Having children on purpose when you can't afford them....(Hypothetical advice needed)

[babymakes4]

So , lets say that you have a family member, a rather close one, who has just come to you with the news that they have decided to try to have another baby. Here are some facts about said family member.

-Family member is not married, and has had SEVERAL breakups with "girlfriend" in the past year, whom he also has one child with.
-Family member and family (girlfriend and kid) have lived with you 3 times inside 2 years due to evictions for non-payment of rent, and one short stint for 2 weeks when the electric got cut off for non-payment.
-Family member just moved out of your house a month ago, and just got his girlfriend and kid back from another state, where he had to send them because you couldn't have them in your house AGAIN.
-Family member and family have lived in their own apartment for 1 month and already are late on rent, Family member is the only one working because Girlfriend out right refuses to work, and, family member has no car. Because of this you provide much if not all of the trasportation for said family.
-Family member and Girlfriend are KNOWN for going into debt and not paying rent and utilities because they buy things the shouldn't.. Infact you know said family member has just recently bought a very expensive video game system, instead of paying rent.
-Family member also OFTEN asks to borrow money A LOT
-And even though it's judgmental, in your opinion said family member and girlfriend are not good parents, for several reasons. (child is often ignore when in need of medical attention, is taught terrible things a child that young should not know or SAY, child is spanked on a daily basis, doesn't get to go outside very much, and is possibly on the spectrum...etc.)

So, when this family member comes to you and says that they are going try and have another baby, and they ask you what you think, what do you say?
Do you smile and keep your mouth shut, or do you give them a piece of your mind? Keep in mind this is a CLOSE family member whom you have lived with and seen everyday most of your life.....Just hypothetically. Of course.

[Camille]

I think it's their business to have another child and you should stay out of it.

I also think that you shouldn't let them live with you again, especially if you're going to use that as evidence that they don't deserve more kids. Hypothetically, of course. ;)

[babymakes4]

Just a little disclaimer....This family member is not mine. A very good friend of mine has come to me for advice about this situation, and I don't know what to tell her.

[frannie]

If you have the type of relationship with the family member where you can speak freely and not have it held against you, then i think you shoud say something.
It seems that this family member may be a bit irresponsible and may need some guidance.
What are the reasons he wants another child?

[babymakes4]

If you have the type of relationship with the family member where you can speak freely and not have it held against you, then i think you shoud say something.
It seems that this family member may be a bit irresponsible and may need some guidance.
What are the reasons he wants another child?


from what I am hearing he doesn't want another child right now, but girlfriend is pushing for it. And, they don't want their children too far apart in age.

[Justicedog]

If you have the type of relationship with the family member where you can speak freely and not have it held against you, then i think you shoud say something.
It seems that this family member may be a bit irresponsible and may need some guidance.
What are the reasons he wants another child?

I agree with this.

I'd let them know that you're not going to be available to help them - giving them money and/or providing housing when they get kicked out.

If they're neglecting their first child, it'll get worse when they have a second. Someone needs to speak up for the child.


And, heck, they've asked, so tell them.

Where is the child when they break up? It's not wise to have a child with a woman one keeps breaking up with, particularly if the child won't reside with him during a break up. It's just creating another child support payment.

[haleysmom]

I think just because your help is offered, it doesn't make it your business what they do.

I think if you have issues with what they are doing, you should no longer be offering help.

[babymakes4]

I agree with this.

I'd let them know that you're not going to be available to help them - giving them money and/or providing housing when they get kicked out.

If they're neglecting their first child, it'll get worse when they have a second. Someone needs to speak up for the child.


And, heck, they've asked, so tell them.

Where is the child when they break up? It's not wise to have a child with a woman one keeps breaking up with, particularly if the child won't reside with him during a break up. It's just creating another child support payment.


Child ALWAYS goes with mom, even though dad is the better parent.

[Teresa64]

I acually have said stuff like that to a certain family member of mine. Unfortuntely while they hear my advice and seem to agree....they still do what they want.

[frannie]

Seems like he might be looking for some back up as to why he should not have another child. Girlfriend may think another baby will make there relaitonship stronger, give him a reason to stay. He need to be reminded that if they have another and it doesnt work out he will be resposible for two children (child support = no more games)

[Joyto5]

(Having been in that situation before and still in it, I say, run away!)

He is asking advice. Only that. Advice! He doesn't have to take it. He's not asking for help. Only wants to know what you think. That advice can then be thrown to the wind. Before any more emotional distress is invested in this situation, (Not to mention financial stress) they need to remove themselves.

It's hard when children are involved and you see nothing but hurt and heartache for them, but it's not their place to step in and try to live their life for them.

Knowing the history, I would tell them I will love them from afar, but am removing myself from the situation so I can focus on my responsibilities.

(Which reminds me. Time to call Mom and see if my said "Family member" has moved out of her home yet!)

[Tiffers]

I don't think it's your business to say anything unless they ask for your opinion or come to you for advice.

[QuiltyConscience]

So , lets say that you have a family member, a rather close one, who has just come to you with the news that they have decided to try to have another baby. Here are some facts about said family member.

-Family member is not married, and has had SEVERAL breakups with "girlfriend" in the past year, whom he also has one child with.
-Family member and family (girlfriend and kid) have lived with you 3 times inside 2 years due to evictions for non-payment of rent, and one short stint for 2 weeks when the electric got cut off for non-payment.
-Family member just moved out of your house a month ago, and just got his girlfriend and kid back from another state, where he had to send them because you couldn't have them in your house AGAIN.
-Family member and family have lived in their own apartment for 1 month and already are late on rent, Family member is the only one working because Girlfriend out right refuses to work, and, family member has no car. Because of this you provide much if not all of the trasportation for said family.
-Family member and Girlfriend are KNOWN for going into debt and not paying rent and utilities because they buy things the shouldn't.. Infact you know said family member has just recently bought a very expensive video game system, instead of paying rent.
-Family member also OFTEN asks to borrow money A LOT
-And even though it's judgmental, in your opinion said family member and girlfriend are not good parents, for several reasons. (child is often ignore when in need of medical attention, is taught terrible things a child that young should not know or SAY, child is spanked on a daily basis, doesn't get to go outside very much, and is possibly on the spectrum...etc.)

So, when this family member comes to you and says that they are going try and have another baby, and they ask you what you think, what do you say?
Do you smile and keep your mouth shut, or do you give them a piece of your mind? Keep in mind this is a CLOSE family member whom you have lived with and seen everyday most of your life.....Just hypothetically. Of course.




Since this family member has asked, then you can certainly give them your opinion.

I have to wonder why one would continue to support a family member, let them live in the house with them, loan money and do nothing about the neglect of the child.

Supporting a family member doesn't have to mean handing them money. It can also mean refusing to give them money, and directing them towards gainful employment, and stepping in to make the sure that child is taken care of, and not neglected.

[pawprint]

I'd have to say something, but I'm a bitch like that.

[TuetonicWillow]

Anyone that routinely hit me up for money, rides, help and a place to crash would be told exactly what I think of TTC in that situation. If they're close enough to beg from me, they're close enough to get my true two cents

And I'd never again give them money or transportation or a place to squat. I'm mean that way. If you can't at least attempt to help yourself, don't cry to me about it all the time.

[Camille]

Since this family member has asked, then you can certainly give them your opinion.

I have to wonder why one would continue to support a family member, let them live in the house with them, loan money and do nothing about the neglect of the child.

Supporting a family member doesn't have to mean handing them money. It can also mean refusing to give them money, and directing them towards gainful employment, and stepping in to make the sure that child is taken care of, and not neglected.


Simply mentioning TTC is not asking for an opinion.

[Justicedog]

Simply mentioning TTC is not asking for an opinion.


This is what I read on the original op:

So, when this family member comes to you and says that they are going try and have another baby, and they ask you what you think, what do you say?

It made me think that they didn't simply mention TTC, they actually asked what you think.

Further, I'm ok with with saying what I think when it's standing up for the child who is being neglected and for the child yet to be conceived who, will likely be neglected as well.

[HammBugga]

I would tell them the truth. I am not one to mince words though.

[SingingMom]

Ummm. Your friend with the hypothetical situation is going to have to decide how HE feels about the situation. There's a difference between helping a family member who's going through a rough patch and enabling a dysfunctional situation.

However, if I saw a kid being ignored when needing medical attention, I'd consider calling CPS. That's neglect. I assume that the kid actually needed medical attention and we're not talking about a scrape here.

[babymakes4]

Ummm. Your friend with the hypothetical situation is going to have to decide how HE feels about the situation. There's a difference between helping a family member who's going through a rough patch and enabling a dysfunctional situation.

However, if I saw a kid being ignored when needing medical attention, I'd consider calling CPS. That's neglect. I assume that the kid actually needed medical attention and we're not talking about a scrape here.


no, I heard through the grape vine that when things arise that need a doctors attention they will wait a long time before taking the baby to the doctor, and then they only use the ER beause they don't have insurance. These people are actually close family friends of mine as I grew up with my friend I am talking about and the guy is my friends brother, so we know each other well.

I have been asked for rides and money too, but I always decline on the money thing, and I only agree to transportation in an emergency usually. I did provide them a ride myself to the ER one time when they called and told me they needed to go and they couldn't get a hold of my friend. The information I had on the way there was that the child had been peeing blood for 4 days, turns out the baby had a UTI. Poor thing. He was visibly miserable and they had clearly waited too long. (it is my understanding that this is not the first time something like that had happened.)

Personally I am trying to stay out of it, I don't want to be dragged into the middle. I have my own problems. Im just wondering how someone with no medical insurance can plan to have a baby.

[QuiltyConscience]

Okay either:
And even though it's judgmental, in your opinion said family member and girlfriend are not good parents, for several reasons. (child is often ignore when in need of medical attention, is taught terrible things a child that young should not know or SAY, child is spanked on a daily basis, doesn't get to go outside very much, and is possibly on the spectrum...etc.)



no, I heard through the grape vine that when things arise that need a doctors attention they will wait a long time before taking the baby to the doctor, and then they only use the ER beause they don't have insurance. These people are actually close family friends of mine as I grew up with my friend I am talking about and the guy is my friends brother, so we know each other well.

I have been asked for rides and money too, but I always decline on the money thing, and I only agree to transportation in an emergency usually. I did provide them a ride myself to the ER one time when they called and told me they needed to go and they couldn't get a hold of my friend. The information I had on the way there was that the child had been peeing blood for 4 days, turns out the baby had a UTI. Poor thing. He was visibly miserable and they had clearly waited too long. (it is my understanding that this is not the first time something like that had happened.)

Personally I am trying to stay out of it, I don't want to be dragged into the middle. I have my own problems. Im just wondering how someone with no medical insurance can plan to have a baby.


If the child in the picture is in trouble and being abused, that really should be more of a worry than whether ot not these folks plan to have a baby without insurance.

You can actually do something about the child's situation, if he is in danger and being neglected.

You cannot do anything about the parents planning another baby without insurance.

Efforts should be focused on the things one may be able to do something about.

[HammBugga]

I think you are really in no place to judge. Unless of course their current child is being abused and neglected and you are doing nothing about it. Then maybe it is time to step in.

[frannie]

Some advice should be given to this guy. He might not take it, but at least he will hear it. This situation seems very dangerous as it is with one child, having another will not make it any better. Your friend should point out some negative senariors to him. And also she should make it very clear shes not in support of another child (finacially or other wise)
Good luck to your friend
By the way since this is her brother, then i think it is very much her business

[HammBugga]

It isn't her brother.

[JudyJudyJudy]

I'd have to say something, but I'm a bitch like that.


Anyone that routinely hit me up for money, rides, help and a place to crash would be told exactly what I think of TTC in that situation. If they're close enough to beg from me, they're close enough to get my true two cents



I agree with these statements. I also agree with Quilty that if the child is being neglected, someone needs to step in.

[JudyJudyJudy]

It isn't her brother.
It is the brother of the person in the situation (the one for whom bm4 is asking advice).

[Tufftitty]

I think I would ask a lot of questions to try to get them to make the best decision for them. Of course, I would also make it clear that I was done enabling them. No more loans, no more free lodging, no more anything of a financial nature. As long as they have someone there to pay for the mistakes they've made, they will most likely never stop and take responsibility for their own life.

[chinapiggy]

If they asked my opinion I would give it. I would remind them how hard it is to raise a child. Remind them of the benefit of waiting until they are more stable. Remind them of school costs and future things they may not be thiking of. Remind them of how much a child needs, love, respect, medical attention, etc. I think wanting another child when you know you are struggling and not taking great care of your first one is selfish. How is that child going to feel when he is cold, hungry, and without medical attentionbecause you cannot afford it or choose to spend your money on something else?

If they never asked, I might keep my opinion to myself but I would stop helping them. Acually,I would have stopped helping after the firs time. My keyboard is not working right. cannot figure out what is wrong or how to fix so sorry for typos.

[JulieBaby]

I'd give them a piece of my mind (but then again im not one to keep my mouth shut and ive been through a bit of what you are describing).

My XBF (boyfriend) has a little girl with this woman he has been with for about 2 years. Said woman and I frequently speak and she has come to me a few times telling me she thinks she is pregnant or wants another baby so she can have her tubes tied.

The first few times I limited myself to telling her ýou're crazy'. But this last time I outright told her she was going to end up alone, with 2 kids. (They break up every few months) I told her that if he wasnt being a good father to their little girl what made her think he would suddenly turn into an ideal dad with 2 kids? I also told her she could end up with twins (that shut her up!lol)

They rarely listen but at least I can get that off my chest.

[Drama]

Id mind my business since Im not perfect.