Dealing with acting out in 4 yo-if you've btdt,please come in

[Tweet]

I'll start by saying that my son C(4 years old) has some physical delays. He's never been said to have any delays emotionally or cognitively.

Ok, we've been struggling to help him for well over a year now with some acting out. Any time he gets hurt , he will look for whoever and whatever is by him and act out by hitting,kicking, throwing at, etc. It seems to have actually gotten worse over the year instead of better.

Now, he *is* good about expressing himself with"I'm angry!" or whatever emotion he's feeling. We'll then say something like, "Ok! You do sound angry and upset that you dropped the chair on your foot..what can we do to help you feel better?" And sometimes that works and lots of times it doesn't. He just really has the tendency to act out with hurting if he's hurt. The latest incident scared me, actually. He ended up throwing something very large at his older sister and hurting her. He felt badly afterward, but it really shook me up.

I have spoken with his teacher(special needs teacher who is also a children's behavior specialist) and none of this *ever* goes on at school. So, it's a strictly at home thing and from what she says, can be normal. Obviously , she says, the thing to do is get him a physical outlet right when something else as well helping him to identify the feeling. That's great except I can't always be there or get over to him that quickly before he acts out.

So, I'm frustrated. Any btdts? Advice?

[Tweet]

24 views and no comments? Wow. That isn't very reassuring.

[cc1003]

Hey Tweet, I don't have anything for you but I wanted to offer my support. I'm going to think about it though and see if I can come up with anything.

This may be silly and ridiculous but off the top of my head...what if you got one of those inflatable punching bag/clown things that pop back up after you punch them and he knew that he could ONLY punch that. So when he was injured he went straight to that to punch?

[Tweet]

That actually isn't a bad idea..I had totally forgotten all about those inflatable things.

[cream_city]

I certainly don't feel like I should be giving any parenting advice this week! But we have dealt with this somewhat -- different triggers it sounds like and more throwing rather than hitting.

What sort of consequences does he get for hitting? Are they consistent between school and home?

At 4 years old, I think a time out would be appropriate. If he couldn't gain enough control to sit in time out, I would have him go to his room.

Sometimes a simple, immediate action is clearer when they're upset than talking it through. We usually talk about it after the time out, when Simon has calmed down.

I know at Simon's school they don't do time outs at all, and that's where his behavior problems are. But I know too that some parents are very opposed to time outs.

Hope that helps... I think we've all btdt.

[Tweet]

CC, he hasn't done this type of thing at school.I'm guessing he saves it allllllll for us here. For the most part his consequences are consistent but I'm getting the feeling this is getting to be about actually nipping it in the bud in between the time he gets hurt and tries to lash out. That part is proving to be hard.

[Earthmama]

I was also thinking the punching toy sounded like a good idea.

And something small, but maybe it will be helpful, one of my counselors objected to the use of the word "upset" because it's too vague. She recommended sticking to things like "sad", "angry" and the like.

I wish you peace and calm soon.

[Leigh-Anne]

Punching toys aren't really recommended for kids as anger control methods, studies show they increase violence. If you want a physical outlet maybe a trampoline or get him kicking a soccer ball or something.

You might look for some books for kids about anger. Talk to him about the signs of getting angry (fast hearbeat, etc) and get him to start thinking about these to identify his anger before it gets out of hand.

[cream_city]

Punching toys aren't really recommended for kids as anger control methods, studies show they increase violence. If you want a physical outlet maybe a trampoline or get him kicking a soccer ball or something.

You might look for some books for kids about anger. Talk to him about the signs of getting angry (fast hearbeat, etc) and get him to start thinking about these to identify his anger before it gets out of hand.

I thought I had heard this too, but wasn't sure.

[Earthmama]

good to know, thanks, LA

[JustMoi]

Sounds to me like it happens at home because he knows he can get away with it. If he's not doing it at school at all, there's definitely a reason why.

I think in that situation I'd go for a time out or some kind of quiet time immediately so he can learn to calm himself down. If he gets upset and starts hitting or kicking or whatever, I'd restrain him until he calms down and then explain to him that he is NOT allowed to hit/kick or whatever... and that if he does, he will be stopped immediately from doing it.

[Camille]

dd1's therapist had me save junkmail and allow her to rip it when she was frustrated.

nak

[Tweet]

Well, her certainly doesn't "get away with it" at home. ha. Hardly. In fact, I've worried we've been far too harsh. One reason he may not be doing it at school is because he's not that long enough during the day to actually get hurt. Or, maybe he knows his sisters are not as likely to beat the crap out of him but isn't sure about the other kids. In any event, we as parents haven't ever let him get him get away with it. Trust me, we're not permissive. Not hugely authoritarian, but definitely not permissive. There are huge consequences in this home for hitting/throwing/shoving etc. It's pretty important to both of us that it doesn't occur.

That does make sense, leigh anne, and we do have a mini tramp for sensory issues as well as physical therapy. I start to wonder if it's getting "old hat" for him and not enough physical satisfaction. I thought last night maybe heading him out to the play structure for the little rock climbing wall. ?it has a rope and is good for that long muscle stretching. At school they use the tramp or go outside and use the play structure..and then they talk after the anger thing.

We have feelings books, but it'd be great to have one JUST about frustration and anger. Another possibility where DD1 is concerned is I have a sneaky feeling that this last outburst was about taking big sis down a notch because she's been kind of steering dd2 away from ds and they've been ignoring him. So, we had a family meeting about that and addressed it as well as the acting out stuff.

DD2 did that, but she was 3, smaller, and it didn't hurt and didn't last long.

[JustMoi]

Can you get him into a kids tumbling class or karate class? Sometimes a structured physical activity like that helps a lot with kids who have excess energy.

[Tweet]

Can you get him into a kids tumbling class or karate class? Sometimes a structured physical activity like that helps a lot with kids who have excess energy.


I'm not sure we'll be able to afford the karate this year, but there is a tumbling place that I REALLY liked ( the other two around here is competitive gymnastics and it wasn't his thing). The problem there was that for his age group, it was right when he had preschool. And since he gets his therapies at preschool, that was the priority. So, I'm hoping something will have changed and they now have a different time slot since he's a bit older.

[Tiffers]

Deven went through a VERY difficult phase, from 2-5 years old, where he had a horrible temper and lashed out physically at everything and everyone around him. Even with having gone through it myself, I still don't have any magical answers.

Now don't take this the wrong way, I'm not suggesting that your son needs counseling because of this behavior, but since he does have SN, does he a counselor/psychiatrist you can work with on this? Deven was in counseling for most of his toddler years because his behavior was so extreme (again, not saying your son's is) and that was very, very helpful.

Deven's case was a little bit different because his violent fits were usually from him not getting his way. As long as his fits were not hurting himself or others, we were encouraged to ignore them. There were many times, at least in the beginning, when we did have to restrain him, though.

Consistency is probably going to be the biggest factor here. I know you mentioned encouraging him to use his words to express his feelings. Keep doing this. When he gets hurt and lashes out, correct him immediately, tell him to try telling you without his fists or kicking feet what is wrong so that you can help him. You know your son better than anyone, but he may react better to a calm, I'm here to help you kind of tone than a stern, you're going to be in trouble kind of tone.

I'd also suggest talking to him during other times when he's not upset. Take a little time each day to take him aside and talk to him about other ways he can handle the situation when he gets hurt/upset. Explain to him again and again, why it's not okay to react by hitting/kicking, and maybe even practice/roleplay healthier alternatives for him to express his feelings.

And IRT him not doing this at school, in my experience, kids often behave better in other surroundings in general. My kids are angels for other people then come home and reek havoc. But the good thing about knowing that he's not doing this behavior across different settings is that you know that he is very capable of dealing with his feelings without lashing out at others. Now it's just a matter of working with him on it at home.

Bah, I didn't mean to write a book for you. I hope at least something in my ramblings a wee-bit helpful. If nothing else, know that I'm thinking of ya girlie.

[Camille]

ita w/Tiffers on the counseling. dd1 is actually going back soon (we moved, so I will have to find a new one for her). I was surprised by how much therapy helped her.

baby on lap, 1 handed typing sucks

[Tweet]

Thanks, Tiff. I'm glad you wrote a novel, lol.

The counseling might be a possibility in the near future. I'd like to wait for his 6 mo. eval at school to get a lot more input. I'm not sure how extreme his behavior is and if he really needs counseling. I'm definitely ok with it if he needs it, but am also leery of seeing a psychiatrist. A good one that would take their time would be fine..one that jumps the gun and slaps on an incorrect dx wouldn't be. Obviously lol. I'm gun shy because that's happened to me.

So, they'll be 8 people at the eval and then we can proceed from there. And if I don't feel satisfied with that, a trip to the pediatrician could be in order. Or I may schedule with his physiatrist. I adore him and trust him implicitly. His instincts have always been right on with DS (thankfully!) He's also recommended some awesome doctors/therapists to DHand I/

[nicurn]

DS1 had some serious issues with violence when he was younger. When he was about 18 months, he threw a closed pocket knife and hit me just above the eye . When he was 5, he threw a rocks at people when he was angry, including his baby sister. Most recently, he threw his controller at his brother...you get the idea.

Obviously, we haven't been able to make the behavior disappear altogether, but here are the things that work to prevent incidents and wind him down:

1) If we see him winding up, we make him run laps around the spa/laundry area in our apartment complex. He likes to run, and the physical exertion kind of resets him

2) If he's already entered meltdown phase, he is given one verbal warning and then carried to his room and placed on his bed until he's cooled down

3) Once he's cooled down, he has to clean up any messes he made while angry

Our first priority is to remove him from other children when we see him winding up. Once he's in a safe place, I'm actually OK with him destroying his own property. I think that living with the consequences of his anger is helping him to overcome it faster.

ETA: to prevent the oncoming firestorm wrt the knife: we were at mil's and bil's knife fell out of his pocket into the couch, where DS1 found it. Everyone was horrified, and bil learned a valuable lesson about weapons in the presence of children.

[nikkifaith]

You have to post something saucy to get replies, silly. Throw in a question about the Brangelina clan or or ask for help googling lolcats. You'll be a hit.

I have no btdt advice, but I also thought of those boppy clowns as a designated stress release point. I hope things start looking up for you.

[Nipple_nectar]

My DS had alot of issues surrounding the choices he made while angry and I really tried to balance things for him, so he wouldn't feel so restrained all the time. If he is allowed, we used to make up big long words that we both used when we were frustrated and some days, he really screamed them!

I also have a book called "Don't pop your cork on Mondays, it would probably be suitable for him, I would be happy to mail it to you, we no longer need it:) Just PM me your address, if you like.

[Tweet]

NN, I just saw this..p, coming your way! Thanks so much!!!!! And thanks to everyone else, too. This helps. A lot. And lol, Nikki :)