Tell me about your parents...

[Nipple_nectar]

Mary marys thread struck a chord with me. This might be way too bloggy and long so feel free to bail on me while I air my thoughts.

I am jealous of people who have such admirable relationships with their parents. Both of my parents are alive and all of my life I felt I was in a functional family, normal at best.

That is until I grew up and started meeting other parents. My parents are in their seventies and while I do love them, I feel stifled to express any emotion towards them. I think this is how they wish to be treated.

My dad: he doesn't smile. Ever. He isn't happy. He is cantankerous on a good day and downright obnoxious if you catch him on a bad day. I can't remember ever saying "I love you" to him, he doesn't show any outward sign of affection. Never has. Especially not towards my mom. He makes you feel awkward if you try to express yourself to him, I stopped trying a long time ago.

I figure, he is old school~ when they didn't express emotion, right?

Well, then there is my mom. She doesn't smile. Ever. I can say the same damn thing about my mom. The only time she hugs you is if you are going on a plane. As if there is some potential for catastrophic loss there??

So, there are these two human beings that no longer share any love between them. I can't bear to take the both of them together~ ANYWHERE! They argue and bicker the entire time, it makes me crazy! I will not take them anywhere together.

In fact, most of the time, they plot to travel to family GTG separately on purpose. They don't drive and intentially split up for the travel.

So, I guess the whole point of this thread is to see if there are any other posters here who have such disjointed parents? I'm trying to blame it on their ages but the truth is I wished they had split up a long time ago because to see them both so unhappy is quite sad to watch.

[hotlama]

My dad is an alcoholic. My mom is loony but she's not bad. My step mom is a bitch. My step mil is materialistic and has to keep up with the Jones'. My fil is a "Bible pusher". My step fil is a child abuser. My mil is a woman who cheated on her husband, married the guy and stayed with him even after he beat her kids.

Your not alone. Everyone has a messed up family. Some families are just better at hiding the damage.

[WalkingTittyBar]

I have a good relationship with my parents, but I do feel some resentment toward them. They divorced when I was 12, which was a relief. Until then, almost every day was filled with fighting. They get along fine now although there is still tension when are in the same room.

My dad was/is an alcholic, but he wont admit it. Growing up, he worked alot, drank every weekend and was very stern. The sound of his "mad voice" still scares me. He was and still is very frugal which is where alot of my resentment comes from. We never went anywhere or done much of anything as a family.

Dad is now much, much more mellow. He would do anything for his family. He is a great grandpa. I wish he would take better care of himself. He still drinks but he no longer drinks and drives, thank God. He is very protective of me and my kids, even though I am almost 30 years old. He is a major worry-wart and his worrying drives me crazy sometimes. We always end our phone conversations with an "I love you".


I am close to my mom. Growing up, my mom always made tons of homemade candy and cakes. She is a great cook. When I got to my teen years, and she and my dad divorced, we became more like friends than mother and daughter. I dont remember her being very happy before they divorced.

Now she is remarried to a total and complete worthless asshole. Her health is declining and she looks very tired all the time. She is a very good grandma and loves her grandkids like crazy. We always end our phone calls the same way as me and my dad.


Overall, my parents are good people and I think the done the best they could at the time. I love them tons and I know they feel the same about me.

[FrznPolarAngel]

Growing up, dad was not around (military...deployments) and mom walked on water. She and I were VERY close, been through hell and back a few times.

As an adult, realized my dad was an alcoholic and my mother had many mental issues. Surprisingly, my dad and I became close while my mother and I drifted apart. She was very hurt and angry for me leaving for Alaska. I do not have much of an opinion on my stepmother, she has always been nice and helpful when we are in each others presence. (I have only met her a handful of times)

My mother died suddenly but I was able to make peace with her before her passing. 2 weeks before Christmas, she went into the ER for difficulty breathing, week later I was told I needed to come down and spend time with mom. They was sure she had cancer and depending on what the cancer depended on how long they expected her to live. She passed away on Christmas with all of us kids surrounding her. Turned out she had breast cancer, lung cancer and cancer in the lymph nodes. I am very grateful for those last few days with her.

[_Tonks_]

My mom is a know it all but she loves her children. I believe she is really lonely even though her and my dad are still togather. We used to work togather she was happier then. She now is unemployed but watches my brothers kids for free.

My dad is a grotch. Nice to other people not mean now were all adults unless its my brother. Theres really not much to say except I have always been scared of storms and when my mom worked at night he would let me sleep in his bed. Some times I would lay down at the bottom of the feet during storms but they bother where big and took up alot of room.

[TaraBear]

My dad passed away in a solo car accident when he rolled his vehicle and then crushed by it when I was 17, it was the day after my parents 28th wedding anniversary. I was close with my father, well as close as he would let me, he had a very hard time expressing love, he was abused growing up and had a hard time with emotions, he gave off the impression of a meanie to others but he was a big teddy bear.

My mom is my BEST friend, I love her to death, she always has the right answer for everything. She is ALWAYS right! (something I've grown to love) many of my good friends love her as if she is their mom, it's wonderful!!

[Wolverine]

My dad is a control freak and very mean and gruff in his communication. He's gotten softer since he has gotten older. In my childhood, he was often verbally abusive or absent.

My mother has untreated bipolar disorder and is at times psychotic. I have not spoken to her since I was very young (16 I think) because she was so abusive and unpredictable.

My step-mom is ok, but I have never connected with her as a parental figure. I have a much younger half brother and she does pretty well by him although she tends to smother him a little.

[samiam]

My mom is awesome. She raised us six kids with an abusive husband and gathered up the strength to leave him one day. That alone showed me how strong she was. We spent time over the years in family shelters when shit hit the fan with my p's. She left him with six kids, not having a clue how she was going to make it or keep food on the table. She worked nightshifts at Denny's and did daycare during the day for years just to get us through. She made my dad leave when she new the house was in forclosure due to a tax issue that was not my p's fault but they didn't fight early enough. Just by the grace of whomever is holy did she get the chance to fix it and keep the house that my father built and we all grew up in.

Over the years I have seen my mothers faults come to light. She has always put us kids first and put herself on the back burner. It has shown me that you have to also think of yourself sometimes in order to keep your relationship with your kids and loved ones healthy. She has also been so dependent on us being around that it has made us very dependent on her, something that isn't so good as you grow older.

My father was an asshole growing up. He was an alcoholic and abusive on every level except for sexual. Just like my mother though, over the years I have also seen the good things. He did provide for us at least until I was 14 years old. Coming from an even more abusive household he was much better than his mom was.

He is now part of our lives again and I couldn't be happier. He truly loves my kids and treats them fairly and with love and respect (something I wish I had as a kid from him).

My in laws were perfect in just about every way or so I thought. The only issue I had with them is that they never talked about anything serious. Anything serious was alwasy hush hush. My family was the opposite in we share everything, too much at times.

Then 3 years ago we found out my fil molested his own dd from the ages of 6-16, far from perfect in every way. I now see my fil as a sick bastard of an old man and my mil as the one that 'stood by his side'. I still can't understand how a mother wouldn't pick up on someone sexually abusing her dd for years. I will never grasp how she stayed with him. If my dh had done that he would be lucky if he still had a penis, he definately wouldn't have me.

It is hard to bite my lip and get along with his family as though everything is allright. They are used to skeletons in the closet and are okay with communicating with his parents. Over the years I have battled with myself on whether I should be keeping my mouth shut for my dh's sake (and just biting my lip) or if I should just tell them to fuck off like I would love to do. My greatest fear is something happening with me and my dh and my kids ever being alone around those sick bastards. The only reason I have saved face up until this point is so that in that event I feel like maybe I will have a little more pull in protecting my own children.

[Jacksmommy]

My parents are in their 60's. They talk, argue, play games, and still flirt with each other. They each have their own interests, but they spend time in the evenings together. I think they're very cute together.

[nelsonwife]

My dad is a control freak and very mean and gruff in his communication. He's gotten softer since he has gotten older. In my childhood, he was often verbally abusive or absent.

My mother has untreated bipolar disorder and is at times psychotic. I have not spoken to her since I was very young (16 I think) because she was so abusive and unpredictable.

My step-mom is ok, but I have never connected with her as a parental figure. I have a much younger half brother and she does pretty well by him although she tends to smother him a little.


Whoa, I could almost post the exact same post as you, wolverine. Of course, slight differences between us.

My Dad was very Gruff and curt, and short tempered. He was very "rough" with my sister and I up until my mom moved out. She took us with her.
We moved around ALOT ever since then,so from 4th grade to highschool, was very hard on me to make friends, since we would move away all the time.

I grew to love my Dad, despite his indifferences, and as he got increasingly ill (he had lupus) he changed for the better. He became more humble, and showed his love and feelings for me and my sister.
My sister and I found out when we were just entering middle school that my dad wasn't my sisters' biological father, and from that moment, my sister had denounced him, and always said she hated him, and called him YOUR father, to my face. I always hated her for that.

My mom was very irresponsible ever since we moved out, and jumping from place to place was because she would let the bills run up, and electricity gets turned off etc., she owed 3 months back rent, then up and moving time.
I never realized how bad it was until I became a mother myself, and reflected on my childhood. I started distancing myself more and more from my mother and sister. (she is bipolar too, among other mental and physical issues)

So, Of course there is more, WAY more backstory, but pretty much.... one week before my dad died, my sister tried to get back in his good graces once she was informed by my mother, that he was really ill, and seemed to be on his very last leg. It was pure mishap/ and conincidince that he died from very unrelated issues, one week later. I miss him so much.

Now that my dad is gone, there is nothing holding us here in Texas, so we will be moving up north closer to Dh's family. I will never see my mom and sister again, if my hopes come true.

[xobehs]

Growing up things were rough off and on. We were always struggling financially and both my parents liked to hit the bottle- alway out with friends not at home- I was pretty lonely for quite a few years. I moved out when i was 17 and in with my brother where he went to college (when I was home from Boarding School- which I LOVED going to). We made ammends, people straightened out, my mom got a college degree and my dad retired. We now all live together in an extended family household and I am thankful every single day. I love my mom, I need my mom, she is my best friend I hers. we are thick as it gets.

[Joyto5]

My Mom and dad split up when I was 3 years old. Mom didn't allow any contact at all. I wrote him a letter when I was 23 because I was curious about him. He wrote back and sent some photos, books and genealogy. His letter and books he wrote gave me a HUGE insight into who he was and why I am the way I am. He passed away before I was able to write him back of a massive heart attack.

Now Mom is trying to make up for lost time with us kids and most of us resent it. Granted, her 3rd marriage of 13 years sent all but one of her children into therapy (The one still needs to go but refuses to bring up old scars) She worked all the time, I raised my siblings and kept the house clean and laundry done, not to mention meals cooked for everyone from the time I was 9 years old. We didn't have a mother, until we married and moved out. She tries to get buddy buddy with us at times but we tell her we don't like the show she puts on. It's not the mother we knew growing up. Sometimes we try to amuse her and play along but we feel as if we are living a lie.

So in short, I don't know my mother, or father. They are just people in my life.

[Shaunsmom]

Brief history...mom had three children with dad- two of us in 1978 (no, not twins either) and one in January of 1983. Dad goes to prison (life sentence, no chance of parole) in March of 1983. Fast forward to sometime in 1986, mom goes to visit dad for a conjugal visit...she gets pg with younger sister who was born in 1987. So 4 kids, no husband, and single mom.

Dad- he's been in prison since I was 4 years old. The dad I do remember... he was very mean to me. My older sister was his favorite and made it very obvious. He used to choke me, hit me, and just was plain mean. I didn't like him very much. Wasn't a huge deal to me that he went to prison. Basically meant that I was done being picked on by a grown adult. I still don't have much of any relationship with him. We're in WI. He's in SD and will probably die in prison.

There is a group of law students, I think, that are trying to get him out of prison. See, he didn't actually commit the murder himself. His mom (yes, my grandma) beat up some 82 year old man and he was with her. He didn't beat the man to death but was there. The state offered her a deal to become a state's witness against my dad and she accepted. So grandma sat some time in jail until dad's trial and after the trial, she was free.

Mom- she was a drill sergeant with me and my older sister growing up. I hated my childhood, still do. There aren't many "fond" memories. It was a hard childhood. We were forced to grow up by the age of 6 and 7...then mom wanted us to be children again when she sobered up when we were 8 and 9. We survived is all I can say.

In the mid 90's mom finally divorced dad. Yeah, forgot to mention somewhere after baby sister was born in 1987- the two fools got married.

After she divorced him, things were getting better. She was still a single mom to four children. She had it hard too not just us. Mom got a better job and overall to me, life was getting better. Mom put her kids first before herself. She had many crap jobs just to put food on the table. We didn't have cable TV, computers, internet, game systems. We simply couldn't afford luxuries.

Then in the late 90's mom got remarried to a hokey medicine man. What a joke! They're still married. When mom got remarried, she basically divorced her 4 children. Seriously. Mom accepted his children but kicked hers out of her life if we weren't willing to give her and hubby money or things that they needed.

I just started talking to my mom again this past November, after no relationship with her since about 2002. She had her other hip replaced in November. I was thinking about life in general. I know that she is still my my mom no matter what. I was scared that she may not come out of her surgery and wanted her to see our daughter, who was born the previous August.

My relationship is nowhere what it used to be with mom. We used to be so close. I think that out of my 3 siblings, my personality is the one that most resembles the "old mom". I really miss our old mom. I know that she is not the same with her overbearing dominant husband in the picture. But I am not judging either...she chooses to be married to him.

My step sister (step dad's sickening baby daughter) is allowed to live at home with her 4 children. All 4 children had different daddies. I think the kids are 10, 9, 5, and 1. Step sis doesn't even take care of her own children or contribute anything to their household. But they allow it. Mom doesn't say anything because she doesn't want to cause any trouble for her marriage. She knows that her hubby can and will leave her if she starts making trouble.

DH's parents are both deceased. His dad passed away 10 years ago due to cancer. His mom passed away 5 years ago. They were married for what seemed like forever. They had 10 children and made their family their life. I admired that about the in-laws sometimes. The in-laws can be too overbearing most times though. We choose not to be overinvolved with certain family members.

Thanks for reading.

[StElmosFire]

My biological father stopped talking to me when I was 14.
I have a step father that is not real loving and nurturing. He's really quite crabby. I am not sure why.

My mom is like my best friend. We have been through so much together. She had me when she was 18. She is my everything. I could not imagine life without her.

[SueDid]

My dad is an alcoholic. My mom is loony but she's not bad. My step mom is a bitch. My step mil is materialistic and has to keep up with the Jones'. My fil is a "Bible pusher". My step fil is a child abuser. My mil is a woman who cheated on her husband, married the guy and stayed with him even after he beat her kids.

Your not alone. Everyone has a messed up family. Some families are just better at hiding the damage.

Am I the only one who disagrees with this? It hurts my heart, hotlama, that your experience has made this statement your reality. While I don't think any family is perfect by any stretch of the imagination, not every family is damaged.

I wish my parents (and inlaws) were more involved but they all live 2000 miles away. They love us, make sure we know it and we immensely enjoy the time together when we have it.

Looking back, what I wish is that I felt more able to need them. I didn't want to be a burden so did many things on my own that I know now they (again, both parents and inlaws) would have been more than happy to help me through.

I think I learned from their mistakes, I also learned a lot of good from them about marriage and parenting. I hope the same for my own kids, that they are able to learn from our mistakes but that we have shown them a lot of good to draw on, too.

[alejorge]

When my mom told my dad that she was pregnant he looked at her and said that he would pay for the abortion. She obviously didn't get the abortion so he left her. After she had me he had absolutely nothing to do with me. When I was 13 yrs old he finaly called me and wanted to spend time with me. By the time a few months passed he wasn't in my life anymore. I haven't seen my dad in over 10 years and I haven't talked to him in about 1 and 1/2 years. My oldest son was born on his b-day and he still won't talk to us. I guess to say he is an ass and a bum for a dad.

My mom raised me. She was a single mom most of my life and she did a very good job. SDhe has always been really fun and outgoing. She loves to be outside and can't stand to sit still. Recently her health has caught up with her and now she is permanently disabled and can't do all the fun stuff she used to. She is very depressed because of this and her feelings get hurt really quickly and easily. My mom is the greatest person in the world. I love her with all my heart and she is my best friend.

[2much2luv]

My parents practically disowned me when I left their religion at age 20. They have never traveled to visit me (not for my wedding or the births of my children) while I've traveled to visit them a few times. It's been 5 and a half years and I won't go see them again. If they want to see their grandkids they'll have to make an effort and come see us I think.

[Sassafras]

I had awesome parents. They were married 3 months short of their 50th wedding anniversary.
My mom passed away about 10 years ago now.
My dad re-married and my step mom is a wonderful person also.

[Crabbie]

My mother left my father when I was 6 months old. She abused the crap out of us growing up. I now know that her abusing us was par for the course since she has an untreated mental illness and was severely abused as a child. I was sexually assaulted from the time I was 5 to the time I was 13 by an 'uncle' , there was also another man named Bruce who molested me. Bruce molested me first and when I told my mom what happened I was called a liar so I didn't tell her about Lee until I was 13. My grandfather (mom's dad) tried to molest me as well but I was smarter than and stopped him.

I moved out of my moms house at 14.

I found my fathers parents and visited with them a bit and got to know about my dad. He died when I was 13. The state offered to pay for me to go see him in the hospital but my mother refused the trip.

After hearing about him from my grands I thought he was a great man. Turns out he had skeletons too. He and his father are/were molesters. His father molested my cousin and my father molested my youngest sister.

This post feels like it is jumping all over the place. re-covering this crap is hard at times.

[Babyblue]

my mother is slowly but surely nagging and bitching my father to death, my mother has not been a pleasent or normal person from shortly after my younger sisters birth in 87. I have a lifetime of issues to work out because of the crap my mother put me threw.

my dad drinks to be able to deal with my mother, but never around his children or grandchild. he is an excellent loving grandparent.

my mil and fil barely speak to each other. I dont know what the major issues with their marriage is, but she is unwilling to work it out and fil is sick of trying and getting rejected.

fil is uber religious and slightly annoying sometimes, but I can tollerate him even when I dont agree with him.

mil hates my guts and most likely wishes me dead, the women has hated me sence dh and I got engaged and has done nothing but try and make my life mserable and break dh and I up.

[Pamire]

I have got great parents. Dad is 71 and Mom is 69. They got married after dating for 3 months. They will be married 50 years in Feb. 2009. They love each other very much and are still very affectionate to each other. They do not meddle in their children's lives unless asked. Even then, if the advice could be controversial, they practically have to have it dragged out of them.

Now, my in-laws, though, have got problems. Mil holds grudges from 20 years ago against fil. She is also sick, but refuses to try and overcome it. She likes for people to feel sorry for her. She also has abused pain medication for years. She got ahold of morphine a few months after dh and I moved from TN to WA and almost killed herself. She tried to tell us that it was our fault for moving away and putting her into a deep depression. Actually, she still tells me that almost every time I talk to her!

Fil is a good man who has raised her three children as his own. He has treated them so much like his own, that sometimes I think they forget they are a different race than he is! He also has his problems (drinks too much, holds in his feelings too much, etc.).

[Sashahomeschoolmama]

My mom and I are close (I'm at her house right now, even).

If my father died I would know only if I happened to see the obituary in the newspaper or a mutual person saw the obit and told me.

[AuLait]

My parents are celebrating their 35 wedding anniversary this year but they are about as different as two people can be in temperament, religion, politics and outlook on life. When they were younger they were often able to find common ground through us and get along, but as they are aging its getting harder and harder for them to be around each other. My Mom even uttered the word, "separation" to my Dad which is something that knocked my socks off. My Mom and Dad both feel very strongly about making a marriage work in all cases (except abuse or infidelity), so the fact that my Mom would even say that shows how their relationship is struggling right now.

They gave us a very stable, secure and loving home life but time is showing that perhaps their marriage was sustained in part by being distracted by children. Now that everyone is growing up (only my 15 yo sister at home now) they're having to deal more and more with each other.

All that said though, I doubt, I really really doubt, that they would ever separate or divorce. They simply feel too strongly about the commitment they've made to each other to break it off short of a major issue like infidelity or abuse.

[JenniferH]

Your not alone. Everyone has a messed up family. Some families are just better at hiding the damage.
With all due respect to how hurt you have been by your family and especially the parents who should have loved you unconditionally and cared for you better, this statement is simply not true. I have met many people from screwed up families who have similar sentiments and I think it is because it makes them feel better and less alone. Again, it simply is NOT true. Many of us come from wonderful families and have very good relationships with our parents even as adults.

In my work with hundreds of families over the years the truly dysfunctional ones stand out because they are not the norm. Some have hurdles, some are totally whacked out, but the majority are loving and caring and functioning well. It is not impossible to have a healthy family.

I'm sorry this is your reality, but please make strides to change this world view. How can you raise a healthy family if your own statement makes you view that as an impossibility? You CAN have a healthy family, healthy children and a healthy adult relationship with them one day even if your family of origin was a totally dysfunctional one.

:hug:

[Mocosita]

My parents divorced after almost 30 years of marriage (we were all grown up but it still messed us up a bit) When my father divorced my mom, I guess he felt he divorced us too and has not been in contact with us in over 7 years. My brothers and I have tried to reach out to him (he lives in the same city as my brothers) and he just flat out refuses to speak to us. Even when his grandchildren ask to see him. I hope that one day (in the near future) he comes to his senses and decides to connect with us again... especially for the grandchildren (but unfortunately he's too stubborn and selfish)

My mother is my best friend, she does drive me nuts at times but whose friends don't from time to time. She's been a wonderful mother and even better friend and despite her living across the ocean- I talk to her everyday.

My MIL passed away almost two years ago; she was the best mil I could have asked for. She's dearly missed everyday. My FIL is a great person; a bit stubborn and sometimes annoying but I think that's his old age (he's 72)

[Rieckah]

My mom totally adopted the wrong kid. She and I could not get along less or be less alike. I cannot imagince clashing more with someone that I do with her. I recently cut ties with her because of her blatant disregard and disrespect for me and my family. My step dad is an abusive asshole bigot. If he were on fire I *might* piss on him to put him out.

My dad and I are totally close. He is awesome and once I got past the poisoned lies that my mom had fed me about him I discovered that I had a super awesome Daddy. There is nothing in this world that I wouldn't do for him and the same is true of him for me. I wish that he would sober up, but even as an alcoholic I wouldn't trade him for the world.My step mom is freaking fabulous. She makes up for all that my mother is not.

[Wolverine]

[QUOTE=nelsonwife;467496]Whoa, I could almost post the exact same post as you, wolverine. Of course, slight differences between us.

/QUOTE]

I'm so sorry about your dad, nelsonwife. Our stories do sound similar except I haven't spoken to my bio mom in decades. I have 3 bio sisters... two of them idealize out childhood... they say we turned out fine so apparently there were no real problems. My youngest sister I am close to and I can really talk to her about what things were like. The rest of my family I keep at a distance.

I'm unsure how I will explain all the drama to my children when they are older. Dh and I are as undramatic as they come. But, moth of our fmaily of origins are totally fucked up.