Helping someone in an abusive relationship?

[JulieBaby]

My XBIL is an extremely abusive person. His current partner (of about a year and a half) is turning to me with her problems.

I dont know exactly what to say to her because I dont want her to get angry and stop confiding in me, because I know I am the only one she has to talk to. I dont want to be shut out, it will worry me even more of what could happen to her.

She is currently 5 months pregnant, and against all my warnings she intentionally became pregnant.

They both hit on eachother. He cheats on her and drinks excessively (like his brother and their father). He also smokes weed and has had a heroin addiction.

Theyve been arrested numerous times for domestic disputes. The most recent thing happened on Sunday. She passed by a local pub and caught him with an ex girlfriend. She told him off and he dragged her into his car, drove down to his mothers house and dumped a gallon of bleach all over her. Sweet, caring XMIL did not even offer her the hose so she could get the bleach off of her, she just watched (along with XDH) while her son did this.

By the time she walked up to the main road and was given a ride to pick up her car the bleach had burned her skin where her clothes were.

I dont know what the hell to tell her, Im afraid he will endup killing her, or at the very least I know that next time he will do something much worse than pour bleach on her. She tells me he told her later on that she was lucky it hadnt been gasoline because he would have set her on fire "rant"

What can I do for her? Last time I tried to tell her to get out of that relationship she completely shut down, and wouldnt talk about the subject any longer. There is more to this, if it more needs to be told.

[MadisonsMommy]

I will be praying for her and for you! She def need to get out... I would not want that kind of man around my child! I hope you find the right way and the right words to help her! This is really hard...

[Jacksmommy]

You can find her the number of a women's shelter. You can call the police when you witness abuse. She is in a very dangerous situation, but to get out of it she must make the choice to do so.

[peytonsmommie]

I don't think there is anything you can say to her to make her leave him. Were the police called when this happened? If not, they need to be called but she has to be the one to call. What a sad situation.

[peytonsmommie]

I don't know about where you live, but here where I live the actual victim has to make a report, unless that victim is a child.

[JulieBaby]

I don't think there is anything you can say to her to make her leave him. Were the police called when this happened? If not, they need to be called but she has to be the one to call. What a sad situation.

She did not call the police, she called me a while after it happened because she didnt want to show up at her house looking like that (she live with her mom) I offered her some clothes and told her she could shower here, and suggested she go to the hospital. She declined saying she didnt want to leave her car alone outside, went home, showered and wentto the hospital.

I dont know what story she gave at the hospital but she did not say it was him.

[JulieBaby]

Also, heres the rest of the story.

The same thing tahthappened to me with XMIL is happening to her. XMIL wants to have complete control over her sons and theyare so idiotic that they listen to her. She doesnt think any woman is good enough for her sons, and keeps insisting until they leave their partners. Obviously she hasnt been able to split those two up so she does the next best thing and pushes her son to treat herlike dirt and abuse her (she doesnt tell him directly, more like plants the seed).

'Angie'(not her real name) knows this, and has told me numerous time that she refuses to give XMIL the pleasure of seeing them split up. But I really wonderif she has gotten things twisted, and if she'd rather live in an abusive relationship than leave him and give exmil that pleasure

[Jacksmommy]

It's just a bad situation all around. Are you saying "Angie" might be staying with a man who abuses her just to spite his mother? Whatever the case may be, your friend is in danger. I hope she gets out of that relationship.

[3girls2luv]

This is a very dangerous situation. Part of me says you should not get involved and the other part of me says keep the lines of communication open and keep telling her to get help. Sometimes when a woman is being abused she feels that there is no way out and her self esteem has been sucked out of her. She needs to hear that she does not deserve this and neither does her unborn child.

I speak from experience because I was once an abused wife and I did feel that my self esteem had been sucked out of me by my abuser. A freind whe knew what was going on told me several times that I did not deserve it and eventually those words help me get out.

[steelady]

Call your local woman's shelter and ask for advice. You are in over your head (assuming you aren't a therapist or councilor).


I've never been in your (or her) situation, but from years of reading at bf.com, I've learned that you can't force her to get help and you are not responsible for her bad decisions (unless you are feeding her drugs or something, and I'm pretty sure you are not).

Just from what you wrote, I would worry about your own mental health as well. It is easy to get wrapped up in someone else's problems (especially since you've sort of BTDT with the XMIL), so please take care of yourself as well.

[babymakes4]

you can't force her. The only person that can make the choice to leave that relationship is her. I suggest you call the local battered womens shelter and get some advice, perhaps you should have her over for some private girl time so you can really sit and talk to her, does she really want to put an innocent child in danger? Does she want to live in danger?

[Iconoclast]

I've worked with a DV group for years and what steel says is true, there really isn't anything you can do until she wants to make a change. When she is ready, offer emotional support. Otherwise I'd stay away from him and not get too involved. I have seen a lot of innocent bystanders get hurt.

[xobehs]

My BFF just went back to the abusive man her family and I helped her break free from. It is only a matter of time before it starts again.

Sorry i am of no help, it is a subject heavy on my heart.

[Trollarious]

Call your local woman's shelter and ask for advice. You are in over your head (assuming you aren't a therapist or councilor).


I've never been in your (or her) situation, but from years of reading at bf.com, I've learned that you can't force her to get help and you are not responsible for her bad decisions (unless you are feeding her drugs or something, and I'm pretty sure you are not).

Just from what you wrote, I would worry about your own mental health as well. It is easy to get wrapped up in someone else's problems (especially since you've sort of BTDT with the XMIL), so please take care of yourself as well.

Truer words were never spoken around this joint. Exactamundo, Steel.

I don't have much fancy book larnin', but isn't there something in science about a fast moving object needing a more powerful object to knock it off course, or something like that? That's what we have here. The fast moving object is a group of very sick, addicted, angry, out of control, dangerous people. It is a freight train headed for a tragic ending without a counter force changing it's direction. That's usually jails or institutions, or worst case scenario, death.

There is really nothing that the world's greatest therapist could do as it is now. Therapists need a partner in creating change. An open, honest, willing participant.

It's a sad and frustrating thing to see adults, like the mom/grandma in this situation (and the sons), still operating with the emotions of a child. A hurt child. Control, control, control. A very desperate attempt at control anyway. And down the drain they all go, taking anybody in thier path with them, certain that the world has done them wrong.

I don't know. Take care of yourself anyway. That you can and must do.

[nikkifaith]

.45

[JulieBaby]

I've worked with a DV group for years and what steel says is true, there really isn't anything you can do until she wants to make a change. When she is ready, offer emotional support. Otherwise I'd stay away from him and not get too involved. I have seen a lot of innocent bystanders get hurt.

Somtimes this is the exact reason why I cant seem to pick up the phone when she calls at times. I dont want them to find out I am talking to her, because I know if they split up I will be the one to blame, even though XBIL is the one ruining the relationship.

These people are extremely good at blaming others, not themselves. They still blame their cousin for DH and I seperating. They say if my SO hadnt been a friend of theirs XDH and I still would have been together. No blames on their sons who was the one cheating, drinking, partying and making children with someone else other than his wife.

Back on subject: Angie says XMIL has asked her repeatedly why she stopped at the bar when she saw him there with that other woman, like it is her fault things happened the way they did. Sick...

[Sputterduck]

You know what? I hate to say this but there is nothing you can do. She won't leave until she wants to. I was in an abusive marriage for 7 years. It's almost like you are blind and you can't do anything but keep trying.

I think the one thing that gave me the strength to leave was that I knew I had a friend that I could lean on when I left. I needed to know that I wouldn't be alone. This friend also told me straight up how horrible it was that I stay. Especially since I had a child. This friend didn't hold back on me at all. It hurt like hell to hear, but I needed that.

After hearing what my friend said over and over again, and it sinking in for a while, I wanted to leave. For my child. I never would've left otherwise. And I never would've left if I had nowhere to go.

I thought it would be so miserable when I left, but I was surprised at how easy it was and how happy I was. I was so free.

[Sputterduck]

I also want to say thank you for being her friend. I said there is nothing you can do, but being there obviously means something to her. Don't let her problems affect your life, though. But be there for her when you can.

I never would've left without my friend.