How much would this bother you?

[crissyy]

I usually lurk here and I posted occasionally before the switchover, but I haven't posted much since. I had a situation this morning and had to get your opinions.

I've been CDing my dd (3mos). Dh wasn't really "against" it, but said he wouldn't participate in the diaper-changing. That was fine. She was 2 months old at the time and he had changed ONE diaper. That's it. Not a big deal for him to quit diaper duty. :rolleyes: So, fast forward. I have a 3yo and a 5yo also. I figured since I was using cloth wipes for the baby anyway, I could solve the problem of 1/2 roll of TP in the toilet by just putting some cloth in bathroom cabinet to use instead of TP. Didn't ask him to use it, nor did I tell him I was doing it. Didn't really think I "had" to. DD#2 goes to the restroom this morning and gets in the cabinet to get a wipe. I hear him say "WHAT are you doing?" She says "Mommy says to use these cloths so we don't waste the toilet paper." He goes ballistic "You use toilet paper like a normal human being. You're not a baby." And he proceeds to make her wipe with toilet paper. She is very sensitive and was crying "but mommy said to use these". I ask him "Was that necessary?" He repeats the "they need to use toilet paper like a normal human being. I don't want to be picking up dirty cloths all over the place that they've wiped with or taking cloths with us on vacation" I told him that they didn't need to use cloth on vacation. Anyway, I was upset that he was so mad about it and I feel that he completely overreacted, especially in front of dd2. Why does he care what they wipe their ass with? He really doesn't contribute much to other aspects of their daily care, what does it matter to him?

[haleysmom]

I'd be PISSED with the way he handled it. Your poor kiddo. This part really pissed me off:

"You use toilet paper like a normal human being. You're not a baby." There's no reason he had to make her feel ashamed, even if he did disagree with the situation. That should have been handled between the 2 of you.

If he's not involved in diaper duty anyway... then I guess it's none of his business what the kids wipe with huh? ;)

Is it that he's worried what other people might think? (the whole vacation comment?)

[crissyy]

Dd is over it now, of course, being a typical 3 yo. It's the principal of the matter that upsets me the most. He totally undermined me in front of her, in addition to making her upset.


He is always concerned about what other people think. I don't understand why he is in this situation. It's not like I'm throwing out the TP, for goodness sake. I put a basket of cloth wipes under the bathroom sink. A visitor wouldn't even be able to see them. The dirty wipe would go directly in the diaper pail.

He doesn't have a problem with the diapers. I don't understand this. He's got a history of being unreasonable, though, so I don't know why this surprises me.

[Jacksmommy]

It would bother me very much. This issue would have to be resolved. The way he spoke to your dd was just wrong, and his opinion about cloth wipes is just weird. I don't understand the "normal human" comment at all.

[Still_Tbog]

I think he acted like a punk. If you arent forcing him to use them or to wash them, then he needs to get over it.

[Sunnie]

oh what a winner.

[Wildflower]

I think he owes you an apology for overreacting and also needs to talk to your DD about how he was just caught off guard and was sorry for what he said and that, wow, mommy's idea about the wipes was a great one to conserve TP.

[married_bears]

I think you should have communicated prior to changing the way you handle bottom cleaning. If you knew he was sensitive already about cloth diapering I feel you set him up for discomfort.

Was his reaction OTT oh yes.

Communication even when it is uncomfortable is crucial to a good marriage.

[crissyy]

Thank you all for your comments. I will talk to him tonight. I don't think it was handled properly and he should have spoken to me about it, not her. She was only doing what Mommy told her to do. It really shouldn't be a big deal and I kind of feel silly for making it a big deal, but I really feel like I need to make my point now. I wouldn't go against him deliberately with the kids, as I believe kids should see a united front. So, until I can convince him that this is not something that he needs to have an opinion on, I guess back to paper TP. ;)

I think you should have communicated prior to changing the way you handle bottom cleaning. If you knew he was sensitive already about cloth diapering I feel you set him up for discomfort.

I guess I should have talked to him first, but I really didn't see where he should have an opinion on it. I knew he wouldn't be all "YAY" about it, but I really didn't expect the reaction he had.

[RedheadbyChoice]

Gah, I hate it when people act like dipshits. And yes, he was very unreasonable and could've easily spoken to you about it at another time, rather than yapping irrationally in front of your DD.

[Mobeanie]

I can't imagine my dh getting all riled up about something that has nothing to do with him. It's her butt, if that's what she wants to wipe with and he's not expected to help or wash the wipes he needs to stfu.

Yelling at a 3 year old for doing what mommy said, when she told him mommy told her to do it would piss me right off.

[Amy_G_]

Even if your dh isn't involved in diaper changing, this is butt wiping of potty trained kids and he should at least have an idea of what's going on in his own house with his own kids, eh? If your dh is squicky about poop anyway maybe because of germaphobia--well I can imagine the idea of a 3 and 5 yr old wiping with something other than toilet paper and flushing it may have really put him out of his comfort zone. along with the idea that MOST people in the US would never think to wipe with something besides toilet paper. kwim? You should try to look at it from his point of view and then talk to him about your whys and how you've been handling it. I'd probably have to toss in a dig about "it's been like this for x months and you've just now noticed?" ;) but that would do nothing for favorable communication in the household, now would it?

[whitnessforhim]

I don't like the way he handled it. It was demeaning and rude. If he had a problem with it he should have discussed it with you, out of earshot.
And I am grossed out by cloth tp - and I cloth diapered, but the idea icks me out. So I get where he was coming from, but I don't agree with how he handled it.


This.

[samiam]

Even if your dh isn't involved in diaper changing, this is butt wiping of potty trained kids and he should at least have an idea of what's going on in his own house with his own kids, eh? If your dh is squicky about poop anyway maybe because of germaphobia--well I can imagine the idea of a 3 and 5 yr old wiping with something other than toilet paper and flushing it may have really put him out of his comfort zone. along with the idea that MOST people in the US would never think to wipe with something besides toilet paper. kwim? You should try to look at it from his point of view and then talk to him about your whys and how you've been handling it. I'd probably have to toss in a dig about "it's been like this for x months and you've just now noticed?" ;) but that would do nothing for favorable communication in the household, now would it?

I agree with this. My dh would flip out too if this had happened in our house, though I would hope he wouldn't have on the kid. I don't know though, I think he would say something to the kid though about using regular tp. My dh after getting over the ick factor would probably be more concerned about one of the kids accidentally dropping the cloth in the toilet and clogging the pipes up. He has had to route out our pipes a few times over the years and let me tell you it is a shitty job, pun intended.

This is not a new food you have tried, or a new decoration in their room, or new toy, this is about hygene and the kids bathroom behaviours. He definately should have known. If you had told him ahead of time and explained to him the whole process (they take clean cloths from here, put dirty ones in here, I wash them this way ever day or whatnot) he might not have freaked out so much.

[Babyhellfire]

I agree samiam-
I know my dh would FREAK about cloth tp,and he even changed a cloth dip here and there.
You should have communicated with him about it when you made the change(well ,when your potty training kids made the change)
.. I don't understand the hiding of it(and it kinda does sound like you were hiding it from him).

I can imagine if I were him, being upset and confused by the 3 yr old suddenly wiping her butt with a rag out of the cabinet instead of the tp.
Yes, His reaction was WAY ott and he shouldn't have yelled at her.
Sound like you BOTH should have talked to each other.

[undercovermother]

Hmmm. I remember the "normal human being" speeches. I am so glad that lunatic is gone. This goes beyond being unreasonable. The whole diaper changing refusal thing is really passive-aggressive.

[steelady]

Thank you all for your comments. I will talk to him tonight. I don't think it was handled properly and he should have spoken to me about it, not her. She was only doing what Mommy told her to do. It really shouldn't be a big deal and I kind of feel silly for making it a big deal, but I really feel like I need to make my point now. I wouldn't go against him deliberately with the kids, as I believe kids should see a united front. So, until I can convince him that this is not something that he needs to have an opinion on, I guess back to paper TP. ;)



I guess I should have talked to him first, but I really didn't see where he should have an opinion on it. I knew he wouldn't be all "YAY" about it, but I really didn't expect the reaction he had.
Take it for what it's worth, but I've found that even when I feel I know the answer, it makes things run smoother when I keep dh in the loop (and vice/versa). Sucks when it seems like I'm the only one doing it, but my minor irritation is minor compared with the potential arguments and I get to be insufferable in my self-righteousness (ok, that last part doesn't help the communication part, any :p).

It's weird, but we (as adults) forget that our partners may have some very odd hangups (that we may not know about). For all you know, there may be a back story that makes this your dh's wacky/weird hot button.

I do think he owes your dd an apology. This may be a good opportunity to come up with some "ground rules" for how to do some things (or for trying to do something different). May not help, but it's a thought.

(and I agree, he was OTT)

[paper_]

I can understand his horror at seeing his kid do something that from an uninformed perspective seems like a big mess maker, but then as soon as he found out that mommy told her to he should have backed off and taken the matter up w/ her. At the same time, when emotions get involved, odd behaviors can result. DD definitely deserves an apology.

I agree that DH probably should have been informed what was going on, but I certainly don't think he should have veto power over OP's use unless a big mess is created or unhygenic conditions persist (obviously not in this situation). Kids are much more of a middle-ground.

By the way I love the idea. I wish I could/would have the motivation to follow suit.

[CatSoup]

He needs to take a pill.

[Wolverine]

I wish I wasn't grossed out by family cloth. I think it's the "right" think to do... but I just can't get myself there. I see no reason why he should have been informed if he wasn't involved.

[crissyy]

Honestly, it never occurred to me to be family cloth converts.. LOL I was mainly just trying to solve a problem. It's done and over with. He explained to me later that he was just weirded out about the whole thing and freaked out a bit. yeah, a "bit". He has been understanding when we switched to cloth diapers, cloth napkins, and started hanging some clothes on a clothesline. :p My husband is very mainstream and constantly wants to be like everyone else and not rock the boat. I told him I would drop the cloth wipe issue if it bothered him so much. I should have told him first and he should have come to me with concerns. Over and done.

Thanks everyone for your thoughts, tho. :)

[samiam]

I wish I wasn't grossed out by family cloth. I think it's the "right" think to do... but I just can't get myself there. I see no reason why he should have been informed if he wasn't involved.

He should have been informed and he wouldn't have reacted the way he had. Also, he should know these types of things especially with having younger kids in the house as there might be a time when they need his help with a bathroom issue if mom is not right there. If my 4yo is having a problem wiping or whatnot, my dh is not going to call me in from outside, he will handle it himself.

[TuetonicWillow]

I don't like the way he handled it. It was demeaning and rude. If he had a problem with it he should have discussed it with you, out of earshot.
And I am grossed out by cloth tp - and I cloth diapered, but the idea icks me out. So I get where he was coming from, but I don't agree with how he handled it.


All of this.