Making visiting relatives stay in a hotel

[crissyy]

I have an issue with my family. I live 500 miles from my family and, frankly, I'm glad. They have different views on raising children than I do and I frequently have to defend my parenting. My niece, for instance, talks back and even curses at my sister sometimes. Dh and I are trying to raise our kids to be respectful. So, anyway, there is alot of friction between me and my family quite a bit. My mom was trying to plan for some relatives to all get together and drive out for a visit. I made sure they understood that now that I have dd3, it would just be too hard for everyone to stay with me. Dh is not from a big family and gets really agitated having alot of people in the house. I just thought it would be a much calmer visit if they stayed in a hotel. Well, long story short, the other relatives backed out along the way for one reason or another. Now my mother, sister, and sister's 2 children (5 and 3) are the only ones coming. My mom is upset because I am still sticking to my belief that it would be easier for them to stay in a hotel. She has made comments that she is not happy because we would be able to do more if she didn't have to pay for a hotel. Is it wrong to make family stay in a hotel if you have a finished basement for them to sleep in. Where to sleep is not necessarily the issue, but more of having a "break" from each other each night. Niece and nephew don't have any kind of set schedule, while my kids have a set bedtime and are bears if they don't get their sleep. Add that to the fact that my niece was sent home from school several times with lice. I know it's not her fault, but I just don't want her sleeping on my couch without knowing if sister treated her. I feel guilty, but I just don't see having a nice visit with them being here 24/7 for 3 days. I don't know how to get my point across without being all-out rude.

[AuLait]

First of all, I have a very similar situation except with DH's side, not mine so I can understand. They almost never come visit us because they don't want to pay for a hotel, so we are expected to make the sacrifice and visit them twice a year instead. We willingly put ourselves in a hotel because we'd go crazy staying in their homes.

In any case, I don't think you're in the wrong at all. 4 extra people in any household is going to add a lot of stress. I would simple re-iterate that you and your DH think it will be too much to have that many people there and you'd prefer that your kids get a good rest every night so they're fresh to visit with their cousins, aunt and Grandma the next day. Just keep saying it over and over again with a smile on your face and try to drive the conversation into another direction... like what you can do on those three days :)

I hold that it would be cheaper, not easier, for them to stay with you. I've never been in a situation where stuffing more people into a house makes anything easier.

[still_me]

Personally, I'd let them stay in the finished basement. You have a break from them for how many days out of the year? I wouldn't find it hard to make it for 3 days.

As for the lice, do you even talk to your sister? Why do you think she'd still have it? AND it doesn't matter if your niece sleeps on your couch or not because if she has it you all will still get it.

I had my sister in and my 3 nieces for 9 days. It was crowded at times, but they are my family. My sister is quite lax in her discipline when she is here (she's on vacation), so I have my nieces follow our rules. If it would ever be brought up (which it hasn't been) then I'd just tell my sister that it is my house, my rules.

[cream_city]

I think it is reasonable with that many people. It sounds as though for that many people sleeping arrangements will still be a bit tight. Also, bathroom stuff always gets so hectic with lots of guests.

We are starting to expect people to stay in hotels, just because I find it stressful to have company around the clock. Our place is small, though, so it makes it easier.

People definitely will express some unhappiness, though, so you need to be confident about it and not act as though you think you've done something wrong, I think.

Friends of ours are considering coming for a visit, and I just mentioned that our place was on the small side and that I could give them the names of several hotels nearby.

The only people we have stay with us are single visitors and both my parents on the rare occasion they come to visit -- and after the birth of our second child in January, we've let them know they'll need to stay in a hotel for the first visit out.

Good luck!

[Sashahomeschoolmama]

Besides having a small house, I enjoy my privacy. There are very few people who would be welcome to be houseguests.

[chickabiddy]

I don't think it's wrong -- I don't have a good space for guests and prefer not to host overnight guests -- but I always offer to pay at least half of the hotel bill.

[Indigo]

For three days I would suffer them to stay personally. I would make sure the lice thing was cleared up but I am not sure why you think she may not have treated it, have you heard she is not treating it?

I understand the concerns and the exhaustion, we do this with friends/family with kids then recover afterwards because it's busy/crazy but we have a good time visiting too.

[Jacksmommy]

If I had space to accomodate that many I'd let them stay with me. My parents stayed with us last year for 2 weeks. I gave them mine and dh's bedroom and bathroom. They had a TV and a computer in their room. I also made it clear that bedtimes and naptimes are strictly observed in my house - which meant they had to leave or go in their room during that time. It's weird to be that bossy, but my house is normally very quiet, and I didn't want my ds's sleep schedule to get messed up.

[chinapiggy]

I would not want them staying with me. I think you could offer to pay for some of their meals, some sort of fun activity, or part of their bill. You could also state the rules of your house very clearly and if those rules are not followed, no more staying with you. Jacksmommy had a good idea too!

[steelady]

For my family, I couldn't do that because it would be more hassle for me (I would feel compelled to hang with them at the hotel, etc). However, if you can maintain boundaries, I see nothing wrong with it. You have to do what's best for your own family. I totally understand how much disruption fracture bedtimes can cause-for ds it can take weeks sometimes (or at least it use to, he seems to be currently inhabited by aliens) for him to get back on schedule.

As a side note, it seems like you are very judgmental of your sister's parenting. I'm not sure that is much different from what you claim they are doing to you.

[babymakes4]

Im kind of on the other side of the fence. My side of the family (mom, gma, brother) live 400 miles away, we go there and they come here about 3 or 4 times a year. We all stay together in the same house every time. I never mind them, and they don't mind us, we are all happy to be together, and the kids adjust to the time schedule difference for a couple days, it's not an inconvienence.

HOWEVER, when we visit dh's side of the family we ALWAYS stay in a hotel with the children. There is just too much friction between everyone that staying under one roof for a day would be nearly impossible. Of course they never visit us but we are expected to make the trip to them at least once a year.
If they came here I think I would suggest they stay in a hotel as well. I would rather have a stress free visit, than stress myself out catering to people who I don't like anyways.

[babymakes4]

I would not want them staying with me. I think you could offer to pay for some of their meals, some sort of fun activity, or part of their bill. You could also state the rules of your house very clearly and if those rules are not followed, no more staying with you. Jacksmommy had a good idea too!


See I don't see a problem with them staying in a hotel at all and I think the above suggestions are good ones. How about meals at your house? They could be as simple as lunchmeat and cheese sandwiches and potato salad or something. Or maybe a nice dinner one or two of the nights.???

[Iconoclast]

I think it is pretty presumptuous of them to expect you to host them. A group of 4 should should expect to stay in a hotel. Your mother and sister can splt it. Have them for dinner one night. Unless my hosts have a very large home, we expect to stay at a hotel every time we go anywhere. To tell the truth, I prefer it.

and on another note, you should not be helping them with the expense, they should be taking you out to dinner at least once during their visit!