Do you discuss major family changes with your child/children?

[Joyto5]

So we are all in the same room last night. I'm starting to feel the "Someones missing" emptiness again and mention it to DH. He says, "Nope, We're all here now!" My 11 year old daughter looks at me kind of puzzled and says "Momma? Did you and Papa.... do something... without asking me??" I had to totally ignore the comment and not show any expression. Like Dh and I are going to ask an 11 year old if it's okay with her to BD and procreate!

Part of me was laughing and the other part of me wants to talk to her about not being involved in every aspect of the family. She's very nosey and it seems we need to address this, as soon as I want to tell the kids we are having another sibling.

What kind of things to your children feel they need to be involved in, in your family? What do you feel you don't need to be involve them in?

[Sunnie]

I'm confused.

[Joyto5]

Do you discuss adding another child to the mix with your children, or would you just do it? What about changing careers? Moving to a new place?

Obviously this thread is for those with older children. I really think we need to discuss things like new pets with the kids, but the 3 I mentioned above really have to deal with the parent's alone. My daughter would like to think otherwise.

[Sunnie]

So we are all in the same room last night. I'm starting to feel the "Someones missing" emptiness again and mention it to DH. He says, "Nope, We're all here now!"

This part has me scratching my head.

[Joyto5]

This part has me scratching my head.

LOL! It's what we say when we don't feel like our family is complete. Everyone is there, yet one or more bodies are missing. (Dh and I both feel like it's only one more missing)

[Sunnie]

oh

[vulturemom]

Moving to a new place yes, that we would discuss and they would have input on it. .

Changing careers, that one depends. Does it mean we will have to move? Does it mean one or both of us will be gone more? Is it just a promotion in the same co?

Adding a child we would discuss after I was pregnant. Though my older kids do know that we aren't using BC so an addition to our family could happen at anytime. While we are open to hearing their opinion on it the final choose is DH and mine.

[chickabiddy]

I think that if you're going to hint about other children, you should be prepared to explain -- which, of course, is different than asking permission.

[samiam]

We discuss most major decisions with our kids. That does not mean we ask for permission most times but we do get their input and take that into account. We did not ask any of them about our last child as he was an 'oops'. They did know when we were trying to get pregnant with the other two though.

When we had to make a decision either to move or put an addition on the house we did talk to the kids about it. In the end it was only financially possible to add on. The kids really had no input there. They did however have input on room colors, helping EVERY step of the way (which was a huge learning experience for all of us) and decorating their own rooms. The best part in this was that for now all the kids have thier own rooms. The boys will soon have to share our old master.

[xobehs]

Our DC are too young to discuss these things. I don't know when I would include them in the decision end of discussions. I would think DH and I would be a to concensus about what we are doing before we propose such things to our children- as if to say, "don't worry, we know where this is going..."

[Daisy]

They don't have input, but we let them know what's going on, with things like moving/more kids/jobs. With things like where to eat out, which movie to see, what to do on the weekend, we discuss for input, not just to inform.

[TuetonicWillow]

No, I don't discuss things like business, moving, buying homes, adding a child to the damily and more with my children. I inform them when there is a change coming up and help them transition. I include them in preparations when suitable.

However, we don't include our children's input on such things. We consider them, thier needs and how it will effect them but those kinds of adult choices are just that- adult decisions. I'm of the opinion that including your child in the decision making process when it comes to remarrying or considering another baby is usually more detrimental than anything else. I'm not down with that.

I guess to me, a 9 or 14 year old kid just has nothing to offer when it comes to these things. I don't much care of my 12 yr old doesn't want to move this summer. We are moving, it's an ideal home in an ideal location in the only town in 100mile radius with good public schools. It's in his best interest to move and we know it, he doesn't, know what I mean?

I doubt I made my point clear. I am posting while changing windows to some Sonic game and dealing with ds2.

[Tweet]

LOL! It's what we say when we don't feel like our family is complete. Everyone is there, yet one or more bodies are missing. (Dh and I both feel like it's only one more missing)


I don't know if I would discuss something like that with older children as in getting their input. Maybe. I do think that if you don't want to talk about it with your DD, you should shush about it while she's sitting right there.

eta meaning if you don't want her input and aren't prepared to talk about it, it doesn't seem very fair to be all talking vaguely about it while your child is sitting right there.

[TuetonicWillow]

LOL! It's what we say when we don't feel like our family is complete. Everyone is there, yet one or more bodies are missing. (Dh and I both feel like it's only one more missing)

This is not something I would say to my child or in front of my child for several reasons.

[xobehs]

No, I don't discuss things like business, moving, buying homes, adding a child to the damily and more with my children. I inform them when there is a change coming up and help them transition. I include them in preparations when suitable.

However, we don't include our children's input on such things. We consider them, thier needs and how it will effect them but those kinds of adult choices are just that- adult decisions. I'm of the opinion that including your child in the decision making process when it comes to remarrying or considering another baby is usually more detrimental than anything else. I'm not down with that.

I guess to me, a 9 or 14 year old kid just has nothing to offer when it comes to these things. I don't much care of my 12 yr old doesn't want to move this summer. We are moving, it's an ideal home in an ideal location in the only town in 100mile radius with good public schools. It's in his best interest to move and we know it, he doesn't, know what I mean?

I doubt I made my point clear. I am posting while changing windows to some Sonic game and dealing with ds2.

I hear ya, ICAM- adult issues indeed.

[Wolverine]

I think it depends on age. I was 15 when my dad and step-mom told me they were having another baby. I was shocked. It would have been nice to have said something like "we are going to try to conceive another child". Not asking for permission... just talking about what the future might bring. I felt left out of everything discussion wise... it made it difficult to bond with my brother.

Like others have said... preparing yes. Asking permission... no.

[Joyto5]

Yes, I can understand not discussing things that are meant to be hush hush. We have all "discussed" adding one more to the mix even after our last one was born. It's no secret, really. I did forget to mention the glare and the "Hey, Clam it" look, I gave DH.

We also "discuss" family changes and get our children's input. But if it's something we feel is best for everyone, it will happen then we will work on transitioning. Having had to move 7 times in the last 9 years, (not to mention all the traveling with Dh's work) we know about transition.

I Like what TW said about "adult decisions". It's helping me better word what's going to be said to DD when the time comes.

[JenniferH]

I don't think you need to discuss the fact that you are pregnant with your 11-year-old until you are ready, but I think dropping hints in front of her and then refusing to tell her the truth when she asks is crappy. It's a form of passive aggressive behavior and I think you are setting yourself up for poor communication with her down the line.

If you want it to be private then discuss it in private.

We haven't had any major life decisions to make since our children were old enough to have an opinion. I do try to keep adult stresses away from them as much as possible (when we were concerned about dh's workplace going out of business, for example).

Lars is changing schools next year, but I didn't talk with him about it at all until I knew he had a high number on the lottery to get in. Once I knew he would get in I talked with him about it and he had the usual concerns about making a change (friends mostly). IF he'd come up with some really great argument about why he shouldn't go that I had not thought of then I would consider his opinion. However, final decision is up to me and dh.

[RedheadbyChoice]

We inform, not necessarily discuss. DH and I are the adults, they are the children. Are they in our minds, when discussing things? Absolutely. Do they get a vote? Absolutely not.

[Prisca]

We have discussed the possibility of having more children with our girls. Particularly about foster/adoption recently. We like to hear their opinions, and prepare them if there is going to be a life change. But no I wouldn't ask my child's permission. I would however take thier feelings into account.

[babymakes4]

yes, discission is good, and opens up the communication lines which is a good thing. dh and I discuss things with ds1 (hes 9) before it happens with certain things. For example, we are thinking of moving this summer, and we have all discussed it. Ds1 is really concerned and doesn't want to switch schools, it would be hard for him, since he had a hard time at the beggining of the year making friends, and would like to stay in the same school. His happiness is important to us, so we have decided that we will wait to move until we find something in the same neighborhood so he can stay in the same school.

However, things like changing jobs, having babies, getting married, those are things that ds1 doesn't get a vote in. those are adult decisions that must be made by us. Ds1 always gets a say in how he feels about it, but the ultimate decision is ours.

I think it's good to give him choices, as long as they are appropriate ones. He can help choose what we are having for dinner tonight, or what movie we will see, but he doesn't get to decide how many more children we will have, or anything like that. We do what we think is best and discuss it with him and help him deal. That is our job, we are the parents and he is the child.

[SingingMom]

We don't want our kids to feel responsible for the adult decisions in our lives.

We want to help them adjust to changes, yes. But we don't "discuss" things with them, except to help them prepare.

[Joyto5]

I prefer to make decisions in isolation without consulting anyone. It is more fun to just spring things on them. And then they can't meddle.

**Giggle** I did this to Dh with our 3rd child. He still says "You snuck him in on me!" Like it doesn't take 2.. right? *LAUGH*

[babymakes4]

**Giggle** I did this to Dh with our 3rd child. He still says "You snuck him in on me!" Like it doesn't take 2.. right? *LAUGH*

are you saying you planned a baby without consulting your dh? Im just being nosey. LOL

[Joyto5]

Yep! We both knew we wanted to give our 3rd a 3 year gap. He didn't realize it was that time yet. So yes, we joke about it.

[Sputterduck]

I can't imagine why someone wouldn't discuss major changes with children.

[irisheyes81]

I do not believe children should have a say in major decisions...especially having another child. I do think you should discuss it with them, though..even if it is after you are pregnant. I was in your daughters shoes at the same age when my youngest sister was born. My mom gave us "clues", but did not tell us straight out that their was a sixth sibling joining the family. I was extremely upset, because I felt we were not informed until after we figured it out and I knew that meant less freedom for me. I was the babysitter for my siblings, and since dad was gone on floats a lot (military), and mom had a lot of activities she wanted to do, that meant I did not get to spend much time with friends or doing other activities. I don't know if maybe that is what your daughter is feeling right now, but talking to her would probably do a lot of good. Feeling included in what is going on is something she probably would really like to be feeling right now. Especially since it already was hinted at.

[Tiffearni]

I wouldn't ask them for permission. I would probably bring it up out of curiousity for their opinion. Then talk to them about it more once I was actually pregnant.

[Tiffearni]

I believe in giving them a little heads up for things that are going to affect them, but I don't believe in putting big decisions on their shoulders. I do value their opinion though.

[RaisingThemLeft]

I wouldn't discuss plans to ttc with a child, but then if you mention it in front of them I think you should expect them to give their input. I don't really think your dd needs a talking to in this case, I think that in the future, you should just not talk about it with her at all until you are ready to make the announcement that you are pg.

I'm confused. You said that you felt like someone is missing, your dh said nope, everyone is here, and yet you are pg? Why did you say you felt like someone was missing if you are already pg? That sounds like something you'd say when talking about trying to get pg. Color me confused.

[Joyto5]

I'm confused. You said that you felt like someone is missing, your dh said nope, everyone is here, and yet you are pg? Why did you say you felt like someone was missing if you are already pg? That sounds like something you'd say when talking about trying to get pg. Color me confused.

DH did mean that we are all here, because of the pregnancy. He was just being a smarty pants.

[chickabiddy]

If you don't want her to speculate, or you don't think it's any of her business, then don't bring it up in front of her. At 11, she's old enough to know that there's something behind the "smarty pants" comment, and I really don't think it's overly nosey of her to ask what that is.