Ok, I could use some advice now regarding T's mother

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The kids and I slept in late this morning and we all just woke up. My head is fuzzier than usual. I'm having a fibro flareup due to the chicken pox ( which turneded out NOT to be chicken pox, but totally different story)so I didn't answer the phone when it rang. I have to wake up more and slam some coffee before I can chat. It turns out that it was T's mom ( I will give a link for the thread yesterday about T's mom for those that have not read)

I have been trying for ages to get her to call me back and she has, finally. Now, help me be strong. I don't want to get on the phone and start fucking blubbering away. I'm worried about her and T. Remember,though, she hasn't told me some of the things she's told our mutual friend. So, treading lightly is probably best. Of course I know I'm going to ask how they all are, if they need anything, etc..that I miss her and love her and her family.

But what else, if anything, can I say to her? This is critical to me..I don't want to mess it up. My eyes just well up thinking about it. Please help me. What else should I say..I thought at least I could bring up that DD1 told us about the latest picture. I don't have to say that I know about the first. Maybe I could use that as a starting point. I feel weird. I want to know what's going on, as a good friend, but also need to make sure this boy is for sure getting the help he needs, too.

ETA here is the link from yesterday about T, but it's in the second story, not the first about my neighbor. http://www.breastfeeding.com/forums/showthread.php?t=38413

[HammBugga]

I would just say "listen T, I am concerned about your Ds. My DD told me he drew a really disturbing picture in class the other day. What's going on with him?" That'll hopefully open up the lines of communication so that she can spill it.

[QuiltyConscience]

Tweet, I'm Sorry.
I think all you can do at this point is to let her know you are there if she needs help. I wouldn't bring the picture up unless she did.

ETA I wouldn't bring the picture up with her. I would bring it up with the school counselor, with a focus on your dd being disturbed by it.

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OMG. I ended up talking to her. I have to do something , but wanted to post this because I am PISSED off. I started out by telling her what dd1 had said about the picture. Shesked how in the hell could she possibly KNOW and I said I'd find out. I sat dd down and asked. And she said THIS : "Mrs. T told us that T was going to a new school to learn how to be good. He has something deep in his heart that is making him sad and it's not his fault and probably his parents' fault. He drawed a picture of him tearing the teacher's head off and the teacher crying, but she couldn't show the picture because it was too awful. And he'd gone to the principal's office about it".


I am fucking shaking I am so mad. Mad for my friend. Mad for those children. My child has been having fucking nightmares about this,for god's sake!! I'm going to her and then directly to the board.

I'll tell you the rest of what we talked about in a little bit after I get the kids settled.

[QuiltyConscience]

Uh. The teacher told the class all this information?

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Ok, so to update a bit. It's longish, so please hang in there.

It turns out I didn't have to bring a thing up aside from dd1 telling about the picture. She said he'd done it twice and the first time, she, her dh, the principal,the school counselor and the teacher had a meeting. As they are talking about this, the principal said she'd told T that if he'd been older, he could have gone to jail for what he'd done. She apologized to the parents for the remark. The counselor is talking and then says, " We also understand, Mrs. B, that you tried to commit suicide this summer and wonder if this is where this is coming from". In my head, I'm thinking mutual friend must have said something but not told me she did. I asked T's mom if this is true. She said NO, but that she'd had horrible suicidal thoughts from medication contraindications and told her own counselor and they put her in the psych ward while getting it sorted out. She was having very bad reactions with her medications for depression and epilepsy.

So. They took T to a child behavioral counselor ( not sure if it's a therapist or actual psychiatrist) because obviously, they are freaked the fuck out that he'd done this. She says he is totally preoccupied with talking about death constantly. Just constantly.He dreams about it, worries about it, talks about. Therapist feels right now it's likely due to them losing so many pets . They'd lost 2 older dogs,2 birds, and one of their dogs killed a cat and he saw it :( Now, mind you, this is all very early in the process so it might be more than that, too, and friend is quite aware of this.

They've pulled him out of school and he is starting a special school for behavioral issues on Monday. She herself is finally on a medication that she says has made her feel a thousand times better and she's feeling good finally, but freaking out of course about her son ( It's Abilify,btw) She is continuing with her therapy as well.

So, they're on top of it as best they can be. I did lie,though and feel guilty. She asked if I'd heard any rumors about her trying to commit suicide and I said no. I didn't want to betray mutual friend because a) I'm sure friend,like me, wanted to do the best thing for T and b) it sounds as if either friend misunderstood the situation or T's mom is not being honest with me.

Nothing was said about the grandfather. She didn't tell me and I didn't ask. I am sure the therapist and them will work through all of that.

However, I am absolutely HORRIFIED that the teacher told 6 year old STUDENTS about the pictures in such a graphic nature. Is that even fucking legal?? No wonder dd1 has been having nightmares..and remember, this is her friend since 5 months of age here. I just think it's horribly and completely inappropriate. She has scared the shit out of my kid and betrayed T and his parents' confidentiality,IMO. One thing to have the higher ups involved but quite another to have the community involved. And WHY tell them the graphic nature of the pictures??????

I'm just at a loss about what this teacher did.

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Uh. The teacher told the class all this information?


Oh, yes..right down to the parts where T was cutting the teacher's head off in the picture. Friend confirmed that's what the picture was about.

[QuiltyConscience]

Woah.
1. How did the school counselor know about the mom's suicide attempt? Just going on rumor?

2. I cannot wrap my head around a teacher explaining any of that to a class of 6 year olds.

3. If I were in your shoes I would definitely be speaking to the teacher and the principal about how that was handled.

4. At this point in my life, I might be seriously be rethinking my involvement with T. There is so much going on that you and your DD just don't need to deal with, YKWIM? You can only point her in the direction of help and hope that she gets it.

[still_me]

To spin off of Quilty's #2.

WTH was this teacher thinking. First of all, it is not information that should be shared. She could easily of said, 'I cried before, but I'm okay now. It is normal for people to cry.' Second of all, good way to make the kid feel even more off. Tell his peers that he has something bad inside of him. I'm sure they treated him the same after hearing that. :rolleyes:

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Ugh! I had a long post it and lost it. Quilty, I don't know about the counselor . I am thinking mutual friend reported it. But seems weird to bring it up in front of everyone.I'll be speaking with both teacher and principal. My head is in a tail spin right now. My confidence in this teacher is severely shaken. I liked her so much and thought so much of her.

I'm not worried about a lot of contact with T and his mom. Remember, she hasn't called me back in ages as it is. And T and dd haven't had a play date since early in their Kindergarten year. However, they've been friendly in class and talked about getting married since they were tots. They care about each other..just we weren't seeing them outside of school. And right now it should stay that way,imo, and the focus should be on him getting help and their family healing and getting help.

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To spin off of Quilty's #2.

WTH was this teacher thinking. First of all, it is not information that should be shared. She could easily of said, 'I cried before, but I'm okay now. It is normal for people to cry.' Second of all, good way to make the kid feel even more off. Tell his peers that he has something bad inside of him. I'm sure they treated him the same after hearing that. :rolleyes:


Well, he wasn't in school. He'd already been pulled out. All she should have said is that he's going to a new school. Period. If more questions followed, say maybe he will be able to come back. The rest was not her story to tell and definitely not ok to be telling six year old children. Luckily, T doesn't know any of this,SM, but it's such a small school that it's spread like wild fire by now and how could he EVER go back with a fresh start after he'd gotten help ?


eta the crying part was about her saying that in the PICTURE she was crying because you know, he'd torn her head off. God, that makes me sick.She didn't say it'd made her cry..just her describing in detail what picture was.

[still_me]

Well, I'm glad he was already gone. I agree with you that he won't be able to come back and every kid see him as just another kid. Especially, with wild fire gossip.

[Earthmama]

The whole thing is so sad.

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I'm really just exhausted by it all. They've been on my mind for so long and I've been so worried. I've cried so much over this. And now, I can't tell if I should be this angry and upset with dd's teacher and am blowing it way out of proportion or if I'm justified. None of it makes sense. I am questioning my own judgment..should my kids even be going to this school?I just can't it all sorted out emotionally right now.

eta does anyone if what this teacher did was illegal?

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I'm definitely going to talk to the teacher, but I'm wondering if Ishould hold off for a few days because T's mother is going straight to the school board and perhaps the teacher doesn't need to be tipped off that there is an issue. I'm not sure. WWYD?

[cc1003]

I don't really think it is necessary to wait because even if you did give her a heads up, what can she do.

As far as I'm concerned, you're going to her about your dd, not T. T's mom can handle her concerns but you don't appreciate what your dd heard in class. It isn't even really pertinent that you are neighbors with T's mom. If it were me, I'd be so mad that I probably couldn't wait though anyway...

[Suzzzz]

I would be livid if the teacher said that to my child. I wouldn't wait to talk with her because this is something your dd told you and it is affecting her greatly. Would she even know any of this unless teacher told her?

Also sorry I gave you a rough time yesterday, I clearly didn't understand all the facts.

I would think the teacher is a bit unstable if she is unable to keep this info to herself instead of sharing it with 6 year olds.

[Bellaelle]

My heart goes out to that poor child. He is just a baby. )=
The teacher crossed a serious line. She never should have told the children what she did.
I would be very upset.

[CiCi04]

Please read this with the loving tone I am wrinting in!!!



I don't want to stir the pot and cause anyone upset but as a mom and teacher, I believe that children of school age should be given the correct and true information about situations that concern them Perhaps this teacher went overboard in her explanation but maybe she thought she was helping rather than hurting. If I were you, I would gently discuss the situation with my own child and assure her that bad things won't happen, it's good to tell the truth, some people have bad thoughts, etc etc. Don't underestimate the amount of understanding your child can have when she can discuss this with you logically. I also DO understand why you are upset. But what's done is done. Now you have to help your child cope. Deal with your child FIRST and take care of telling the teacher that she over explained things to a group of such young students. Try to take a deep breath and figure out what you need to say to those involved. Your dear daughter will be fine - just keep loving her!

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CiCi, don't worry, I'mnot going to lambaste you ;) I truly appreciate having a teacher's point of view, too. I sort of agree with you. What I mean is this: T has been having lots of issues. The kids obviously know because he's taken it out oiand his family's specific info. And telling the children it's his parents' fault is waynot ok.IMO. I think she could have addressed any concerns w/o getting too specific about every detail,kwim?

Anyway, I've left her a message already because I can't wait. I will be calm and get her story, but I will let her know in no uncertain terms how it's affected my child and that I feel it was inappropriate . I won't go off on a tangent or anything.

Apparently T's mother talked to her this morning. She left me a message (T's mom) but haven't been able to get a hold of her. Iwonder what was said