THIS is a HUGE PROBLEM

[babymakes4]

ds1 is 9 and in 4th grade this year. He is an exceptionally smart child, in the gifted program and seems to be doing very well when it comes to his in class work at school, and all his test scores.

However, we have been having problems with him doing his homework at home, but then failing to turn it in at school. You would figure this is a problem easily solved, but unfortunately it is becoming a nightmare.

I clean out his backpack everyday when he gets home from school, We pull out his homework, and he does it and then we put it back in his backpack. Then a week or so later I get a notice from the teacher that he has not turned in ANY of his homework. It's not in the backpack, so I am not sure where he is putting it.

He has been grounded for over a week now, with no outside privlages outside of recess at school, and not video games or computer time. I got ANOTHER notice from the teacher today, along with a 3rd COPY NOTICE OF A FIELD TRIP WHICH IS SUPPOSED TO TAKE PLACE TOMMOROW.

Along with all that this afternoon, I found a note that I sent to school with him this morning to give to the teacher, about this homework problem. He deliberately did not give it to her, I know this because he made it a point to let me know that he DID turn in his homework.

I am so sick of the lying and decieving. I am out of patience and out of Ideas. I am so hurt as well, I have taught him better than this, and I am not sure how we got to this point.

I know he is SO SMARt, infact along with the other papers I found in his bag today, I found a notice from his gifted teacher, informing me that my 9 year old son is eligible to take the SAT and ACT tests this year.

Im so sad. I want to fix this but I don't know how. Dh thinks he should NOT be allowed to go on his fieldtrip tomorrow, but the fact that it is TOMORROW gives me NO time to talk to the school or the teacher about this, and I feel it would be rewarding for him to be allowed to stay home, as well as count against his absent time for school.

Help? I really don't know what to do from here. I have done everything I can think of, short of taking him to class by his hand and making sure he turns in his work. I can't do that, it's not possible for me, as I start school the same time he does every morning. I have attempted to contact the teacher, obviously she isn't getting my messages or she is ignoring them, and ds CERTAINLY isn't giving her any notes that I have sent with him....

Something has to be done. I don't even know what. I have decided that ds will sit on the couch and think about his actions, he has been sitting there about 20 minutes. Im not sure what to do. Help. :( :mad:

[MoonBound]

I would definetly contact the teacher. It is entirely possible that your brillant son is a space cadet as my mom would say. That he simply gets distracted by all the other students etc and forgets to turn it in. You sound so very frustrated, having the teacher specifically ask him for it - along the lines of "x I know you did your work may I have it please" - just might work. Also she should know he is doing the work.

[CatEyes]

Have you talked to him about it??? Asked him why he is not turning him homework and your notes?

[TuetonicWillow]

Welcome to being the parent of a gifted child. They come with their own set of issues.

My dd attends a school for the gifted. People laughed at me when I said she could read independantly long before she was 3 and could do triple digit addition and subtraction before she was 5. I wonder if they would still laugh me off if I said that along with the freakish intellect comes lack of common sense..

My daughter does things that make no sense. She'll do a writing assignment, have me edit it, retype it, print it, put it in her folder and then the next day tell her teacher she didn't do it. I suspect she can't bring herself tohand in anything she doesn't feel is perfect and she'd rather get an incomplete than a C or even a B.

Also, she's just terribly disorganized. I mean, horrifically. She can lose anything in less than 5 minutes. She is a slob, too. She will whine and cry that she can't find this or that but she just throws everything every which way. The odd thing about that is she keeps books, DVDs and CDs in alpabetical order and has a cow if they're out of sync.

I've come to accept one thing. Kids that are THIS gifted are always a little 'off'. It's a learn as we go process with my DD because my oldest son isn't like her, so she is all new territory for me. I'm trying to learn not to be angry when she does this crap but to force her to stick to certain guidelines. Some rules can't be bent, end of story.

But its hard not to get angry. I know...

I sometimes just want to yell at her and "Jesus, kid! You are studying 10th grade geometry at the age of 9, why can't you hand in your work or remember to take your lunch...EVER!"

Ahhhh...they're frustrating.

[Sputterduck]

I'm sorry. I was like that as a kid. My mom got to the point where she just told me to forge her signature on things because I would never remember to show her stuff she had to sign. I generally forgot to hand in anything, unless specifically asked to do so.

I was not lying or deceiving. I think it was just once I was done with something, it never crossed my mind again because I'd moved on to other things. I hated when my mom would say, "If it was important enough to you, then you would remember." That always really hurt me because it was important to me, but that didn't mean it would cross my mind.

[babymakes4]

Well, I can definitley identify with the disorganized, lack of common sense stuff. The thing that burns me the most is that he actually admitted to me that he did not turn in the note on purpose because "he thought he would be in trouble"

I am just going to wait for dh to get home and hopefully we can sit down and talk about where to go from here. I am very frustrated.

[Becca75]

My oldest is very gifted and I can totally understand where you're coming from. Once he got to middle school he almost completely stopped turning in homework. After two years we now have him in a virtual school where we make sure everything is turned in.

I wouldn't keep him home from the field trip, especially since it probably ties in to lessons somehow. It may be fun, but it's also educational. I like showing my kids that learning can be fun and doesn't always have to mean sitting in a classroom.

[Nipple_nectar]

I think you need to start a check in log with the teacher immediately. Buy a composition book, spiral is undesirable because pages can be removed without detection. Get the teacher to sign off on the book each day. Make it easy for her and you. Take the time each week when you have a quiet moment to do a fill in the blank type set up. Such as the date, any pending deadlines, make a box specifically geared towards completing tasks at school, homework being one of them.

Then set some positive rewards for reaching the desired goal each day. Whether it be computer time, TV time, a movie, outside play, a trip to the library, the options are endless!

www.melissaanddoug.com makes a really nice magnetic calender that would ease your burden of keeping track of him, I saw it in Border's book store and I think it's a must have for instilling a good routine for any child:)

[SingingMom]

Welcome to being the parent of a gifted child. They come with their own set of issues.

My dd attends a school for the gifted. People laughed at me when I said she could read independantly long before she was 3 and could do triple digit addition and subtraction before she was 5. I wonder if they would still laugh me off if I said that along with the freakish intellect comes lack of common sense..

My daughter does things that make no sense. She'll do a writing assignment, have me edit it, retype it, print it, put it in her folder and then the next day tell her teacher she didn't do it. I suspect she can't bring herself tohand in anything she doesn't feel is perfect and she'd rather get an incomplete than a C or even a B.

Also, she's just terribly disorganized. I mean, horrifically. She can lose anything in less than 5 minutes. She is a slob, too. She will whine and cry that she can't find this or that but she just throws everything every which way. The odd thing about that is she keeps books, DVDs and CDs in alpabetical order and has a cow if they're out of sync.

I've come to accept one thing. Kids that are THIS gifted are always a little 'off'. It's a learn as we go process with my DD because my oldest son isn't like her, so she is all new territory for me. I'm trying to learn not to be angry when she does this crap but to force her to stick to certain guidelines. Some rules can't be bent, end of story.

But its hard not to get angry. I know...

I sometimes just want to yell at her and "Jesus, kid! You are studying 10th grade geometry at the age of 9, why can't you hand in your work or remember to take your lunch...EVER!"

Ahhhh...they're frustrating.


Ouch. I was this kid. And I can still hear my mom's frustrated voice yelling "You'll be late to your own funeral! It's a good thing your head's attached or you'd lose it."

Maybe I am a little "off". I could see that. OTOH, how responsible do you expect a kid to be? I have a nine year old now. Looking at her, I completely get how a kid forgets things. Some things just aren't important to a kid like this. You can't change her priorities right now.

Try not to fill her mind with this "You're so bright, why the heck can't you remember to turn in your homework" stuff. I have to tell you that it resonated in a person's mind, well, forever.

Assess your daughter's life for stress levels. I had a tough, tough time that sounded exactly like this at about this age. And I was doing far too many things. The gifted program was great, but the overall expectation was far too high- I was doing two full time workloads at school. After a while, I didn't care about anything any more. And I was too young to articulate this- and far too invested in pleasing my parents, who were very proud of my intellectual abilities, to admit that I was overworked. And everyone, teachers, parents, gifted teachers, all expected me to manage all their assignments by myself.

I COULD do all the work. I DID all the work. But I didn't care. And I didn't even want to talk about it.

I wish that homeschooling had been an option for my parents. It would have been a lot easier for me, to do work at my own level and pace, in my own space.

[Sadalsuud]

I didn't turn in a lot of assignments. What was going on with me was a lot of things that I was thinking about, and I wouldn't remember to turn it in. If I did remember, it would be a little later and I, being painfully shy, was too embarassed to turn it late. This actually cost me a place in a gifted school when I was younger.

Try not to fill her mind with this "You're so bright, why the heck can't you remember to turn in your homework" stuff. I have to tell you that it resonated in a person's mind, well, forever.

This.

[Sputterduck]

Ouch. I was this kid. And I can still hear my mom's frustrated voice yelling "You'll be late to your own funeral! It's a good thing your head's attached or you'd lose it."

Maybe I am a little "off". I could see that. OTOH, how responsible do you expect a kid to be? I have a nine year old now. Looking at her, I completely get how a kid forgets things. Some things just aren't important to a kid like this. You can't change her priorities right now.

Try not to fill her mind with this "You're so bright, why the heck can't you remember to turn in your homework" stuff. I have to tell you that it resonated in a person's mind, well, forever.

Assess your daughter's life for stress levels. I had a tough, tough time that sounded exactly like this at about this age. And I was doing far too many things. The gifted program was great, but the overall expectation was far too high- I was doing two full time workloads at school. After a while, I didn't care about anything any more. And I was too young to articulate this- and far too invested in pleasing my parents, who were very proud of my intellectual abilities, to admit that I was overworked. And everyone, teachers, parents, gifted teachers, all expected me to manage all their assignments by myself.

I COULD do all the work. I DID all the work. But I didn't care. And I didn't even want to talk about it.

I wish that homeschooling had been an option for my parents. It would have been a lot easier for me, to do work at my own level and pace, in my own space.

ITA with this! I burned out way too young. Everybody expected so much of me, but when it came time to go away to college, I just didn't. I got so much crap for that because in everyone's eyes I could've done so much.

At 28 I'm just getting over the burn out and I'm finally going back to school. Because *I* want to, not because everyone around pushes me to.

[JudyJudyJudy]

Sputter, are you ever concerned that you're pushing your son too much?

[SingingMom]

ITA with this! I burned out way too young. Everybody expected so much of me, but when it came time to go away to college, I just didn't. I got so much crap for that because in everyone's eyes I could've done so much.

At 28 I'm just getting over the burn out and I'm finally going back to school. Because *I* want to, not because everyone around pushes me to.


I wanted to add that part of the stress for me was that my parents really wanted me to be "normal" too. Be a genius at gifted class, but act normal the rest of the time, because we want you to have a "normal" life.

My parents were asked by teachers at school several years running if they wouldn't like to skip me a grade (or two). Every time, they decided it was more important for me to be with kids my own age so I wouldn't be different.

I was still different. But message received, KWIM? Don't be different.

In the meantime, I was supposed to go to church activities, and gymnastics, and swim practice, and do all my in-class work that I missed because I was in the GATE class, and THEN do my GATE homework.

And speaking of ridiculous expectations, everything in the GATE program was perfect. They made quilts. Great activity for kids, right? Except that what the class made was a State-Fair winning kind of quilt. It was beautiful, and without flaws, as far as I could see. They had lab-quality microscopes, which I wasn't allowed to touch. And homework submitted was supposed to be typed (this was before everyone had a word processor...) and perfect.

Take a good hard look at the gifted programs and see if they are really good places for your kids... This kind of expectation set for a nine year old is a little much.

In my case, my parents finally pulled me out of the program after I admitted (with a lot of crying) that I felt overwhelmed. I really haven't had any subsequent problems with turning things in! I admit, as an adult, I can tend to be absent-minded, but I find with automatic bill-paying this is not much of a disability.

[Tweet]

ds1 is 9 and in 4th grade this year. He is an exceptionally smart child, in the gifted program and seems to be doing very well when it comes to his in class work at school, and all his test scores.

However, we have been having problems with him doing his homework at home, but then failing to turn it in at school. You would figure this is a problem easily solved, but unfortunately it is becoming a nightmare.

I clean out his backpack everyday when he gets home from school, We pull out his homework, and he does it and then we put it back in his backpack. Then a week or so later I get a notice from the teacher that he has not turned in ANY of his homework. It's not in the backpack, so I am not sure where he is putting it.

He has been grounded for over a week now, with no outside privlages outside of recess at school, and not video games or computer time. I got ANOTHER notice from the teacher today, along with a 3rd COPY NOTICE OF A FIELD TRIP WHICH IS SUPPOSED TO TAKE PLACE TOMMOROW.

Along with all that this afternoon, I found a note that I sent to school with him this morning to give to the teacher, about this homework problem. He deliberately did not give it to her, I know this because he made it a point to let me know that he DID turn in his homework.

I am so sick of the lying and decieving. I am out of patience and out of Ideas. I am so hurt as well, I have taught him better than this, and I am not sure how we got to this point.

I know he is SO SMARt, infact along with the other papers I found in his bag today, I found a notice from his gifted teacher, informing me that my 9 year old son is eligible to take the SAT and ACT tests this year.

Im so sad. I want to fix this but I don't know how. Dh thinks he should NOT be allowed to go on his fieldtrip tomorrow, but the fact that it is TOMORROW gives me NO time to talk to the school or the teacher about this, and I feel it would be rewarding for him to be allowed to stay home, as well as count against his absent time for school.

Help? I really don't know what to do from here. I have done everything I can think of, short of taking him to class by his hand and making sure he turns in his work. I can't do that, it's not possible for me, as I start school the same time he does every morning. I have attempted to contact the teacher, obviously she isn't getting my messages or she is ignoring them, and ds CERTAINLY isn't giving her any notes that I have sent with him....

Something has to be done. I don't even know what. I have decided that ds will sit on the couch and think about his actions, he has been sitting there about 20 minutes. Im not sure what to do. Help. :( :mad:

While I'm sure it's very frustrating for you as the parent, it's likely embarrassing and frustrating for him as well. I had a huge problem with forgetting to turn in my homework..I was very overwhelmed and would forget to get folders out of my locker, etc.

If it were me, I'd likely assume something a little deeper going on rather than being deceptive for the hell of it. I have heard it is not uncommon for extremely gifted/bright children to be very delayed with some other skills like motor planning, organization, fine motor,gross motor..etc. Please try not to look at it like a failure,whatever you do.

As to what to do, I'd go to the school counselor as well as any teachers and have a conference to see what needs to be done.He needs an evaluation to see if there are any underlying things going on in the way of delays ( and yes, gifted people can be delayed in other areas!) They then should be able to put an IEP together for him and that should help a lot.

Just be as supportive as you can be..no one likes being lied to, but I have a hunch he's lying because he's embarrassed , confused, and doesn't want to disappoint anyone. But definitely get that conference going asap.There are resources there to help.

eta I agree with pps that talked about pressure. That could be one reason for the lying,kwim?

[The_Market]

Sounds JUST like my very ADD sister.

She failed the first 3 ADD tests she took b/c they were on the computer and that's where she hyper-focuses.

[maksmom]

I can relate from both sides, as the kid and the parent. My 18yo dd is the super-smart kid with zero common sense, and I get your frustration. Luckily our in school issues were minimal, but at home she just zones out. I think she is done thinking and she is ready to turn off. It drives us batty, she can't hear or understand anything we say. She is also a huge slob, and I am constantly asking her to keep her mess in her room from creeping down the hallway and to the bathroom.
I was in gifted in school, but don't remember a lot of pressure, just fun. Our program focused on alternative thinking methods, not college trig. My school chums and I still remember gifted fondly. But I'm sure I drove my parents crazy with my "lack of motivation." My older sister had enough motivation for both of us and I did everything to keep from being compared to her, not that my parents did compare us, I think I did it to myself.
The bottom line for me is the smarter you are the more quirks you have.

[babymakes4]

Well, thank you all for your input and ideas. I sent him on his field trip today, with the note he was supposed to turn in yesterday. I hope to hear from the teacher by the end of the week, if I don't then I will be making a trip to the school on monday myself.

The "gifted" program at school only meets twice a week, it is an all day afair which puts him in a different classroom with different children all day for those two days. The major focus in that group is language, reading, and writing. He says to me all the time how much he LOVES this program, and how much he wishes he could do that all the time instead of "regular school"

My son is an avid reader, he loves books, infact his love for books takes over his mind sometimes. There are saturdays where his nose is in a book from the time he wakes up until the time he does to bed. He just finished "Eldest" (the sequel to Eragon) in less than 3 days, he couldn't put it down. He is reading books that I didn't read until 9th or 10th grade.
He also LOVES anything science and history related (thanks to dh) and can tell you facts about history, and animals that you never knew, and would never even think to learn about.
He truly is amazingly smart and I am so proud of him and his abilities. He gets bored with the everyday 4th grade stuff, the math, the spelling, it's all so boring for him. Im not sure what can be done about that.

He also, just started playing the violin with the school orchestra. He is so excited to be with them every monday and wednsday morning as well.

I don't want to pull him away from the things he loved. As a child myself the only thing my parents allowed me to do was be in the band. I spent my entire school career in the band, I lived in it, and loved it. It was by far the best thing I ever put my whole self into, I had wonderful experiences, saw amazing places, and made friends that are irreplaceable. I always felt like I belonged there.

Music is something I feel is very important, I did not push my son to it, but showed him his options (took him to the football games to see the marching band, took him to the orchestra) and he gravitated to classical music, especially strings. So, that is the last thing I want to pull him away from.

I just want him to be happy, and well rounded. I want him to be who he is, without having to worry about anything else. It is so hard. I hope we can come up with a way to make things better soon.

[frannie]

This thread is an eye opener for me. My 9yr DS is very much like the brite children you have all described. He does not turn in homework (which is causing a problem with grades), is very unorganized, and will not keep his room clean.
There are many time I wonder what is wrong, why cant he just do what he is told. It is a great source of stress for me. Now I see our situation in a diffrent way. Knowing this is common with children like him, I can be more understang, and not just think he is being defiant.
I realy do feel a sence of relief, thank you moms.

[The_Market]

I sometimes just want to yell at her and "Jesus, kid! You are studying 10th grade geometry at the age of 9, why can't you hand in your work or remember to take your lunch...EVER!"

Ahhhh...they're frustrating.


This. That is totally my sister.

Along with all the testing she had (it didn't really come to a crux and testing etc until 6th grade), they did an IQ test. Well, the regular test they did only scored up to a certain point and she was far off the charts. She's just too smart.

She's also OCD (I mean, was finally diagnosed as an adult), but that only covers certain things. I think she just feel so out of control, with her brain going so fast all the time, that she has this need to control certain things. Otherwise, she's a total slob.

Einstein did horribly in school. I'm sure he'd do far, far worse today; with the degree of busiwork and stuff t keep up with from home. He also said he saw no point in memorizing what he could look up, when he could be thinking about something new and important.

If you took just my sister's test scores, she'd have a 4.0 gpa. However, she barely passed in the regular public school she attended.

[Sputterduck]

Sputter, are you ever concerned that you're pushing your son too much?


Honestly, I really have to watch it. I have a hard time not repeating the school experience I was in at his age. I have to hold myself back every day.

[The_Market]

This thread is an eye opener for me. My 9yr DS is very much like the brite children you have all described. He does not turn in homework (which is causing a problem with grades), is very unorganized, and will not keep his room clean.
There are many time I wonder what is wrong, why cant he just do what he is told. It is a great source of stress for me. Now I see our situation in a diffrent way. Knowing this is common with children like him, I can be more understang, and not just think he is being defiant.
I realy do feel a sence of relief, thank you moms.
I'm so glad! I think this is really important.

Labels mean a lot. Our children will develop a self image. They will label themselves. An awesome person once gave me "Delivered from Distraction" which is the sequal to the better known "Driven to Distraction". I've not read the latter, but "Delivered from Distraction" has meant so much to me. I really recommend it to anyone who is parenting an gifted and/or ADD kid.

The book talks a lot about labels and self esteem. It talks about learning to focus on the strengths of a fast working mind and tools for compensating for the weaknesses...or even turning them into strengths.

One more amusing Einstein factoid. There were times in his life that he had body guards because he was so absent minded there were concerns for his safety!

[Sputterduck]

My 18yo dd is the super-smart kid with zero common sense


This is my mother's side of the family completely. They are incredibly intelligent, even getting perfect scores on SAT portions and the GRE, but they have no sense at all.

My dad says they are "book smart but they have no horse-sense". :p

Somehow they can't function in everyday life. You can know that my dad is off visiting my grandma, as he tends to do for a week or so at a time, because when you go to their house the windows are all open, the front door is open, the AC is on, the sprinklers have been left on, the oven is on, the garage door is open, and she is off at the grocery store. It never occurs to her do these things. My dad does them for her.

I do the same thing but you'll never see me admit it.:p

As someone who is like this, it's largely that my mind is just on other things. I have a lot of different threads of thought going on in my head all the time. Stuff like getting the mail just gets crowded out.

[jessiehannan]

I agree that it is more than likely just because he doesn't remember. It is so frustrating to not remember little things like homeowrk, when there is so much other stuff to remember. I can tell you the last 4 books I read, and can recall wht I wore at a certain event 2 years ago, but can't remember where I put the keys or the remote. The more some one elses gets upset about it, the worse it is. This is something I struggle with everyday.
Something that helps me immensely is to write down what I am going to do and what order, or I am all over the place. Print a sheet out and laminate it, then stick it int he front of his binder.

[Sputterduck]

I wanted to add that part of the stress for me was that my parents really wanted me to be "normal" too. Be a genius at gifted class, but act normal the rest of the time, because we want you to have a "normal" life.

My parents were asked by teachers at school several years running if they wouldn't like to skip me a grade (or two). Every time, they decided it was more important for me to be with kids my own age so I wouldn't be different.

I was still different. But message received, KWIM? Don't be different.

In the meantime, I was supposed to go to church activities, and gymnastics, and swim practice, and do all my in-class work that I missed because I was in the GATE class, and THEN do my GATE homework.

And speaking of ridiculous expectations, everything in the GATE program was perfect. They made quilts. Great activity for kids, right? Except that what the class made was a State-Fair winning kind of quilt. It was beautiful, and without flaws, as far as I could see. They had lab-quality microscopes, which I wasn't allowed to touch. And homework submitted was supposed to be typed (this was before everyone had a word processor...) and perfect.

Take a good hard look at the gifted programs and see if they are really good places for your kids... This kind of expectation set for a nine year old is a little much.

In my case, my parents finally pulled me out of the program after I admitted (with a lot of crying) that I felt overwhelmed. I really haven't had any subsequent problems with turning things in! I admit, as an adult, I can tend to be absent-minded, but I find with automatic bill-paying this is not much of a disability.


I understand this. My parents wanted me to be normal, but I am just not. I never will be. I am okay with that now. In fact, I prefer it. I like me now.

My mother isn't normal either, so I don't know why she wanted me to be. Maybe to avoid the pitfalls that can happen when you don't fit in.

My parents didn't let me skip grades. I don't know if that was good or bad. My cousin got to skip a grade and she still didn't fit in, but at least she wasn't as bored. My mother hated that my aunt let her do that.

[Sputterduck]

There were times in his life that he had body guards because he was so absent minded there were concerns for his safety!

Ha! This is my family! My poor dad has to follow my mother around or she will hurt herself. That or burn the house down.

Oh and my poor grandpa too... He lived in a small town and my uncle would get calls... "Mike, your father is wandering around again. Can you go pick him up?" I'm sure my grandpa would be up to something interesting, but people were worried about him.