My dad sucks..WWYD?

[Oakenfoldgrl]

Friday night DH and my dad got into a fight. My dad has a problem with DS1. He is a high maintenence kid and pretty emotional. He started throwing a fit while we were at fireworks. The kid had been going 100 MPH that day being in the sun, swimming, playing with cousins so he was pretty tired. It was 10 at night and he couldn't calm himself down. DH is trying to handle the situation like we would at home and my dad keeps butting in saying "leave him alone, don't give him any attention, he's getting exactly what he wants." He wouldn't let DH and I handle it.

We get to my parents house and I take the baby downstairs to get her to sleep and my dad starts getting on DH's case about how (and these are the exact words he used) worthless DS1 is and how we don't parent very good and he can see exactly what kind of kids they will be when they are older. He also went on to tell DH that he was a horrible parent and that he lets DS1 get away with anything and everything (which isn't true) and so on. DH was livid of course and came downstairs and told me we were leaving, but couldn't because we had 3 sleeping kids already.

If I approach my dad in person I know he wouldn't be above doing something to me physically if he were to lose it, but I feel that I should say something. I know in my heart that it won't make a difference because he thinks he does no wrong and is above apologizing, but good hell where does he get off on saying that kind of shit about my kid!!?? He treats DD1 great because he helped me out with her when I was single and calls her #1 and she can never do wrong. He treats DS2 pretty good in ways of playing with him and interacting. He has NEVER given DS1 a chance EVER. DD2 he only cares about because of her condition and I guess it makes him feel important to have a grand kid with something wrong?? I can't figure it out, it's really weird. I feel bad when we go there because my dad gets on DS1 case about anything and everything. It's old. Very old. I'm sick of being told how bad my kid is, I'm sick of him calling him jail bird..I'm about to write him off, but feel I can't because they have helped us out a whole lot.

What would you do in this situation?

[Wolverine]

Personally, I would tell him how I feel and distance myself if he can't straighten up. The way he treats your children and dh would not fly around here.

I'm so sorry. You have enough to deal with.

[babymakes4]

I would tell my dad exactly what you mean, of course I am blunt and would probably say something like "This is my kid, and I am the parent, you are not, so STFU." That would never fly with anyone in my family, dad, mom, anyone. I parent my children.

As far as your dad putting your ds down that is completely unacceptable and not to be tolerated. You are teaching your ds that it's ok for people to treat him that way.

I would definitley let your dad know that if he wants to be a part of his grandchildrens life than he needs to be a grandparent and let you be the parent. Also, he should not be allowed to speak about your child that way and I would make that very clear. children need relationships with people who love them and lift them up, not someone who puts them down all the time.

Im sorry you are dealing with this, if it were me I think I would distance myself and my children a great deal.

[Jacksmommy]

I would avoid any man who I thought would hurt me physically, was rude to my husband, and unkind to my child. If he wants contact because he wants to be close to your daughter then he needs to learn how to be nice. You set the rules about how people can be with your chidren. Don't let this man have power that's not his.

[steelady]

Personally, I would tell him how I feel and distance myself if he can't straighten up. The way he treats your children and dh would not fly around here.

I'm so sorry. You have enough to deal with.


This.

One of the hardest (yet freeing) things I've done is to limit contact with those who cause me more stress.

[Oakenfoldgrl]

I really don't understand what his problem is. But you are all right. I do need to distance myself from him. I guess I feel a lot of guilt just thinking that because they have helped us out financially and bought us a ton of stuff for each of our children when they were born, but that shouldn't be a factor when thinking of my child's emotional health.

This really was just something I didn't need right now or ever for that matter. My DS is a good kid, he's just high needs and has a different personality than my dad is used to. Either way it's no excuse for him to treat my family like that.

[babymakes4]

I really don't understand what his problem is. But you are all right. I do need to distance myself from him. I guess I feel a lot of guilt just thinking that because they have helped us out financially and bought us a ton of stuff for each of our children when they were born, but that shouldn't be a factor when thinking of my child's emotional health.

This really was just something I didn't need right now or ever for that matter. My DS is a good kid, he's just high needs and has a different personality than my dad is used to. Either way it's no excuse for him to treat my family like that.


You are very right, you need to distance yourself or have a serious conversation with him. And just because they have helped you financially doesn't mean you deserve to have the stress of this in your life. You son comes first, and what is best for him is best for you.

You need not feel guilty about a situation you did not create.


MIL and FIL have helped dh and I many times finacially, I mean BIG financially, and they also favor their granchildren from dh's sister over ours and our kids can tell and it hurts them (I won't go into specifics.)

Dh and I have distanced ourselves from them QUITE a bit. we don't call them or make arrangements to see them, unless we run into them somewhere in public we make no effort to see them anymore or talk to them at all. And you know what? We are happier and so are our children, we deserve to be treated with respect and so do our children. Our lives are better without the stress and drama of it all.

[whitnessforhim]

I would avoid any man who I thought would hurt me physically, was rude to my husband, and unkind to my child. If he wants contact because he wants to be close to your daughter then he needs to learn how to be nice. You set the rules about how people can be with your chidren. Don't let this man have power that's not his.


This for me too!

[hotlama]

I would avoid any man who I thought would hurt me physically, was rude to my husband, and unkind to my child. If he wants contact because he wants to be close to your daughter then he needs to learn how to be nice. You set the rules about how people can be with your chidren. Don't let this man have power that's not his.

Ditto for me too.

You don't have to have contact with him. Dh's biological mom his absolutely horrible. We only have contact with her when we absolutely have to for things like Thanksgiving or a new baby ect. My kids know who she is but they don't have any type of real relationship with her. Luckily dh has a stepmom who is tons better so the kids aren't really missing out on having a great Grandma.

[CatSoup]

Tell him that if he doesn't let you parent your own way then you won't be seeing him anymore.

[TuetonicWillow]

One of the hardest (yet freeing) things I've done is to limit contact with those who cause me more stress.


I agree 1000x over.

Cutting off toxic family is incredibly hard but so well worth it. I've been happier these past couple of years than ever before and I credit a lot of it to finally being able to just write off my family (not all of them). They are very negative people who bring grief and chaos and stress into my life and offer nothing positive in return.

Just accept it. That's easier said than done, though. Limit contact, know you're better off with great distance and feel the peace that you will undoubtedly find.

[cream_city]

Given his attitude to your son and your fear that he might physically hurt you, I think any financial assistance is a non-issue.

I would let him know in no uncertain terms how I feel (maybe a letter if he is a danger to you), and distance myself. Over time, if he seems to understand your point, you might slowly see if he can abide by the rules/boundaries you have set. If not, I'd cut him out of my life as much as possible.

[Tweet]

I'd likely have written him off long,long ago and I'd definitely do so now. I won't put up with ANY person referring to my child as worthless and I'd damn sure not be around anyone that I feared might get physical with me.

[Nipple_nectar]

I would avoid any man who I thought would hurt me physically, was rude to my husband, and unkind to my child. If he wants contact because he wants to be close to your daughter then he needs to learn how to be nice. You set the rules about how people can be with your chidren. Don't let this man have power that's not his.

Exactly!! How old is your DS1 and who is calling who a jailbird and why?

[Earthmama]

:hug:

I agree with the general sentiment already expressed here.

[Oakenfoldgrl]

Exactly!! How old is your DS1 and who is calling who a jailbird and why?

DS1 is 5 almost 6. My dad calls DS jail bird because he thinks that DS' attitude will end him up in the slammer and because he thinks he's a bad kid.


nak

[JenniferH]

If I approach my dad in person I know he wouldn't be above doing something to me physically if he were to lose it...

Honestly, if I felt this way about anyone I would not be sleeping in his house or having my children anywhere near him so he would not have had the chance to belittle my husband or my son.

For me the issue is not what he said to your dh nor what he said about son. The issue is this is a person who is volatile enough to physically harm another human being if he "loses it". I would never purposely put my children in a situation where they could be at the receiving end of physical violence or witness physical violence. What else might set him off?

[Tweet]

DS1 is 5 almost 6. My dad calls DS jail bird because he thinks that DS' attitude will end him up in the slammer and because he thinks he's a bad kid.


nak


Good fuck.

I'm honestly shocked you've put up with that shit for this long.

[Sashahomeschoolmama]

I wouldn't have anything to do with him. But I don't have a relationship with my dad so I'm not the best authority on this subject.

[Justicedog]

Honestly, if I felt this way about anyone I would not be sleeping in his house or having my children anywhere near him so he would not have had the chance to belittle my husband or my son.

For me the issue is not what he said to your dh nor what he said about son. The issue is this is a person who is volatile enough to physically harm another human being if he "loses it". I would never purposely put my children in a situation where they could be at the receiving end of physical violence or witness physical violence. What else might set him off?


I agree. Are you just visiting him?

[TexasMama]

I would leave whenever my dad said something out of line to my husband or kid. Even if it involved waking up sleeping kiddos.

Please tell me your dad isn't calling your son names like "jailbird" where he can hear it. You need to stand up for your son by either confronting your dad when he says these things or leaving the premises whenever it happens.

If gramps continues to be verbally abusive, without showing any signs of remorse or trying to revise his behavior, I would consider seeing him less or not at all.

I have had to make those kind of decisions in my life. I have no contact with my dad, since he is physically and verbally abusive and not safe for kiddos to be around.

My FIL is an alcoholic, and a couple of times when we were visiting has said something totally out of line. We left the house immediately. We still have contact because he is normally loving, and that kind of behavior is rare even when inebriated.

ETA: If your worried your dad might get physical if confronted, definitely don't confront him. Just leave. And if you are worried he could get physical or dangerous, I don't understand the benefits of spending time with him.

[Tulip]

Severely restrict any time spent with him. Spend as little time in his presence as possible.

If he approaches you about why you've been distant, just tell him you don't want to expose him to your unruly children.

Confronting him in person isn't going to be constructive. He's already formed his opinion of your family. You saying otherwise isn't going to change his mind.

Don't give him another opportunity to criticize you.

[camille97]

If I approach my dad in person I know he wouldn't be above doing something to me physically if he were to lose it, but I feel that I should say something. I know in my heart that it won't make a difference because he thinks he does no wrong and is above apologizing,

What would you do in this situation?

Why in the world are you even going around somebody who will beat your ass? I know he's your dad, but please don't put yourself in that situation. Additionally, your kids don't need to be around that. :(

[babymakes4]

how about a letter or a phone call instead of physically confronting him. I find that sometimes my feelings and thoughts are more organized and I can think about what I am saying if I right them down on paper.

[nikkifaith]

Your son deserves better. You deserve better. I would not maintain any relationship in which I thought it to be a real possibility that I be struck or otherwise physically harmed, shared DNA or not.

[nikkifaith]

The things my mean ass aunt said to my sister and me, still create horrible feelings twenty years later. Don't let your dad do that to him.

[Sunnie]

DS1 is 5 almost 6. My dad calls DS jail bird because he thinks that DS' attitude will end him up in the slammer and because he thinks he's a bad kid.


nak

I was told that when I was 12. Here I am now, almost 30 and not so much as a speeding ticket.

If I approach my dad in person I know he wouldn't be above doing something to me physically if he were to lose it

And you let your kids around this person?

[chinapiggy]

Just write him out or limit contact to meeting at a mutual place once in a great while. I would tell him over a heart felt letter. Tell him that hit hurts your feelings and you will no longer put up with it. He can keep his trap shut or never see you all again. I have limited contact with my father and his bitchy wife and I am so much better for it. They had even helped me out a tiny bit in my earlier years. All that matters is the health, safety, and happiness of your family. Frankly I am shocked that your DH said nothing and just went to you. Mine would have taken my dad outside for a nice man to man chat and put a stop too all his bullshit in a heartbeat!

[Oakenfoldgrl]

DH was pissed, but was trying to keep a level head when talking to my dad. Apparently, my dad kept telling him to not be offended and DH said, "how can I NOT be offended when you are saying stuff like that about my son?". My dad is clueless.

It really makes me wonder how DS1 was treated while Aja was in the hospital. (they were the only ones that could take the time off to take care of the kids).

I rarely leave my DC's alone with my parents...Both sets because of how I feel about both of them. Usually, when my dad says something about DS1 I tell him to knock it off and he will, but he still makes snide remarks about him and I get on his case about it. It just never ends. He's not usually saying this around DS1 so he doesn't hear much of it, but I can tell that he KNOWS my dad doesn't really like him because he avoids him as much as possible. It makes me sad.

It's so hard for me to cut off contact because he took me when my parents got divorced after my mom flat out told me she didn't have enough room in her new life for a kid. So I'm pretty attached to him. I know that limiting contact or cutting off all contact is the right thing to do, I just don't know how to go about doing it. Since this happened, my grandma has offered for us to stay at her place when we go down to visit or when Aja has an appointment which is good so we don't have to ALWAYS stay at my dads house. I plan on writing him a letter about all this crapp. DH has offered to help me word it so it doesn't come off as me screaming at him but more or less informing him that we will not be taking his shit anymore and that DS deserves to be treated better than that.

[Nipple_nectar]

DS1 is 5 almost 6. My dad calls DS jail bird because he thinks that DS' attitude will end him up in the slammer and because he thinks he's a bad kid.


nak

Have you ever had a heart to heart talk with him? I would tell him that if he uses the term jailbird even once more that you will be forced to cut ties with him. Tell him how damaging you think his behavior is. If you think your going to lose him over this then he wasn't really worth having in your life.

[babymakes4]

Your letter will come off better if you use words like "I feel" instead of accusatory words such as "you do this"

I really think you should write the letter. And I really think that part of you is probably trying to come up with reasons in your head to stay in contact with him. I won't go into specifics here, but it took me several years to finally walk away from someone who was hurting me and my children. (namely my dad)

If you want to talk you can feel free to pm me any time, I'm not always the best advice giver, but Im a great listener. :)

Good luck to you, I hope you find a solution that works for you soon, it's so hard to be in the middle of something like that, trust me, I know.

[mtmomma]

This.

One of the hardest (yet freeing) things I've done is to limit contact with those who cause me more stress.


Ditto, I see my mom maybe once or twice a yr because of similar stuff.

[Oakenfoldgrl]

Have you ever had a heart to heart talk with him? I would tell him that if he uses the term jailbird even once more that you will be forced to cut ties with him. Tell him how damaging you think his behavior is. If you think your going to lose him over this then he wasn't really worth having in your life.

I've had many, many talks with my dad. He just turns it around on me and justifies his behavior. I've told him before that if he didn't knock it off we wouldn't come down and he said "there's the door". Which makes me think that he probably wouldn't be that upset if I were to walk out of his life, or that is his way or protecting himself.

I know that I'm making excuses. I can see in my own posts and I even tell myself that. I know what I need to do. It's hard and it rips my heart out, but it hurts me even more to see my son being treated poorly and treated unfairly all because my dad "can't deal with him".