Would you contact an Abuser?

[Joyto5]

Would you contact your abuser(s) with a letter letting them know how much their actions screwed up your life, in an attemp to heal/get angry feelings off your chest?

[Nursh]

No. I would write the letter and then burn it.

[RedheadbyChoice]

Nope and no way and not a chance in hell.

[Crabbie]

No. They didn't care then, why would they care now?

[TheLorax]

No, absolutely do not. If they are out of your life and you are off their radar, absolutely do not invite their particular brand of crazy back into your life and put yourself at risk, for that matter don't put anyone in your life at risk. Write what you need, and as suggested, burn it.

[JudyJudyJudy]

No. I was even around an abuser afterwards throughout my life, and I chose not to confront him.

[still_me]

My first response was no and then I started thinking more on it.

If they were emotionally abusive, I'd say no. Most people who are know for emotional abuse thrive on your hurt, even if it is years later.

If they have cleaned up their lives and you see the need for them to close that chapter and YOU feel the need, then I would.

As I have mentioned before my dad was addicted to drugs and alcohol for most of my life. I forgave him because he was sick. I forgave him for the physical abuse that he did. He can't even remember the time he picked me up and threw me in the bathtub because it wasn't cleaned before he came home. It hurts still, but I can't keep that poison in my body. I had to forgive to start healing.

He has been clean for a little close to 4 yrs now. The emotional abuser is still lurking and will pop out every once in a while. I have to stop it in it's tracks and to be honest I can't really forgive that part of him. It is much more personal.

[bocarioja]

Would you contact your abuser(s) with a letter letting them know how much their actions screwed up your life, in an attemp to heal/get angry feelings off your chest?

My first and honest response was, 'hell yeah... and I'd deliver my letter with the bullet from a 12 guage. Though I have never been personally abused, members of my family have (my mom) and it just angers me. I have no emotion. Just raw anger when I think about what she went through.

If I had to take the time to reflect, I would know that the only meaningful peace would have to come through me and me alone.

That other person may screw up again, and that may undo the healing...

[RaisingThemLeft]

No, I wouldn't want to invite that person back into my life at all. If they are already in your life, then I don't know. I haven't been in your situation before. Good luck with whatever you decide. I hope you can find a way to heal either way.

[Tiffearni]

Yes. I think it's good therapy for you to get it off your chest. I just wouldn't expect any response from them. Whether they care or not, they need to know what they did to you.

I just feel that it's strictly for YOU to feel better and nothing for them. I wouldn't want them to contact me about it unless they truly do feel remorseful, but that doesn't mean I would even consider having a relationship with them or that they are allowed to contact me in person or over the phone. I would expect a letter back from them IF they give a care to do so that way IF you so choose to read it so be it, do it on your own terms when you're ready, if not that's your choice too.

I believe it's an all about you thing to help YOU to feel better.


My mom and her two sisters did this with their dad, and actually things turned out really good for them. I also know those who's abuser don't care at all, but regardless, they still feel better to get it off their chest.

[samiam]

If you would have asked me 10 years ago I would have probably said 'hell no'. My dad was an abuser, emotionally and physically. I told him how I felt about what he had done when I was a child and he apologized for all the abuse. At that point I just needed to get it out for me, to go on with my life. It wasn't until about 3 years ago that he contacted me and we were able to start a relationship again. It had been 14 years since I had actually had a conversation with my dad save the one when I was 18.

I am glad I originally talked to him as I felt like it helped me. I am also glad I let him back into my life a few years back as it has been really great to have him around. He has definately changed over the years and I am glad that my kids are able to know him and have a relationship with him.

If I had thought that approaching him would have brought heartache or abuse back into my life I would NOT have tried anything though.

My advice to anyone thinking about doing this would be just that. If you have any thought of this causing more heartache or more problems then NO, don't do it. I think you also need to do this for yourself and no one else. You also need to go into it expecting nothing in return, for if you don't get an apology or whatnot you will be most likely really let down, KWIM?

[jaelwoman]

I said no, my first thought being to write the letter and burn it afterwards, but then I remembered what my friend went through.

She had been emotionally abused by her mother for her entire life. She finally sat down and poured all of her thoughts and feelings into a letter and mailed it to her. She never got an acknowlegement of the letter, but she was really able to heal and move on after she did that.

[Babyblue]

no, I think it would invite them to stalk me again, so deffinitaly no.

[HammBugga]

What kind of abuse are we talking here?

[JustMoi]

No. If an abuser got off on hurting me, why would I give them something that tells them how much it hurt me for them to get off on it further?

[Justicedog]

Would you contact your abuser(s) with a letter letting them know how much their actions screwed up your life, in an attemp to heal/get angry feelings off your chest?


The bolded portion is the reason I answered yes. If it is something that will help me, then ok, however, if it will bring them satisfaction or a feeling of power, then no.

However, after reading responses, i'm thinking that it likely isn't worth the risk of arousing the abuser's interest in me (and mine).

Perhaps write it and burn it, give it to a counselor, post it on a website. (I wonder if there's a website to post, "you hurt me" letters.

Website: http://angel.soulfully-spoken.com/submissions/?category=red-letters

[Wolverine]

No. I would write a letter. I think writing is therapeutic. However, I would never open lines of communication with my abuser in any way.

[Kristen]

If the victim needs to do for their own personal healing then I say yes. If the victim is doing it with the intent to bring peace to the abuser then I say hell no.

[EvilAmy]

I wouldn't let them know they screwed up my life b/c in while they may have derailed it for awhile, I'm not permanently messed up. So if I did say something it would be along the lines "You tried, and YOU failed and quite miserably I might add." Which I have said to one in particular, I didn't go out of my way to contact them.

[Joyto5]

What kind of abuse are we talking here?

Sexual Abuse by one man. Emotional, Physical, spiritual and verbal abuse by another, not to mention, said persons families and the constant untrue stories told about me to others in order to save said families face. (13 years of it)

This would be for myself and myself only. I did write a letter on the advice of my therapist a few years ago but burned it. For me, the burning didn't work. I'm not sure if the Sexual abuse person really ever changed his life around. The other Abuser could care less about what he did to me, and it's him I feel the most anger toward! He knew about the abuse his son did and still did nothing. I was told I brought it on by being to pretty. (I was 3 when it started)

After much soul searching today, I need these men, and their families, to know exactly how I feel about them, what they did to me, and why I'm writing the letter. I don't wish any further contact with any of them (Which is hard because some of them moved near us! We now shop at the same places) I need to heal and move on! I need these poisons to leave my system. I need not to feel like I need to hide when I see them at the store. I did NOTHING WRONG!

I appreciate all your comments and will soul search some more before following through. I need to know, without a shadow of a doubt, that this will help me heal.

[nicurn]

I was actually contacted by my abuser as a part of her healing therapy. It was an interesting conversation, and led to both of us healing better.

However, have you thought about all of the potential outcomes, and how they might affect you? Will you feel satisfied if you receive the response that the abuse wasn't really abuse, and that you deserved it? Will excuses or returned accusations increase your anxiety? For the one who lives close, will it become unbearable if he shares the letter and his version of events with those who know both of you?

I voted yes because of my personal experience, but I don't know if I could have handled any of the potential outcomes I just mentioned.

[Joyto5]

I could honestly care less if he/they share the letter(s) with others. The people who want to know can come and ask. I will then ask Why before Anything is said. All the rest aren't even worth a second look since they are all in my past life. For all they care, I've traded in my "salvation" in for an easier life without all the restrictions. In their eyes, I'm going to Hell and don't deserve to be saved.

[still_me]

Sexual Abuse by one man. Emotional, Physical, spiritual and verbal abuse by another, not to mention, said persons families and the constant untrue stories told about me to others in order to save said families face. (13 years of it)

This would be for myself and myself only. I did write a letter on the advice of my therapist a few years ago but burned it. For me, the burning didn't work. I'm not sure if the Sexual abuse person really ever changed his life around. The other Abuser could care less about what he did to me, and it's him I feel the most anger toward! He knew about the abuse his son did and still did nothing. I was told I brought it on by being to pretty. (I was 3 when it started)

After much soul searching today, I need these men, and their families, to know exactly how I feel about them, what they did to me, and why I'm writing the letter. I don't wish any further contact with any of them (Which is hard because some of them moved near us! We now shop at the same places) I need to heal and move on! I need these poisons to leave my system. I need not to feel like I need to hide when I see them at the store. I did NOTHING WRONG!

I appreciate all your comments and will soul search some more before following through. I need to know, without a shadow of a doubt, that this will help me heal.


Personally, knowing that they haven't changed their lives would make me stop from writing them. They'll never acknowledge what they did because they don't see it as wrong. Most abuse is done so the abuser feels power. By writing them you might be giving them more power. I can see how you want to end it though and bring a peace into your life.

Abuse sucks because you never have control. You don't have it when they are abusing you and you don't have it in the end because nothing you can do will ever make those people see or feel how you felt. It is a dark shadow that can slide so easily back into your mind.

I had to make peace within myself. I blamed myself for a lot of my abuse. If I would of been a better kid, cleaned faster, listened harder, stayed away even though I just wanted my dad in my life...If, If, If.... My peace couldn't come from my dad. It had to come from me. It was and has been the hardest battle in my life. For years I hid from it. I didn't pay attention to details in my life. I tried my hardest to run and at one point it over took me again. It was a dark and lonely time. During this time I found my DH and unknowingly he brought light into my life. I had prayed for a lot of things and he fit one of my prayers perfectly. I am learning my triggers and have calmed the static that was in my mind.

I have sidetracked greatly, but I want you to know that one day you will find more peace. One day you will be able to see those people and walk past with your head held high because YOU DESERVE THAT! The people that abused you and the people that believe them are the ones that are wrong. They are the ones that should hang their heads in shame and leave an aisle if you walk down it. Your success as a wife, a mother, and a caring person is more than enough proof that you aren't those people and that yes, you are a good person. In a way that is more powerful for them to see than anything else, IMO.

I understand the want to writing a letter. I can see where you are coming from, but I fear that it will bring them into your life more. If they read those letters do you think they'll feel empowered enough to approach you?

[StElmosFire]

I would not. It would in fact for me not heal old wounds but bring them back to the surface to deal with all over again. Plus he wouldn't give two craps less.

[Sashahomeschoolmama]

No. In my eyes it would be giving them power over me and that's not something that I would tolerate.

[Tiffearni]

See I don't view it as giving them power. I feel that if you tell them how you feel about them, and how they hurt you in the past and how you're moving on that you're taking your power back from them and you're telling them that.

[still_me]

See I don't view it as giving them power. I feel that if you tell them how you feel about them, and how they hurt you in the past and how you're moving on that you're taking your power back from them and you're telling them that.


Abusers thrive off of power and knowing that they can affect people. She is still being affected by their actions and is trying to end that chapter in her life.

[vulturemom]

No I think the more you tell them that they messed you up the more power you give them.

[Still_Tbog]

I did. I called my father on Father's Day of 2005. I told him I forgave him for what he did. I HAD to do it for my own sanity. I held so much bitterness against him and telling him I forgave him helped me SO much.

No, I havent forgotten how abusive he was, and no he hasnt contacted me since, but it did a lot for my piece of mind.

[Still_Tbog]

See I don't view it as giving them power. I feel that if you tell them how you feel about them, and how they hurt you in the past and how you're moving on that you're taking your power back from them and you're telling them that.

Exactly. At least that is how it worked for me.

[samiam]

In reading your last post I would not write and send a letter to them especially since you NEED to know it will be a good thing and bring closure. That is not a definate and IMO probably not even a probably given you know they haven't or might not have changed. As far as a pedophile I don't believe they change. Everything I have read or heard says they have the ability to control thier urges but they never change. Think about you and me for example. We may be attracted to other adult men or women, so much so that we may sleep with them as well. While we can control the sex part we cannot necessarily who we are attracted to or what sex. I think pedophiles (though on a completely different plane as they are sick sick bastards) are always attracted to the younger children on which they have already preyed on. I do not think they can ever change that without serious extensive therapy and IMO even that is a leap.

In your shoes, looking for closure or an apology much less acknowledgement of the wrong doing in the first place, I would NOT write them a letter. If you wrote me a nasty letter telling me how I ruined your life and I saw myself as a saint you better bet I would right you, call you, or stop in to tell you how wrong you were. Think about it.

The best thing you can do I feel is what I did when I was a teen and was able to start accepting my father for who he was and letting the past go. You need to realize that the past is the past and there is nothing you can do to change it. You did not ask for or deserve the abuse but it happened. I'd like to think out of every bad thing in life something good comes, try and find that and center on that. You said you had a great relationship, look at that and really hone in on the good things in your life.

As far as going to the store and seeing them I would try my hardest to ignore them or pretend you don't even know them.

[samiam]

FWIW, the abuse with my father was emotional and physical. If it were sexual I would like to think I would put a bullet in his head before I ever let him back into my life. I know abuse is abuse but sexual abuse to me is by far the most evil of evils and I could not accept a person like that back into my life.

[steelady]

First off, no, I didn't and wouldn't write him a letter. Then again, I was able to (mostly) move passed it without that, so I don't know the feeling of needing something yet not getting it and the abuse was when I was in college, not as a child.

So, I guess I don't really have advice since I don't really have the experience. Given that, I noticed something in one of your posts that would alarm me (if it were something I wrote) and would make me want to talk with a councilor (i'm sure you already have).

For me, the burning didn't work. I'm not sure if the Sexual abuse person really ever changed his life around. The other Abuser could care less about what he did to me, and it's him I feel the most anger toward!

Do you feel you need the abusers to do something for you to feel healed? From what I know about abusers, there is a very good chance that they will never change. Most of the woman here who written talked about having to forgive their abusers to move on. I'm sure acknowledging the abuse and the effects is a great big huge step on that journey, but it seems you want to contact them for retribution (?) or solution from them (them changing?) rather than you being in a place to forgive them and move on.

If this isn't applicable, my deepest and most sincere apologies. I truly have no idea of what I am talking (from an experience stand point) and am truly sorry you do know.

[Joyto5]

First off, no, I didn't and wouldn't write him a letter. Then again, I was able to (mostly) move passed it without that, so I don't know the feeling of needing something yet not getting it and the abuse was when I was in college, not as a child.

So, I guess I don't really have advice since I don't really have the experience. Given that, I noticed something in one of your posts that would alarm me (if it were something I wrote) and would make me want to talk with a councilor (i'm sure you already have).



Do you feel you need the abusers to do something for you to feel healed? From what I know about abusers, there is a very good chance that they will never change. Most of the woman here who written talked about having to forgive their abusers to move on. I'm sure acknowledging the abuse and the effects is a great big huge step on that journey, but it seems you want to contact them for retribution (?) or solution from them (them changing?) rather than you being in a place to forgive them and move on.

If this isn't applicable, my deepest and most sincere apologies. I truly have no idea of what I am talking (from an experience stand point) and am truly sorry you do know.

I think you do understand, but for me, I feel like I should do more to warn other people about his past. (I've already tried every possibility and it's all backfired because of statutes of limitations and their church clergy not taking me seriously because I've left that religion. Everything short of passing out fliers about him door to door in their community.. which would be a stretch since it's kind of a closed in cult and everyone is always watching for trouble makers. Wouldn't that make a great News Headline! "Former Polygamist Member seeks vengence by posting fliers about former abusers") This family is looked at as a great people and others really look up to them. It could be my messed up way of wanting to squash that profile and destroy them socially. (I know, not healthy) But I think the fear that drives me is knowing this man has most likely sexually abused his, or other children he is in constant contact with.

Another reason I don't want to let it go is perhaps they have a conscience? If I bring it up and something is still going on perhaps it will stop (I know, unlikely) My only hope, is someone else will come forward and report him. Then with my file on record and another persons, they can look into it more and prosicution can start.

To answer your question, "Do you feel you need the abusers to do something for you to feel healed?" I want Justice! I want them punished! I want to make sure no other child can be hurt by these men... EVER again! ..... After re-reading all this, it sounds like I may be due to start counceling sessions again. Something isn't resolved!

[steelady]

I know you know this, but you may never get justice. Life doesn't seem fair at all, does it?

In all sincerity and honesty, IMO, the true justice has nothing to do with who knows what about whom. To me, the true justice comes from what these monsters are missing in life-true love, happiness, contentment and the ability to connect with other human beings in a real and meaningful way. That feeling of connection you get at Thanksgiving, or Easter, or sitting in the baseball bleachers cheering after a homerun, when you realize it isn't just about you, but that there is something greater than us all out there.

They'll never have that. Ever. They may think they do, it may look as if they do, but they will never truly understand or feel that love you feel when you held your children that first time and looked them in the eye. They can't feel that; they have no heart and little soul.

And I know you know that all already as well and getting preached at by a stranger on the internet isn't going to make it feel real to you any faster.

On a practical side, I wonder if you would benefit from contacting one of the Victims/Survivors groups related to the Catholic church clergy abuse.

I suspect there may be mechanisms out there to help you-perhaps volunteering for abuse counciling, general outreach programs; I would have thought with the other polygamy abuse scandals that there may be a support group somewhere for those who manage to escape.

You can't be the only person struggling with this and there is strength in numbers.

Sort of like the old Pantine commercials ;)

[Joyto5]

Yes, there is a support group. It's called Tapestry Against Polygamy. When we left in 1998, I was asked to write my story and the reasons why I left and refused. I don't hold any malice for the group that raised me, as a whole (Which is what this "Support system" attacks). It's individual people who hold certain "authority" and can make or brake a person's social standing within it. It's not like the ones on the News. Girls don't marry until 18+ and they choose who they marry in most cases. Being the kind of environment tho, it tends to attract men who dominate and force themselves on the Women and Girls. Even though I don't fully agree with all their ethics on the matter I feel it may be time to write out my experice and share.

Thank you Steel. Your last post made me cry. I really am a happy person and am very glad to have the family life I have now! No one can take that from me! Once in a while though, this little monster tends to creep up and bring up the past.

I think my journey now, is finding how to let go and push those feelings and thoughts out when they start creeping back. I've always wanted to volunteer with others who went through the same things I did. I feel I have a lot of love and experience to share that may help them heal, only I don't feel I can fully help until I'm fully healed. Not sure that's a possibility.

[BoobySnacks]

It depends on how you feel, if you need to confront. I never really confronted my dad with the way that he hurt me. He was abusive both mentally and physically, not sexually at all. I truley confronted him only after he died and it was in my mind and dreams.

Sometimes I wish that I would have confronted him when he was alive so that he could have had the chance to work through it with me as two adults, but the last time I saw him, which was after many years of not speaking to him, I could see it in his eyes that he knew that he hurt me. I think that in his mind, he thought that he did the best he could, but in his heart and soul, I think he knew that he fucked up.

When I dream about him, he does know and in my heart, I think he does too. That is all I have now and that is enough for me now (there was a time when it wasnt). I forgive him because after all of these years I realized that even though he was so big and strong and often very mean and cruel, he was so weak and so fragile in so many ways and was not strong enough to fight his demons in this life. Fact is, I still love him..because despite his rage and inability to control his anger and physical and mental attacks, in his soul, there was good and we did have fun sometimes and he could be so loving and funny sometimes..sometimes...

I do not think I would feel the same way if it was sexual because I don't think that is a forgivable kind of abuse and I would not have it in me to forgive and I would not have ANY contact with them. To me, that is the definition of true evil. But that is just my opinion.

[samiam]

Have you tried to go to the local papers with your story?

[Jacksmommy]

Joyto5, you sound like you need to do this. I hope it brings you the result you're looking for. It might be very cathartic just to get it all written out and given to them.

[NazirsMom]

Would you contact your abuser(s) with a letter letting them know how much their actions screwed up your life, in an attemp to heal/get angry feelings off your chest?

I did but I never gave the letter to him....
I found the letter one day and just ripped it to pieces

[Babyblue]

Knowing a little more of your story, I honestly don't think giving just him a letter will do anything, he will just laugh it off because he is a monster who has not gotten help. Though I worry that the abusers have never changed and have just moved onto the next innocent little girl. I am more of a vindictive person then you, but I would probably just drop a bunch of cheap printouts around their neighborhood. Most people will probably ignore it or just crumble the paper, but maybe just maybe there will be a few parents who at least take some of it to heart and try and protect their daughters from them. And in doing that perhaps you will find the peace you are looking for.

[feroxfemina]

I've thought about doing it a thousand times over.

I was sexually abused at a very young age but recall the moments with outstanding clarity. I relive the horror at least a few times a week, and it fills me with rage now that I have my own children to look after. I want to contact him. Rant and rail, scream and cry.

I want him to know exactly how much he's taken away from me. I don't care if he's 'served his time'.

[Joyto5]

I've thought about doing it a thousand times over.

I was sexually abused at a very young age but recall the moments with outstanding clarity. I relive the horror at least a few times a week, and it fills me with rage now that I have my own children to look after. I want to contact him. Rant and rail, scream and cry.

I want him to know exactly how much he's taken away from me. I don't care if he's 'served his time'.

(Been out of town with the family)

:hug: I fully understand! I was 3 when it started. I have very few childhood memories after the age of 3 that don't include the abuse. I was "raped" of my childhood, as you were also. It changes how you look at everyone. Your trust level, even with family members, is distorted. Your overly protective with your children and where they are allowed to go, and with whom. Soo many other aspects change your views of raising your children. I don't care when someone says I'm over protective. I say right back at them, "At least I know they're safe." If they give me a hard time further, I mention I was abused by family and want to protect mine.

samiam ~~ I have not gone to the local papers about it. I've thought about it... ALOT! Part of me isn't ready for my entire community to know my full past. It would be a great story right about now with all the polygamy news.

Babyblue~~ That was my fear. Someone doesnt do that to someone 3+ days a week for 13 years, and stop instantly. It's part of them. It's who they are. I've gone every route legally possible to try and get justice and get the word out so others may feel comfortable coming forward. I've talked with his communities clergy after hearing his church calling involved children. But word stopped at him and I was pretty much told "You can't remove him from his G-d, given calling by bringing up accusations that happened years ago." So, yah.. they don't think what he did is all that serious, or that person is in the same situation and refuses to bring certin things up.

I'm still mowing over what I should do. I'm more at peace over it today but it goes in droves like that. I have a hard time writing out my story without getting very angry at my mother as well. When it was finally brought to light all she did was confront him and my x-step-father. She didn't go to the Law, which is where it should have gone.

[camille97]

Sexual Abuse by one man. Emotional, Physical, spiritual and verbal abuse by another, not to mention, said persons families and the constant untrue stories told about me to others in order to save said families face. (13 years of it)

This would be for myself and myself only. I did write a letter on the advice of my therapist a few years ago but burned it. For me, the burning didn't work. I'm not sure if the Sexual abuse person really ever changed his life around. The other Abuser could care less about what he did to me, and it's him I feel the most anger toward! He knew about the abuse his son did and still did nothing. I was told I brought it on by being to pretty. (I was 3 when it started)

After much soul searching today, I need these men, and their families, to know exactly how I feel about them, what they did to me, and why I'm writing the letter. I don't wish any further contact with any of them (Which is hard because some of them moved near us! We now shop at the same places) I need to heal and move on! I need these poisons to leave my system. I need not to feel like I need to hide when I see them at the store. I did NOTHING WRONG!

I appreciate all your comments and will soul search some more before following through. I need to know, without a shadow of a doubt, that this will help me heal.

I'm so sorry, Joy. :(