Do you let your baby cry it out?

[Nicholasmommy]

Ok, so I have a very stubborn little 13 month old little man. For a long time I would nurse him to sleep for both nap and night time. I would then put him in his crib no problem. The last few months he has been refusing and screaming his head off the minute I put him in his crib. I finally drew a hard line when it came to night time and made him stay in there. After a few nights I was able to nurse him, give him kisses, and put in in his crib and he now will go to sleep no problem. The problem is nap time.... I nurse him put him in there and he screams his head off for maybe twenty minutes and instead of going to sleep he just sits there and crys out once and a while. Last time I waited two hours before I went in and got him and he was a wreck the rest of the day b/c he was so tired.

So my question is: Should I wait until he falls asleep and then wakes up to get him? I mean eventually he will give up and take a nap. I am definitly leaning towards that because I think it is short term discomfort for long term gain. The little guy needs a nap, I took him to Chuck E Cheese and he was falling asleep on the way home so I know he is tired. Tired but stubborn!

Any advice from othe breastfeeding mommy's would be great, Thank you~!

[_MrsC_]

I don't think I would leave him to cry by himself for that long a time. I actually faced a similar problem over the weekend. DS refused to nap in his bed and I NEEDED a break. I finally put him in the car and drove and he was asleep in less than 10 minutes.

I don't know what the right answer is, but I don't think crying by himself for hours is the answer.

[ColleenF30]

My daughter can see us when she throws one. Generally I do not do CIO, but on the refusing nap she is at least gonna stay in her bed an hour and rest. She is 2 now. The fighting lasted 2 or 3 days.

[Nicholasmommy]

For most of the time he just sits there by himself. I put him down about 30 minutes ago and he cried for about 10 minutes, sat there for another 10, and then went to sleep. That is major progress from yesterday and I am sure it will get even better tomorrow. I think it is just a power struggle and he wants his mommy to nap with him. But mommy is getting her masters degree so I can't. Sure wish I could! Thank you!

If anyone eles has any other thoughts?

[Nicholasmommy]

My daughter can see us when she throws one. Generally I do not do CIO, but on the refusing nap she is at least gonna stay in her bed an hour and rest. She is 2 now. The fighting lasted 2 or 3 days.


Yesterday was horrible but like in my post before, today was MUCH better so I think I will have him taking a nap with no problems within the next few days.

I hate the CIO method too but nothing eles was working so I had no choice... Tough but I think for the best in the long run.

[sweetkisses]

I hate the CIO method too but nothing Else was working so I had no choice... Tough but I think for the best in the long run.

Well....you always have the choice of letting your baby CIO or not.

I know it can be extremely frustrating when your little one needs to go to sleep and you need them to go to sleep but IMO CIO is just not the answer. I wish I knew what that answer is but I don't. I really don't think anything good can come from CIO.

A frequent poster on here once said that CIO is just a harsh way of teaching your child that when they cry out for you, no one will come so they just quite crying out for you, even if they want to.

I am completely against CIO. I just can't justify letting a baby or child cry until they fall asleep.

[Amy_G_]

Well....you always have the choice of letting your baby CIO or not.

I know it can be extremely frustrating when your little one needs to go to sleep and you need them to go to sleep but IMO CIO is just not the answer. I wish I knew what that answer is but I don't. I really don't think anything good can come from CIO.

A frequent poster on here once said that CIO is just a harsh way of teaching your child that when they cry out for you, no one will come so they just quite crying out for you, even if they want to.

I am completely against CIO. I just can't justify letting a baby or child cry until they fall asleep.

yes, there is always another answer besides CIO.
Even though he's older, it's very emotionally harmful to cry out and not receiving an answer from the person you love the most. CIO sucks, regardless of age.

[Tufftitty]

I refuse to allow DS to CIO. I usually lay down with DS until he falls asleep. I'll read or watch TV while he's relaxing. Once he's asleep I get up. I've also driven him around in the car for a nap, then once he's fallen asleep I've parked, sat in the front seat & read or worked. He needs a nap, I need to get some things done. I try to compromise so that we both get our needs met. I can read or work on a laptop pretty much anywhere.

[Stephanie]

We don't let young children cry alone in our house. They are still learning that you are there when they can't see you.

We have let our 2.5 year old fuss in her room during bedtime, but that has to do with our rule of mommy or daddy is only will only stay in your room if you are laying down. If she wants to play, we leave, and sometimes she gets mad. But 2.5 is a much different age than 13 months. At 13 months, I would not have let her cry herself to sleep at all.

[Brianna]

I would not let a baby or young child CIO. CIO teaches a young baby that you are not reliable; that you will not come when they need you. I doubt your son is trying to engage in a battle of wills. He is still so very young. He simply loves being with you and he misses you. Parenting is a hard job. I try to remember that as a parent, it is my job to make sure my child's needs are met, that he is safe, and that he feels safe. Often times this means I have to put his needs before mine.

Research has shown that CIO has a negative effect on babies. It actually delays there development. Here is an article on CIO. http://www.askdrsears.com/html/10/handout2.asp

[ima062002]

What Brianna said.

[Nicholasmommy]

I would not let a baby or young child CIO. CIO teaches a young baby that you are not reliable; that you will not come when they need you. I doubt your son is trying to engage in a battle of wills. He is still so very young. He simply loves being with you and he misses you. Parenting is a hard job. I try to remember that as a parent, it is my job to make sure my child's needs are met, that he is safe, and that he feels safe. Often times this means I have to put his needs before mine.

Research has shown that CIO has a negative effect on babies. It actually delays there development. Here is an article on CIO. http://www.askdrsears.com/html/10/handout2.asp

Ok so maybe I am being misunderstood here in a sense. First off that article talks about constant crying spells which my son does not have. Obviously if a child was left to cry in their crib for weeks then yes it would be a huge problem and I would NEVER do that. That would mean that there was more of a problem than him not wanting to sleep alone. Crying a little for a day or two is not going to effect his emotional stability in anyway.

I know that parenting is a hard job, it is by far the hardest thing I have ever done. I am a single parent who busted her butt while I was pregnant working two jobs while going to school so I could stay home with him. I spend pretty much every minute of every day and am only away from him about 6 hours a week. I still bust my butt babysitting (with him in tow) and getting my masters (the 6 hours a week is for class.) Him taking naps isn't about my needing a break at all, I get a break at night when he goes to bed. He needs a nap b/c he is a active little guy. I LOVE to spend everyday all day with my little man.

Yesterday was a bad day but today was MUCH better so I strongly suspect tomorrow he will go down without much of a problem. Today he took an hour and a half nap and woke up so happy! I am working on a masters in marriage and family therapy and I email one of my professors and asked him (P.hd.) He said that as long as all of his other needs are meet then it was fine to put him in his crib and let him CIO for a little while and then go in and comfort him and then leave. He said that within 3-4 days a baby will learn how to sleep in its own. I asked my professor if I would be damaging him and he said no, not at all.

So I guess I am just trying to explain my position. The way people reacted as if I was a bad parent and I just put my son in his crib to cry b/c I needed a break which is not true. He needs a nap, refuses to fall asleep at the breast now or let me put him into the crib if he does fall asleep at the breast. Thank you for taking the time to read. Kristina

[Amy_G_]

Your child is giving up less of a fight because he's given up on you coming to get him. Honestly I don't want my young toddler to have that feeling that nobody will come to him when he cries.

what your Phd professor said is true. In 3-4 days he'll learn that you won't come get him and he'll give up and go to sleep on his own. I just don't agree that you've taught him to go to sleep on his own, you've taught him that you won't come when he cries, and a side effect of that is that he'll go to sleep.

Maybe your professor should read up on the damages of CIO, he seems to be kind of old school pyschology in this respect.

I have to say that the generations that have used CIO are the most detached, depressed, emotional basket cases.... similarly to those who fed babies solids at 6 days or 6 weeks just because we didnt' know better.

[colleen0419]

Ok so maybe I am being misunderstood here in a sense. First off that article talks about constant crying spells which my son does not have. Obviously if a child was left to cry in their crib for weeks then yes it would be a huge problem and I would NEVER do that. That would mean that there was more of a problem than him not wanting to sleep alone. Crying a little for a day or two is not going to effect his emotional stability in anyway.

I know that parenting is a hard job, it is by far the hardest thing I have ever done. I am a single parent who busted her butt while I was pregnant working two jobs while going to school so I could stay home with him. I spend pretty much every minute of every day and am only away from him about 6 hours a week. I still bust my butt babysitting (with him in tow) and getting my masters (the 6 hours a week is for class.) Him taking naps isn't about my needing a break at all, I get a break at night when he goes to bed. He needs a nap b/c he is a active little guy. I LOVE to spend everyday all day with my little man.

Yesterday was a bad day but today was MUCH better so I strongly suspect tomorrow he will go down without much of a problem. Today he took an hour and a half nap and woke up so happy! I am working on a masters in marriage and family therapy and I email one of my professors and asked him (P.hd.) He said that as long as all of his other needs are meet then it was fine to put him in his crib and let him CIO for a little while and then go in and comfort him and then leave. He said that within 3-4 days a baby will learn how to sleep in its own. I asked my professor if I would be damaging him and he said no, not at all.

So I guess I am just trying to explain my position. The way people reacted as if I was a bad parent and I just put my son in his crib to cry b/c I needed a break which is not true. He needs a nap, refuses to fall asleep at the breast now or let me put him into the crib if he does fall asleep at the breast. Thank you for taking the time to read. Kristina

I just wanted to say that you are doing what is best for your child, and there is no harm in that. YOU ARE NOT A BAD PARENT!!
You are only human and you need a break, especially with everything you have going on!

[sweetkisses]

No one is saying you are a bad parent but you did ask if anyone lets their child CIO. We are only responding to you question.

I personally don't care if 10 people with their Phd say it is okay to CIO. I disagree. There are many pedi's out there that give bad advice about breastfeeding. Just because they have an MD behind their name does not mean I'm going to do everything they say.

[kellyjoinky]

I don't agree with the CIO method, I don't think it teaches them to go to sleep, it teaches them that no one is coming to help them. Here is what I did with my son, i would rock him for just a few minutes, and then put him in the bed. I would stay right there and comfort him (pat on the back, etc) until he fell asleep. If he sat up or stood up, I would lay him back down. He did cry, but he could see me there and usually didn't cry very long. However the first couple of times, it took some time. Now a couple months later, he will stand up in the crib, i will walk in the room, and he drops straight down. It is actually funny. He knows it is bedtime, and i stand there usually for 10 minutes max and he is asleep. Unless i leave the room, he stays laying down and knows that it is time for bed. This was the best method for me, but you will have to find what method works best for you. Good luck.

[Brianna]

I wasn't implying that you were a bad parent, and I wasn't implying that I know what it feels like to be in your shoes. I can only imagine how hard it is to be in school and have a young toddler.

You asked for opinions on CIO, and I gave mine. I'm very passionate about CIO and gentle discipline. We do have a difference of opinion in the definition of constant / extended crying. To me crying off and on for 15 minutes constitues constant / extended crying.

My son was/is much like your ds in regards to napping. He needs a nap, but he hates to take them. He does not want me to lay him down. When I have things that must get done, I lay down with him and nurse him in bed. Hopefully he falls asleep nursing; if not, I sing and rub his back until he drifts off. After he has been asleep for about 10 minutes (I have to wait that long so that I know he is REALLY asleep), I slide away. I tuck him in with pillows so that he doesn't roll off. I've used this method since he was about 11 months old.

[Shaunsmom]

Well....you always have the choice of letting your baby CIO or not.

I know it can be extremely frustrating when your little one needs to go to sleep and you need them to go to sleep but IMO CIO is just not the answer. I wish I knew what that answer is but I don't. I really don't think anything good can come from CIO.

A frequent poster on here once said that CIO is just a harsh way of teaching your child that when they cry out for you, no one will come so they just quite crying out for you, even if they want to.

I am completely against CIO. I just can't justify letting a baby or child cry until they fall asleep.

I guess, everyone has their own opinion of what CIO really is...I agree with the post above 100%. A few minutes of crying is okay and that isn't CIO to me...but beyond a few minutes, nope. Not happening here.

And to answer the OP, no- we don't let DD CIO. It's not healthy for her or us.

[Amy_G_]

I think this is the part that people are commenting on
"The problem is nap time.... I nurse him put him in there and he screams his head off for maybe twenty minutes and instead of going to sleep he just sits there and crys out once and a while. Last time I waited two hours before I went in and got him and he was a wreck the rest of the day b/c he was so tired."

screaming for 20 minutes is excessive crying regardless of age.
waiting 2 hours to comfort him is ignoring your child for too long.
he was a wreck for the rest of the day because he didn't' get a nap because his mom was trying to teach him a lesson.

All those things come in as being very harsh from most of our gentle parenting persepectives. Regardless of how busy you are or how much other stuff you need to do, you are first and foremost a parent.

we dont' like to teach something that should be relaxing, like going to sleep on your own using anxiety and stress hormones. we feel (and have some research to back up our feelings) that it is an unhealthy choice for our children, and that there is always another option. I would prefer to hear that you used the ferber method of CIO with repeated visits to the room to check on him, than this method of leaving him until he naps regardless of how long it takes.

I would also add that if he was able to go for 2 hours alone in a room with no interaction with you without going to sleep, he wasn't sleepy enough for that nap. Mine at that age dropped to one shorter nap a day. By 21 months my oldest gave up naps completely, he would just go to bed about 6pm and sleep thru the night. My youngest kept napping til 29 months--but that was cause he was still nursing and nursing midday would knock him out. once weaned, he never napped any more. You may need to adjust the timing of naps to hit his sleepier time of the day, rather than the time that used to work for him and you--as they get older their sleep cycle changes.

[Babyblue]

imo there are only a very few instances where cio is aceptable.

1. the care giver is so stressed they are a danger to the infant. they need to put the baby down and get help.

2. you are right in the middle of something you cant stop...other children in bathtub, food is cooking on the stove. both those instances you finish up as quickly as possible and then get the baby.

3. the care giver is so tired and that there is a very real danger of the care giver falling sleep and dropping the baby. this happened to dh and me a few times, we were both so exausted that we were falling asleep rocking or walking ds. we had to put ds down for his own safety, or else one of us would have dropped him.

[ima062002]

*Any* crying longer than it takes for a caretaker to walk over and respond is not good for a baby. It jacks up their heart-rate and they eventually collapse into sleep rather than gently fall asleep.

Crying babies are communicating something, not responding is teaching them that when they call, nobody comes.

[jodyvo]

This is a bad forum to bring up the CIO method. You are doign an amazing job as a single parent and getting your masters degree. You are doing what you think is best for your son and there is nothing wrong with that. Good luck with what you are doing and hopefully it gets better and better.
I am working towards going back to school and it is women like you that help make me feel better about my choice
Good luck

[jodyvo]

My DD sometimes will cry when I put her down for a nap. She is just over tired. The times I get her she doesn't want to be in my arms but rather laying down. I usuall put a time frame like 4-5 minutes and go in rub her back and check on her. 99% of the time she falls asleep.
She is not crying because she needs me but rather she is so over tired she doesn't know what to do with herself and the only cure is sleep

[Psyche]

You know in a support forum, we can be supportive of a mother without supporting a mother's method of parenting. Doing one thing that I consider harmful doesn't make a bad mom or a bad parenting. It makes what I personally consider a bad parenting choice

I don't get the whole head patting of the OP whenever someone posts something in disagreement, especially when it is done in a kind and gentle way. Aren't we adults where we can disagree, even disapprove of a parenting practice, provide evidence and reason for it without taking offense at the disagreement or taking the disagreement personally?

We all have it hard in some way. We will all be at the end of our rope in desperation to get our kids to sleep or nurse or behave or whatever. Ultimately we need to look at not only what works but what has the best possible outcomes.

CIO works. There is no debate in that. However, it also has consequences. Cortisol levels rise in babies who CIO. Research shows that babies left to CIO are statisically more likely to suffer sleep problems later in life.

There are alternatives to CIO. Rocking, patting, and re thinking are expectations are some of them.

Sometimes nap times need to be re-evaluated to earlier or later. Sometimes an over tired baby cannot settle down. Sometimes a baby who is not tired for whatever reason is not ready to nap. Creative parenting comes into play in figuring out what the reason the baby doesn't want to sleep is. There are some babies who need more big muscle play as they get bigger in order to burn off energy. Other babies need a concrete naptime/bed time routine. Others need more work in teaching them to learn to relax.

The primary task of the first two years of an infant is to learn to trust. Babies need the consistency of response, loving and caring attention when they communicate their need, they need a clean diaper when they dirty one, a consistent and loving routine to provide security. All of these things help the infant build trust not only in their caregiver but in the world. CIO does not teach a child to trust IMO or by my observation.

We do not CIO in this household.

[USAFeyez06]

I just had to jump in on this one.

While I personally do not use the CIO method with my daughter, I do think certain responses were a little harsh. I do agree that cortisol levels, heart rate, and breathing all increase with CIO which is not at all good for anyone, however, do I think that your child will be a basketcase later in life from it?... NO.

I don't think that letting a child cry is an appropriate way to teach them to fall asleep on thier own. They are still very needy and do not understand that when you are gone, you are still "there." They need security and reassurance for quite some time.

I do understand your frustrations. I have am 11 month old who will not sleep anywhere except her car seat/carrier due to reflux issues and the fact that she needs to feel coddled and secure, like she is being held. We are working on her sleeping in her crib or pack n play (in a safe place) and it's proven extremely difficult. She can and does put herself to sleep in her crib and carrier, but doesn't every time. She will make a fuss for a few seconds when I walk out which will either result in her looking at her crib toy and talking herself to sleep or she will begin to cry (at which point I go in and rub her belly).

Hang in there and it will get better... especially as he gets older. We are military (with no family anywhere near us) and my hubby recently left for over a month and some nights were just toture for me... and I must admit, once or twice I did put her in her crib with some toys and walked outside for 5 minutes to regroup because I was just way too overwhelmed. This isn't going to damage her, but I just personally cannot let her cry by herself for over a minute or two.

Please note that I do NOT think you are a bad parent, in any way, shape, or form.

[Nicholasmommy]

I have thought about it alot because obviously I want to do what is best for my son.

Would I have handle it differently the first day? Maybe... I didn't know he was awake the whole time. I guess I didn't explain that I tried every other way to get him to go to sleep from nursing, rocking, patting, driving in the car, walking around, etc. I use to nurse him to sleep on the bed and bring my laptop in and sit by him but that stopped working b/c he woke up instantly. We have all tile so I can't leave him on the bed alone. It ended up being that every day for 4-5 days he was refusing to take a nap no matter what I did (no CIO) and he by 4pm he was a complete wreck b/c he was so tired and he would often cry. Our afternoons and early evenings were awful and he was not a happy man. I then decided to do the CIO method. The first day was bad, the second day was MUCH better, and today which is day three he hardly cried at all and took a solid 2 hour nap. When he woke up he was so happy and we spent the rest of the day together in a good mood and had so much fun.

So I guess my thinking is that no of course I wouldn't use CIO if I hadn't tried everything eles with no success. In my personal opinion that allowing him to cry for 2 days was the right decision. That or eles he would of been unhappy every afternoon.

I don't think that letting him cry for two days is going to damage him in the long run. My little man is a very loved and secured.

Everyone has their own opinions and I want to thank everyone for telling me their opinions. Also, thank you to all the people that where supportive about me being a single mom getting my masters. I just want to provide my son with the best life possible and teach him that an education is important.

Again, thank you to everyone, Kristina

[Amy_G_]

Like I said, mine stopped napping at an early age and just went to bed really early. He may have needed the timing of his nap changed, or his bedtime changed so he would be able to sleep better at naptime. Add in that plus teething at this age, and I'd figure it was something else that was keeping him awake. consider those kinds of things for any further sleep problems you have.

[StaciMN]

I recently got a great book called "The No Sleep Solution" by Elizabeth Pantley. Check it out it addresses all of the questions you pose and gives great "no cry" ways to get your baby to sleep longer and get him to nap and to bedtime with ease. My DS is 6 weeks but we are reading it already in anticipation. It addresses many solutions for older babies and toddlers.

I would love to hear an update.

[StaciMN]

Sorry the title should be "The No Cry Sleep Solution"

[monkeysmom]

My daughter will be 4 months old next week, and I dont let her CIO. Her father and his ex did with his other kids (now 11 and 13) and they are very insecure and selfish children (I have a lot of problems with my stepkids). I dont know what the reason for their behavior is, but if its at all related to being allowed to CIO, I want nothing to do with it. My DD is usually up between 7 and 8 AM, might nap for 45 min or so around 10 AM--might not--and I put her in her swing around 330 where she will sleep until 6 or 7 PM. Shes out for the night around 10 and is up to nurse by 430 and I bring her into bed with me as DH is up for work then. I really think some babies just don't need the naps other babies do, and as long as she's pleasant, I don't make her take a nap, cause if she's not ready to sleep, nothing I do will make h er sleep.

[konursmom]

Once, I did. It was horrible. Konur was a few days old and a typical breastfed newborn. The 2nd or 3rd night he would wake up, cry, I would nurse him and he would go back to sleep. I put him in the bassinett and same thing. I would put my hand in there and he would sleep but as soon as I moved it, he was awake and crying. Finally, I was exhausted and let him cry for a few minutes then he got quiet, and I thought he was out. Within a few minutes he was awake again and I never tried it again because when i got up to feed him his little face was still all red and blotchy from crying. He was diagnosed with tongue tie when he was 6 weeks after gaining a startling 6 ounces since birth. That was WITH visits to the ped weekly. The IBCLC said if I had let him CIO or tried to schedule him, he would have been in the ER for rehydration or worse.

As they have gotten older I havent done CIO either because I want to respond to their needs but also I remember being very young and being forced to nap alone and crying myself to sleep. I also cried myself to sleep most night as far back as I can remember. It was a horrible feeling.

I think we all do things based upon the information we have at the time and we each do the best we can for our children.

[fell4myfallbaby]

i have never really believed in CIO. well except for in the car cause he used to hate car rides and i obviously wasn't going to put him on my lap for that. but if somebody was with us they would ride in the back with him.
i wouldn't say your a bad parent cause well...just letting them fuss to sleepy time doesn't make you a bad parent....a bad parent is very very serious in my book.
good luck. i know it's rough. my little one nurses to sleep still....and i just lay down with him or i lay him down on the couch with his little feet touching me if i need to get homework done or get on the computer.

[Amy_G_]

CIO is not crying in the car, CIO is not crying until mom can finish helping her other kids or going to the bathroom.

CIO is a sleep training method.