing her food, and keeping the peace between the little girl and my other 2 dd's.(she is the same age as dd2)

[TayNRobbiesMom]

im thinking 50/50 IF you know for sure that she was aware it was NOT to go in the dishwasher...

[samiam]

I don't think it is too much to have her pay for it.

[whitnessforhim]

Maybe you could explain that that when you break something of someone else's, you are expected to replace it. But I'd consider going 1/2 and 1/2, especially if this was the first time in a long time.


This. Regardless of whether she meant to or not...in a real life situation she'd have to pay for it (full price) anyways.

[RedheadbyChoice]

I'd ask her about it first. If she knew though, and was just careless and forgot, I'd want her to pay for it. Going halves though, would also be acceptable.

[nikkifaith]

What real life situation? I have never been asked to pay for anything I broke while at work or even shopping. In fact, I have on numerous occassions been told no way when I tried to pay for something I broke.

[vulturemom]

I would just talk to her about how you care for the can opener and then let it go. Accidents happen.

[lasagna]

What real life situation? I have never been asked to pay for anything I broke while at work or even shopping. In fact, I have on numerous occassions been told no way when I tried to pay for something I broke.
In real life, you are supposed to offer to replace something you have broken. And yes, there are times when people take you up on that offer.

[whitnessforhim]

What real life situation? I have never been asked to pay for anything I broke while at work or even shopping. In fact, I have on numerous occassions been told no way when I tried to pay for something I broke.


I've known people who have had to pay...besides maybe it will give her that convicted feeling like your talking about when you offered to pay, a sense of responsibility.

[KerryS]

I would just talk to her about how you care for the can opener and then let it go. Accidents happen.

This.

TBH, I'm 34 and I didn't know that putting a can opener in the dishwasher would ruin it.

[hotlama]

If she was 10, I would say that it was a simple mistake. She's 17! I would make her buy you a new one.

[maksmom]

I am waiting to see her reaction when I tell her. I'm glad she was not here when I found it, because my first reaction, was "AAARRGG! Just one more thing to replace, and no money to do it!" We really are on a tight budget right now, so my first reaction would have been to send her down to Wally World ASAP to replace my beloved can opener. (rolling eyes).
If she gets all huffy and defensive, she is paying for all of it. If she truly is sorry, I may go half with her, either way we could count it as a Mother's Day present if she wants. LOL.
I do know that I told her not to put it in the dishwasher when I first got it, and she knows better than to put her iPod in the dishwasher, so I'm sure this is a case of rushing through a chore to go watch a TV show or chat on line, or both!

[3girls2luv]

I know when my dd 14y/o does things like that she does so I will never ask her to that chore again. She thinks that I will think that she is incapable of doing such chore but mommy knows best and I just make her do it more so she can learn.

OP your dd is old enough to know better but it may have been an oversight since she was rushing and I agree you should listen to what she has to say and then decide how it will be replaced. The Mother's day gift is a good idea too...lol

[still_me]

This

TBH, I'm 34 and I didn't know that putting a can opener in the dishwasher would ruin it.


It was battery operated. :)


I would have a talk with her about paying more attention to what she is doing and then ask her what she thinks you should do about it. Go from there.

[OrangeSunflower]

I am waiting to see her reaction when I tell her. I'm glad she was not here when I found it, because my first reaction, was "AAARRGG! Just one more thing to replace, and no money to do it!" We really are on a tight budget right now, so my first reaction would have been to send her down to Wally World ASAP to replace my beloved can opener. (rolling eyes).
If she gets all huffy and defensive, she is paying for all of it. If she truly is sorry, I may go half with her, either way we could count it as a Mother's Day present if she wants. LOL.
I do know that I told her not to put it in the dishwasher when I first got it, and she knows better than to put her iPod in the dishwasher, so I'm sure this is a case of rushing through a chore to go watch a TV show or chat on line, or both!


If you told her not to put in the dishwasher then she should replace it.

[StElmosFire]

If she knew that it wasn't supposed to go in the dishwasher but was lazy about it and did it anyway, she should pay full price.
If she didn't know but didn't bother checking either 1/2 price.
If she just plain didn't know, maybe the explaination of how to you can tell with kitchen tools would be appropriate.

ETA: I see post above. She should pay for the entire thing.

[TuetonicWillow]

A good kid who doesn't argue much really should be allowed a simple error like accidentally washing a can opener. This wouldn't be more than a "Hey *kid*, don't put battery operated things in the dishwasher. They break." in my house. If it happened over and over again, we may have a probelm.

But making a teenage girl pay you back for accidentally washing something while she was doing her chores? Not for me. This isn't a battle I'd pick.

[TuetonicWillow]

I think replies about her not respecting other people's property and all are so over the top.

[TuetonicWillow]

Wait, this girl gets good grades AND works two jobs to earn her own money? And you're bent of of shape over a can opener she broke without meaning to?

I'm cut from a different cloth than most of you, I guess.

[nikkifaith]

I have a few battery operated things that are submergible. It isn't a given.

[maksmom]

Wait, this girl gets good grades AND works two jobs to earn her own money? And you're bent of of shape over a can opener she broke without meaning to?

I'm cut from a different cloth than most of you, I guess.


Perhaps you didn't see that her 2nd job is ME watching a 5 year old while the girl's mom pays dd $300/month.

[MomX3]

I am sure most mothers would be shocked that a teen did the dishes! Count your blessings and chalk it up to human error-everyone makes mistakes.

the kid has 2 jobs and goes to school-give her a break!

My mom would never let me pay for anything I broke accidentally in her house an dI do not even live with her!

[SueDid]

Perhaps you didn't see that her 2nd job is ME watching a 5 year old while the girl's mom pays dd $300/month.

I'm with TW on this one...and if you're the one doing most of the work with the babysitting job, that is your fault really. My kids know if they are watching other kids at our house that I will not be the one watching them and for the convenience of being home that may mean dealing with the interaction between the child in their care and their siblings.

[KerryS]

I have a few battery operated things that are submergible.

Heh.

And I agree with TW. IMO it's a "count your blessings and choose your battles" kind of thing. Especially if this isn't an ongoing issue (not respecting other people's things).

[MomX3]

I have an electric kettle which you PLUG IN and is submersible.

[RedheadbyChoice]

Perhaps you didn't see that her 2nd job is ME watching a 5 year old while the girl's mom pays dd $300/month.

So why do you let that continue? You do the work but DD gets paid for it?

[lasagna]

I'm with TW on this one...and if you're the one doing most of the work with the babysitting job, that is your fault really.


And if that's the case, then this job can't really be used as justification that the girl is so overwhelmingly responsible. It can't be both ways, that since seh's so responsible, cut her some slack AND that since she's irresponsible, it's obviously all the mom's fault.

[maksmom]

I help her with the sitting job, mostly because she is using/saving the money for school. Her first job is for 3 hours a day, Monday thru Friday, she is not worked to death. She has no respect for money, so therefore little respect for property. Just go out and get another one.

She is a good kid, but do I let her get away with disrespect and repeated carelessness, just because she gets good grades?

[MomX3]

it seems you are dead set on having her replace it. You are the mom, it is your call-but you did ask for opinions.

[maksmom]

it seems you are dead set on having her replace it. You are the mom, it is your call-but you did ask for opinions.


Yes it is my call, and I don't seem alone in my thinking, thanks for your input.

[vulturemom]

This.

TBH, I'm 34 and I didn't know that putting a can opener in the dishwasher would ruin it.
What is TBH?

[vulturemom]

I think replies about her not respecting other people's property and all are so over the top.

I think so too. I think if we treat our kids like they are screw-ups and every mistake like it is a criminal act then we won't like what our kids give us back in return.

[nikkifaith]

To Be Honest.

[nikkifaith]

SMH.

kidding

[vulturemom]

She is a good kid, but do I let her get away with disrespect and repeated carelessness, just because she gets good grades?

Wait you said it is this one time. Has she done this before?

[MiMi_of_4]

I'd cut her some slack ~ after all she IS getting good grades, cleaning up your kitchen, working one job on her own and one *with lots of help,* and letting you know where she is spending her "free" time. Sounds like she could use a hug, not a request for payment for probably an innocent mistake. Hey, we all make them, so...

IMHO, I'd say, "Hey, remember my battery powered can opener? Yeah, the one that can't be put in the dishwasher? What do you say I forgive you this time, buuuuuuuuuuuut, the next time, it's on you, child?"

[RedheadbyChoice]

Wait you said it is this one time. Has she done this before?


Indeed, you said repeated carelessness; is that actually the case? That she's repeatedly careless?

And that 2nd job really isn't all hers, is it? I understand that she's saving the money, but in essence YOU'RE helping her save the $, since you're doing much of the job. I may just be a hard ass here, but how is that teaching her lots of responsibility, by her getting all the money when she's not doing all the work? Natch, you're obviously comfortable with it, I simply would not be, in that situation.

With that, though, I'd definitely take the money for the can opener out of her paycheck that she gets for babysitting.

[Tweet]

Hmm. I don't know that I'd make her pay anything if it was an accident . Maybe 1/2, if anything

[Tweet]

I'd cut her some slack ~ after all she IS getting good grades, cleaning up your kitchen, working one job on her own and one *with lots of help,* and letting you know where she is spending her "free" time. Sounds like she could use a hug, not a request for payment for probably an innocent mistake. Hey, we all make them, so...

IMHO, I'd say, "Hey, remember my battery powered can opener? Yeah, the one that can't be put in the dishwasher? What do you say I forgive you this time, buuuuuuuuuuuut, the next time, it's on you, child?"

All of this. I am in complete agreement. Sometimes kids don't always need a lesson, imo. She sounds like she has a lot on her plate and sounds like a good kid. If it were me, I'd cut some slack.

[Macabe]

I help her with the sitting job, mostly because she is using/saving the money for school. Her first job is for 3 hours a day, Monday thru Friday, she is not worked to death. She has no respect for money, so therefore little respect for property. Just go out and get another one.

She is a good kid, but do I let her get away with disrespect and repeated carelessness, just because she gets good grades?


3 hours a day, after school? Holy cow, that's a lot! She has school, homework, and 3 hours of work a day on top of that?

In my house, this would not be something I'd ask DD to replace. I might have DH "suggest" to her that she buy one for me for Mother's Day or something.

[maksmom]

Now I know she didn't do this on purpose, but this is really just another example of her "carelessness" when it comes to doing something she does not want to do, especially if it involves someone elses stuff.



This is quoted from my op. She has a history of being careless with her own things as well as others.
We are striving to teach her responsibility as well as common sense, I'm sure not everyone agrees in how we do that or that we should do it at all. She is less than 6 months shy of 18. She home schools right now, so she has no homework, and is home by 6pm everynight from work. When I was that age I worked 6-7 hours after school.

I am curious, a few of you suggested that because she isn't running around and getting high, that I should "cut her some slack." How is that teaching her responsibility?

Now don't get me wrong, we are very proud of her, I am positive that she will turn in to a stellar, productive adult. But I see lots of 18 and 19 year olds at my office(hired in as assistants or phone help) and out and about, with no sense of work ethic and a huge sense of entitlement. It is just not how I want my kids to turn out,.

[Amberry]

I'll have to sit back and agree with someone later. :D

This.

[Tweet]

This is quoted from my op. She has a history of being careless with her own things as well as others.
We are striving to teach her responsibility as well as common sense, I'm sure not everyone agrees in how we do that or that we should do it at all. She is less than 6 months shy of 18. She home schools right now, so she has no homework, and is home by 6pm everynight from work. When I was that age I worked 6-7 hours after school.

I am curious, a few of you suggested that because she isn't running around and getting high, that I should "cut her some slack." How is that teaching her responsibility?

Now don't get me wrong, we are very proud of her, I am positive that she will turn in to a stellar, productive adult. But I see lots of 18 and 19 year olds at my office(hired in as assistants or phone help) and out and about, with no sense of work ethic and a huge sense of entitlement. It is just not how I want my kids to turn out,.

She sounds responsible to me and it sounds like she made a mistake. I can only go by what you post here about her. I don't know what other examples you're talking about, so that's neither here nor there.

What other 18 or 19 year olds so or don't do seems pretty irrelevant to this discussion. Your daughter does not seem to have a sense of entitlement. I don't think that by cutting her some slack she'll be irresponsible. I also don't think that by paying it for herself she'll be scarred for life. I really don't think it's a big deal either way, to be honest.


I didn't see the not getting high comments, but I was one that said I'd likely cut her slack. She's working and getting good grades. She does chores around the house. Sounds good to me. I just don't think absolutely think every little thing to needs to be a some huge lesson.

[Tweet]

I think so too. I think if we treat our kids like they are screw-ups and every mistake like it is a criminal act then we won't like what our kids give us back in return.

And I agree with this, too.

[Mary_Mary]

As the mom of two 17 year olds myself this is what I would do:

When she gets home you take her to where the can opener is and say, "Hey, guess what I found in the dishwasher?"

Show it to her...open it up in front of her and let her see the water drain out from around the batteries. Say, "Hmmm, does this look right to you?"

See what she says.

If she acts like, "Oh my gosh...what did I do?" then discuss with her the fact that things that require batteries shouldn't go in the dishwasher.

If she acts like, "My goodness, why are you bothering ME with this?" then discuss with her the fact that things that require batteries shouldn't go in the dishwasher.

Either way, say, "I do remember mentioning to you that this shouldn't go in the dishwasher when I got it. If you don't remember that then I'm going to say it again...this sort of can opener CANNOT go in the dishwasher."

"Also, I would really appreciate it if you would pay for a replacement. (or go halves) Oh, and you're going to have to pry open all the cans with your fingernails until you get a replacement purchased."

(Of course I'm always threatening my boys with things that are totally over-the-top. My favorite is, "If you do that again I'm going to hunt you down and tie your ears together on the top of your head." They get the message that I'm making a 'serious' threat...but by the same token don't feel TOO threatened.)

[MomX3]

I think you have obviously done a good job raising your DD and you should not sweat the small stuff.

Imagine you had a job and you were doing so awesome and your boss called you on the carpet for a small screw up? I don't know about you but I tend to think small faux pas do not outweigh all the hard work I have been putting in and barely mention a passing reference lol.

my fil was running a property management company and had a lady who was great at her job and he called her at home to ask her why she did not turn down the thermostat at the last place she cleaned and she quit and I would have done the same.

When you are working so hard you don't want to be hassled with small stupid things like that your moms can opener is broken , which in the grand scheme of things is pretty small.

I think if you look at yourself you are really just mad at your own personal loss and not the responsibility issue.

[Mary_Mary]

I agree with Momx3 too.

Thinking about it, if it were one of my sons that I was making that speech to I would probably start off with, "I really appreciate it when you load the dishwasher before I get home, HOWEVER...I do want to point out to you that you need to pay close attention to what you're putting in."

When I was a kid/teen I hated it when I would get home from school and unload the dishwasher and when my mom got home all she would say was, "Why didn't you load the dishwasher?" She never recognized that I'd taken the initiative and UNLOADED it.

I WOULD bring it to her attention though. It IS something that she needs to be aware of.

[LivingLoveandLogic]

I would approach her with respect and empathy, she messed up and maybe that is a pattern for her, I'd suggest to her that maybe it will dry out and that would be a happy ending. Maybe it will dry out, but need new batteries, another happy ending. Maybe it is ruined. Instead of telling her she has to pay, I'd ask her how she'd like to handle things. Let her figure it out. If she has no idea what to do give her some suggestions. Some people pay for the things they break, some people ask to go halves.

The babysitting is a seperate issue. If you really think it is fine to do most of the work while your dd gets all of the pay then I don't think you would've mentioned it. You also mentioned that money is tight, tight enough that replacing the canopener is bothersome. I think I'd sit her down and discuss the situation. Explain that you have made a mistake by taking over her job. (This would be in refrence to settling disputes between your younger children and the babysat guest and fixing her food). That you feel you need to hand the job back to her, that settling disputes between all the children is part of her bringing her work home. Ask her how she feels about that, if she feels overwhelmed you could offer her some suggestions. You could do 1/3 of the work for 1/3 of the pay, or 1/ of the work for 1/2 of the pay. Stick to that, you could still put the money away and give it to dd later for a "graduation" gift or a going to College gift. The point is to teach her now that life is not a free ride. BTW it sounds like you've done a pretty good job in that area already.

***Mistakes she makes now are relatively cheap, like paying for the can opener. Hopefully holding her accountable now will give her the skills, knowledge and awareness she needs not to make big, expensive mistakes in her future.

[Ilovemonkeys]

I'm thinking that my kids break all sorts of stuff and it's never on purpose.
God knows how many windows they've broken. They just broke one of my dining room chairs 2 days ago, there is no way in hell we can afford to replace that.
They've ruined my couch with their bodily fluids, they knock the pipes off the sink all the time. We have an indoor window, well had an indoor window and they pulled it too hard and it fell right off.
A broken can opener would not even register with me.

[QuiltyConscience]

I think the babysitting thing would bother me more, the can opener, not so much.

I'd focus more on the babysitting WRT to responsibility, and give her a chance to do something about the can opener herself. I think it's pretty important to make sure she knows that she needs to do her job and nobody else will do it for her.

But not all in the same conversation.

[QuiltyConscience]

I would approach her with respect and empathy, she messed up and maybe that is a pattern for her, I'd suggest to her that maybe it will dry out and that would be a happy ending. Maybe it will dry out, but need new batteries, another happy ending. Maybe it is ruined. Instead of telling her she has to pay, I'd ask her how she'd like to handle things. Let her figure it out. If she has no idea what to do give her some suggestions. Some people pay for the things they break, some people ask to go halves.

The babysitting is a seperate issue. If you really think it is fine to do most of the work while your dd gets all of the pay then I don't think you would've mentioned it. You also mentioned that money is tight, tight enough that replacing the canopener is bothersome. I think I'd sit her down and discuss the situation. Explain that you have made a mistake by taking over her job. (This would be in refrence to settling disputes between your younger children and the babysat guest and fixing her food). That you feel you need to hand the job back to her, that settling disputes between all the children is part of her bringing her work home. Ask her how she feels about that, if she feels overwhelmed you could offer her some suggestions. You could do 1/3 of the work for 1/3 of the pay, or 1/ of the work for 1/2 of the pay. Stick to that, you could still put the money away and give it to dd later for a "graduation" gift or a going to College gift. The point is to teach her now that life is not a free ride. BTW it sounds like you've done a pretty good job in that area already.

***Mistakes she makes now are relatively cheap, like paying for the can opener. Hopefully holding her accountable now will give her the skills, knowledge and awareness she needs not to make big, expensive mistakes in her future.


I think this is a very good way to go. Admitting your part of it and tackling the problem with her.

[Sunnie]

NOPE not too harsh
sounds like she needs to learn a little respect for other people's property
.... like most teens .... :rolleyes:
just don't expect her to FULLY get the experience....
although .... she might .... she IS a girl :D

Funmommy/Nadine

WTF?

[nikkifaith]

Duh, Sunnie! Boys are stupid.

[Sunnie]

What real life situation? I have never been asked to pay for anything I broke while at work or even shopping. In fact, I have on numerous occassions been told no way when I tried to pay for something I broke.


Me too

[Sunnie]

Duh, Sunnie! Boys are stupid.


*smacks self in forehead*

I have two boys. I should have known that...

[xobehs]

Teutonic I TOTALLY agree with everything you said.
Word.

[nikkifaith]

You really should have.