husband calls DS names

[flwrdrmgirl]

Just now, after my 3 1/2 y/o DS was trying to put the Legos away while his playdate was still trying to play w/them, I asked what's going on, and my DH says in front of us, "He's being a snot!"...ok, maybe that's not as bad as other words, but it's still a word..., then I said, "don't call him names" and my DH walked away in a 'snotty' way saying , "yeh, yeh , yeh" .

ARRRRRRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrrghhhhh! Doesn't it work this way? If you don't respect your kids, then they're not going to respect you? I JUST tried to speak to DH about respecting each other LAST NIGHT. And, once again, there is NO repect. We have problems. We need to go to therapy definitely. When DH acts like this, honestly, I can't get intimate w/a person who acts like they're 8 years old.

Any advice on how to approach these situations? I don't want to keep nagging DH about this, b/c OBVIOUSLY he just ignores everything I say. So irritating.

[SingingMom]

Therapy.

If he isn't listening, then you need to consider not talking. It's hard to balance this against the duty you owe your son- he deserves to be respected, as you said. But when someone isn't listening, talking more or louder doesn't often work.

You can try to frame your message in a different way. Instead of saying "Don't call him names", you can try "It's so hard for me to hear you say that sort of thing about your son." It's slightly less confrontational, and might be easier for him to hear.

When you are talking to your DH about respecting each other, are you telling him how to talk? Or are you telling him what you need? It's perfectly okay to tell someone, "It's hard for me to hear you talking to me that way." It's a little harder for someone to respond to, "We need to treat each other respectfully" when what you really mean is "Don't talk to me like that!"

The thing you really mean is usually coming through loud and clear, KWIM?

[flwrdrmgirl]

Oh, thank you Singingmom. That does make so much sense saying '"It's so hard for me to hear you say that sort of thing about your son." b/c it would make DH THINK about what he is saying. I sometimes want to break out the taperecorder so he can hear how he sounds.

I do say "We need to treat each other respectfully", but I will try your other approach next time (and I'm sure that will be soon) we have our 'discussions'. It's times like this when I really believe that women are truly the smarter sex. Men are still stuck in the womb.

Seriously. SOmtimes I feel like I have to treat DH like a child to make him understand, hence the nagging. I don't know how other couples w/kids manage to remain a happy family. My Dh comes from a family of 'yellers', so he's so used to it, and it doesn't 'affect' him when i do it. Ok, thanks again.

[SingingMom]

My DH also comes form a family of yellers. His ears stop working when voices raise. It's amazing how good he is at nodding, while actually thinking about something entirely different.

I have had to learn to be calm and just tell him what I need or want, without criticizing or nagging. Which was not easy, let me tell you. And it's hard, in a way that yelling is not...

Telling someone what you need can make you feel really vulnerable- what if he says no? But that kind of honesty pays off better, in a good relationship. After all, you will make it safe for him to tell you what he needs, as well...

My DH has learned to say (in similar situations) "I'm sorry- I'm so tired and cranky. I need to eat something and get a little rest." Which is so great for our children to see! An adult admitting he's wrong, apologizing, and handling the underlying problem.

[whitnessforhim]

I think singing mom has some really great advice.

I was a kid in a home where my mother used degrading words and yes, it does cause you to lose respect for your parent(s) as you come into adulthood. I hope things get better.

Let us know how it goes.

[USAFeyez06]

Marriage counseling... definately.

My husband does this with me sometimes (calls me names when he's angry - nothing horribly offensive, but still none-the-less a name). We did marriage counseling and did work in that respect. He doesn't do it anymore. We are working on other things as well... hopefully in time all these little things that add up to big problems will get better.

We had actually brought up divorce prior to going... so, overall... it's def. worth it and should lots. Individual counseling is great as well.

Good luck!

[michkatz]

Sorry for your difficulties.. I think singing mom and therapy are right. He just needs to relearn how to parent.. just probably never had that mutual respect thing when he was growing up. Its pretty common in my opinion.

I do have a funny story.. my daughter was crying and fussy while getting ready for bed. I pointed out she was probably tired. This prompted her to get even more cranky and start chanting.. I am not tired. Then, I said.. Well, you know how cranky mommy gets when she's tired.

My daughter stopped, looked at me, rinsed her teeth.. and said, I am going to bed. I am really tired.

[flwrdrmgirl]

Marriage counseling... definately.

.....
Good luck!


Did you have to pay out of pocket or was it covered by insurance? Honestly, I'm a student right now, so DH is covering all the bills, and he asked ,"who is going to pay for it?!" I know his insurance offers some counseling coverage, but I'm not sure if it's more psychiatric type.

[whitnessforhim]

My insurance covers counseling. You can seek out just a psychologist or a psychiatist. In your case I would think just a counselor/psychologist is what you need. Are you on DH's insurance? If so, you can call and ask questions about what exactly they cover.

If you have it all planned out with pricing and all then maybe he'll take you more serious and be more receptive to going.

Even if he doesn't want to go you can still certainly benefit from it even if you go alone. Tell him this is just something you need (even if deep inside you know its him who needs it).

[flwrdrmgirl]

Haha, yeh that is definitely true...
"Even if he doesn't want to go you can still certainly benefit from it even if you go alone. Tell him this is just something you need (even if deep inside you know its him who needs it)."

I can't seem to lower myself where I have to speak to him like a child...which I know that is what will work. Speak to him like an adult, and he gets defensive, and acts like ..a CHILD...and I'm his mother scolding him or something. Can you say annoying?!