How do I help DD?

[EvilAmy]

DD came out of the bathroom crying. She came up to me and told me "No one is going to convince me that I'm not fat, I weigh x lbs."

She continued to cry even though I told her that she was a beautiful girl, she is not fat, I told her that she was the same size as other girls her age (I phrased that last half better I just can't remeber exactly what I said). She told me that she doesn't want to school, though she still went and set out her clothes for tomorrow.

It's been going on for awhile. She has put on some weight and I chaulk it up to "baby fat" you know the gowing out before the growth spurt type thing.

How can I help her? How can I do this with out turning her into me? I deal with body issues but not out in the open, she sees me eating normally. I have ideas where she's been getting some of this from. There is a girl in the group of friends that is down right obssesive, talks about fat in food, fitting into a certain size. Her mom is more open about her obsessive behaviours in front of her and this girl is becoming a mini-her. I want my DD to have a healthy body image.

I've never went on about my weight in front of her. I don't mention "dieting" just eating healthy foods. I talk of being healthy and fit "getting in shape" when I have talked to friends. I've been careful and now my DD comes out at the age of 11 (her Bday is tomorrow) and is freaking out about being fat.

Help. I have too many demons in my closet to not to ask for help from y'all. This is something I CAN'T botch on the parenting level.

[Sunnie]

hmmm. First thing I'd probably do is put the scale away so that she can't be constantly weighing herself and obsessing, you know? Other than that, I have no ideas. I'm sorry. That must be hard.

[EvilAmy]

That was my first thought Sunnie, already did that when she went to bed. I really should just throw the damned thing away.

At least my brain to mouth filter was working well enough that I didn't tell her that the scale registers 6 lbs lighter.

[Tweet]

I agree with Sunnie. And just keep up the positive reinforcement..they need that in the face of what some friend say, kwim? It's amazing to me what some girls freak out about. Chloe, SIX year old Chloe, was on and on the other day about why her hair doesn't grow. She actually said if your hair is long, you get more friends and boys think you're hot. I about fainted. She had no idea what "hot" meant, but there's a girl in her class that has an older sis and you get the point.

Anyway, I'm not a huge help,sorry. Could you maybe google some books on the issue that are directed to preteens/teens? Surely there has to be something. If it gets serious, I'd of course suggest counseling, but it's not that bad yet, is it?

[EvilAmy]

Not that bad yet. I just worry that if I help without getting some ideas that we'll both need therapy. I know what it's like to go through it (and in all the wrong ways). However I don't know what it's like to help someone else with it. I worry my helping could end up hindering.

[vulturemom]

How old is she?

And I agree with sunny throw the scale out.

[PrincessEmilysMommy]

I'm sorry Amy.

I agree w/ putting the scale away too.

I truly hate that girls go through this!

[haleysmom]

I'm sorry :( I don't have much advice other than the modeling good behavior and putting the scale away.

[Givebac]

I don't know if it would help to discuss how muscle weighs more then fat. That weighing less does not equal healthy and it's more important to be healthy.

[Bohemian]

I don't have any experience with this or advice that hasn't been mentioned, I just wanted to say I'm sorry that your dd is going through this.

[kohlby]

I started feeling like my thighs and behind were huge at 11 years old. What helped me get through the pre-teen years, teen years, and beyond was recognizing what my body could do. I started running races when I was only 8 years old. I continued to be a long distance runner. I was aware that I didn't have the no-behind and stick figure of some teen girls, but I also was aware that I had much stronger legs and a much stronger body than other girls. (My weight was likely right in the middle of the fine category, with the exception of when I pudged up a little at 11 when I took a year off from racing).

There were definately still times when I wanted to be skinny. But settling for strong really helped self-image. (And eventually, I realized strong was indeed much better than skinny!) I'd focus on what her body can do physically. Encourage a physical activity to reinforce her body's capabilities.

[PSMommy]

Keep complimenting her. I know that would have really helped me when I was younger..

Instead of my parents saying, yes you could stand to loose a few lbs.... just keep telling her how beautiful she is.

[HammBugga]

I agree with Kohlby. Help her find something she is good at, something she can be really proud of. That is something that boosts self esteem from the inside out. And keep doing what you are doing, encouraging her along the way.

[still_me]

I started feeling like my thighs and behind were huge at 11 years old. What helped me get through the pre-teen years, teen years, and beyond was recognizing what my body could do. I started running races when I was only 8 years old. I continued to be a long distance runner. I was aware that I didn't have the no-behind and stick figure of some teen girls, but I also was aware that I had much stronger legs and a much stronger body than other girls. (My weight was likely right in the middle of the fine category, with the exception of when I pudged up a little at 11 when I took a year off from racing).

There were definately still times when I wanted to be skinny. But settling for strong really helped self-image. (And eventually, I realized strong was indeed much better than skinny!) I'd focus on what her body can do physically. Encourage a physical activity to reinforce her body's capabilities.


This. What about karate or something like that? She needs a self confidence boost and good for you to see that. Some parents don't notice it and the child doesn't get the help they need. You sound like a really good mom Amy.

I don't think she is too young for a talk about becoming obsessed either. You can point out that people who aren't happy with themselves tend to concentrate more on then negative than the positive.

[amkari]

I've actually worked with a few teens and pre-teens while I was managing my families 4 Curves locations...

Get her to focus on body composition... find a place to have her body fat tested and find out what a good percentage would be for her age group. Even skinny minny in a size 1 can be obese if body fat percentage is too high.

If you have a Curves nearby they will usually test it for you, we always have in our clubs even for non-members. It isn't extremely accurate below age 12 or 13 although it will give you and her an idea.

Help her find ways to exercise and be active. Anything resistance and strength training based will provide the greatest benefit.

[Earthmama]

Great suggestions already.

I'm sorry she's feeling that way.
Is someone calling her fat? If so, it might be a good time to remind her that just because someone else says that about her, it doesn't make it true.

And I totally agree with getting her into some kind of activity that helps her feel good about the way her body is built.

Bigger girls who are confident always have more social opportunities than the skinniest girls who are obsessed with their weight. Besides, talk about calories and carbohydrates won't impress many of her peers.

[Sym]

I feel for you. We are dealing with similar issues. I want to encourage healthy eating, activity, etc, but I also want her to know there is so much more to her, as a person, than a little bit of extra weight.

[HammBugga]

I've actually worked with a few teens and pre-teens while I was managing my families 4 Curves locations...

Get her to focus on body composition... find a place to have her body fat tested and find out what a good percentage would be for her age group. Even skinny minny in a size 1 can be obese if body fat percentage is too high.

If you have a Curves nearby they will usually test it for you, we always have in our clubs even for non-members. It isn't extremely accurate below age 12 or 13 although it will give you and her an idea.

Help her find ways to exercise and be active. Anything resistance and strength training based will provide the greatest benefit.
I'm sorry but a size one can NOT be obese. In any sense of the word.

[KaraJ]

Keep complimenting her. I know that would have really helped me when I was younger..

Instead of my parents saying, yes you could stand to loose a few lbs.... just keep telling her how beautiful she is.


This. Compliments go a long way. I could have used them as a teen. Instead, my entire family loved cracking jokes about how chunky I was. I took it all in good humor on the outside, but it actually really hurt my feelings.

[Earthmama]

I'm sorry but a size one can NOT be obese. In any sense of the word.


I took that to be a gross exaggeration - but by all means, show me the research.

[Tweet]

Well, would measuring her fat right NOW be the way to go? I'm just thinking back to when I was a teen. Everything to ME was OTT. If someone had measured my body fat , that would have made me feel even MORE fat.

[BeachMama]

I don't have any experience with this and I have all boys, so I doubt it'll ever come up. My first instinct is to be honest with her - don't 'dance' around it. If she wants to lose weight and you think it would be healthy (meaning, if she's overweight), why not help her?

[amkari]

I took that to be a gross exaggeration - but by all means, show me the research.

Obesity is not just weight or appearance, high body fat percentages are directly related to various health issues. Printed research could take awhile and with a 3wk old I don't have that much energy (or interest anymore since leaving the family businesses). lol

But... I had more than one member who was tiny, literally sizes 1-5, who had body fat percentages over 40%. On the other hand, I had members wearing sizes 12-18 who were in a healthy range for their age group.

Basically for a woman age 20-39 a healthy percentage would be between 5% and 33%, anything over that would be considered unhealthy and potentially obese. A teen would be towards the lower end of that.

[rock__]

I don't have any experience with this and I have all boys, so I doubt it'll ever come up. My first instinct is to be honest with her - don't 'dance' around it. If she wants to lose weight and you think it would be healthy (meaning, if she's overweight), why not help her?

I would not do anything to encourage my child to think her value or even health was linked specifically to a number on a scale. I think that can lead to obsession with weightloss that can lead to unhealthy habits.

I would focus on eating healthy and doing healthy things. Preteens can go through some bizarre fluctuations in weight to begin with, related to puberty. It's a tough age.

[JustMoi]

Take her to the doctor. Let the doctor tell her that her weight is perfectly normal and healthy for her height/age. Hearing it from a doctor may do a lot more than hearing it from you and can help to minimize the peer damage.

[Tweet]

I've thought about this a lot today. I think if it were me, I'd tell my own kid that what is important is to be healthy. Eating right and exercising helps to keep us healthy and feeling good. No one needs to be skinny. But healthy is good. And like the poster upthread suggested, seeing if she's interested in something like track,dance,martial arts, fencing,biking,skateboarding, etc..because it feels really cool to watch your body become strong.

[SingingMom]

I would start talking to her. Talk to her about your concerns. Talk to her about this girl. Listen to what she has to say. Talk some more.

Talk about how your body issues don't make you happy.

Point out beautiful women and talk to her about what makes them beautiful.

Turn off the television. Get rid of unhealthy marketing in your house. Your daughter is worth it.

Take her with you to try some of those activities PP have suggested. Show her that you think it's such a good idea, you'll do it yourself. Try bellydancing.

Talk to her some more about how her body is growing and what it needs. Talk to her about the difference between an eleven year old body and a mature woman's body. Talk to her about how her body needs lots of nutrients to mature.

Talk to her about what you love about your own body. Talk to her about what makes you feel beautiful and strong.

Talk to her about the media. Talk to her about how silly it is to let models define your reality. She doesn't, can't have an adult perspective on this- but she has you.

[Amberry]

Obesity is not just weight or appearance, high body fat percentages are directly related to various health issues. Printed research could take awhile and with a 3wk old I don't have that much energy (or interest anymore since leaving the family businesses). lol

But... I had more than one member who was tiny, literally sizes 1-5, who had body fat percentages over 40%. On the other hand, I had members wearing sizes 12-18 who were in a healthy range for their age group.

Basically for a woman age 20-39 a healthy percentage would be between 5% and 33%, anything over that would be considered unhealthy and potentially obese. A teen would be towards the lower end of that.

Under no circumstances would 5% ever be considered in a healthy range, even for an endurance athlete. Woman can stop menstrating if they get close to 15% and under. In fact, with a BMI of 17% at the begining of my current pregnancy my doctors encouranged me to eat more healthy fats, snack on nuts and not skip the butter my bread indefinately.

I have heard repeatedly that someone "can be a size 0 and still be obese" but I have never seen it. I am not sure where a person would store 40% of their composition as fat and fit into a size 0 or 1.

[NewMum]

I would start talking to her. Talk to her about your concerns. Talk to her about this girl. Listen to what she has to say. Talk some more.

Talk about how your body issues don't make you happy.

Point out beautiful women and talk to her about what makes them beautiful.

Turn off the television. Get rid of unhealthy marketing in your house. Your daughter is worth it.

Take her with you to try some of those activities PP have suggested. Show her that you think it's such a good idea, you'll do it yourself. Try bellydancing.

Talk to her some more about how her body is growing and what it needs. Talk to her about the difference between an eleven year old body and a mature woman's body. Talk to her about how her body needs lots of nutrients to mature.

Talk to her about what you love about your own body. Talk to her about what makes you feel beautiful and strong.

Talk to her about the media. Talk to her about how silly it is to let models define your reality. She doesn't, can't have an adult perspective on this- but she has you.


This. This. This.

A very close family member of mine ended up in a rehab center for an eating disorder as a young teenager. We wish we had recognized the signs earlier. It tore apart our family in some ways and we still are dealing with the effects.

The sooner you honestly address the situation, the better. :hug:

I wish you and your daughter the best.

[EvilAmy]

Well that is why I don't want to mess this up. I've BTDT but didn't get official treatment for it, but we touched on it when I was in therapy for something else when I was about 17. I can recognize all the signs, that is why I'm treading carefully. I don't want to trigger something in her.

C&P since I'm cross posting elshwhere.

Thanks again all. Lots to ponder.

I've been looking at her with a mother's eyes and not societies. I did some checking and she would be in the 94% as far as weight, she doesn't really look like it to me, just a baby pudgy belly. Unfortunately he favorite activites are seasonal (we've been in soccer and softball, both things she loves). Her other favorites are painting, singing, any thing creative. I plan on signing her and DS up for karate classes since they are close (14 miles is considered close) and it would be year round.

I know she has some eating issues that stem from losing someone close to her. It translated into eating out of boredom in the end. I don't keep a lot of sweets in the house but even healthy options add up when you consume too much.

I bought her some new clothes that she will love for her bday. I will continue to focus on all her positive aspects. I will find ways to keep her moving, though I doubt it will be with a video game. (snipped the rest that was irrelevent to here).

[kohlby]

Under no circumstances would 5% ever be considered in a healthy range, even for an endurance athlete. Woman can stop menstrating if they get close to 15% and under. In fact, with a BMI of 17% at the begining of my current pregnancy my doctors encouranged me to eat more healthy fats, snack on nuts and not skip the butter my bread indefinately.

I have heard repeatedly that someone "can be a size 0 and still be obese" but I have never seen it. I am not sure where a person would store 40% of their composition as fat and fit into a size 0 or 1.

Agree - 5% is way too low for a woman. My body fat got down to 10% at its lowest when I was competitive marathon training. I know it was too low, but since it was temporary, I let it stay down there until after a race. Normally, my body fat is around 14-15% when racing and I do still have normal periods at that level. (Though not at 10%!) When I'm going to ttc, I stop racing and cut down on my workouts to get to the 17/18% minimum since women who have low body fat or women who are underweight are more prone to miscarriages - and I certainly didn't need that! Some women will even stop their period if they're below 18%. I'm not sure where pre-teen and teen's girls bodies fit into body fat. I've seen all those skinny girls who can't have much fat on them. But for me, my body fat was naturally higher when I was a pre-teen/teen because I wasn't able to build muscle as easily as in my 20's. (And even 30's!)

A person can be a size 0 or 1 and be unhealthy. They might not have a too high body fat percentage, but they could be low on muscle. Body fat percentage is compared with total weight - not just compared with muscle. The only way a size 0 or 1 could be obese was if they were very short. I was exactly 4 feet tall when I was 11, so I suppose I would have been obese if I could have fit into a 0 or 1 at that time!

[SingingMom]

I've been looking at her with a mother's eyes and not societies. I did some checking and she would be in the 94% as far as weight, she doesn't really look like it to me, just a baby pudgy belly.

So what you're saying is, she really has something to worry about. And therefore, her obsession is okay?

Ummm, no.

Look, I'm sure you realize that kids going through growth spurts will swing around the weight continuum while their bodies get ready to grow. When one of my kids suddenly is in a higher weight percentile, I get ready to buy new clothes and shoes. Every time, the kid shoots up an inch or two and slims down.

I know she has some eating issues that stem from losing someone close to her. It translated into eating out of boredom in the end. I don't keep a lot of sweets in the house but even healthy options add up when you consume too much.

So she eats too much. Look, again, this can be a part of a growth pattern. Don't jump to assume that there are eating issues. It's possible that your kid actually needs the extra calories, and the extra fat, in order to grow.

And even if she is eating out of boredom, or has some sadness because of a loss, that would mean that you should help with the loss or the boredom. Get her crafts to work on, or books, or whatever.

I bought her some new clothes that she will love for her bday. I will continue to focus on all her positive aspects. I will find ways to keep her moving, though I doubt it will be with a video game. (snipped the rest that was irrelevent to here).

I think you're finding some positive things here, but I'm concerned about the overall take on it. It's more important, IMO, to teach your kid to handle herself and be confident in herself, than it is to have her in the right weight percentile. I'm concerned because you said that you have issues around this yourself- so I'm hoping that you can have some confidence that your daughter will be okay.

I teach my kids to pay attention to how hungry they are, and how full they feel. I don't try to control how much they eat, even when they look a little chubbier than normal. Over time, they balance themselves out.

I want them to grow up to be adults who can handle making food choices all by themselves. I don't handle it for them, I try to teach them how to handle it.