"I hate you!!!"

[Tweet]

Does anyone ever hear this from their kids?

My son is now fond of saying this, no screeching this, at me when angry. I suspect he picked it up from dd1 when she was his age and saying it.all.the.time.

How do you handle it? It is grating on my nerves. I usually just say, "Sounds like you're pretty angry/frustrated/sad/whatever emotion" or"I'msorry to hear that. That sounds rough" and then go about my business. However, I'm getting really fucking sick of hearing it.

[HammBugga]

Not yet but I'll be reading so I know what to do when the time comes.

[Babyhellfire]

Ugjh. Its still at " I don't like you!" - or even " I don't love you!"
I say
" I am sorry you are mad/frustrated ,I will always love you and that is not a nice thing to say"...but i can't say that works really :(

[vulturemom]

I have heard that from my 14 y/o more time then I care to keep track of.

I just say I am sorry that you feel that way but, I love you.

[Sputterduck]

My son doesn't know that word. I mean to keep it that way for a long as possible.

I would not tolerate that at all. There are okay ways to express your feelings and there are hurtful, mean ways. Hurtful and mean are not allowed in my house. The earth would stop moving if he ever did that here. :p

[Tweet]

Yeah? What would you do if he said that to you on a regular basis, SD?

We never use that word here, but dd1 picked it up from a kid at preschool a very long time ago. It was not easy keeping that word out of our house once they started to going to preschool and playgroups.

[Sputterduck]

Yeah? What would you do if he said that to you on a regular basis, SD?

We never use that word here, but dd1 picked it up from a kid at preschool a very long time ago. It was not easy keeping that word out of our house once they started to going to preschool and playgroups.


I would end whatever he was doing, and bring him to his room with that omg-mom-is-really-upset face, which is the worst thing in the world to him right now. It would not matter what was planned, or what we needed to do, he would be in his room. If he were saying it over, for example, not getting a toy, I would ban all toys for a day. All of them. I tolerate many things, but hurting a family member is 100 percent never okay in my house.

[Tweet]

And what happens when he still says it because now you've taken away all his toys, his tv time, etc etc and there's not a consequence left really, and he just keeps it up when he's angry?

[Babyhellfire]

Really the only times Rory has ever said it have been after the OMG face- or while she is IN time out with no privileges...

[Sputterduck]

And what happens when he still says it because now you've taken away all his toys, his tv time, etc etc and there's not a consequence left really, and he just keeps it up when he's angry?


If everything breaks down in my house, we tomato stake. He is by my side 100 percent of the time, until I can trust him to behave. It starts out with no toys at all. If he is going to act bad enough then he can sit next to me while I go about my day with nothing to occupy him. If he is good for say, 15 minutes then he can earn a toy to play with.

A few months ago I was on this site completely panicked because my son was acting soooo bad. I had never seen anything like it. It went on for 1 or 2 weeks? What finally stopped everything was tomato staking. He was on the floor sitting next to me no matter what I did. The only way for his life to start moving again was to behave. I also took all of his toys and stuffed them in the closet. He earned them back one by one. That isn't my normal brand of discipline, but he had completely broken down and did nothing but Scream and cry all day long for days and days. I finally had it, his universe came to a crashing halt, and he and I learned a lot from that experience.

And it worked. I think that was a needed really big limit test for him. He did everything he was not supposed to and kept it up for a long time. I carefully showed him exactly where his limits are, and now he follows them. It required no loss of temper or control on my part. Quite the opposite. It allowed me to very calmly teach him exactly where his behavior must stop. When he went beyond that, he started from ground zero again. My angel came back and he is even better behaved than before. And I don't think he'll go there again. He has a really clear picture of what will happen and he knows he doesn't like it and it isn't worth it. :)

[Sputterduck]

Basically, he can keep it up as long as he wants, but he will have no life in the meantime. Toys and play and fun are big motivators.

[Bohemian]

They don't say that but I get "I don't love you anymore!" and "You're mean or yucky mama!"
Also my 3 year old hisses at me. Like a cat.

I just say "well, I still love you" or tell them it's okay to be angry at me and that they can say they are mad and don't like me right now but that's not okay to insult me.

[SingingMom]

I get it, but it doesn't bother me all that much.

I usually just let it go with a "You sound pretty mad" kind of comment. But after awhile, I will let the four year old DS know that we are done with it for the day.

I have to say that this "tomato staking" thing works really well for me also, although I don't use it a punitive measure exactly. I don't take all the toys away or anything. What I do is a little different. When one of the kids proves me to me that he or she isn't handling life well, I put him on mom restriction. He has to be in the same room with me, within sight. All the time. And I intervene actively with no warnings on behavior that is not optimal (which is to say, that I will take away the toy the kid is arguing over, or assign some work or chores to do, or whatever.)

I find that spending the time with me tends to get the kid flying right again. It makes him feel more connected to me, and safe, and lets him know that things are under control. After an hour or so, usually the kid on restriction is sitting next to me on the couch, and we are both reading or something.

[Tweet]

Yeah, I don't think I'd be taking toys away for that because while I think it's important to keep reminding that it's not nice to say, I think it's more about not being able to grasp the appropriate words in the heat of the moment. I'm not so sure that deserves a punishment as far as he's concerned, tbh. I guess I'd rather be able to teach him HOW to slow down, think first before speaking and instead say, "I'm angry" . I don't want him not saying because he's afraid of the punishment..I want him to do it because he's learned the appropriate language, if that makes sense. Who knows, I may change my mind.

I know DD1 did it for a while when she picked it up from her friend, but it passed. I don't really remember what I did, though. It's all a blur to me now since so many things happened during that time.

[Sputterduck]

Tomato staking is great as a non-punitive thing, too. :) It's awesome for bonding and my son loves it for happy times. :p

[Sputterduck]

Dd3 does a version, she will tell me "I am angry with you!" when I don't comply to her demands. I just tell her that she is allowed to be angry, but I am allowed to decide when or if she gets gum/candy/etc.


That's different to me. That would actually be allowed in my house. That's a great life skill. lol

[Tweet]

Yes, that would be a RELIEF and I'd jump for joy if he were to spout that off right away!That is appropriate,imo.

[SingingMom]

I think that is a fabulous life skill. A girl should be able to say "I'm so angry with you!"

Nothing wrong with that, at all, at all, and a great many things right.

[Sputterduck]

Dd1 has said she hated me before, when she was angry. And it is not a word we use or a phrase we say. Sometimes kids get frustrated and need to express themselves, regardless of the rules you establish. Dd1 is not a hurtful or mean child, she was just frustrated and mad. She has learned to express herself using different terms, but her saying it didn't negate my mother of the year award.


Of course it didn't. You still get to be mother of the year. :p

[KaraJ]

I would end whatever he was doing, and bring him to his room with that omg-mom-is-really-upset face, which is the worst thing in the world to him right now. It would not matter what was planned, or what we needed to do, he would be in his room. If he were saying it over, for example, not getting a toy, I would ban all toys for a day. All of them. I tolerate many things, but hurting a family member is 100 percent never okay in my house.

I agree with this, but I haven't had to deal with this yet, so I really don't know.

[SingingMom]

I have a totally different attitude toward this. I just don't find it that hurtful. A kid gets angry, expresses himself inappropriately, no big deal. It's my job to teach him how to handle it better, and I'm too old to get upset about the anger of a young kid.

I also cannot- cannot!- let my older kids get the idea that something like this is worth a lot of energy from me. They would work it even harder, to get the reaction.

I feel that part of the trust my kids have in me is that I save extreme reactions for things that are extremely important. And, for my kids, putting on The Face and doing a one-on-one talk in the room is pretty emotionally intense.

[cream_city]

Does anyone ever hear this from their kids?

My son is now fond of saying this, no screeching this, at me when angry. I suspect he picked it up from dd1 when she was his age and saying it.all.the.time.

How do you handle it? It is grating on my nerves. I usually just say, "Sounds like you're pretty angry/frustrated/sad/whatever emotion" or"I'msorry to hear that. That sounds rough" and then go about my business. However, I'm getting really fucking sick of hearing it.

I haven't read the thread yet. I'm about to get off the computer. But when my son does this I ignore it initially. We have a house rule of "no disrespect," so if he keeps it up/adds other insults to the mix, I calmly cite the rule and give him a time out. Then we move on.

[cream_city]

Sputterduck -- I think that reacting that strongly to a child saying they hate you is taking it too personally. They don't even really know what they mean -- they're just angry.

With my son, if I did react that strongly, he'd know he was onto something big and powerful and I predict I'd be hearing a lot more "I hate you"s.

I try to blow it off, as much as possible.

I'm not a fan of tomato staking, however, either. It feels overly controlling to me (my son is almost 6, though). So we're probably coming from pretty different places.

[Sputterduck]

Sputterduck -- I think that reacting that strongly to a child saying they hate you is taking it too personally. They don't even really know what they mean -- they're just angry.

With my son, if I did react that strongly, he'd know he was onto something big and powerful and I predict I'd be hearing a lot more "I hate you"s.

I try to blow it off, as much as possible.

I'm not a fan of tomato staking, however, either. It feels overly controlling to me (my son is almost 6, though). So we're probably coming from pretty different places.

Not taking it personally. It's just a line we don't cross here.

[AuLait]

My 4 year old has just started saying this to me and his sister. It REALLY devastates his younger sister. She came to me, weeping, that her brother no longer loved her. That wasn't ok with me.

When he yelled it at me, I was pretty shocked, but I told him right away that we don't talk that way to anyone, but especially our family. He can say "I'm so angry with you!" or, "You're making me mad!", but you cannot say, "I don't love you anymore" or "I hate you".

When he did it again, he sat on the stairs for his "break" to think about what he'd done and why it was wrong. When he was ready to talk he came out from his break and I asked him what he'd done wrong. He told me that he'd said that he hated me. I asked him why that was wrong. He said that it was wrong because it hurt my feelings and it was a lie (that part warmed my heart up a bit) and that it was mean. Then I asked him what he would do next time when he was feeling very angry, and we discussed various ways he could release his anger and find a solution without saying hurtful things to his sister and I. Then we hugged it out :)

That whole break, think about what you did, come out and talk, and answer three questions (what did you do, why is it wrong, and what will you do next time) and then end on a positive note, was a new technique I heard about in MOPS and I have to say that it has worked well with both kids. I like that it teaches them to take responsibility for their own actions and think about different solutions. Its also kept me from yelling and getting so frustrated that I over-react. If the problem reoccurs multiple times in a day then they get a consequence.

[Babyhellfire]

I don't think "tomato staking" would work well in DDs case. We tried it when she was younger....but she seems to NEED time on her own to calm down. She has been known to send herself to her room when she gets frustrated.
and she is also often perfectly content for long periods sitting next to me,as long as she can hold my hair.

[Sputterduck]

I don't think "tomato staking" would work well in DDs case. We tried it when she was younger....but she seems to NEED time on her own to calm down. She has been known to send herself to her room when she gets frustrated.
and she is also often perfectly content for long periods sitting next to me,as long as she can hold my hair.


That's really cute. lol Every child is different. One family I know has 2 daughters. One loves to clean and must be moving all the time, and the other hates to clean and would sit all day long doing nothing if she could. They discipline the first by sending her to her room, where she gets bored and it works. They discipline the second by making her work and clean and it works. You gotta know your kids. :)

[SingingMom]

You gotta know your kids. :)

That's the truth!

[Tweet]

I don't take it personally. I did with dd1..was crushed, even. But I learned, lol. It's just fucking irritating is all. And you KNOW it's bad because dd2 then says it to her baby dolls, lol. I'm quite sure it won't be long before she says it to me, too.

I'd just looooove for him to be able to identify the emotion and remember to say THAT instead. I'd be thrilled. And I'm sure combined with everything else he does it just seems magnified right now.

Tomato staking, non punitive or punitive would drive me nuts, I'm afraid. I need some space.

[SingingMom]

Well, geez, it's not my favorite way to spend the day, but I do it because it works for my kids. Honestly, I find myself holding off on it because I just feel crotchety and don't want anybody close.

Not that you need to do it. I just find that it pays off for me.

[Tweet]

It's interesting, this book I;m reading right now, Scream Free Parenting, claims that these other books that teach techniques are much like, "Fido learned it and your child can, too!!" ., which made me laugh. I see the point, in a way. This book talks about turning the focus back on ourselves, and watching our own reactivity. It's an interesting perspective. However, he hasn't gone on to give examples of how to keep your cool in the heat of the moment. Maybe he doesn't want the adults to feel like Fido :)

[Tweet]

Well, geez, it's not my favorite way to spend the day, but I do it because it works for my kids. Honestly, I find myself holding off on it because I just feel crotchety and don't want anybody close.

Not that you need to do it. I just find that it pays off for me.


I'm sure if it wouldn't put me in a horrible mood, I'd try it, too. I wasn't even that good at babywearing, honestly. I was relieved when they all got too wiggly to want to stay in a sling.

[Bellaelle]

My oldest has said it a few times and my 6 year old, too. I don't let it bother me. I just tell them that is fine and to remember they hate me when they want me to buy something for them etc.

Tomato staking would drive me over the edge. No, thanks.

[HIJKMommy]

I use to say it to my mom all the time as a "teen" though. The only thing that made me think about my actions is when she actually told me, " I hate you too." I was absolutely devasted. I do not think this is something that would work with a 4 year old though. I think I was about 15 when my mom did it.