MrsKitty
09-14-2008, 04:51 AM
So I know this is a complicated and slightly drama filled situation, but go easy on me. I really value the advice here and would prefer to have it low on snark but I know I know..I am posting on the debate board. It is a bit long but this saga has spanned over several months.
Anywhos the story thus far..
I semi regularly go to events in the kinky community. This community is supposed to be based on respect and consideration and consent. I am friendly and respectful and everything was hunky dory.
Then I met someone who I thought I recognized. I mentioned him to my husband and showed him his picture online. Husband says that he is a crazy freak he knew in high school and to stay clear. My hubby tends to make snap judgments and is very critical of about 98% of the population. I thank him for his opinion and tell him I will see how it goes myself.
So I start talking to this guy online and he seems a little weird, but good. We start discussing starting a kinky parent support group to discuss and arrange safe child care so that parents (especially single moms) can get out once and a while. So far so good.
Then when we are talking he says some things that I find really odd, like that he hasn't been with a girl in a long time and that he wants to just take what he wants (in not so polite terms). I am alarmed and show my husband the conversation and ask what to do, since he has known this fellow for years.
He tells me not to be concerned, that this guy is all talk, and says stuff like this all the time to make himself look "cool", and that he used to say stuff like this all the time. Okay then...I certainly don't think this makes him look cool but I understand that people say stupid things because it gives them a "look". I am now very wary of him and stop talking to him for the most part, but I am not thinking he will actually do anything.
Fast forward a bit. I am out with a girl friend at the club that we both attend. He buys her drinks all night. I start with her, and tell her that she should not be accepting drinks from him and that I think it is a bad idea. She is now drunk and telling me "Well I am not going home with him he can buy me all the drinks I want."
So I go to him. I tell him several times throughout the night that he needs to stop buying her drinks, that she has no intentions of going home with him, and that what he is doing is inapropriate. He gives me a very offended look and says that he is not buying her drinks to get her in bed with him, he just wants to buy her drinks. I insist that he stops, and he tells me he means nothing by it.
Okay so they are both adults. Neither are listening to me, it is not my responsibility to make choices for them. So I let it go.
Later that night I am leaving with my friend. The club is a fetishy type club, with a dress code, and I have a thick metal chain around my neck. As I am walking by to the front door he grabs the end of the chain while I am walking and yanks me as hard as he can over to him. I am startled and not really sure what is going on at first. Then he starts yanking the chain up and down, but keeping me low and bent over, telling me that I am ruining his night, and that I need to go to my friend NOW and tell her that she is to go home with him, and that she is not allowed to go home with me. I am panicking and manage to get him off me after he has jerked me around by the neck a few times.
So the intelligent thing would have been to get a bouncer or the club owner asap. Instead I grabbed my stuff and ran out the door in a hurry. The next day I had bruises all over my neck. I wasn't sure what to do. I felt scared, I didn't know who I was supposed to tell about this, and I felt that no one would do anything. It was his word against mine, and he seems to be friends with/know everyone in the kink community. Why would someone beleive me over him? My husband wanted to get a group of people together and do some not amazing things to him, and I firmly said no, that violence does not solve violence, and that I wanted to solve my own problems. I was worried about what that had the potential to turn into, and I don't think that sending someone to go beat someone else up is ever appropriate.
So (I now realize this was a mistake) I somewhat let it go and started avoiding him. Which is difficult, because we go to all the same events, know many of the same people, and run into each other constantly. So I sent him a message online saying we had to talk.
I was expecting him to say he didn't remember or that he was very drunk or come up with some excuse. Instead by the end of the conversation I was left with the message "I am sorry you took it that way, but you were being bouncy and happy and it pissed me off so I dealt with you". I told him never to contact me again, and to never speak to me at events.
So he dosen't. Instead he comes up and speaks to people sitting beside me until I feel uncomfortable and walk away. I feel panicky around him. I have told all my close friends what happened, and he is no longer welcome at a few events that are run by friends. We also alternate nights for a diffrent social event, we talk through the organizer so that neither of us appear on the same night. He knows not to talk to me at the club, and has not approached me to talk. From spreading the story I have found alot of people find him scary/intimidating/predatory. But no one EVER stands up to him, they are all polite and talk and act friendly. He is a really big (tall and wide) guy, with a very loud and intimidating presence, and is "connected". I think people are worried they will somehow loose status or something. I don't understand it. This guy is a predator, he is violent, and if everyone admitted that and refused to welcome him then he would just go away.
So my biggest problem has been, that some people are good friends with him, and these people have apparently heard a very diffrent side of the story. It bothers me that people think I am making it up or exagerating (I don't really know what he has said, I don't know his "side" of the story) but in the end, those people don't matter anyways to me. So I was letting that go as well.
Tonight I was approached by someone who I have not told my side of the story too, but is someone who I trust and consider good people. She said she was acting as laison between the two of us.
Apparently he wishes to speak to me and apologize for his assholish behavior. I was rather taken back and said that it might possibly happen, but certainly not tonight, and that the last "apology" he gave me did not go over so well, and I wasn't sure what he was hoping to accomplish by it.
So here is my problem. I don't know what to do at all. I feel that if I never go to events that I want to go to because I am scared of him, I am allowing him control over me. I feel that you can't apologize for assault. This wasn't drunken assholery, this was him using his size and strength to intimidate and harm someone smaller and weaker. My husband thinks I should refuse to speak to him. I am wondering what to do. I sort of want to hear him speak, but I don't feel comfortable around him, nor would I forgive him. I am considering telling him that he can only speak to me if he is willing to do so with my husband present. I don't know if this will make things better or worse. I have no experince with something like this, and I feel very conflicted. I guess I am hoping for some sort of resolution and cloesure, but I don't know why I think this will bring a resolution. Nothing he says will make me feel safe or happy to be near him, and nothing he says will make me beleive he is not a predator.
Anywhos the story thus far..
I semi regularly go to events in the kinky community. This community is supposed to be based on respect and consideration and consent. I am friendly and respectful and everything was hunky dory.
Then I met someone who I thought I recognized. I mentioned him to my husband and showed him his picture online. Husband says that he is a crazy freak he knew in high school and to stay clear. My hubby tends to make snap judgments and is very critical of about 98% of the population. I thank him for his opinion and tell him I will see how it goes myself.
So I start talking to this guy online and he seems a little weird, but good. We start discussing starting a kinky parent support group to discuss and arrange safe child care so that parents (especially single moms) can get out once and a while. So far so good.
Then when we are talking he says some things that I find really odd, like that he hasn't been with a girl in a long time and that he wants to just take what he wants (in not so polite terms). I am alarmed and show my husband the conversation and ask what to do, since he has known this fellow for years.
He tells me not to be concerned, that this guy is all talk, and says stuff like this all the time to make himself look "cool", and that he used to say stuff like this all the time. Okay then...I certainly don't think this makes him look cool but I understand that people say stupid things because it gives them a "look". I am now very wary of him and stop talking to him for the most part, but I am not thinking he will actually do anything.
Fast forward a bit. I am out with a girl friend at the club that we both attend. He buys her drinks all night. I start with her, and tell her that she should not be accepting drinks from him and that I think it is a bad idea. She is now drunk and telling me "Well I am not going home with him he can buy me all the drinks I want."
So I go to him. I tell him several times throughout the night that he needs to stop buying her drinks, that she has no intentions of going home with him, and that what he is doing is inapropriate. He gives me a very offended look and says that he is not buying her drinks to get her in bed with him, he just wants to buy her drinks. I insist that he stops, and he tells me he means nothing by it.
Okay so they are both adults. Neither are listening to me, it is not my responsibility to make choices for them. So I let it go.
Later that night I am leaving with my friend. The club is a fetishy type club, with a dress code, and I have a thick metal chain around my neck. As I am walking by to the front door he grabs the end of the chain while I am walking and yanks me as hard as he can over to him. I am startled and not really sure what is going on at first. Then he starts yanking the chain up and down, but keeping me low and bent over, telling me that I am ruining his night, and that I need to go to my friend NOW and tell her that she is to go home with him, and that she is not allowed to go home with me. I am panicking and manage to get him off me after he has jerked me around by the neck a few times.
So the intelligent thing would have been to get a bouncer or the club owner asap. Instead I grabbed my stuff and ran out the door in a hurry. The next day I had bruises all over my neck. I wasn't sure what to do. I felt scared, I didn't know who I was supposed to tell about this, and I felt that no one would do anything. It was his word against mine, and he seems to be friends with/know everyone in the kink community. Why would someone beleive me over him? My husband wanted to get a group of people together and do some not amazing things to him, and I firmly said no, that violence does not solve violence, and that I wanted to solve my own problems. I was worried about what that had the potential to turn into, and I don't think that sending someone to go beat someone else up is ever appropriate.
So (I now realize this was a mistake) I somewhat let it go and started avoiding him. Which is difficult, because we go to all the same events, know many of the same people, and run into each other constantly. So I sent him a message online saying we had to talk.
I was expecting him to say he didn't remember or that he was very drunk or come up with some excuse. Instead by the end of the conversation I was left with the message "I am sorry you took it that way, but you were being bouncy and happy and it pissed me off so I dealt with you". I told him never to contact me again, and to never speak to me at events.
So he dosen't. Instead he comes up and speaks to people sitting beside me until I feel uncomfortable and walk away. I feel panicky around him. I have told all my close friends what happened, and he is no longer welcome at a few events that are run by friends. We also alternate nights for a diffrent social event, we talk through the organizer so that neither of us appear on the same night. He knows not to talk to me at the club, and has not approached me to talk. From spreading the story I have found alot of people find him scary/intimidating/predatory. But no one EVER stands up to him, they are all polite and talk and act friendly. He is a really big (tall and wide) guy, with a very loud and intimidating presence, and is "connected". I think people are worried they will somehow loose status or something. I don't understand it. This guy is a predator, he is violent, and if everyone admitted that and refused to welcome him then he would just go away.
So my biggest problem has been, that some people are good friends with him, and these people have apparently heard a very diffrent side of the story. It bothers me that people think I am making it up or exagerating (I don't really know what he has said, I don't know his "side" of the story) but in the end, those people don't matter anyways to me. So I was letting that go as well.
Tonight I was approached by someone who I have not told my side of the story too, but is someone who I trust and consider good people. She said she was acting as laison between the two of us.
Apparently he wishes to speak to me and apologize for his assholish behavior. I was rather taken back and said that it might possibly happen, but certainly not tonight, and that the last "apology" he gave me did not go over so well, and I wasn't sure what he was hoping to accomplish by it.
So here is my problem. I don't know what to do at all. I feel that if I never go to events that I want to go to because I am scared of him, I am allowing him control over me. I feel that you can't apologize for assault. This wasn't drunken assholery, this was him using his size and strength to intimidate and harm someone smaller and weaker. My husband thinks I should refuse to speak to him. I am wondering what to do. I sort of want to hear him speak, but I don't feel comfortable around him, nor would I forgive him. I am considering telling him that he can only speak to me if he is willing to do so with my husband present. I don't know if this will make things better or worse. I have no experince with something like this, and I feel very conflicted. I guess I am hoping for some sort of resolution and cloesure, but I don't know why I think this will bring a resolution. Nothing he says will make me feel safe or happy to be near him, and nothing he says will make me beleive he is not a predator.