Please tell me what you would do?

[Mommy2Ella]

I havent been posting here long, but where better than an anonymous message board to post a problem.

Well... my husband had/has a sex addiction. I knew this when I met him-it kinda made things interesting in the beginning. We did anything and everything together. Since I have been pregnant and had the baby, my sex drive died. We tossed the evidence- and I thought that was that.

Now. this month, I have been dealing with viruses on my computer. I had friends checking and I finally dished out the $40 for the whole package of McAfee. I find they all came from his username. I looked through his history and learned that he is looking at videos before work, after work, on the days he is home from the work and caring for our daughter. He seems to be sneaking down here at 1am some days and staying up late to play XBox when infact, he is online looking. There is a site called RedTube or something that does videos for free.

I am sitting here bawling because he cared more about the fact that he hurt my computer than the fact that I am totally crushed. This isnt the man I thought he was. I am devastated.

[Sputterduck]

I am anti-porn. You will find that most women here think it's not a big deal.

How does he feel about porn use? Can you guys do something to help him get some of that energy out? It's really terrible to need some and not get any.

[Nipple_nectar]

Why do you say this isn't the man you thought he was? You weren't aware of him watching internet porn until now? Do you think he wasn't doing it all along, even before he met you?

So, you've stated that you knew from the beginning that he has a sex addiction, you didn't know about his interest in the internet porn?

[Mommy2Ella]

I am not anti porn, but he has been lying to me for almost two years. It was a secret he felt he should keep from me. I just feel betrayed.

[Bellaelle]

I am so sorry. I, too would be upset. It is one thing if both spouses are on the same page about porn, but when one clearly is not thrilled with it, the other should respect that.

[pawprint]

Porn is not a problem in and of itself. Sex addiction is. One of my very best friends is married to a sex addict. He had to do in-patient treatment. He has to go to meetings nearly every day. (SA- Sex Addicts anonymous.) It is a real disease adn needs real treatment. It's not something that is going to go away.

If these are the things you caught him with there are probably worse things you don't know.

[Mommy2Ella]

We tossed the evidence- and I thought that was that.

I meant we tossed all of our videos, toys, etc... anything of that nature. We were giving it up as part of our young relationship and moving on to parents. He is such a great father, he and I have a good sex life. I jokingly complained that we didn have enough sex lately, but he never says a word.

[Nipple_nectar]

Okay, so you did just find out about the internet porn. Did you ever discuss with him, your objections to it? So, did the two of you view porn together but you are not comfortable with him viewing porn by himself?

You mentioned doing videos for free? Is he making videos?

[pawprint]

If he is truly a sex addict he can't just toss it, kwim?

[MrsKitty]

One thing I would do is not tell someone who is a sex addict that they don't have sex enough lately.

[Rizzae2]

I won't talk about my ex... that was.. yeah.. um..

but my fiance.. there isnt any porn here. but he does see it when hes away from me for long periods of time. I actually sent him a "toy" but when he's home there is no use for it. he has me..

i dont mind porn in itself.. but once he replaces me with it.. then i got problems.

[pawprint]

Spend some time reading this site: http://www.saa-recovery.org/

There are SA groups for spouses and other people whose lives are affected by sex addiction also.

[TayNRobbiesMom]

I won't talk about my ex... that was.. yeah.. um..

but my fiance.. there isnt any porn here. but he does see it when hes away from me for long periods of time. I actually sent him a "toy" but when he's home there is no use for it. he has me..

i dont mind porn in itself.. but once he replaces me with it.. then i got problems.


thats pretty much our policy. that and don't leave it on the pc to where the kids could accidentally get it.

I am gone 3 nites a wk...he looks. no biggie.

[Rizzae2]

my ex didnt get any help till after i was gone.. but it was too late for us to try again. plus,... that wasnt the ONLY reason i left. but.. i hate the fact it took me leaving for him to get help. i hope you dont have to do that. years and years i got onto him about it. it made me feel unattractive. i hope you guys get something worked out.

[Mommy2Ella]

Okay, so you did just find out about the internet porn. Did you ever discuss with him, your objections to it? So, did the two of you view porn together but you are not comfortable with him viewing porn by himself?

You mentioned doing videos for free? Is he making videos?


We never really discussed my feelings about it. I talked to him about his constant need to sexualize everything. He saw a counselor for a little while. He really seemed better. I shouldnt have mentioned this part. He was never diagnosed as a sex addict, but that is what we called it here. Nipple - the question about the videos. I meant he is finding porn videos for free on that site. He isnt doing any... we have no cameras. And he is not that tech savvy.



The porn is not the issue. The fact that he has been sneaking around, hiding it from me. It could be chocolate or money for that matter. It is the fact that he was sneaking around doing something he thought I wouldnt like. Wouldnt you be upset if your husband was doing something/anything behind your back?

[Givebac]

I meant we tossed all of our videos, toys, etc... anything of that nature. We were giving it up as part of our young relationship and moving on to parents. He is such a great father, he and I have a good sex life. I jokingly complained that we didn have enough sex lately, but he never says a word.

Why did you feel you had to give up the videos and toys to move on to being parents? You can have both. It's like you're changing the rules in the middle of the game.

[Rizzae2]

Wouldnt you be upset if your husband was doing something/anything behind your back?



yes! When there's no trust.. it really ruins a relationship.

[Mommy2Ella]

He keeps coming down to check on me. I stopped crying. I guess it isnt the worst thing I could have found out, but it isnt the best either. I am not sure now how I feel at all... I was heartbroken at first.

[Rizzae2]

Why did you feel you had to give up the videos and toys to move on to being parents? You can have both. It's like you're changing the rules in the middle of the game.

ita!

[Bohemian]

I'm sorry mommy2ella. Porn in itself is not the problem but addiction to it is very much a problem. Having the internet is going to be like an alcoholic having a bottle a booze in the kitchen cupboard. I personally would remove anything from the house that would be tempting, including internet access. Really this only going to work if he realizes he has a problem and wants to do something about it. If he does not, he will continue to seek it outside of the house.

[Mommy2Ella]

Why did you feel you had to give up the videos and toys to move on to being parents? You can have both. It's like you're changing the rules in the middle of the game.

When it came to giving them up, he was the one who initiated giving away the videos. I think our daughter picked up a case from our dvd collection and he was like "thats it." He made it seem to me that he changed for our daughter. He wouldnt want her to see this stuff or grow up thinking it is ok for daddy to look at this stuff. It was clues like this that made me think it was a phase of our relationship that passed.

Well, we used to have Naked Wednesday. We kinda had to change the rules with a baby in the house. I didnt think of it like changing the rules mid-game, I had thought we both evolved to different people.

[Rizzae2]

Taking away porn isn't going to do anything. It didnt in my house. And you certainly don't want him going out of the house to seek it. That could lead to more problems. Gotta find a different approach.

[Nipple_nectar]

Oh yes, lying would be a dealbreaker for me. I find omission as a form of lying. Was he hiding it because he is ashamed of his behavior or did he just not want you to know? That might be of relevance for me.

I tend to agree with Paw, if you are in this for better or worse, I would look into seeking active treatment. Is he willing to get help or is he comfortable with his level of participation in the relationship?

Mrs. Kitty~ she is telling him she is not getting enough interaction/sex from him. If he is jacking off with the computer while she sleeps then that is a problem if she has been replaced with that:( He needs to know that side of it.

The only issue I see is that you really didn't clearly lay the boundaries. Now, you have the arduous task of trying to trust him again:(

[Rizzae2]

exdh and i had our stuff in a tub.. put away.. get a lock box ;)

[Mommy2Ella]

Thanks guys. I dont know if I feel better or worse. I have to talk to him and address this, but not tonight. I will catch him tomorrow after work - maybe while we are at the gym or before bed.

[Nipple_nectar]

Well, I'm sorry but I think you need to find out why he was hiding it from you and also if you think it is at a level that he needs intervention.

You also need to think about what is acceptable to you, so, you can create clear boundaries. Make sure and tell him that you miss having an exchange with him.

[Born_a_Diva]

Why did you feel you had to give up the videos and toys to move on to being parents? You can have both. It's like you're changing the rules in the middle of the game.

Yeah...that wasn't fair to him. I posted something similar but I was asking what is considered too much masterbation. My dh told me that he masturbates up to 3x's a day...I thought it was excessive, for several reasons but...like you, my sex drive is at 0 so...I guess he's got to get it somewhere.

Your dh probably thought that he was "mature" and didn't need to have that need fulfilled....which to me is kinda silly. Relax...talk it over and either give the guy some or leave him to get satisfaction from porn.

[still_me]

Born_a_DivaYeah...that wasn't fair to him. I posted something similar but I was asking what is considered too much masterbation. My dh told me that he masturbates up to 3x's a day...I thought it was excessive, for several reasons but...like you, my sex drive is at 0 so...I guess he's got to get it somewhere.

Your dh probably thought that he was "mature" and didn't need to have that need fulfilled....which to me is kinda silly. Relax...talk it over and either give the guy some or leave him to get satisfaction from porn


Okay, first of all WTF?


OP, Listen, it doesn't matter what anyone on here thinks really. What matters is that you felt betrayed due to his lying and addiction. Period. That is the issue here. He didn't go to porn because he isn't getting some. KWIM? He went there because of an addiction. That has to be acknowledged and something has to be done about it. I suggest you both go to counseling before this disrupts your life more.

[Sashahomeschoolmama]

The only thing I can think of to say is, when someone tells you who they are, believe them.

I guess it's a little too late for that now.

[Drama]

When I was younger porn bothered me alot. Now not at all.
He doesn't share it because he's embarassed I'd guess. I don't tell dh when I take care of myself (no porn but does it make a difference?).

ask yourself honestly if it has been having a neg impact on your life first and go from there.