Husband support

[smllfry]

My husband and I are disagreeing. I don't feel like he is completely supporting me. He is very against breastfeeding in public. He is afraid other guys are going to look at my chest, or I'm going to make other people feel uncomfortable. He wants me to go to the restroom. I find it hard to relax and breastfeed in a nasty public restroom. I think it would be much easier to have her in her sling nursing or with a blanket. Any suggestions for breastfeeding in public? and getting him to understand?

He is also against co-sleeping. I love it. I love being close to my baby as much as possible. He is afraid that she will get too used to it and never get out of our bed. I get much better sleep if she is with me. He also thinks that I hold her too much and that she is getting to used to being held. I tell him that there is nothing wrong with wanting to be held. He hates to read or else I'd show him what I have read and researched on attachment parenting and co sleeping. Any suggestions on getting my husband on the same page as me?

[Psyche]

For the first, I would just do it. You really aren't showing much when you're breastfeeding in public. However when *I* was uncomfortable nursing in public (and now that I have another small one and cannot latch on discreetly), I have a bebe au lait nursing cover. I don't care if people know what I'm doing. I do care if they see my nipple though. So until Jon gets older I'll use the cover.

As to co sleeping, are you co sleeping or bed sharing? If you're bed sharing would he be more comfortable with the baby in the room in the crib? I told my DH when Caden was a baby that he was in bed with us or in the crib in our room unless HE wanted to get up and fetch him every single time. That pretty much sealed the deal.

You might also remind your husband that how you start is NOT how you finish. There is plenty of time for the baby to sleep in her own bed.

Also for some things I told DH why I wanted things to be a certain way and that was how I was going to do it. If he could find verifiable reasons to the contrary, I'd read them and discuss the issue with him. However I was not going to change my mind just off of unsubstantiated opinion.

[sunnystars]

im sorry youre not 100% supported by your dh, that makes it hard on you i know. well about nursing in public...i would just explain to him the whole reason women have breast is to feed their children. ask him if he would like to go eat his lunch in the bathroom? or would he want you to go to a public restroom to prepare his food? as for embarrassing other ppl...get over it. society has made breast sexual objects when in fact, they are feeding devices! if ppl dont like what youre doing then they dont have to look. once you get the baby latched on, nursing in public is so discrete, rarely ppl even recognize what youre doing. it just appears like youre holding your baby. and as far as him thinking youre holding the baby too much, educate him on this: small babies NEED to be held alot. this is how they learn. when they are comforted and their needs are met fast, they feel safe and secure. they realize when they need something, if they cry, you respond. therefore, in the long run, makes for a more confident baby b/c they know what to expect. if you dont hold your baby or respond quickly to their cries, it makes for a more insecure, scared child. crying is their only communication. theyre crying b/c they need something and this is their only way to express their needs to us! so explain to him, theres no such thing as spoiling a newborn. you are actually helping them learn and reach milestones by holding them! now about the co-sleeping...psyche has a good idea. tell him if he doesnt want the babe to co sleep then he can get up at every cry. also try to explain the advantages of nursing in bed. more sleep for all of you! best wishes hun!

[Psyche]

Also are these his ideas or is someone whispering in his ear? MIL? A co worker?

I also think most men's concerns with bedsharing/cosleeping is fear that they will no longer be able to be intimate with their wives until the baby moves out.

[gravel10]

1st kudos to you for being brave enough to nurse in public. That is a great accomplishment. I cant at all I am such a pansy. I go to the rest room or my usually is to go to my car. I think you are super brave and deserve massive pat on the back.
I am sorry you hubby feels the way he does. Maybe he would feel more supportive if he could hold you when u nurse so he can get in on the bonding.
My hubby to hates my dd in the room and refused her in the bed at all past 6 weeks.
but I kept her in there till she was out growing her crib, and once he saw me cry my eyes out night after night watching the monitor with her in the big room all by herself. he buckled and let me take her in and nurse her a lil each night in bed.
Can you get support from any one else mom, sister or friend. Sometimes hearing it form someone else helps.

Maybe you can serve his meals in the bathroom each night and make him go fetch it a few time. hehe jk

again I offer you so many kudos for BF in public you should be so super proud of yourself.

[lolabear]

about the NIP you should just tell him its uncomfortable and i doubt guys are going to be trying to get a look at your chest b/c you're feeding a baby. i NIP whenever needed and most people don't even look or just look for a second. theyre going to look at your chest if youre wearing a low cut shirt LOL

i go thru the co-sleeping thing with my dh also, ds wakes up all night long and he sleeps right next to us in a co-sleeper but its still easier for me if hes right in the bed and he wakes up less often. what i do is start the night out in the co-sleeper and the first time he wake up he is with me the rest of the night ;)

[Jacksmommy]

I wouldn't ask my husband to eat in the bathroom. I won't feed my child in a bathroom. Nobody looks. I've never been gawked at while NIP ever. Co-sleeping is the best way to ensure baby and mom get a good night sleep sometimes (for those of us who are comfortable with it). That's more important than any fears of the future my dh might have. Incidentally, we did co-sleep. We stopped at age 2 because ds outgrew the need and seemed to sleep better on his own after that. We meet baby's needs at the time. Their needs change. Doing something today does not mean having to do it forever.

[gavinsmama]

if its that your hubby feels like hes losing intamate time with you. then after baby falls asleep go make "whoopy" somewhere exciting. on the washer or dryer..or in the living room. something to make it "fun" for him. As for feeling like baby will always be in bed with you. 2-3 years is nothing in comparison to the long term benefits it will have. and tell him that. What I do with my hubby that doesnt like to read is we sit in bed at night and i read outloud to him.

good luck

[momoffive]

When I NIP, I basically get ignored. Nobody wants to see it. In my area I feel like I am the only person that BFs. I am also the only one that wears her baby. My husband doesn't mind my NIP because I helped him to realize that it is the baby's bottle, not a sexual organ. I am able to do it very discreetly.
We also sleep with the baby in our bed. When my husband kept waking up in the morning to find that I had slept all night in the rocking chair b/c I passed out there at a midnight feeding, he didn't argue with me anymore. Jonathan and I are much happier and well rested in the mornings. Also, he starts out in his crib in our room. That way we can have our intimacy when we go to bed, then the baby wakes up, and I bring him to bed.

I also like the idea of getting a friend or family member to help support you. It's hard fighting battles all alone. I wish you all the best.

[Nipple_nectar]

Instead of focusing on all these things individually, I would focus on your DHs inability to support you unless he is truly vested. I would have a conversation with him about how it makes you feel.

My DH was always squeamish about NIP but he supported me because, he knew I needed the support in order to be confident in that environment. Would he eat in a bathroom stall in a public restaurant? I bet not. All your asking, is for equal treatment.

[dodoe80]

I find that when you nurse if you are comfortable and confident that chances are people around you will be more comfortable around you while you are nursing, even if others do have a problem with it. I stopped careing about who saw what while NIP when I was on a camping trip and baby had a crying fit. I tell you my boob was hanging out ther and I didn't care. Still not sure why he was crying, didn't wat the boob.

As for the unsupportive husband, I feel for you. Many people here find that their husbands are not as supportive as us women wish they were. Some of the time the men simply don't know they are unsuportive or just don't know how to be supportive. An educated man makes a big difference, however my man didn't see the need to be educated about brestfeeding while I was pregnant and probably will never research the information himself, though he did look through a couple of baby books that had been given to me that were laying around the house. My DH finally stopped being uncomfortable about NIP when I told him that he had more of a problem with it than I did. He eventually became more comfortable about it but not all do.

Sleeping in the same bed, I wish I could have done this during the first 6 months but DH wouldn't let it happen. So we compromised and had the baby sleep in our room. That made a big difference until DH's snoring started waking the baby up every hour. So at 6 months DS went to his own room.

I only BF the baby in the resroom once and said I would never do it again. All the flushing was bothersome to DS and there was no comfortable way to do it. Using the sling I found to be very healpful with discresion while nursing when you are out and about.

The only advise I can give you is to keep talking to him about your problems and try to inform him on your research and opinions.

[smllfry]

Wow thank you everyone for your responses. I'm glad to hear that I'm not the only one that has a husband just not understanding at first, but that it gets better.

DH is getting much better with the night routine. It is just so hard to get her to sleep in the bassinet, even though it is in our room. I don't think she likes it. I try at the beginning of the night to get her to sleep in it. If she does, sometimes we are intimate. Or sometimes in the morning I'll put her in there (if she's sleeping) so we can be intimate and I can get a shower. That seemed to help out a lot. If I try more than a couple times or more than a couple hours to get her in there, then she just comes to bed with me. He seems ok with this. I don't think he's being truthful of the reasons why he doesn't want her there.

I think MIL could be causing some of it. She is a very opinionated woman and I remember that she had a problem with SIL sleeping with her baby. DH usually doesn't care what any one else thinks but... he could just be hiding why he feels the way he does. I don't think it's anyones business. So why even tell them, especially if you know telling them will just bring criticism.

NIP is still a problem for DH though. As much as I show him how discreet it is and even ask if he wants me to buy a cover, he doesn't like it. He wants me to pump more so that we can take bottles with us. This is such a pain. This is one of the reasons I wanted to BF, to cut down on the diaper bag hassle. BM has to be kept cool so it's an even bigger pain than formula. My sister does this bc she is uncomfortable NIP. To her it is worth the effort so she isn't a good source of support there. She has been a great support person though.

Oh the reading outloud thing does work! That's how I got him to stop wanting to use the pacifier all the time. Maybe I should get together some co-sleeping info to read to him. I think if he realizes that other people do it too and it's actually good for baby and mom, then he'll feel better about it. I'll still have to work on the NIP.