do certain ppl intimidate you?

[ChristmasTree]

Ok, in short i will say that my USPS mail carrier lady is real pretty and super sweet (she is 55) and has no children so she has taken to me as a surrogate daughter or sorts. we go out to eat 1 or 2 times a week on her lunch break and i have been to church with her twice for special events. But for some reason i get very nervous and intimidated by her and i have no idea why!!!!:( i am growing very fond of her and enjoy her company, but i get all shaky and unsure of myself when i am around her.

can anyone tell me what this is about? why she intimidates me? is it just because she is pretty?

How do i get over this feeling?

[Justicedog]

Is it just her?

I'm intimidated by a bunch of different people. Particularly smart or well spoken or assertive folks.

[CatEyes]

Is it just her?

I'm intimidated by a bunch of different people. Particularly smart or well spoken or assertive folks.

Same here

[MoonBound]

I get intimidated ordering fast food but am fine speaking or acting. I think it's a one on one thing. Really gets in the way of making new friends.

[Justicedog]

I also get intimidated by pretty, thin, or physically fit people. As well as people who are outgoing. Car salesman intimidate me too.

[CatEyes]

I also have Social phobia. That does not help matters any. I am pretty much intimidated by EVERYONE! Esspeically cops and managers at a work place.

[TuetonicWillow]

I can't think of anyone that intimidates me. I'm ballsy to a fault.

[xobehs]

Rarely.

[Babyblue]

my in laws are in a way intimidating, because they are assholes but I cant tell them to fuck off and leave me alone because we rent our house from them. I suspect if I showed an ounce of my real personality around them they would throw dh and I out.

didn't know they were such assholes when we moved in. mil has just got progressively more vile and evil with time.

[ChristmasTree]

well there are more people than just her that intimidate me, especially in public. i guess i have a low self esteem. she has a nice body, very muscular. i just don't know what it is that is doing it for me. maybe her age?

i mean, as soon as i hear her mail truck i get IBS! i seem to get more intimidated as we go along with our friendship. some of the things she says to me are kind of bible thumping and borderline condemning. maybe that is why i am intimidated because i think outside of the box and i think things like therapy are beneficial in helping you to grow (i had therapy at one time in my life) where she thinks that the bible can do everything for you that a therapist can so why go to a therapist....

[TuetonicWillow]

Since you put it out here for the world to see, I'll give you my honest two cents. I don't think you need any friends that make you so nervous that you get an upset stomach. I'm certainly no therapist but the facts that she scares you, thumps her bible and says negative things about your thoughts/practices/life AND that you seem to be in awe of her perceived beauty make me think that maybe you just want to be friends with the idea of a pretty person. What the hell would I know, anyway.

Whole thing sounds a little too toxic for me.

[Babyblue]

I agree with tw, just because I am not outright caustic to my mil does not mean I have to fake being nice to her.

though it would be nice to have a warm lovey realationship with a mom type figure, its not something I think I will ever have in my life.

[Bellaelle]

I can't think of anyone that intimidates me. I'm ballsy to a fault.


Same here, sister friend!

[CatEyes]

I have horrible self asteem to.

I have major depression, high anxiety and social phobia. My anxiety was REALLY bad when I was younger. I get really nervous being around ANY type of person. I can't hold down a job when I was younger for very long because my anxiety would get soooo bad that it would physically make me sick. It is horrible! I envy women that can work a full time job. I am getting SSI now and have for years because of my mental issues. Now I have physical health issues that is disabiling (sp) me the last 3 years. I wish i could work and be a productive person in sociaty. It sucks! I hate being like this!

ETA: It didn't help growing up with a mom who is manic depressive that never took her meds and was in and out of mental health hospitals off and on through the years. My half sister was SO mean to me. Dad got where he would just go into a depression and stay nuetral. It would get so bad that when mom was abusive that my dad took me out of the home and let me stay with HIS family and then i got molested by my exstepgrandpa and got blamed for it and got disowned. I had a very unstable child hood and early adulthood. I am beyond shy. I am very entroverted!

[xobehs]

I used to be very intimidatated. In HS (I went to boarding school) I spent my first year afraid of everyone. I would break out in hives just walking into the dining hall!
I have NO idea why the turn around, I was just tired of feeling low.
I experience lots of people who would like to intimidate me but it doesn't.

[ChristmasTree]

I have horrible self asteem to.

I have major depression, high anxiety and social phobia. My anxiety was REALLY bad when I was younger. I get really nervous being around ANY type of person. I can't hold down a job when I was younger for very long because my anxiety would get soooo bad that it would physically make me sick. It is horrible! I envy women that can work a full time job. I am getting SSI now and have for years because of my mental issues. Now I have physical health issues that is disabiling (sp) me the last 3 years. I wish i could work and be a productive person in sociaty. It sucks! I hate being like this!

ETA: It didn't help growing up with a mom who is manic depressive that never took her meds and was in and out of mental health hospitals off and on through the years. My half sister was SO mean to me. Dad got where he would just go into a depression and stay nuetral. It would get so bad that when mom was abusive that my dad took me out of the home and let me stay with HIS family and then i got molested by my exstepgrandpa and got blamed for it and got disowned. I had a very unstable child hood and early adulthood. I am beyond shy. I am very entroverted!

your growing up life sounds about like mine. i'm sorry for you. it sucks~

[CatEyes]

your growing up life sounds about like mine. i'm sorry for you. it sucks~


:hug: I am sorry for you to

[ChristmasTree]

Since you put it out here for the world to see, I'll give you my honest two cents. I don't think you need any friends that make you so nervous that you get an upset stomach. I'm certainly no therapist but the facts that she scares you, thumps her bible and says negative things about your thoughts/practices/life AND that you seem to be in awe of her perceived beauty make me think that maybe you just want to be friends with the idea of a pretty person. What the hell would I know, anyway.

Whole thing sounds a little too toxic for me.

well that does make good sense. but i am not in awe per se of her beauty, i just wonder if that is what is intimidating me.

i never really paid attention to her until one day i went to get the mail and she started being friendly and before i know it she gives me a hug. then it turns into a hug every time i see her. yeah, that is nice i guess, but i don't need a hug every time i see someone. so i would go over to the other side of her mail truck, but she would insist i come over to the other side where she was so she could "see me" and give me a hug. she started saying things like i feel bad for you living alone with no husband and she "worries about me" so i think that was her way of mothering me. i wasn't lookin for a mother, but it is nice to have a maternal friend from time to time. so, it started with her and i just kind of went along with it. i was always grateful to her for delivering my mail in a timely manner and leaving my ebay packages inside of my screen door. THEN SHE RESUES MY DOG! SHE BROUGHT HIM HOME WHEN HE WAS LOST!! I HAD BEEN CRYING FOR DAYS AND WENT OUT TO HER TRUCK AND ASKED HER TO HELP ME FIND HIM AND SHE DID! i will be ever grateful to her for that, but i feel like things are moving too fast with our friendship. i am such a private person and i am getting uncomfortable. she asked to come over to see my photography, and since i am feeling like shit this week from issues with her i told her next week would be better. i don't know what is going on, i am just very confused. i seem to get more intimidated the more she knows about me. maybe because i am so private...?

[CatEyes]

well that does make good sense. but i am not in awe per se of her beauty, i just wonder if that is what is intimidating me.

i never really paid attention to her until one day i went to get the mail and she started being friendly and before i know it she gives me a hug. then it turns into a hug every time i see her. yeah, that is nice i guess, but i don't need a hug every time i see someone. so i would go over to the other side of her mail truck, but she would insist i come over to the other side where she was so she could "see me" and give me a hug. she started saying things like i feel bad for you living alone with no husband and she "worries about me" so i think that was her way of mothering me. i wasn't lookin for a mother, but it is nice to have a maternal friend from time to time. so, it started with her and i just kind of went along with it. i was always grateful to her for delivering my mail in a timely manner and leaving my ebay packages inside of my screen door. THEN SHE RESUES MY DOG! SHE BROUGHT HIM HOME WHEN HE WAS LOST!! I HAD BEEN CRYING FOR DAYS AND WENT OUT TO HER TRUCK AND ASKED HER TO HELP ME FIND HIM AND SHE DID! i will be ever grateful to her for that, but i feel like things are moving too fast with our friendship. i am such a private person and i am getting uncomfortable. she asked to come over to see my photography, and since i am feeling like shit this week from issues with her i told her next week would be better. i don't know what is going on, i am just very confused. i seem to get more intimidated the more she knows about me. maybe because i am so private...?

Speaking of her hugging you all the time. There is a lady at our town grocery store that works there and she hugs me every time she see's me. She knows about my health and physical problems and I guess she feels sorry for me that she needs to hug me everytime she see's me. That made me really uncomfortable.

It sounds like that you have anxiety problems with her. It is out of your comfort zone so to speak.

[ChristmasTree]

CatEyes, yes, i agree. she feels bad for me because she sees me ill. i have fibromyalgia and a heart problem so sometimes i can hardly get around if i am in a flare. i am also in therapy for a herniated disc, but that part is doing great right now!!! whoo hooo!

i have anxiety problems in general. i tried to tell her i am a nervous person if am out of my comfort zone.

i have got to do some serious soul searching to find out if this is worth it or not for me. if it were not for my anxiety i think things would be more ok, but i shake like a chihuahua~! :) LOL

i have enough other problems in my life right now (not working due to my back, fibro, and anxiety and trying to decide if i want to apply for dissability)

[Ma_Whit]

Any chance she's attracted to you? Or you to her? That's what the butterflies in the stomach and focus on prettiness made me think of.

[Tweet]

Since you put it out here for the world to see, I'll give you my honest two cents. I don't think you need any friends that make you so nervous that you get an upset stomach. I'm certainly no therapist but the facts that she scares you, thumps her bible and says negative things about your thoughts/practices/life AND that you seem to be in awe of her perceived beauty make me think that maybe you just want to be friends with the idea of a pretty person. What the hell would I know, anyway.

Whole thing sounds a little too toxic for me.


I couldn't agree more.

As for the question, I used to feel intimidated by assertive people, bitchy people, and especially men that were arrogant and or cocky. As I've gotten older, I've gotten over it. I figure I have just as much right as anyone else to exist and just don't let overwhelming personalities get to me anymore. I think some of it's had to do with being forced into being an advocate for a SN kids and part of it has been dealing with a very overbearing MIL. I don't have a problem speaking my mind these days or being assertive myself, if needed.

I also try to surround myself around people that are respectful. I don't hang out with people that make me feel bad about myself. And I don't put up with people TRYING to make me feel bad.

[Sputterduck]

People in general intimidate me. I'm very shy though. If I see someone really far away and they can't even see me, I feel intimidated."wait"

[ChristmasTree]

Any chance she's attracted to you? Or you to her? That's what the butterflies in the stomach and focus on prettiness made me think of.


Oh hell nooooo! LOL it is not butterflies (those are fun LOL), it is pure anxiety. she is only attracted to me as a daughter figure.

[ChristmasTree]

I couldn't agree more.
I figure I have just as much right as anyone else to exist and just don't let overwhelming personalities get to me anymore.

Thank you for this. it makes me feel much better

[nelsonwife]

your growing up life sounds about like mine. i'm sorry for you. it sucks~


I have to chime in too, and say that your growing up sounds very similar to mine as well. I'm sorry, for all of us that have to have endured that. NO one should.

I'm not done with the thread, but just had to add that.


...off to finish

Done now, and I have to say, I feel a lot like the rest of you guys who feel the anxiety, and the comfort zones. I hope more ladies come along, and add what they feel...etc.. I'm very interested in this thread.

I need to research a Therapist, I think.

...back to work now....


ETA- ending...

[Tweet]

I lied. I was slightly intimidated recently when my very hot PT had me do exercises that basically required me sticking my buttocks near his face so that he could support my back. Or, maybe embarrassed is more like it.

[Crabbie]

I can't think of anyone that intimidates me. I'm ballsy to a fault.


you? no way! ;)

[ChristmasTree]

I lied. I was slightly intimidated recently when my very hot PT had me do exercises that basically required me sticking my buttocks near his face so that he could support my back. Or, maybe embarrassed is more like it.

LOL~ i know how you feel. i am in therapy too...and i only wear skirts.... can you say....awkward with a hot PT :)

[Crabbie]

For myself I am not intimidated easily.

In the last ten years I can count one person who intimidated the crap out of me. It was a BIG muscle builder man who like to curse at me for no reason. I still had the balls to tell him to get out of my store and if I saw him again I'd call the pd on him. He then acted like a small child crying that he did nothing wrong. Yeah he did nothing wrong except destroy merchandise.

[Iconoclast]

One person used to. An attending neurosurgeon I knew when I was in residency. I would get knots in my stomach every time I had to speak to her. I haven't seen her in 15years, so it is hard to say if that would still be the case. There isn't anyone presently. I am often told that I am very intimidating, which hurts my feelings because I go out of my way not to be.

As for the OP, I'd not have anything to do with someone (had I the choice) who made me feel the way you describe.

[pawprint]

There are a few very intelligent people at UU who intimidate me, but that's about it.

[dalurker]

I can't think of anyone who intimidates me. There are plenty of people who are more attractive or smarter than me or who have more money or bigger toys, but I'm not intimidated by them at all.

I guess if it's a looser definition of intimidation, I reckon I'd be intimidated if I had to debate with someone on a topic about which they were much better educated than I (or me), but I can't think of a situation in which I'd need to do such a thing, so smarter people don't intimidate me.

When I was younger, I used to do the whole tough guy act and made it exceedingly clear that I wasn't intimidated by anyone, by golly, but I got over that. I'm pretty much a pacifist and pick my battles more carefully now, but definitely still not easily intimidated. I think sometimes my easygoingness (heh) is mistaken for weakness because on the rare occasion that I've had to be really assertive with, say, a client, the people who work with me are really taken aback.

[EvilAmy]

Any chance she's attracted to you? Or you to her? That's what the butterflies in the stomach and focus on prettiness made me think of.


That was my thought as well.

[KaraJ]

That was my thought as well. Mine too.

[ChristmasTree]

haha, lol, not even possible.

[KaraJ]

haha, lol, not even possible. No worries. I suppose it was just how you worded it at first. :)

[ChristmasTree]

it isn't just her that makes me nervous like that. but she is the one i see most often so i figured i would try and deal with her first.

[Sputterduck]

I didn't take the mention of physical things to mean attraction. Lots of people are intimidated by people they perceive to be better looking than them.

[TuetonicWillow]

I didn't take the mention of physical things to mean attraction. Lots of people are intimidated by people they perceive to be better looking than them.


Same here. Many people are intimidated by looks, by money, by career or education. I am not saying I can honestly relate to that, but it's true nonetheless.

[ChristmasTree]

I didn't take the mention of physical things to mean attraction. Lots of people are intimidated by people they perceive to be better looking than them.

yes, that is part of the intimidation problem.

what is weird is ppl say they are intimidated by me. i am told constantly how pretty i am and how beautiful my hair is. it is extremely long and healthy, below my bottom. so the person that other ppl see me as outwardly is way different than what i am on the inside. but when ppl get to know me they are in no way intimidated by me at all.

as i am getting to know her the fear and anxiety is not diminishing.

i just wonder how long this will go on. how long i will feel like this...

should i talk to her about it? or is that a bad idea?:confused::confused::confused:

[TuetonicWillow]

I think you should talk to a therapist, not to your mail carrier.

I truly hope that doesn't sound as snarky as I think it might because I honestly don't mean anything cruel by it at all. I really do believe you've displayed some really unhealthy thoughts and worries and I feel bad for you for having to live with this kind of anxiety. I won't pretend to know how that feels. I also won't pretend what you've posted is in the realm of 'normal'.

You know a beautiful, older woman who mothers you, who confuses you, puts down your lifestyle and makes you feel nervous and sick to your stomach and it gets worse with time. Why on Earth would you even consider this your friend? ChristmasTree, this is not at all what new friendship is like.

[Babyhellfire]

I have social anxiety issues. There are times I am fine an NO ONE bothers me-but more often I am intimidated by EVERYONE
..no particular reason.It will be hard for me to even make eye contact.
There are FEW people who are easy for me to be around ALL the time.
There are also FEW people who I am intimidated by ALL the time even when I am in a better mood socially.
Dh made a good point, about me though- i intimidate other people often, they don't realize I am far more intimidated by them tho.

[ChristmasTree]

I have social anxiety issues. There are times I am fine an NO ONE bothers me-but more often I am intimidated by EVERYONE
..no particular reason.It will be hard for me to even make eye contact.
There are FEW people who are easy for me to be around ALL the time.
There are also FEW people who I am intimidated by ALL the time even when I am in a better mood socially.
Dh made a good point, about me though- i intimidate other people often, they don't realize I am far more intimidated by them tho.

yeah, that is pretty much how i am.

[Amberry]

Is it just her?

I'm intimidated by a bunch of different people. Particularly smart or well spoken or assertive folks.

Shut-UP!

You are smart and well spoken, I am not sure about assertive, but you sure are good at presenting and standing behind your opinion!

You so crazy.

[ChristmasTree]

I think you should talk to a therapist, not to your mail carrier.

I truly hope that doesn't sound as snarky as I think it might because I honestly don't mean anything cruel by it at all. I really do believe you've displayed some really unhealthy thoughts and worries and I feel bad for you for having to live with this kind of anxiety. I won't pretend to know how that feels. I also won't pretend what you've posted is in the realm of 'normal'.

You know a beautiful, older woman who mothers you, who confuses you, puts down your lifestyle and makes you feel nervous and sick to your stomach and it gets worse with time. Why on Earth would you even consider this your friend? ChristmasTree, this is not at all what new friendship is like.

good question. i am asking myself the same thing really. why am in trying to be her friend? i was not the one who sought it out. i was not needing amother, nor still am i. i have a good foster mom from back in the day and we are real close so that IS my mother ya know?

at least i am not this anxious all the time or with everyone. thank God.

thanks for telling me i am not normal. i already feel bad enough about myself as it is.
some people don't have good upbringing and are still learning as adults how to relate to others. and do the things that most of our peers learn in elementary school.

but everything else you said was good.

[KaraJ]

Christmas Tree, maybe you should take some time away, so to speak, from this lady. Then when you guys meet up again, you could see if you still feel nervous??? I dunno. Just a thought.

[KaraJ]

BTW, why did you pick out "Christmas Tree," for your name? I want to know. :)

[Amberry]

Nah I am rarely, if ever indimidated. I have been called intimidating and I hate it. I am one of the easiest to get along with, non judgmental people ever, but I do have a bit of a crass sense of humor I guess. I am a shit talker too, but that is just because I have a big ass mouth, and I call shit as I see it.

[ChristmasTree]

Christmas Tree, maybe you should take some time away, so to speak, from this lady. Then when you guys meet up again, you could see if you still feel nervous??? I dunno. Just a thought.

yeah, i think that is a great idea. i think maybe it is just a bad time in my life to be adding someone new.

[ChristmasTree]

BTW, why did you pick out "Christmas Tree," for your name? I want to know. :)


well LOL, it was Christmas when i joined and i could not think of anyother name :) i should change it...haha or just wait for Christmas to come back around :) hehe.

[KaraJ]

yeah, i think that is a great idea. i think maybe it is just a bad time in my life to be adding someone new. I know this is a stupid question, cuz you already said you weren't "interested" in her, but do you think she likes you? Sorry if you already addressed this. ???

[ChristmasTree]

I know this is a stupid question, cuz you already said you weren't "interested" in her, but do you think she likes you? Sorry if you already addressed this. ???

No, she is old and married so i see her actions toward me are those of a woman who never raised a child and is at that time in her life (she is 55 and going thru menopause) she is regretting it and sees someone who she imagines could have been hers. (i am at the right age that i could have been her child)

that is what i began to notice about her from when i was first getting to know her.

she always looked at me in a certain sweet way like a mother would look at a child. i can pass for much younger than i am btw :) lol

[Teresa64]

I say trust your intuition. Sometimes I just get a "feeling" about people when I meet them. Like they are not who they say they are. They may seem nice but something is off.

Besides if she is condescending to you and putting you down even in a "nice" way then she is no friend. Its not like she is a friend you have had for years that can get away with constructive criticism.

I hope that makes sense. I think it is almost bedtime for me.

[ChristmasTree]

I say trust your intuition. Sometimes I just get a "feeling" about people when I meet them. Like they are not who they say they are. They may seem nice but something is off.

Besides if she is condescending to you and putting you down even in a "nice" way then she is no friend. Its not like she is a friend you have had for years that can get away with constructive criticism.

I hope that makes sense. I think it is almost bedtime for me.

Yes, that is one thing that bothers me. she is giving me "constructive criticism" when she has no right to really. but older people tend to do that to me usually. maybe i'm cursed LOL :) JK JK JK

[Sputterduck]

What criticism is she giving exactly?

[Teresa64]

Yes, that is one thing that bothers me. she is giving me "constructive criticism" when she has no right to really. but older people tend to do that to me usually. maybe i'm cursed LOL :) JK JK JK


Don't worry. I have had to deal with that too. A lot of people think that "young folks" don't know a damn about anything. I love it when I get criticised by people I don't even know on how to raise my children.

[ChristmasTree]

well i say something and then she goes and says, but the "BIBLE says" or more than once she has said "if you believed enough God would heal you." i have combated her each time she has said these things.

she also told me it is better for me not to vote because i am voting for Obama. she also said "i thought you were a church goer? you believe in aborting babies?" all because of Obama.

[frannie]

There was one lady who intimidated me. She belonged to a church that I worked at, I used to hate to talk to her because she would get right up in my face when we had conversations. She was one of those "close talker" , no matter how many times I moved back she was right there.

Christmastree, could it be that your having these feelings because of the relationship you had with you real mother? Did the feeling start when she started to put you down?

You said you have a good relationship with a foster mom (i think is what you said) could you be feeling guilty that your are having a mother daughter type relationship with this friend?

[ChristmasTree]

There was one lady who intimidated me. She belonged to a church that I worked at, I used to hate to talk to her because she would get right up in my face when we had conversations. She was one of those "close talker" , no matter how many times I moved back she was right there.

Christmastree, could it be that your having these feelings because of the relationship you had with you real mother? Did the feeling start when she started to put you down?

You said you have a good relationship with a foster mom (i think is what you said) could you be feeling guilty that your are having a mother daughter type relationship with this friend?

i think it would be the first you said. i am thinking it has to do with my first beginning. how nothing i ever did was right. how my entire being was wrong and not worthy.

but i can not pin point it. there was so much that even happened to me before i could talk ya know? that is why this whole thing is bugging me...i just can not put my finger on what the trigger is....ack!"rant"

[ChristmasTree]

damn, i need to see a therapist...this is much much bigger than i thought...

[hidesome]

Normally, I am quite resolute and am not moved by rank, age, size, or status. I am, however, often disarmed by a pretty girl with a sweet smile. How strange...

[frannie]

Is there something about her that reminds you of your mother?
Her age, smile, hair, it could be a small thing in combination with her mothering ways.

[NewMum]

well i say something and then she goes and says, but the "BIBLE says" or more than once she has said "if you believed enough God would heal you." i have combated her each time she has said these things.

she also told me it is better for me not to vote because i am voting for Obama. she also said "i thought you were a church goer? you believe in aborting babies?" all because of Obama.


I personally have a problem with people who constantly try to push their views on me. I have no problem listening to what they have to say once, or even twice. But continually pressing their beliefs on me and putting mine down only outs them for being self-righteous and hypocritical. People should respect your opinion whether or not they think the same.
Have you mentioned to her how her comments make you feel? Not just arguing the point she's trying to make? She may not have picked up on your discomfort. (Some people just like to debate) If it were me, I'd explain how I feel. If she didn't get the message, I'd stop spending time with her.

more than once she has said "if you believed enough God would heal you.
As for this.... God only gives us what we can handle. You don't need "healing", you just need to have faith that you can overcome all that has happened to you. You need to examine and understand your fears and problems to work towards a solution.
Good luck.. and take care of yourself!

[Sputterduck]

well i say something and then she goes and says, but the "BIBLE says" or more than once she has said "if you believed enough God would heal you." i have combated her each time she has said these things.

she also told me it is better for me not to vote because i am voting for Obama. she also said "i thought you were a church goer? you believe in aborting babies?" all because of Obama.


She sounds just like xSO and his mother. I have PCOS and for the last year they've asserted that God *will* heal me if I act and believe as if he already healed me. I should just stop taking my meds as an act of faith. I did. I tried their advice. Lo and behold I still have PCOS.

I hate beliefs like that. It makes sick people appear at fault. I understand why you are uncomfortable with her. I am great friends with my x but the beliefs of him and his mother really really put me off to a degree that I can't explain.

[JenniferH]

My Red Flags are going up all over the place here.

I think the hugging on your first meeting, the insisting on hugs at every meeting, the putting you and your ideas down, and the feeling of "uh-oh" you have when you are around her are red flags. Your whole body is reacting and you are trying to blame your low self-esteem. Predators choose those who don't listen to their instincts.

At the very least, I think she has boundary issues and her own agenda (which may or may not be conscious). I don't think the idea that she may be attracted to you is all that far off. Her own conservative beliefs may lead her to be unable to act on her sexual orientation. Having a relationship with you in other ways may still be her attraction to you.

If, God forbid, she is some sort of sociopath, she is in the perfect job to find and prey on people who are alone, lonely and vulnerable. Your physical illnesses and your complex upbringing make you vulnerable.

I would continue to be friendly, but try to distance yourself a little more from her.

[frannie]

My Red Flags are going up all over the place here.

I think the hugging on your first meeting, the insisting on hugs at every meeting, the putting you and your ideas down, and the feeling of "uh-oh" you have when you are around her are red flags. Your whole body is reacting and you are trying to blame your low self-esteem. Predators choose those who don't listen to their instincts.

At the very least, I think she has boundary issues and her own agenda (which may or may not be conscious). I don't think the idea that she may be attracted to you is all that far off. Her own conservative beliefs may lead her to be unable to act on her sexual orientation. Having a relationship with you in other ways may still be her attraction to you.

If, God forbid, she is some sort of sociopath, she is in the perfect job to find and prey on people who are alone, lonely and vulnerable. Your physical illnesses and your complex upbringing make you vulnerable.

I would continue to be friendly, but try to distance yourself a little more from her.

I agree, specially with the bold

[GirlsMama]

Teachers sometimes, not mine, but my kids'. I always feel they know more than I do because they are Teachers, and also because I was a teacher's assistant, so they were also my boss.

I feel intimidated by Base cops too, because not only can I get in trouble with them if I do something stupid, but I can get my dh in trouble with them too. I have learned to drive s l o w l y.

[MissionaryMomma]

I'm like JD in this thread.

There is one of our missionaries that is so confident. Her confidence intimidates me. She cooks great. She looks great. She plays piano like I dream of. She's a great Mom. She's confident with her home-birthing non-vaxing non-circing choices. She's a lot like me, but a LOT thinner, fitter, and sexier. To be honest, I wish I was her. LOL! She's a dear friend. I wish I had her confidence because in most of the above, we're the same.

I have an inferiority complex. I think *nearly* everyone is better than I am. There are some people, though, who irk me. They're probably the only ones I'm not intimidated by.

I'm a doormat, really. A big, fluffy doormat. I'll let you walk all over me, so long as you don't irk me.

[Sputterduck]

I'm like JD in this thread.

There is one of our missionaries that is so confident. Her confidence intimidates me. She cooks great. She looks great. She plays piano like I dream of. She's a great Mom. She's confident with her home-birthing non-vaxing non-circing choices. She's a lot like me, but a LOT thinner, fitter, and sexier. To be honest, I wish I was her. LOL! She's a dear friend. I wish I had her confidence because in most of the above, we're the same.

I have an inferiority complex. I think *nearly* everyone is better than I am. There are some people, though, who irk me. They're probably the only ones I'm not intimidated by.

I'm a doormat, really. A big, fluffy doormat. I'll let you walk all over me, so long as you don't irk me.

Ha! See, I see you as someone who has it all. lol

You are in missions, which I hope to do! You have a bunch of kids and a loving hubby. You are a good Christian.

Those are all things I really look up to!

[MissionaryMomma]

Thanks, Sputter. Yes, I love my life. I'm comfortable with myself and who I am in these 4 walls. Really, I do have it all. I just have *issues*. LOL!

Let's take Amberry for example. She doesn't know how she could be intimidating. She's sweet. She's friendly. I'd love to be her friend, IRL. It's not her problem that I would find her intimidating. It's mine. I'd feel fat and ugly. I'm a giant next to her. LOL! I do think that in time, that part would soften for me. INitially, though, I'd be intimidated by her.

[ChristmasTree]

Is there something about her that reminds you of your mother?
Her age, smile, hair, it could be a small thing in combination with her mothering ways.

No nothing at all that reminds me of my mother, but just a Mother in general. i had bad mother issues when i was younger, but they have subsided and i no longer look for love from maternal influences. but it is almost like i am trying to put myself where i used be in life...looking for a mother. i am trying to tell myself, concede, let her mother you (but that would be the old me) Not the me now who doesn't need it. It is hard to get used to new skin sometimes. i had a really good therapist and she helped me get thru my "needing a mother" issues.

[ChristmasTree]

I personally have a problem with people who constantly try to push their views on me. I have no problem listening to what they have to say once, or even twice. But continually pressing their beliefs on me and putting mine down only outs them for being self-righteous and hypocritical. People should respect your opinion whether or not they think the same.
Have you mentioned to her how her comments make you feel? Not just arguing the point she's trying to make? She may not have picked up on your discomfort. (Some people just like to debate) If it were me, I'd explain how I feel. If she didn't get the message, I'd stop spending time with her.


As for this.... God only gives us what we can handle. You don't need "healing", you just need to have faith that you can overcome all that has happened to you. You need to examine and understand your fears and problems to work towards a solution.
Good luck.. and take care of yourself!

i totally agree with you.

i think i should work up the courage to talk to her, or email. i am pretty much shutting down at this point so i am not sure if it will save the friendship or not.

i think i might frankly say something like: Some things you have said to me are very intimidating and disrespectful towards my beliefs because they are not similar to yours. i have been made to feel inferior my whole life for who i am but i am grown now and i can make my own mind up. i can make choices that are right for me. and i need respect from you no matter what views i may hold that are different than yours.

how does that sound? not too harsh?

[ChristmasTree]

My Red Flags are going up all over the place here.

I think the hugging on your first meeting, the insisting on hugs at every meeting, the putting you and your ideas down, and the feeling of "uh-oh" you have when you are around her are red flags. Your whole body is reacting and you are trying to blame your low self-esteem. Predators choose those who don't listen to their instincts.

At the very least, I think she has boundary issues and her own agenda (which may or may not be conscious). I don't think the idea that she may be attracted to you is all that far off. Her own conservative beliefs may lead her to be unable to act on her sexual orientation. Having a relationship with you in other ways may still be her attraction to you.

I would continue to be friendly, but try to distance yourself a little more from her.

Thank you for this. Your words are very helpful. i NEED to listen to my body and it appears i am not doing that. The fact that i am this depressed over the whole situation is what got my attention, but not my reaction everytime i see her...hmmmm i would have thought the shakes and IBS would have been red flag enough from the beginning.

[Justicedog]

Any chance she's attracted to you? Or you to her? That's what the butterflies in the stomach and focus on prettiness made me think of.


That was my thought too, but I was too lazy to type it out. Also, she's invading your space, that can be uncomfortable.

[Justicedog]

Shut-UP!

You are smart and well spoken, I am not sure about assertive, but you sure are good at presenting and standing behind your opinion!

You so crazy.


"blush"

Thank you. I think it's a self esteem issue, which creates a self confidence issue and thus the intimidation. I've had it since before high school. I imagine I'll not get rid of it anytime soon. So, I fake it and try my best to keep myself in a comfort zone I have created.

[MissionaryMomma]

Me too, JD. Me, too.

[NewMum]

i totally agree with you.

i think i should work up the courage to talk to her, or email. i am pretty much shutting down at this point so i am not sure if it will save the friendship or not.

i think i might frankly say something like: Some things you have said to me are very intimidating and disrespectful towards my beliefs because they are not similar to yours. i have been made to feel inferior my whole life for who i am but i am grown now and i can make my own mind up. i can make choices that are right for me. and i need respect from you no matter what views i may hold that are different than yours.

how does that sound? not too harsh?

Not harsh at all. If she bristles or makes a snide comment back, I wouldn't worry about losing her friendship-you never actually had it. Besides, she's the one who'll be missing out. If she accepts this, I think it's a good start, but I wouldn't completely let my guard down either. Some people are manipulative, especially if they view someone as easily manipulated. If after given the chance, her behavior does not change, just end it. Don't speak to her, look at her, anything.

In general, keep working on your self esteem. Tell yourself that you are smart. Tell yourself that you deserve healthy relationships with friends. You deserve to be treated kindly and respectfully. Do this enough and you will soon believe it whole-heartedly. : )

Best wishes!

[jessiehannan]

I dunno. I am not intimated by much of any one. I don't like confrontation though. I've come along way though, I used to have anxiety attacks if I had to find my DH in the middle of a crowded theater, and things like that.

[The_Market]

Hmm...my Minister maybe? I'm alway saying the dumbest things to him because of it, too. That doesn't help. I cringe to remember some of the things I've said.

Other than that, sometimes if I'm attracted to someone inappropriate I feel intimidated interacting with them. It's not exactly them I'm intimidated about so much as being afraid of making a fool of myself by showing the attraction.

That seems to happen more and more often lately. I think it's because I have this friend who is really sexually charged and it's contagious. It would be good if I could point all that energy at my dh, but we're just not in that kind of place in our marriage right now. So, I find myself getting all tingly over people in any number of inappropriate situations. Mostly I think it's that I live in a college town...

[irisheyes81]

I do not get intimidated by individual people, but I do by large groups. I could not even speak in class without turning red and spitting the words out super fast just to get my thought out and be done with it.

[ChristmasTree]

Not harsh at all. If she bristles or makes a snide comment back, I wouldn't worry about losing her friendship-you never actually had it. Besides, she's the one who'll be missing out. If she accepts this, I think it's a good start, but I wouldn't completely let my guard down either. Some people are manipulative, especially if they view someone as easily manipulated. If after given the chance, her behavior does not change, just end it. Don't speak to her, look at her, anything.

In general, keep working on your self esteem. Tell yourself that you are smart. Tell yourself that you deserve healthy relationships with friends. You deserve to be treated kindly and respectfully. Do this enough and you will soon believe it whole-heartedly. : )

Best wishes!

Thank you for your words! They are so encouraging! :) (((hugs)))

UPDATE: i talked to her!

When i am really unhappy i get very quiet. she noticed that and has noticed it over the last year so she asked me what was wrong. i hesitated because i was so upset at how it might come out. But i got the courage to speak after she said, "well i am going to drive off if you don't start talking." (she did not say it in a mean way, but could be interpreted that way)

so i started talking. She apologized and told me she was only trying to get me to see things in another light. i basically told her that i was GROWN and i could have my own opinions and that i am a deeper thinker so i have already thought about the other side of things. that i have a right to make my own decisions and that i make good ones. she explained herself better on some things she thought may have been misconstrued when trying to get her point across as well.

all in all it was a great conversation and a great start. i am still very careful.

i have really had some major breakthroughs these last few weeks in dealing with my feelings. everything happens for a reason and that reason is for growth and i am damn glad for it because i have been stagnant for a couple years now.

thank you to everyone! you got me thru! :)