Am I being a mean mom?

[3girls2luv]

DD1 went to her bed at about 10p last night and DH and I told her not to be on the phone since it was after 10p and a school night. Well at about 6:45 am she strolls into my room and says "can I stay home I'm sick" I asked what was wrong and she did not have an answer so I made her go to school after I checked her out.

She seemed a bit tired so DH went online to see if she was up on the phone late and she was texting until 2am. So now she is texting me telling me she is "dying" and can't make it through the day. I text her back and told her that if she feels that bad she needs to go see the nurse and if she is really sick the nurse can call me. Am I being too mean by making her stay at school? She just sent me another text telling me that if she dies it will be my fault becuase she can hardly breath and is having trouble making it up the stairs. I did call DH and asked him to check on her though. He works at the intermediate campus but is at the HS right now working on the surveylance cameras. I feel bad but it is her fault so please tell me I'm not an awful mom.

[tata]

How old is your DD?

This sounds like some shit I'd pull when I was a teen. Staying up too late and complaining the next day. While I'm sensitive to the different circadian rhythm of teens, I do believe that there is an important lesson to be learned here.

If you are really concerned, pick her up.

Just my $0.02.

[MiMi_of_4]

I agree with tata.

[Monkeytoes]

You are not awful at all. Maybe now she will learn her lesson that staying up late does not mean you get to stay home and sleep. ;) If she really is sick, she would go to the nurse.

[SingingMom]

Bring her home, and take away the phone. Or leave her at school and take away the phone.

A mean mom doesn't let her kid learn that there are consequences in life. A mean mom lets her daughter grow up unprepared to take care of herself.

I'd straight up tell her "Wow, you must be exhausted after staying up till two last night. No wonder you're having a tough day. How do you plan to get through it?"

I'd also ask if she'd like to talk about whatever was so dramatic that she stayed up till two. If there was something going on with a friend she might need someone to talk to.

[3girls2luv]

I can't go pick her up, her school is like 30min away from where I work but DH works there so he will check on her. If she was really dying I think the nurse would be the first to know. I honestly think she is just very tired from being up late. I feel bad but yet I know she brought it upon herself. Oh BTW she is 15.

[KerryS]

That's absolutely how I would respond. In addition, I would have my child go to bed an hour earlier tonight to make up for last night, and I would not allow my child to have his/her phone in his/her bedroom at night anymore.

[3girls2luv]

She was texting her boyfriend and DH said they were arguing on the phone this morning too. (this was before DH checked on line). I was thinking about talking to her and telling her that if this does not stop I will have to talk to her bf's mom about the late night texting. She is just like me as far as wanting her son off the phone at a certain time so I know she would not approve of this at all. I am sure her son is feeling "sick" today as well.

[KerryS]

Can you take her phone away at night?

[3girls2luv]

We normally have the phone off and on the table but her darn cat went crazy and knocked over every thing in her room and broke their little alarm clock so they used the cell phone as an alarm clock until we go get another one. DD1 was camping with the youth group this weekend and her cat did not do well in her absence and went into a destructive phase.

[SingingMom]

Most phones can show the time (do any not have this capability?) Your daughter could have and should have been able to figure out what time it was. I can understand texting until ten-thirty, or eleven, but two in the morning?

I would take the phone away. Use a watch as an alarm clock, or whatever. But don't wait to see if this stops. Talk to her boyfriend's mom right now! Take the phone away right now. Nothing sends a stronger message than action.

Decide what kind of behavior you want to see in order to give the phone back. Let your DD know that if she can't respect reasonable boundaries, you will see to it that her schooling doesn't suffer until she is mature enough to take care of herself. It's not "mean"- it's a teaching opportunity. You don't yell at her, or call her names. You just let her know that if she can't respect your reasonable rules, you will take care of business.

She can fight with her boyfriend during the day.

[KerryS]

I'd also go out today and buy a cheap alarm clock so that she no longer "needs" the cellphone to get up in the morning.

[Iconoclast]

No, I am a mean mom, lol. You have been far more lax than we would have been. There would have ben serious hell to pay for direct disobedience in the first place. Slogging through the school day isn't the least of it. My teen would be grounded for some period of time, and penance would be included in the form of physical labor of some kind (car waxing, window washing, base board scrubbing, the whole Cinderella treatment).

Were she my teen, she would not have had a cell phone or any telephone in her room in the first place, but at the very least, that phone would be shut off permanently. The young man would be instructed he could call once a day, before 9pm, and the conversation would not last longer than 20 minutes.

[Hennyetta]

I'd get her up in the morning myself until you can replace her alarm clock. And I'd take away the phone. And tell her if she is DYING to go to the nurse or call 911. otherwise I'll see ya when you get home from school for a little chat about disobeying the rules.

[3girls2luv]

I like your way of thinking Icon and this maybe her punishment as well. She has bible school tonight and she *will* attend and DH says we should take her phone away until she can prove that she can be resposible instead of grounding her for 2weeks. I will call her bf's mom this evening after I have a long talk with dd. Bedtime for dd2 is 9p so I am wondering if dd2 was kept up late as well.

[JudyJudyJudy]

No, you're not being mean. I'd take her phone for a while.

It irritates me that she is texting you while in school. She shouldn't be using her phone during school unless it is an absolute emergency, and, no, this doesn't qualify.

[KerryS]

It irritates me that she is texting you while in school. She shouldn't be using her phone during school unless it is an absolute emergency, and, no, this doesn't qualify.

I agree. That alone would cause me to take the child's phone away. I'd be tempted to look at her texting history and I would be that it's regularly being used during school hours.

[Nipple_nectar]

I would have to agree that she has clearly demonstrated that she is abusing your trust by not respecting your boundary WRT the cell phone.

I would take it away for a long period. I would skip the convo with the BFs mother.

[3girls2luv]

She was on her lunch break when she was texting me. They are allowed to have phones in school but are only allowed to use them during lunch and before or after school. They must be off and out of site during class. I have checked her history by the way just to be sure she is not using it during class. We went through this whole ordeal back when dn had his phone taken away for having it in his pocket in class. We told dd that she better not be using it in class and she was not.

[SueDid]

I'm not sure why you're bringing the bf's mom into it at all. She may not have a problem with her child being on the phone late at night and it not her job to police your daughter.

I think the phone would be mine for a week, then after that it would be handed to me when she went to bed every night. There is no reason she needs to have it in her possession overnight.

[Sputterduck]

This is a lesson best learned early. I know because I was on the phone until 3am last night and I am 28. lol

You're not being mean. You're being kinda lax I think.

[steelady]

I would have to agree that she has clearly demonstrated that she is abusing your trust by not respecting your boundary WRT the cell phone.

I would take it away for a long period. I would skip the convo with the BFs mother.

I take my nieces's cell phone after she keeps texting. You should get the phone at 9:00 pm no exceptions until she can demonstrate she can follow the rules.

If she is that sick (can't walk up the stairs) then she sure as shit needs to get to the nurse (or have a teacher walk her there).

I dread the teenage years.

[3girls2luv]

Lax? Really? I have not yet begun the punishment since she is still at school and I did not know about the late night texting until after I was at work. I will see her today at 5p and we will have a little discussion about our house rules.

[SueDid]

Unless it's more than a discussion, it's lax. She was told not to use the phone, she did. For FOUR hours.

Steel, the teenaged years aren't always a nightmare. We're on our 4th teenager and it's been quite wonderful here. I hope the same for you!

[3girls2luv]

She will have her phone taken away along with computer privleges for as long as it takes for her to realize she is to obey our rules at all times and she will be given extra chores as well as an earlier bed time.

[JustMoi]

How old is she? regardless... I'd be enforcing a bedtime and I'd be confiscating her phone. She would no longer have the phone at all except at my discretion, and that would be rare. Not mature enough to have one.

[pawprint]

Lax? Really? I have not yet begun the punishment since she is still at school and I did not know about the late night texting until after I was at work. I will see her today at 5p and we will have a little discussion about our house rules.


Don't let it get to you. I obviously don't have teenagers yet, but I certainly know some and I think posts like Icono's are way, way OTT.

[NewMum]

How old is your DD?

This sounds like some shit I'd pull when I was a teen. Staying up too late and complaining the next day. While I'm sensitive to the different circadian rhythm of teens, I do believe that there is an important lesson to be learned here.

If you are really concerned, pick her up.

Just my $0.02.


ITA!! I did this quite often when I was her age!
FWIW, my mom never bailed me out, either... and I don't think she's mean. : )

[3girls2luv]

With teens or at least my teen you have to be careful not to push to hard but you do have to set limits which they will try to break from what I have learned. She just needs to be reminded that I am watching and when she steps out of bounce she will be penalized. DD1 has always tried to push her limits since the day she started talking which was at around 7mos. She tries to convince you that she has a reason for breaking the rules and you are supposed to say "oh ok so you broke rules abc because of xyz, ok I see now run along." I have to remind her that rules are rules and there are no exceptions.

[3girls2luv]

Well I'm off to set her straight. She told DH that she is sooooo sick and just wants to go to bed when she gets home. I have news for her.

[JudyJudyJudy]

With teens or at least my teen you have to be careful not to push to hard but you do have to set limits which they will try to break from what I have learned. She just needs to be reminded that I am watching and when she steps out of bounce she will be penalized. DD1 has always tried to push her limits since the day she started talking which was at around 7mos. She tries to convince you that she has a reason for breaking the rules and you are supposed to say "oh ok so you broke rules abc because of xyz, ok I see now run along." I have to remind her that rules are rules and there are no exceptions.
I totally understand about not pushing too hard, but you definitely have to find a balance. You aren't doing her any favors by doing otherwise. Good luck.

[Iconoclast]

I admit paw, we are strict parents. no child in this house will ever jave a phone in their room, cell or otherwise. My kids are very priviledged, some might say spoiled lol. However, as spiderman said, to whom much is given, much is expected. Disrespect is intolerable, a lesson my kids know well by 15.

[Givebac]

Good to know she survived school. :)

[SueDid]

LOL, Givebac.

I totally understand about not pushing too hard, but you definitely have to find a balance. You aren't doing her any favors by doing otherwise. Good luck.

And I totally agree with this. While I said a discussion wasn't enough, I also think the stated punishments were a bit much.

For me, the bottom line would be no phone at night, indefinitely. I seem to remember other issues with the phone, too, and 3girls said she felt her dd needed her phone during the day in case of emergency. I have mixed feelings on that, but not my kid, not my choice. I'm pretty sure that she won't have to worry about a phone necessary emergency in her room at night, though, LOL.

I have a friend who didn't push hard enough and she has an 18 year old who still acts like a 14 or 15 year old. Everything is about her, she knows how to manipulate her parents to get her way, and now she has the "but I'm 18" card to toss in there, too. I feel sorry for my friend, but at the same time, after hours and hours of walking and talking, it seems pretty clear why things are happening the way they are. Unfortunately the teen years is really too late to change the dynamic of a relationship. It can be done, but it won't be easy. At all.

And because I have to throw in the disclaimer...I totally realize that someone can do everything "right" and kids can make bad choices. In the case of my friend, I think that she was too much a friend and not enough a parent to all her kids and I think it shows.

[MoonBound]

My parents had this really annoying phrase: If you are going to stay up and hoot with the owls then you have to ready to shriek with the eagles.

If I stayed up I was staying up all day. Dad Always seemed to know and wake me with the 1812 overture or Jethro Tull. Really Loud. If I had stayed up on a weekend I was helping clean the house - not as a stated punishment just we are doing this now. On I school night I knew damn well I better go and make it and not complain about being tired either.

[Tweet]

Bring her home, and take away the phone. Or leave her at school and take away the phone.

A mean mom doesn't let her kid learn that there are consequences in life. A mean mom lets her daughter grow up unprepared to take care of herself.

I'd straight up tell her "Wow, you must be exhausted after staying up till two last night. No wonder you're having a tough day. How do you plan to get through it?"

I'd also ask if she'd like to talk about whatever was so dramatic that she stayed up till two. If there was something going on with a friend she might need someone to talk to.


I wholeheartedly agree with this. And I think the response is perfect. It doesn't sound defensive or accusatory, just putting the decision on the dd on how she will handle it. Sounds like a good logical consequence to me. And I agree about maybe asking if something was wrong that she was up so late. Depending on that answer, I may or may not take the phone away for a bit.

I'm thinking going through the day feeling like ass might be consequence enough, but that is me. If the rules continued to be broken, I'd obviously reconsider.

[Crabbie]

IMO, you play - you pay. My SIL has her dd check her phone in at night. If it isn't on the desk when SIL goes out to the livingroom at 5 am the phone is taken away for a week.

[3girls2luv]

Ok here is how it went lastnight.
Me- dd how did the rest of your day go?
dd- it was terrible I can not believe you did not pick me up, I'm going to bed
Me- no mam come right back here we need to talk
dd- about what?
me- about why you were up so late at night
dd- I was not!
me- I printed out your cell phone record
dd- explodes I can't believe you would believe a computer over your own daughter
me- can you prove that you were not on the phone
dd2- (joined in in my defense) I can prove that you were because you kept me up too.
dd1- ugh this is rediculous I'm going to my room
me- hand me your phone
dd1- slams the phone on the table
dh- um dd that is not the way to treat that phone

Well at this point my patience was wearing thin becuase she had tried to lie to me. Her punishment is no phone for 18 days which the number of calls and texts that appeared after 9p. She was sent to bible school last night and she helped dd2 with her math project while I was doing my presentation at babies r us. She seemed well rested this morning but she is giving me the silent treatment because she insists that the computer is wrong. She erased her text messeges before she got home so she has no proof otherwise and there is a witness who came foward as well. I have not asked her why she was up so late but we will talk more tonight once she calms down a bit.

[maksmom]

In my house, lying will get you a far worse punishment than owning up to your behavior. And this is explained when the punishment is handed out. I think you handled it well.

[Iconoclast]

LOL, Givebac.



And I totally agree with this. While I said a discussion wasn't enough, I also think the stated punishments were a bit much.

For me, the bottom line would be no phone at night, indefinitely. I seem to remember other issues with the phone, too, and 3girls said she felt her dd needed her phone during the day in case of emergency. I have mixed feelings on that, but not my kid, not my choice. I'm pretty sure that she won't have to worry about a phone necessary emergency in her room at night, though, LOL.

I have a friend who didn't push hard enough and she has an 18 year old who still acts like a 14 or 15 year old. Everything is about her, she knows how to manipulate her parents to get her way, and now she has the "but I'm 18" card to toss in there, too. I feel sorry for my friend, but at the same time, after hours and hours of walking and talking, it seems pretty clear why things are happening the way they are. Unfortunately the teen years is really too late to change the dynamic of a relationship. It can be done, but it won't be easy. At all.

And because I have to throw in the disclaimer...I totally realize that someone can do everything "right" and kids can make bad choices. In the case of my friend, I think that she was too much a friend and not enough a parent to all her kids and I think it shows.

ITA w/ Sue. I am far more stringent than many here, and my dh is even moreso. I don't know what is right and what is wrong, I just know that the "strict" approach has worked well for this family. Both at home and at school, my kids have experienced very strict codes of conduct. I did not have to deal with the kind of behavior you describe past the terrible twos/threes (I did have one dc who had temper tantrums into about age 8, but he didn't defy us outright). I am not telling anyone how to parent their kid. My comments are simply coming from a mindset that is more discipline and obedience oriented, for better or for worse.

My child would be severely punished for an outburst such as you describe. We simply do not tolerate that kind of disrespect, period. She would have lost the phone already, but certainly now! 18 days, is a hoot, IMO. I am only telling you this to assure you, you are not a mean Mom. Tell your ten she is lucky she is not Iconoclast's dd. ;)

Teens can be tough. Most of my "teen problems" stemmed from hormonal imbalances and subsequent moodiness, which, frankly, I do not suffer gladly. It is OK to be a pissy litte shit in the privacy of one's own room. It is not OK to inflict said pissiness on the rest of the family, lol. This applies to the moody adults around here too. "cathug"

[JustMoi]

Only 18 days? Given the attitude, I'd have not only taken the phone away indefinitely AND instituted some other punishments - like loss of computer privileges, television privileges, etc. There is NO excuse for backtalk like that. If she thinks life is hard now, she ain't seen nuthin' yet.

[3girls2luv]

I guess I should have mentioned again that she is in counseling right now for anger inssues due to the changes in her life. We spoke with the counselor about how she jumps from normal conversation to heated argument in like 30secs. and he told us to "disengage" when she becomes defiant and let her walk away to her room. Once she is calm then we are to sit down and sort it out calmly starting where she left off. For example "yesterday when you slammed the phone on the table it really was inappropriate and unacceptable so this is how we are going to deal with it....." So this is why I did not add the new punishment right away but I will.

[SingingMom]

I'm not a big fan of punishments, even for moody and defiant teenagers. I am a big fan of teaching a teenager how her responses don't work to get her what she wants. I'm a big, huge fan of consequences. What you want is a kid who will grow in to an adult who understands how to take care of herself, how to negotiate politely with others, how to handle conflict reasonably, all that stuff.

I think that "letting" a defiant teen walk away to her room is great, honestly. It's way better than having her stand and scream at you. Knowing when to walk away is a valuable skill. Yes, she probably needs some other skills as well; like some more patience, and some self control. But you have to start where you are.

In your case, I would have let her walk away. And when she wanted her phone back, I'd say "Oh, are you ready to talk calmly about that now? Great. Now we're going to discuss how you're going to show me that you are ready to respect my boundaries about phones. Do you have any ideas about that?"

Like Tweet, I feel that feeling crappy is a fine consequence for not getting enough sleep, and most teens are smart enough to figure that out, with maybe a little guidance. Like some other parents, I would tweak the environment to make sleeping in very difficult. Also, for moody teens, I think sunlight and exercise are a big help.

OTOH, I think strict and demanding (as long as it's consistent and reasonable) discipline can work pretty well with most teens. It's just not my style. Well, not when it comes to punishments. I just have to think about it as consequences, and teaching- or I get sucked in to power struggles.

[Sputterduck]

I think her attitude is far more worthy of punishment than the original disobedience. I would soooo make that clear to her. Here is x extra punishment because of the way you reacted.

What are the normal consequences for that attitude? What have you done to make it not worth it to her to act like that?

[3girls2luv]

Normally I would have made her come back and place that phone down nicely then we would have talked about how slamming things down would not be tolerated AT ALL. Then she would get pissy and start to raise her voice causing me to raise mine and we would end up in a screaming match and she would storm in and out of her room telling me how unfair I am and what an awful mom I am. She went months without phone, internet, and was not allowed to leave the house for outings with her freinds. It was hell for all of us because she did everything in her power to make everyone in the house miserable. We have another counseling session coming up next week so hopefully we can hash this out with the counselor. I have to step back when I see her start to boil over but I do have revisit the situation once she has calmed down. I cannot let her continue to yell at me and I can not shout over her voice either.

[JudyJudyJudy]

Ok here is how it went lastnight.
Me- dd how did the rest of your day go?
dd- it was terrible I can not believe you did not pick me up, I'm going to bed
Me- no mam come right back here we need to talk
dd- about what?
me- about why you were up so late at night
dd- I was not!
me- I printed out your cell phone record
dd- explodes I can't believe you would believe a computer over your own daughter
me- can you prove that you were not on the phone
dd2- (joined in in my defense) I can prove that you were because you kept me up too.
dd1- ugh this is rediculous I'm going to my room
me- hand me your phone
dd1- slams the phone on the table
dh- um dd that is not the way to treat that phone
What about you? This entire conversation is certainly no way to treat you.

[Iconoclast]

I'm glad you are in therapy. That suonds like more than "normal" teen boundary testing. You are not a mean mom. Good luck.

[JudyJudyJudy]

I'm glad you are in therapy. That suonds like more than "normal" teen boundary testing. You are not a mean mom. Good luck.
I agree with this, too.

[3girls2luv]

What about you? This entire conversation is certainly no way to treat you.


I agree but this child of mine has issues and I hope that therapy will help because so far nothing has helped.

[monkeysmom]

Your DD sounds just like my 13 year old step-daughter. I just today took her phone away for a week because I had taken it away 1 week ago (she was due to get it back thurs) and last night she snuck into the drawer where I had hidden it (underneath all her brothers diabetic supplies) and texted a friend for half hour or so. I told DD we should ground her for a week-no winter dance this friday night-and he said, well she really wants to go to the dance and she needs a break from her brother and it would get her out of the house. Now, I had taken the phone away originally cause she was yelling at me and her father and I'm tired of her BS and I want her to go live with her mom. But DD feels bad for his kids cause their mom is a scumbag alcoholic. But I told him anyway, either she goes or you all go cause I'm not raising my daughter around all the yelling crying and general BS. So he agreed that he will back up my punishments from now on. (yeah right) Im the one stuck home with them all the time. Anyway, Im sorry, I tend to babble about these step-kids. My point is, to the OP, it sounds like you're doing what you think is best for your DC, and you are in no way a mean mom-although your kids will probably think you are. But maybe try to remember how you felt about your mom when you were 15. I heard a long time ago that if your kids don't hate you, then you're not doing your job as a parent.

[Psyche]

Wow, monkeysmom. Truely no snark, but you all need to get some counseling. That's messed up.

I'd act up too if I knew my step mom didn't want me and my mom was screwed up. She probably doesn't feel loved or wanted.

[SingingMom]

I didn't hate my mom at fifteen. I don't think that's necessary. I don't think any of my siblings hated my parents as teens, either. We got frustrated by them, or annoyed, but we definitely did not hate them.

[Sadalsuud]

I heard a long time ago that if your kids don't hate you, then you're not doing your job as a parent.

Wow.

As for the op, I'm glad that your dd is going through counseling for her anger issues. I think you did right by not letting everything get to the point where both of you have lost your tempers. If I have learned one thing, it is that keeping your temper is the best thing you can do for yourself, and for your dc. Even if that means stepping back until you feel that you can keep yourself together.

I really don't think that my older dd will be too much to handle as a teen, she is too much like me. My younger dd, otoh, is making me dread it, she is very much like my sister. Hoo-boy.

[JudyJudyJudy]

Originally Posted by monkeysmom
I heard a long time ago that if your kids don't hate you, then you're not doing your job as a parent.
I missed this before. It's sad that whoever told you that believes it and has apparently made you believe it as well. Kids most certainly don't need to hate their parents. Ideally, kids will love their parents and feel safe going to them when they need them.

[3girls2luv]

Ugh last night she tried so hard to push my buttons over and over until I just had to leave the house. No matter what room I went to she made sure I could be bothered. I asked her why she felt like she needed to start an arguement with me and she said because I don't care about her and if her BF breaks up with her it will be my fault because its always my fault that she does not have friends. She did everything in her power to piss me off she even shoved dd2 into the wall and scaped her arm. This is when my mom stepped in and said that I should just get out of the house so I took dd2 for some dinner. I really can not take much more of this and I am glad I work late tonight so I don't have to hear her accusing me of being a bad mother to her. I never yelled at her I remained calm and used therapeutic communication with her but nothing worked it seemed like she would stop at nothing until she got a rise out of me. So I had to step away.

[monkeysmom]

Psyche, its not that I don't want her here and she knows that, its that I refuse to be constantly abused verbally by a snotty 13 year old who thinks that she is the boss of the house. I have suggested counseling for her and all of us as a family, but she doesnt want to go so her father wont make her. As for my comment about your kids hating you, to explain myself, I didnt take it to mean that your kids should just hate you in general, but if they dont get mad at you here and there, then theyre getting everything they want all the time. I didnt hate my mother, either, but I wasnt always happy with her decisions.

[Iconoclast]

I raised my eyebrows the first time I read Monkey's comment, but I shrugged it off, assuming she was using hyperbole. Ater her clarification, I understand better and agree a bit. I feel that it is not my job to be my teens friend. It is not responsible parenting for me to capitulate when we have a conflict, so that the teen is pleased with the outcome. Negotiation is not always the best approach. It is my job to follow through with what I think is best, no matter how much they dislike it, or me, at the time. I am not dealing with the 'step' issue, thank dog, and my hats are off to all of you that do. It is a whooooole nother layer of worrying about detailsI can't even imagine, I'm sure.

3girls, you sure have got your hands full right now. Putting her hands on her younger sibling that way is a huge nono. I'd have completely lost it. I think you dealth with it quite well. Where is your dh in all of this? I apologize for comparing your 15 y/o to my then 7 y/o, but it is the only experienceI have w/ tantrums. When that dc would have a tantrum, I packed him off to his fathers office and let dh deal with him. Dh never once spanked a kid, but he has a very stern persona and instantly commands quiet obedience just by his countenence. The tantrum kid hated having to drop everything and go to Daddy's office. Daddy was none too pleased w/ it either, but I'd just leave him there and let them sort it out. I took him to play therapy for a while and he grew out of it. I doubt the same scenario would work for you (unlikely the 15 y/o wants to color her feelings, lol) but I do think your dh needs to be more involved than I have the sense that he has been this week.

that, and I think the 15 y/o needs to be locked in a dungeon until she is 22. ;)

[3girls2luv]

My DH is not her bio dad and we have agreed that I deal with her and dd2 as far as dicipline goes. He was not home last night but if he was I think her would have chimed in when she shoved dd2 which is why my mom chimed in. She seems to go through phases because she is not always like this sometimes she can be a wonderful pleasant person to be around but then she goes through this type of behavior. She has trouble dealing with her anger. At times I wonder if we are dealing with some form of bipolar issues because she has severe ups and downs and she tends to get violent or distructive if she can't seem to get a rise out of me.

[Iconoclast]

Well, I feel for you. I don't have any experience with blended family or bipolar teens, so I have no more advice to offer. Just that I don't think you are mean. Sorry.

[3girls2luv]

Well, I feel for you. I don't have any experience with blended family or bipolar teens, so I have no more advice to offer. Just that I don't think you are mean. Sorry.


Thanks.

[JudyJudyJudy]

Psyche, its not that I don't want her here and she knows that, its that I refuse to be constantly abused verbally by a snotty 13 year old who thinks that she is the boss of the house. I have suggested counseling for her and all of us as a family, but she doesnt want to go so her father wont make her.
Who handles the discipline?

[SueDid]

My DH is not her bio dad and we have agreed that I deal with her and dd2 as far as dicipline goes. He was not home last night but if he was I think her would have chimed in when she shoved dd2 which is why my mom chimed in. She seems to go through phases because she is not always like this sometimes she can be a wonderful pleasant person to be around but then she goes through this type of behavior. She has trouble dealing with her anger. At times I wonder if we are dealing with some form of bipolar issues because she has severe ups and downs and she tends to get violent or distructive if she can't seem to get a rise out of me.

Does her therapist think she might be bipolar (or is it more proper to say "have bipolar disorder? I don't want to offend anyone dealing with it) I don't know how that's diagnosed but I would be really careful about using that term until you know. If she doesn't have it, assuming that she might and excusing behavior will be detrimental in the long run.

Admittedly, the only things we know of are what you post on the board, but it seems the only time she gets really angry is when she doesn't get her way. Does she anger quickly with her friends? Does she verbally accost them like she does you?

Just out of curiosity, what happened when you got back home?

[3girls2luv]

SueDid she is very very nice with her friends. I did mention to my mom last night that the only time dd is happy is if she is getting her way. If I catch her in a lie or being sneaky she flipps out bad like she is now. I have to give her constant praise or she will tell me that I NEVER see anything good in her when I correct her about something.

When I got home she asked me if she could please have 5min to call her BF and I told her no. She had cleaned the house and swept the dinning room and I thanked her for that and she started telling me "you see I clean the house for you and you still don't cut me any slack, you are so ungrateful." I was too tired to even touch that statement and she went to her room. DD2 slept on the floor in my room just to give her sis some time alone, I think she was afraid of what she might do to her after she was shoved earlier. When she is these moods I just want to move out.

[Sputterduck]

After she cleaned I may have let her call her boyfriend. Teaching her give and take in a relationship is a good thing. You do something nice, I do something nice. Make it worth her while to behave well. Make it beyond unpleasant for her to be bad. She isn't stupid. She can turn her moods off with her friends. She'll get it.

[3girls2luv]

Well i did tell her that if she came home in a pleasant mood today that I would let her talk to him for 20 min. I told her she had to also appologize to her sister for shoving her. I only saw her for a few minutes this morning and I don't get of work till about 9p so I will be calling home later to see how she has been acting

[SueDid]

I don't know, Sputterduck, her punishment was 18 days with no phone. I think that 3girls has to show her daughter that she means what she says. I think those give and take moments happen AFTER the proper boundaries are in place.

3girls, it sounds like she thought because she did something nice you would retract part of the punishment, I don't know if that's how things have worked in the past or not. I think you were right not to even entertain those words. I would expect she'll continue to try to get a rise out of you until it works or until she can see that it specifically WON'T work, which I'm sure will take a ridiculous amount of patience and self control on your part. It seems like what you need to strive to do, though.

[Sputterduck]

I thought it was 18 days with no cell phone. I was thinking about her calling on the family phone.

[Sputterduck]

I would also tell her that if he dumps her because you won't let her call him, then he isn't worth her time as a bf anyway. lol

[Sputterduck]

What do you guys do together that is special between just the two of you?

[SueDid]

I thought it was 18 days with no cell phone. I was thinking about her calling on the family phone.

I'm not sure that should matter at this point. She hasn't acted decently for ONE DAY, yet. All she has to do is come home in a decent mood, probably not hard since she spends the school day with her friends, and apologize to her sister, which can happen within the first minutes of arriving home. She was awful to 3girls last night.

I might... MIGHT allow a few minutes on the phone if there were several days of decent behavior and willingness on her part, but so far she hasn't had to prove anything except that she can paste on a happy face and say a few decent words to get what she wants.

[3girls2luv]

I have given time off for good behavior before and sometimes it works but if she is good today just to use the phone and tomorrow she blows up again then I will add that day back kwim. I want her to be good and I want her to learn to deal with her anger and if she knows that blowing up at me will get her deeper into trouble then she will have to learn to cool the coals in her mouth in order to get her phone back.

We have a once a month meal out of the house together at Olive garden since we both love the soup and salad we usually go on the third Sat. of the month when dd2 is at her dads. She will sometimes come to my bed and cuddle with me if she has had a rough day and needs to talk.

[Sputterduck]

The Olive Garden date and cuddling is a good sign. :)

[3girls2luv]

Yeah she has her good moments :)