going out on a limb for this post (LONG)

[lovely_tuesday]

i feel really vulnerable about talking about this, but none of my friends have had kids so i can't really talk to them about this.

did any of you experience true marital problems after having your first child?

a little back ground- we were married for 14 years before i had dd last november. we had several miscarriage over those years and we eventually gave up trying to get pregnant at all. i obsessed about it and thought that he had the same obsession. when i finally did get pregnant and made it past the 1st trimester (something that had never happened before). he then started saying that he wasn't ready to be a father, and didn't know if he ever really wanted to be one in the first place. i REALLY thought that he wanted it too, but i think i had HUGE blinders on. i don't think i really ever heard him- i remember he said after one really bad miscarriage that required some reconstructive surgery he said something like, "i really like our life with just the two of us." anyway- it did take him a good 2 to 3 months to 'warm' up to dd. he absolutely adores her now. but i was nervous at first about his lack of interaction with her. i hope i'm not digressing.

i don't think i was really prepared to have a child, because i cannot believe how hard it has been. i've shared some of it here, but i don't have any real support. my dh is in a 12 step program and feels the need to go to a meeting every night. i work full time and he is a stay at home dad. i take her from the minute i walk in the door from work- i cook dinner, and prepare lunches, feed dd, give her a bath, and anything else she needs and i get her to bed- no matter how long that takes. this has caused me to become extremely resentful and have true anger towards him on a daily basis. i've asked for help and i have to admit that just this past week he is really starting to take over more with her when i get home which has been a true gift. we figured it out last week- i haven't had 8 consecutive hours of sleep in 7 months. he HAS many, many times. i know that the sleep deprivation has caused me to have some distorted thinking and has impared my judgement at times. i'm worn out. i cannot believe how tired i am all the time. i know that this is a part of parenthood and i should just accept it, but it has been extremely, extremely difficult for me to do.

maybe none of this has anything to do with why we don't seem to get along anymore. when i try to ask him about what he thinks we don't get along he just points at dd and says, "i tried to tell you."

did anybody go through this? any tough times after having your first child? if so how did you work it out?

[Macabe]

I'm sorry you're going through this. Actually, DH and I had huge problems after DS was born, stemming in large part from DH's undiagnosed (at the time) mental illness (bipolar disorder). But sleep deprivation and stress probably was what pushed him to his true breakdown. My son didn't sleep through the night or night-wean until after 15-18 months, so I really feel your pain on that. At 7 months, he was still getting up 3-4 times a night to nurse, and taking an hour at a time.

So yeah, we had some tough times after our first child together (DH has a daughter from a previous marriage). Nothing is easy! For instance, on the one hand you're lucky to have a SAHD, but on the other, you feel like you're constantly "on" either at work or at home. Meanwhile, your DH probably feels like he needs a major break when you get home from work. Both DH and I work full-time, and we feel that strain.

The thing is, it's not fair for him to still be saying things like "I tried to tell you." at this time. It doesn't matter what he tried to tell you. He may have had reservations but he agreed to have a child, there's a child in your lives, and that's that. He needs to get over those feelings and be there for both of you. He just doesn't get to play that card any more. It makes it seem like when you're tired it's your responsibility because you were the one who wanted a baby. That's just not fair.

I agree that sleep deprivation can impair judgment and cause distorted thinking (that's a very good way to put it). Is there some way that he can help out with that? How often is DD nursing at night? At that age, I wouldn't nightwean if she still seems to need the feed, but if she's waking multiple times at night, maybe your DH could go in first, see if he can get her back to sleep, and if not then get you up. If she's waking many times it could just be out of habit rather than needing that many feeds. (My DS had weight gain issues and he reverse cycled, so I fed him whenever possible, but I know most babies don't need FOUR night feeds at 7 months like mine did!)

Or, maybe you could pump and have DH do night feeds sometimes so you can get some more sleep.

I'm sorry that he says that to you. I don't really have any advice but it's very, very unfair.

[RedheadbyChoice]

I wish I had some advice for you, sugar. I'm sorry. :hug:

[hidesome]

Unfortunately, I think what you are going through is pretty normal. I know we had similar issues with lack of sleep, feelings of rejection, neglect, jealousy etc. We essentially just worked like crazy to get everything done and tried to focus on the future. FWIW, I think we now have that future - or at least we are accustomed to our life with little ones. Neeks even said, "maybe we should try for a girl." the other day at the zoo. It is tough. It sounds like a cliche', but I think for most people it does get easier - not easy - just easier.

[RedheadbyChoice]

hidesome, I don't think maybe none of this has anything to do with why we don't seem to get along anymore. when i try to ask him about what he thinks we don't get along he just points at dd and says, "i tried to tell you." is a normal response.

OP--I'm sorry.

[cc1003]

First, I'm so sorry. That's really rough. Have you tried any Al-Anon (sp?) meetings? Also what about marriage counseling? :hug:

[SingingMom]

That is so NOT normal.

It's not very mature to blame your daughter for marital problems.

And there are LOTS of solutions for people who are interested. Like counseling, or talking out problems, or even working out compromises on some of the bigger issues.

YOU need some sleep, though. It is impossible to figure out how big your problems are when you are way, way overtired. Can you try and catch up on a weekend? Hire a sitter for a nap? What is possible for you?

[JenniferH]

God, I so hope she NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER knows about a conversation where he pointed to her and said, "I tried to tell you!" I can't imagine, even at 42, the kind of devestation I would feel if I thought my dad thought that the simple act of my being born had ruined his good life.

In addition to his recovery program he needs some parenting classes.

Difficulty adjusting to a third person in a household is normal. You've just gone from one relationship to three relationships. However, blaming an infant is so not normal.

I do feel for him being home all day and needing a break in the evenings. I feel exactly the same way a lot. DH does 75% of what needs to be done once he is home from work (partly because I go to work many nights).