I officially let the nanny go today

[Mamacita]

Last night she sent us an e-mail asking if we could sit down and talk. She also wanted to involve a family member that is a social worker that could help us understand what the kids did is normal. This doesn't sit right with me. First, I don't need educating about what is right for my child. Second, I have done a lot of research in the last few days about sexual behaviour and toddlers. Mouth on or near genitals is always listed as possible abuse symptoms in every piece of research I found.

I tried to elude to the fact that she needs to investigate her daughter's behaviour and make sure she is OK but that was blown off. That is all I can do, now I have to see that this never happens to my kid(s) again.

In the meantime in-laws have asked several questions to Slade and all his answers are coming back normal and he appears healthy and happy. DH's work actually has a free family counseling service. DH and I are thinking about just the two of us checking this out and seeing where that goes. In the meantime I have started reading Protecting the Gift, suggested by Mrs. R.

I think I might have found a temporary Daycare option. I started looking for nannies and just can't get comfortable with trusting a stranger alone in our home with our kids. I just have to see how that goes with Mason. It might be that has to change when cold and flu season gets here.

On an odd note it was really hard for me to let her go. I didn't think what I was doing was a bad decision I knew it was the right thing to do. But this woman was a part of our life. Her kids and our kids were sort of like brother and sister. I cried and I don't understand it. I should be mad and yelling at her but felt like I had to show her compassion.

[KatieLou]

(((hug))) i really think you made the right choice, I was not feeling good about the whole situation. I understand why it was hard to let her go though.

O/T I really want to get that book sometime, it has been on my wish list forever!

[sweetkisses]

It is very understandable why is was hard letting her go but I do think you made the right decision. Things would not have been the same and you need peace of mind when you go to work each day.

I hate that she is blowing it off as no big deal. It could very well be nothing and just something her dd overheard or happened to see when no one knew but you better believe if it were my child I'd be investigating.

[Mamacita]

I am very comfortable with the decision. If we were wrong and we left them under her care we have a million times more to loose than if we were wrong and took them out of her care.

I think it is going to be hard to trust anyone else, EVER. She seemed perfect and we did lot's of checking etc before we hired her. So for now daycare it is! In a few months you will here me posting about constant colds and having to find a different place for Mason.

Katie Lou I linked your blog on mine. I love your pics!

[Nipple_nectar]

If I found my child mouthing someones genitals, it would be taken as a very big deal.

You did the right thing. I hope you feel better about it in a few days.

[Stephanie]

I am glad you at least have some closure now. I hope getting started with the new daycare goes well and Mason has an easier time this year.

[madelsmama]

You did the right thing. I'm sorry it was so difficult. How did she react?

[Mamacita]

You did the right thing. I'm sorry it was so difficult. How did she react?

Here is what she e-mailed us:

I wish your family the best and I truly pray that you find a place for Slade and Mason that you love and that God would use to bless you beyond measure. I understand and agree that this is what is best for Slade & Mason and for our family. It was great for a season, but change can be good and even great sometimes. God has so much in store for our families that I know a setback like this will not hinder the great things that are to come.


Thank you for allowing God to use you in my life to be such a blessing the past year. I thank God for how you found me and how everything has gone so smoothly in our time together. I think given different people and different children things could have been so much worse. I feel so blessed to have been connected with your family.

[txgrl16]

I'm sorry it was hard, I can imagine she was part of the family...but I agree to it was the best decision.

I too would be concerned if I caught my child doing that, her not investigating it is strange.

Good Luck with daycare, it'll be a transistion, but I bet he'll have fun :)

[NewMum]

I think given different people and different children things could have been so much worse.

Maybe I'm reading too much into this, but hopefully she means before this incident?
I would have had her reported and let the police investigate what had been going on, especially b/c she doesn't seem to think it's a big deal. Other children, including hers, could be at risk. What happened was not "normal" exploring behavior, no matter what she or her social worker says. It sounds to me like she is trying to cover her ass.

I think it's great you pulled your child from her care. I'd take the daycare cooties over an untrustworthy private dcp any day.
Kudos on the counseling thing, too. I'm sorry you are having to go through this. I know it can be very difficult. Just hang in there. : )

[StElmosFire]

:hug:

[threefunboys]

I don't really know the history here, but I can gather enough from what has been said. First of all--Eeeew! That is NOT normal for toddlers. They had to have learned it somewhere. (from her kids, maybe? Maybe they are the ones being abused) I would definitely get the police involved, if for no reason that just to make sure nothing further needs to be done (sometimes there's nothing they can do because, as we know, cops are bound by laws, too).

Second of all--maybe this is your wake-up call. If it were me, I'd take a long hard look at my finances and find a way for one of us to stay home with my kids. If it meant a smaller house, less "things," trading in a car, etc. it would all be more than worth it. I know not everyone thinks the SAHM lifestyle is "for them" and some women aren't married, which makes it almost impossible to stay home (notice I said almost--I know some people find ways to work from home), but really, having mom or dad being their primary caretaker is the very best gift you could ever give them. Period. They'd give it all up in a heartbeat to have mommy or daddy with them all the time. After that, I don't know how anyone could ever fully trust anyone with their kids.

HTH! And GL--I hope everything works out.

[Mamacita]

I am not comfortable calling the police on this family for many reasons. My family has gone to great lengths to get involved in their lives so we would have an inside window to how their family works and how that relates to our kids. We have babysat her kids so they could have date night and gone out on family outings with them. I feel like I know their family better than some of our friends and probably better than most people get to know their childcare provider. My gut isn't telling me that the mom or dad are hurting their kids but it is telling me that little girl has had something happen to her by someone else. I have discussed this with the mom and hope I have turned on some bells and whistles for her.

In regards to me quitting my job and staying home, you are the choosing the wrong person to get on this soapbox with. There are many women on this board some stay at home, some work and each has their own reasons. Some would like the other scenario but circumstances want allow and some are happy doing what they are doing. I support all of this. What works for one family is different than what works for another.

I do not work because I have to, I work because I am called to do what I do. I work at a great company that desires the quality of work I provide them and encourages me being a wife and mom first and employee second. Having my kids at my work is not an uncommon thing and I think they thrive from witnessing their mom work in what used to be called a man's world. They have seen me instruct contractor's how to build things and have taken great thrill in telling others that their momma built them a park.

I also understand how important my presence in their lives is and it is common for me to work a 1/2 day and then work late at night after they have gone to bed to get in the other 1/2 day. DH does not have a regular 9 to 5 job and is with them more than most dads. Although we have paid our nanny a great deal to be available to us 40+ hours a week she mostly works 20 hour weeks. We are with our kids whenever possible and she is there to fill in the gaps when neither of us can rearrange our schedules. We are their primary caregivers.

[madelsmama]

I'm glad to see your response, Janna. I have been sitting on my hands all day trying to refrain from responding to the above post.


Really, threefunboys, if you'd known Mamacita and all the details involved, you wouldn't have been so quick to judge her for WOTH.

[MrsKitty]

I am really happy about your response mamacita. When I read that yesterday I started and stopped atleast five snarky replies before deciding to wait until I could speak my mind without being rude or nasty.

[madelsmama]

Glad to hear I'm not the only one, MrsKitty. :)

[KatieLou]

Oh wow. Just WOW. I am happy about your response also.

Now, I will not say anything else.

[sweetkisses]

but really, having mom or dad being their primary caretaker is the very best gift you could ever give them. Period.

I thought the best gift you could give your child is breastmilk. Wow, I must be hanging out on this forum way too much.

In all seriousness though, threefunboys, you can't assume everyone can just find a way to stay home or wants to for that matter.

[whitnessforhim]

I don't know what to say exactly other than mamacita you sound like a fabulous mother!!

I hope you iron out the nanny situation soon and find someone that works well for your family.

[KatieLou]

Mamacita is a fab Momma.

I really want to go crazy on this, but i will refrain.

[OLDANDWISE]

WOW! As a first-time visitor to this site (looking for relactation advice for our DIL), I have to say y'all need to cool your jets! All 'threefunboys' did was SUGGEST a change in lifestyle. She didn't slam Mamacita or anyone else for being a WOTH and she didn't come across as being on a "soapbox" about it - just offering how an alternative could work. But then it's usually the WOTH folks who get their knickers in an uproar . . .

The SAHM/WOTH "discussion" has been going on since before most of you were born. Sorry to see for some of you that it's still an "us vs. them" issue, rather than a "we all do the best we can for our children given our individual circumstances" situation. A good mom is a good mom, period. What works for some doesn't work for all. We tried it both ways (25-30 years ago).

To each his (her) own . . .

Take care and hug your children lots . . . it all goes by WAY too fast!!!

[KatieLou]

Hi. Welcome to the boards. I hope you find the info you need for your DIL. Did you check out the relatation and adoptive bfing board?

IA the SAHM/working mom issue has gone on for decades. I do not consider it a us-vs-them issue at all. I am a SAHM and I sided with Mamacita on this. I think this was our point, that what works for some does not work for all, and yes a good mom is a good mom. Mamacia is wonderful mother. Mamacita was not trying to push her beleifs on anyone, or tell anyone that they have had "their wake up call"

If any belief pushing was going on at all here, it was from threefunboys.

[sweetkisses]

I don't think anyone defending Mamacita is making it is an us vs them.

The comment "the best thing for their child is to stay home with them. Period", that makes it an us vs. them. That statment is judging. So if anyone here was judging it was threefunboys.

[madelsmama]

Um, okay OLDANDWISE, that was constructive.

[MrsKitty]

maybe this is your wake-up call.

If it meant a smaller house, less "things," trading in a car, etc. it would all be more than worth it.

I know not everyone thinks the SAHM lifestyle is "for them"

but really, having mom or dad being their primary caretaker is the very best gift you could ever give them.

Period.



After that, I don't know how anyone could ever fully trust anyone with their kids.

HTH! And GL--I hope everything works out.

Nope. Not judgmental and pushy at all. Whatever were we thinking.

[OLDANDWISE]

I never felt Mamacita was being accused or needed defended from what was said. I guess I took 'threefunboys" response to be an attempt to offer a solution to Mamacita's situation. The simple fact that had there been no nanny, there would have been no situation, is just that - a fact. Not a judgement on anyone as a person or a parent. And to wonder how one "could ever fully trust anyone with their kids" after what happened isn't judgemental or pushy - sounds more like a sympathetic comment to me. Unfortunately no one can protect their children from negative experiences all the time, even if you're with them 24/7.

Were 'threefunboys' beliefs obvious in what she said? Absolutely! But it's hard to explain some things without how you feel creeping in. I did not see her response as an "attack" on Mamacita, but the responses to her were.

Like I said, I'm new here . . . don't know anyone . . . y'all just came across as the judgemental ones.

The important thing here is that all works out well for Mamacita and her little ones.

[PSMommy]

When someone is in your life as much as she was, it would be sad to see her go, she was a part of your family, but you had to do what was best for your boys. (((hugs)))

[Mamacita]

Thanks ladies, you are so awesome. I love you tons!

OldandWise if you had been on these boards for a while I think you would know that I have very specific ideas about how I think kids should be birthed, raised and fed. My role on this board is to be here to support someone who wants to consider those options but never force them on anyone who isn't interested and I expect the same from the other members. The biggest thing I have ever learned on this board is acceptance while being true to myself. If you had been here for a while I think you would also realize I don't leave posts like I did to the pp very often, I generally don't feel the need to be defensive. To vouch for the wonderful ladies that came to my defense they also don't leave posts like that very often either.

I did feel like I was being talked down to in her post. The comments such as this is my wake-up call, and have less things referring to my house and car and then insinuating that me and DH are not our kids primary caregivers was an insult. I was tempted to let it lie because I am very comfortable with working and the amount of quality time I spend with my kids. But there are moms on this board that struggle with having to work that need to know they are great moms. There are moms on this board that like to work and that is OK they are great moms. We all do the best that we can for our kids and we each make our particular situation work. That is what needed to be heard out of all of this.

I regret that one of your first posts happened to have been a more controversial topic. I welcome you to the boards and hope you stick around. The most fabulous moms in the world are on this board! I have grown a lot in the almost 4 years that I have been a BF.com groupie.

[ima062002]

I cried and I don't understand it. I should be mad and yelling at her but felt like I had to show her compassion.

I don't think you should feel like being mad at her. The only she she has done wrong is not to realize that her dd might have been abused and not wanting to even investigate the possibility. She hasn't done anything wrong with your kid. She just doesn't understand that there is something that needs looking into and fixing.