I'm so upset I'm shaking! [Archive]

3girls2luv

03-03-2009, 12:05 PM

DN has played me for a complete FOOL!!!!!! I gave him a place to stay so he could finish school and work for a brighter future and he has been lying to me!!!!

He has not been attending school for over a month and now has to appear in court. He would leave to walk to the bus everyday and I would ask him how school was and he would say fine.

I saw his last report card and he was passing all his classes and now this. I feel so used.

His old gf (the reason he ran away the first time) is back in his life as of last night AFAIK because he came home after 2am and we had no idea where he was which is what made me decided to call the school. He told me that he was out looking for her and his phone ran out of battery which is why he did not call me.

I want to tell him to move out today since apparently he has somewhere to go since he has not been going to school. Is this too harsh? I hate being lied to and he lied to my face everyday. I was good to him when no one else would believe in him and he pulls this shit. I am not thinking clearly right now obviously so I really need some advice on how to handle this.

alejorge

03-03-2009, 12:08 PM

I don't have any advice to offer you. All I can do is send you a virtual (((Hug))). I hope some of the ladies on here have some good tips for you. I am soory that he misused your trust.. You don't deserve that.

03-03-2009, 12:14 PM

How old is he?

bocarioja

03-03-2009, 12:14 PM

I am sorry. I would be livid, too.

How old is he?

QuiltyConscience

03-03-2009, 12:15 PM

I'd be upset too. Take a little bit and calm down and have a good sit down with him. I wouldn't make any big decisions for a day or two, until you can think everything through, and get some info from him.

What did he say about this?

03-03-2009, 12:17 PM

I agree with waiting a day or two to calm down so that a rational decision can me made. I don't know enough specifics to say what I'd do or what would be too harsh for me personally. If he's an adult and he's been lying and not doing what was agreed upon, then yeah, I don't think asking him to leave is out of the question. If he's underage, I doubt I would kick him out.

KerryS

03-03-2009, 12:25 PM

I agree with waiting a day or two to calm down. Then I would suggest you sit down and have a calm, caring discussion with him about why he's missing school.

When I was a senior in high school, I quit going to school for a few months. Yes, I lied to my mom about it. The reason why I quit going was because I was severely depressed and suicidal.

My point is only that there may be a very serious reason why he's been lying to you, and I wouldn't go into the conversation with guns ablazing.

KerryS

03-03-2009, 12:30 PM

Don't make it about you. Make it about him.

cc1003

03-03-2009, 12:32 PM

Nothing has to be decided today. That is my best advice. I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

3girls2luv

03-03-2009, 12:50 PM

He is 18 and was held back in kinder so he should have graduated this May but instead he is supposed to graduate next May. The deal was that he had to be attending school and working towards his graduation in order to live with us.

He has been acting very sneaky and has been a smart ass to DH and me a few times last week.

DH had asked him to help him clean up some trimmed trees from our backyard and DN said "ugh get one of the girls to help you" DH said he unplugged his PS3 and said "DN I am not asking you who I should get to help me, I am telling you to come and help me." There have been other smart ass remarks but I won't go into those right now.

I am calming down a bit and plan to talk to him tonight when and if he comes home since he did not get in until after 2a this morning. I am going to pick up a copy of his attendence record and we will start with that. DH said that maybe we could start charging him rent since he is not keeping his end of the bargain by staying in school.

03-03-2009, 02:43 PM

Hmm. I guess I'd wait till everyone (well, dh and I) were calmed down and then have a meeting. The smart ass thing isn't really like him, is it? Idk, but I don't ever remember you complaining about smart assness so if it was not like him, that would make me wonder wtf is going on. Is it this girl? What's that story? Unhealthy relationships sure can change demeanor (though I don't want to assume about her) . Could drugs be a possibility?

I'd really want to get to the bottom of what's causing him to not want to finish. Has something happened at school? Depending on all of that or if I felt I was given a straight answer, I could see us considering a second chance . And maybe a meeting would be a good way to go about getting to the bottom.

I think either working or going to school would be good options, but the root of it is his lying,right? That would be what worries me. Is that he is just afraid of telling the truth because he doesn't want to disappoint you all or there something deeper?

Sorry, that seems like a hard situation.

Nipple_nectar

03-03-2009, 02:50 PM

I think charging him rent is an excellent solution. I would give him a choice, get back in school or you will be charging him to live there, from now on.

I would also gently tell him if your needs are not being met. Him contributing to the household, like helping your DH clean up tree limbs would be an invaluable way to show he cares and wants to help you, in return.

I have a 23 year old DS that lives here and he has DAILY responsibilities toward the running of the house. He already knows, failure to complete these tasks would bring his eviction notice.

3girls2luv

03-03-2009, 03:02 PM

DN is a stubborn child/adult he knows nothing about life yet he will not listen to any advice. He will just shut you out as he continues to drive himself into the groung my DB was very hard on him and I think I am seeing why but my DB went about it the wrong way becuase now DN feels like since DB is out of his life then he can run free. This girl is bad news her her DB is in an active gang here in town, which scares the shit out of me because DN has been hanging around with him. DN can be a smart ass but he has never sassed back at me nor DH until recently. I am going to go pick up his attendance record from the school right now and go from there. At this time DN in MIA because he did not go to school and he is not answering his phone.

03-03-2009, 03:17 PM

Oh, yikes. So possible gang involvement? That puts quite a spin on things. I have to go for now, but I would be very,very careful since he is staying at your home. In the meantime, I wonder if the school counselor should be called about this..maybe he/she has some good resources dealing with gangs. By the time I was in HS, my city had over 700 and now it's something like 1200,iirc. Anyway, I know that there were programs formed to help deal with it with young people at risk.

3girls2luv

03-03-2009, 03:32 PM

Yes yikes and this family lives on the side of town that has at least one drive by shooting a month. I just don't know how this is going to turn out. I know I have to approach it from all differnt angles because all though I want to keep DN safe and in my home I also have to think about my girls and the example this is setting for them. I could call my DB but I know all hell will break loose. I have a teacher friend that works at the school so I am going ask her if there are any programs to help keep kids out of gangs or something like that in this school.

This feels like a nightmare. This is not how I expected my DN to turn out.

Nipple_nectar

03-03-2009, 03:37 PM

You don't have to be condescending. Talk to him about what his goals are. See if you can get him to admit that having a high school diploma will be in his best interest, in meeting his goals. Ask him, if there is anything you can do for him, to help him be more successful in meeting his own goals.

You need to find out what his goals are, in order to give him solid advice on how to move forward. He is at a hard age. He is a young man and wants to be treated as such, even if he is acting like a child!

SingingMom

03-03-2009, 05:16 PM

Talk, and listen.

Talk to your DH and decide what you want in this situation. The example you set for your girls is as strong as the example DN sets for them. Model thoughtful, responsible parenting for your girls.

Charging rent is reasonable if DN isn't going to choose to go to school.

Asking him to do chores is reasonable, too. But personally, I don't like to have somebody come by and tell me to get up right now and do a chore. I appreciate a heads-up- "In half an hour I'm going to clean up the backyard, and I'd like you to help me." My mom used to expect me to hop up and do her bidding whenever it occurred to her, and it always seemed rude to me. (She still does, really.)

It isn't very difficult to model being respectful of someone else's time and priorities, and it sends a powerful (though subtle) message- "You're an adult and I respect that you have your own tasks to do. I expect you to help with the family tasks, but I'm willing to be polite and respectful about it."

I do this even with my kids, who are much younger than your nephew, and they really appreciate it. I tell them "I'm going to need this dishwasher emptied in the next half hour. Whose turn is it?" They handle it much better than my saying "Hey, DS, empty this dishwasher now."

3girls2luv

03-04-2009, 08:57 AM

Oh no SM DN was told on Sunday evening that DH was going to trim some branches and he needed help clearing them on Monday afternoon when DH got home.

DN did not have school that day and by 2pm he left and did not come home till after dark then on Tues he was off from work and again did not come home till after dark, so on Wednesday as he was sitting there playing a game DH told him that it needed to be done now and that is when DN replied for him to get the girls to help him.

We are pretty reasonable about getting the kids to do chores like you mentioned and this chore took only 15min. to do.

3girls2luv

03-04-2009, 09:22 AM

Ok here is what happened yesterday: I picked up his attendance record and this child has only gone to school for 8 days in Jan. and 5 days in Feb.

He has been charged with truancy and is to appear in court later this month. The counselor also mentioned that if he did not appear in court that there would be a warrant out for his arrest.

If he is given a court order to get his GED and he fails to do so he will go to jail. If he decides to stay in school he will have to do community service or pay $1000 fine.

He did not come home but I talked to him over the phone and told him that he needed to go and speak to a counselor today to figure out what he was going to do because since he missed TAKS testing, he will not be promoted.

I asked him where he was going when he was not going to school and he said he would go to work which is BS because he works for my aunt and she knows that if he is comeing in before 1p that he is skipping school.

He kept saying that he was working all those days which only means that he was working 10hrs a day for 5 days a week at his part time job.

So since he "worked" all those hours I told him that he owes me rent for the month of Feb. and since he gets paid Friday that I expect to be paid on Friday. I told him that I would keep his X-Box until he pays his rent which is $150. He did not reply but he did say he was going to the school this morning.

I am a little nervous because my mom is home alone with the baby and I am afraid that he will show up with his freind (the gang member) and start some shit over the X-Box. I told my mom not to let him in the house unless he is alone and if she feels like she is in danger to just give him all his shit even the X-Box and tell him not to come back.

03-04-2009, 12:54 PM

What did the counselor say about the possible gang stuff? Can he/she refer you to anyone? Did you tell him you all wanted to sit down and discuss things?

TheLorax

03-04-2009, 01:11 PM

3girls2luv

03-04-2009, 01:17 PM

Tweet I called him several times yesterday and when I finally got in touch with him he sounded very strange like he was sluring his words.

He tried to deny missing school at all but I told him I had his record and he fell silent, I asked where he was and he said "no where" I asked who he was with because there was a lot of noise in the back ground and he said "no body." So then I told him what I posted and told him to come home before 10p so we could talk and he did not show up or call.

This morning I called the counselor and she told me that unless he comes in to talk to her, there is not much she can do until the court hearing.

My mom tried calling him at 12:30p and he was still asleep, he goes into work at 1:30p and he said he was going to talk to the counselor this morning and he did not go.

I am really at my wits end here. The only thing I feel resposible for is letting him know when the letter comes in with his court date. If he does not answer my calls or does not check in at least weekly then its out of my hands and if the police come knocking at my door looking for him I will let them know where he works.

I did not sleep well last night my dd1 is scared because she knows DN is hanging around with the wrong people and these people now know where we live since they picked DN up from there before. I can not make him go to school, to court, or to work all I can do is talk to him if he calls and offer support if he tries to improve his life.

3girls2luv

03-04-2009, 01:19 PM

Please, if you have any reason whatsoever to have fear of DN or his friends, give up the x box. Ask him to make plans to relocate if he cannot pay the rent. I will not link to the episode, but there was a truly horrific gruesome incident here in central Florida a few years back involving someone holding an x box ransom regarding a rental situation. Your post made me think of it. It's not worth it, nothing is.

Thanks for letting me know this. I will give it to him if it comes down to a dangerous situation. My mom is home with two babies most of the time but my neighbor next door works evenings so DH is going to ask him to keep an eye on the place during the day until all this clears up. Thanks again.

03-04-2009, 01:23 PM

Well, in that case, I'd likely give an ultimatum: either come back, get shit together and work or go to school or he will not have a place to stay and the locks will be changed. Wish him luck and tell him that you're there if he comes around. You guys can't be expected to live in constant fear of his new "friends".

3girls2luv

03-04-2009, 01:36 PM

You are right tweet and this is what I am leaning towards right now. I honestly do not think DN is going to get his shit straight any time soon. His way of thinking is way off and right now his priorities are all jumbled around because of his friends. I just hope he gets a hit of reality soon before its too late.

SueDid

03-04-2009, 01:37 PM

I think at this point I'd arrange to take all his stuff somewhere and tell him he's not welcome to come back. If he has a key, change the locks. If any kind of threats are made, contact the police and let them know, they can maybe have additional drives through your neighborhood or something.

The leash would be pretty short on taking his calls, too. Unless there is a quick turnaround and change in attitude, with him completely willing to be accountable for his whereabouts and activities, I wouldn't be taking his calls, either.

3girls2luv

03-04-2009, 03:12 PM

SD at this point I only plan on taking his calls if he is calling about his court date.

My mom called and he came by the house to pick up his X-box and my told him she did not know where it was and that she knew that he knew about the rent payment in exchange for the x-box. He the said "tell tia I will be here later to pick it up." Then when he left my mom noticed his freind sitting on our front patio waiting for him. They both apparently road the bus to my house or walked. DH is going to come home early today and I get off of work in an hour and we are going to pack all his things so he can come and pick them up on Friday. He did tell my mom he plans on paying me on Friday.

jessiehannan

03-04-2009, 03:24 PM

*sigh* I am sorry that you are having to deal with this.
I feel bad for him too though, and I know you are worried.

JudyJudyJudy

03-04-2009, 04:22 PM

3girls, how would you handle the situation if he were actually your child instead of "just" a nephew?

I know your dh got pissed with the way he talked to him about cleaning up the branches, but what if one of the girls had said, "Get (insert name) to do it"? Would he have been equally as pissed?

This is one of the problems with taking in a child who isn't yours. If you (general you) can't treat him like your own, then it's best not to take him in. It sucks to be that little piece of shit who has to be perfect in every way, or he/she will land on the street.

Having said all that, I couldn't take the potential gang issues, but again I ask, "How would you handle this if he were your child?"

03-04-2009, 04:55 PM

I agree with that as well, Judy.

Also, I think I might still leave the door open with phone calls:"DN, I hate to see you going down this path. If you need help getting off of it, we're here" versus just slamming the door completely. Yes, I realize he is the one choosing to close the door here. I also remember being 18 and very ,very rebellious and all of the feelings surrounding it.

I in no way think that means you all have to put up with the lies and the possible gang stuff or sass talk. However, the sass talk does not sound that bad,imo and I can't imagine getting that worked up over that part. A simple "Please do not speak to me that way;we all need to our part" should be enough. Is it possible he feels he is expected to do a lot more than the other kids?

One other question..are you SURE this friend is a gang member? Is it possible it's just a rumor? Do you have any proof?

SueDid

03-04-2009, 05:30 PM

It would seem one thing that factors in is that she actually has no legal standing with this young man, so no real authority over him aside from that which he chooses to give her.

I'm all for seeing if there is a way to resolve this with school counselors, etc, but as of now it seems as if DN is not on board. She also has to consider her own 15 year old, who is giving her a run for her money as it is, and how it affects her to see DN lying and not coming home and there being no real consequences for that.

We did something similar with my sister many years ago. She had moved out of my parents house and was renting rooms, staying with friends and who knows what all and she said she wanted to get her life together. We let her move in here and together set down some ground rules, all which went out the window in the first week. She left a couple of weeks later, before I asked her to leave, which was coming shortly. I didn't want to ask her to leave, I wanted to help her, but letting her wreak havoc on my own house for an extended period of time just wasn't an option.

03-04-2009, 05:32 PM

No one was saying there shouldn't be any consequences. The point was that if you aren't prepared to treat said person like you would your own children, it's probably better not to have them in the first place. And I can't disagree with that.

eta and of course the safety of the family comes first, but I'd also get more proof of this could be gang member rather than just relying on a rumor.

SueDid

03-04-2009, 05:48 PM

I definitely agree with getting more proof and not condemning the friend without it.

I realize that no one said there shouldn't be consequences, I just don't see how 3girls can possibly enforce any. If the nephew chooses to reform and follow the rules, cool beans, but if he doesn't, there doesn't seem to be a whole lot that she can do.

JudyJudyJudy

03-04-2009, 06:23 PM

It would seem one thing that factors in is that she actually has no legal standing with this young man, so no real authority over him aside from that which he chooses to give her.
Since he is 18, the same would be true if this were her own child.

No one was saying there shouldn't be any consequences. The point was that if you aren't prepared to treat said person like you would your own children, it's probably better not to have them in the first place.
Exactly.

of course the safety of the family comes first, but I'd also get more proof of this could be gang member rather than just relying on a rumor.
I agree with this, too.

SueDid

03-04-2009, 09:32 PM

Since he is 18, the same would be true if this were her own child.

This is true. Then again, one just might have some respect for their parents and the home they grew up in and recognize the privilege of continuing to live there once one turns 18, and actually be ok with abiding by some rules.

When I was growing up, we could follow the rules in the little kingdom called home or we were welcome to try it on our own with the laws of the land.

We have two grown children in our house right now and they are glad to follow a few simple rules for the opportunity to live at home while they get on their feet.

I'm all for helping people out whenever possible, but when I've got impressionble kids of my own to also be concerned about, I can't afford to give too much leeway before showing them the door.

And I did have that same attitude about my own kids. They are more than welcome to live here for as long as they are participating family members and not compromising our household. They'll be finding another place to live if they can't manage that.

JudyJudyJudy

03-04-2009, 10:32 PM

I'm all for helping people out whenever possible, but when I've got impressionble kids of my own to also be concerned about, I can't afford to give too much leeway before showing them the door.

And I did have that same attitude about my own kids. They are more than welcome to live here for as long as they are participating family members and not compromising our household. They'll be finding another place to live if they can't manage that.
This is the point I'm making. If you take a kid in, you should be willing to treat him/her as you would treat your own, good or bad.

still_me

03-05-2009, 09:23 AM

3girls2luv

03-05-2009, 09:41 AM

I get the whole treating him like my child thing and I did do that. The first time I found out he skipped school and lied about it, we had a heart to heart talk about lying. I would ask him and my dds every day how their day at school went and he would say fine. So every day he was lying to my face since he was not in school.

As far as the chores go if my dds would have said "get______to help you" while they sat there and played x-box, well the x-box would be unplugged and put away too. So yes he would have reacted the same way. DN knew about this chore on Sunday and he did not come home till dark on Mon. and Tues.

As for the gang member well I don't know how I would get proof and personally I really don't have the time to go around asking questions to find out the truth. I also do not want to wait for him to shoot up my house in retaliation, which is what gangs do around here.

I do not plan on kicking DN out nor do I plan on shutting the door on him for good. He is my DN and I love him which is why I took him in and right now he knows how I feel and he is not really letting me know what his plans are. He is acting very shady and he told my mom that he might go live with his other GM. I am hoping that is what he chooses.

He went to school this morning because I personally dropped him off because he said he needed to talk to the counselor about staying in school. That was hopefully a good sign.

03-05-2009, 09:57 AM

Yikes. You don't have time to ask any questions if this person your nephew is running around with is a gang member? You wouldn't find the time to ask questions if it was your child and not your nephew? Ok. If you're afraid someone is going to shoot up your home, at least you'd think you'd bother with trying to find out of this guy really is in a gang just for that reason alone. shrug.

Sounds like he might be better off elsewhere, really. You've got a lot going on and don't have the time.

3girls2luv

03-05-2009, 10:40 AM

Exactly tweet if he chooses to hang around with the wrong crowd knowing who this person is what am I supposed to do? Forbid him from hanging around with him?

My SIL is the one who told me he is a gang member and dd1 and DN have a mutual freind and she told dd1 he is a gang member. The only thing I can think of is asking the guy myself (which I am not) because if I ask DN he will deny it like he's denied everything else.

DN believes that since he is 18 no one can tell him what to do and he owes nobody and explaination.

I have had talks with DN several times and things were going great until he got involved with these people again. This is the third time he has been involved with these people and it just gets him in trouble except this time he is 18 and will not listen to anyone.

If this were my girls and they were 18 I would do what I have done with DN. Talk to them give them advice and listen to them. If they still choose to go down this path I would have to let them go and hope for the best.

3girls2luv

03-05-2009, 04:12 PM

Ok my brother is an ass. My DN wants to go back home and my brother told him if he comes back home he can't have a cell phone, he can't have a job and he has to sleep on the couch.

So then DN says he will go live with his grandparent and my brother tells them not to take him in. He is now in the process of telling my aunt to fire him.

He told me that the biggest mistake I ever made was to let DN get a job. WTF?

He is trying to burn every possible bridge for DN its like he wants to see him with his face in the dirt.

My mom is going to take DN to live with her and my brother told me that if she does he is going to give my mom a piece of his mind. I don't know what to do right now I just want to crawl in a hole until it all resolves its self.

I am sure SIL will be calling me tonight and asking me to set my brother straight and then her parents will probably get into it with my brother. Round and round we go.

I feel bad for DN now because even if he is trying to do the right thing, my brother is fucking it up for him.

DH said that he will let DN stay with us for now since my bro is being an ass because right now we are his only hope if he wants to straighten up. I am just going to have to take it day by day I guess.

03-05-2009, 04:18 PM

What do you mean, your mom is going to take him with her? She lives with you,correct? And he's 18, right? Weird.

jessiehannan

03-05-2009, 04:19 PM

Ugh.
Your DN probably feels that nothing he does will ever be good enough for you brother, and unloved to boot. *sigh*

3girls2luv

03-05-2009, 04:21 PM

My mom is getting her own place. Yes he is 18.

ETA: She is going to let him stay with her and this what he wants too. Sorry it did sound weird after I read it.

03-05-2009, 04:23 PM

Well, he doesn't have to go with her then if he doesn't want to. Wtf is wrong with your brother? Nothing like setting up your kid for failure. Sorry, he's an ass for doing that.

I really feel for your DN. He's been pulled and pushed and round and round..no wonder he's fucking up and confused. Sheesh.

3girls2luv

03-05-2009, 04:27 PM

He was doing fine until he started talking to those people again. He was happy and things were great in my house. We would have family games, movie night, sit down dinners and outings. Then he changed.

jessiehannan

03-05-2009, 04:40 PM

3girls2luv

03-05-2009, 04:52 PM

3girls- there is something about them that draws him to them, be it good or bad.
As much as you try to make up for what your ass of a brother did/does to him, you can't. He's got a lot of issues to resolve right now, and he *might* feel that these people are the only ones who just don't care what is going on in his life, and are there with no expectations of him.

Jessie you hit the nail on the head. These people don't work and none of them have finished school. The girl (his GF) quit school at 16 and was recently MIA and she was with a 37 y/o man. She is 19. I am not judging them but this is what DN has told me about them. When he went with them the first time they kicked him out because he could not get a job. Now he has a job and he is skipping school to be with them.

JustMoi

03-05-2009, 05:26 PM

He's 18? why is he considered truant? at that age, they are allowed to choose whether or not to stay in school.

But either way... time for some tough love. He has been given chance after chance and now he's blow it. Time to kick his ass out, and let him know if he gets arrested, it's exactly what his behavior is asking for.

JudyJudyJudy

03-05-2009, 05:33 PM

3girls, I think it will be best if he stays with your mother; that sounds like a good idea. Also, I'm glad that he plans to talk to the counselor about staying in school. At the very least, he should be looking into taking the GED if there is no way for him to graduate this year.

He's 18? why is he considered truant? at that age, they are allowed to choose whether or not to stay in school.
I didn't understand that, either. In Georgia, if you're even close to 16, they won't mess with you for not going to school.

3girls2luv

03-05-2009, 08:48 PM

You know I really do not understand that either about the truancy since he is 18.

JM part of me wants to kick him out but the other part of me still wants to give him a chance since he is at a very difficult age. The more I think about it the more I want to try to understand him.

My brother says that letting him live with me and letting him get a job was the biggest mistake we made. My brother is being a huge ass about all this and this all started because of him in the first place.

I agree that he should go live with my mom. My mom says that even if DN messes up she still will do what ever it takes to keep him off the streets.

Those of you that pray could you please pray for my DN because he really needs it right now.

SueDid

03-05-2009, 09:13 PM

I agree that he should go live with my mom. My mom says that even if DN messes up she still will do what ever it takes to keep him off the streets.

It seems like living with your Mom is probably the best option. Has he said that he wants to straighten up? Or did he think going back to his Dad's house he could just do what he wanted without accountability?

The only problem I had with the quote is "doing whatever it takes to keep him off the streets." If that means providing him with a place to live and helping him get his life together, that's great. If it means turning a blind eye to bad behavior so he doesn't leave, that's not so great.

Justicedog

03-05-2009, 09:16 PM

I'm sorry, but what the hell is wrong with your brother?

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm sorry he's going through this. I hope he can start making some good choices. I'm glad that you are able to be there for him.

My DN had been kicked out of everyone's house - my brother (because his new wife is an ass); his mother (because she never really was able to care for him); his grandparents (because he had a party there where things were stolen). Having this instability, I think, caused him to get worse and worse (drugs, irresponsibility). He ended up living with his mother's ex, who'd physically abused him when he was a kid.

They live halfway across the country, so there was nothing I could do to help. DH wouldn't have allowed me to offer our house to DN. You'll know that you were there for him.

I'll pray for your family.

3girls2luv

03-06-2009, 09:09 AM

Thanks JD.

I was able to talk to DN alone again this morning and I told him that he really needed to think about his future and that everything he does at this point will affect his future.

I told him that if he gets arrested it will go on his record and he may get fired from his current job and with a police record it may be hard to get another job.

I also told him with out a hs diploma or GED plus a jail record it could be damn near impossible to get a job. He was actually shocked when I told him that. I think it sunk in somewhat because he said "I had no idea tia, man I need to shape up."

I offered him to stay at our house until the end of the school year and over the summer he could decide where he wanted to go.

He is thinking of either going to his other GM or with my mom. Either one would be a positive move. He said he would like to go back home but he said "my dad won't change".

I told him if he decides to go home then he would have to talk to his dad man to man and that probably would not gaurantee much but it was worth a try. I did however tell him "if you go home do it for your mom and your brothers and you may just have to accept your dad for the hard ass he is because that is how grandpa raised him."

So as of right now DN is at school and will be with us for now but I will personally be driving him to school and he understands that.

3girls2luv

03-06-2009, 09:12 AM

For now I am going to avoid all calls from my brother and I will not give him any information regarding DN. I will communicate with my SIL but that is about it because I am one second away from telling my brother off and it will not end well. I don't want to tell him off because I don't want to drive our family apart for my mom's sake.

JudyJudyJudy

03-06-2009, 03:42 PM

Okay, I'm going to open myself up to being flamed, and I don't give a shit. Where does the other grandmother live? Is it in an area with less gang influence? If I lived in an area where there was a lot of gangs, and especially if my child were hispanic, I'd get him/her as far away from the shit as I could. If the other grandmother lives in a different area, I'd say that's the best bet.

03-06-2009, 03:48 PM

It is a damn shame that the dad is being this way.

3girls2luv

03-06-2009, 03:50 PM

The place where the other GM lives is a town that has a high drug an crime rate but she lives on the "good" side of town.

I live on the "good" side of town yet there was a young kid building bombs across the street. Its still better than where he would have ended up if he would have gone with that other family.

The *best* place would be with his parents because they live in a small community where me and my brother grew up and everybody knows everybody and they look out for eachother. Ugh if only my brother wasn't such a huge ass.

Justicedog

03-06-2009, 03:51 PM

I agree Judy. Not even just gangs. If he's not able to get himself away from and stay away from the bad friends, then doing it for him may be helpful.

3girls2luv

03-06-2009, 03:52 PM

It is a damn shame that the dad is being this way.

I agree %100 tweet. My dad was a hard ass but he was a loving caring father who taught us that life was not easy and things would not get handed to us just for being cute. My brother is being a hard ass by trying to keep his son down just because he is not doing things his way.

JudyJudyJudy

03-06-2009, 03:54 PM

Why would that get you flamed,Judy?? Maybe I see it differently,too. I lived in a city that was predominately hispanic and the gangs were all predominately hispanic. I'd also be interested in getting him as far away as possible. Sometimes that is the best choice.
In the past on this board, such comments caused flaming. It is unPC to dare state that gangs or anything else are predominantly one ethnicity.

I know that dsd, who is hispanic, was influenced horribly by living in an area like that. She also became racist against nonhispanic whites for a while because that was the "cool" thing to do.

The place where the other GM lives is a town that has a high drug an crime rate but she lives on the "good" side of town.

I live on the "good" side of town yet there was a young kid building bombs across the street. Its still better than where he would have ended up if he would have gone with that other family.

The *best* place would be with his parents because they live in a small community where me and my brother grew up and everybody knows everybody and they look out for eachother. Ugh if only my brother wasn't such a huge ass.
:(

JudyJudyJudy

03-06-2009, 03:56 PM

I agree Judy. Not even just gangs. If he's not able to get himself away from and stay away from the bad friends, then doing it for him may be helpful.
That, too, though I know that some kids seem to gravitate toward the "bad" kids.

SerialMom

03-06-2009, 03:56 PM

In the past on this board, such comments caused flaming. It is unPC to dare state that gangs or anything else are predominantly one ethnicity.

I know that dsd, who is hispanic, was influenced horribly by living in an area like that. She also became racist against nonhispanic whites for a while because that was the "cool" thing to do.

:(

Well, then what is MS13 comprised of?

JudyJudyJudy

03-06-2009, 04:02 PM

Well, then what is MS13 comprised of?
Scum. That is one scary group.

Dsd lost a lot of friends, some who were in gangs and some who just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. One tried to get out of a gang in Georgia, so he left town, but was found and killed in New York. These people weren't in MS13 as far as I know, but they were still bad news.

03-06-2009, 04:09 PM

Oh. Well, I know that there are all sorts of races in gangs, but where I lived it was really predominately hispanic gangs. That doesn't mean there weren't also white,asian,and black gangs,but yeah, predominately hispanic.

JudyJudyJudy

03-06-2009, 04:12 PM

That's the way it is in Georgia, too.

3girls2luv

03-06-2009, 04:15 PM

Yeah its like that here too. We do have some "skin heads" too though and some black gangs but not many. The hispanics are usually the ones involved with the drive by shootings.

SueDid

03-06-2009, 05:48 PM

I agree %100 tweet. My dad was a hard ass but he was a loving caring father who taught us that life was not easy and things would not get handed to us just for being cute. My brother is being a hard ass by trying to keep his son down just because he is not doing things his way.

What does the bolded mean? Was DN involved with bad kids before he left his Dad's house? Keep him down how and what does "his way" mean?

I guess I'm not so willing to condemn the Dad only hearing one side of the story. Initially when we heard about this it sounded like DN was a good kid who needed a break because of an overbearing father, but now it sounds like he's had problems before.

If the father really is being unreasonable and, location-wise, his house would be the best choice, I really feel for this young man. Then again, someone bent on being with the wrong crowd will find one regardless of where you ship him.

03-06-2009, 08:02 PM

His being a "hard ass" means he won't let his child sleep in a BED and won't allow him to work at all. No matter what the kid has done , that kind of shit is nothing short of control and pardon the expression, knocking dick in the dirt.

3girls2luv

03-06-2009, 08:33 PM

DN is a good kid when he is not involved with these people. My brother has been a hard all the time which I personally think is why DN got involved with these people. He once called DN's X GF an "ugly fat bitch". I thought that was extremely harsh.

Sputterduck

03-06-2009, 09:51 PM

Wait a moment. Isn't he 18?

SueDid

03-06-2009, 10:51 PM

Yes, Sputterduck, he's 18.

His being a "hard ass" means he won't let his child sleep in a BED and won't allow him to work at all. No matter what the kid has done , that kind of shit is nothing short of control and pardon the expression, knocking dick in the dirt.

He's not sleeping in a bed at 3girls house. I realize it's because there isn't one for him, but a couch IS what he's sleeping on now. I know of quite a few parents who would rather their kids didn't work while in school because they know they can't handle both work and their studies.

I've seen it suggested here more than once that when a child is really rebelling that their stuff be taken away and it earned back. We have no way of knowing if this is the source of difficulties with DN and his father or not.

DN is a "good kid" when not with those people...so how much time has he actually spent with them? Enough that his dad was trying to make a point that life will suck if you hang around with the wrong people and don't finish school? How much time has to be spent with the wrong people before one is not so good anymore and the bad choices are taking over?

I'm not saying I think the brother is right, in fact, if what's being portrayed is accurate he doesn't sound like a very effective father. I just don't think there is nearly enough information to condemn him across the board, either.

3girls is having enough trouble with her own teenage daughter as it is, what happens when she sees the nephew lying, staying out until all hours, not coming home, associating with the wrong people, and disrespecting her parents and they are unable to do anything about it?

I don't know what the answer is, but I've been around long enough to know there are two sides (or more) to every story and the only one we have is 3girls' and she's rather a softie.

Sputterduck

03-06-2009, 10:57 PM

How can a court order an adult to get their GED?

JudyJudyJudy

03-06-2009, 10:59 PM

How can a court order an adult to get their GED?
I've never heard of it happening unless the adult committed a crime, and the judge made that part of the requirements. I truly think it's stupid to arrest an adult for truancy; what a waste of tax dollars.

03-06-2009, 11:05 PM

I don't have any reason to disbelieve what 3girls has said about her brother. I'm going to give her the benefit of the doubt and assume that what she's said is accurate wrt to her brother's actions and attitudes. I don't have reason to believe she would lie.

Yes, there are at least 2 sides. I am sure DN is no angel and I am sure the father is frustrated or angry or what have you. Still, what's been posted here shows him to be very controlling and as you said, not very effective. And a grown man..a father..calling a kid's X or non X a "fat ugly bitch" is just not a good example. Not allowing him a bed in his own home is just a way of being controlling. We aren't talking about losing the X box or having a curfew or even taking away luxuries. I do not believe personally that a bed is indulging in luxury. Given what she's said about here about him, I think he's doing a pretty piss poor job at parenting. shrug. He's not here to defend himself,obviously, but again,this is going by what 3girls has said and is saying. And again, I personally don't have a reason to not believe her account of her own brother.

Hopefully he'll end up somewhere where he's safe and treated with love and basic respect. Whether that be with 3girls or a grandma , I don't know. But his dad's place certainly doesn't sound like he'll be getting the latter.

03-06-2009, 11:18 PM

Also, I'm not saying to "condemn him across the board". I just don't think he's parenting well at all. And just because 3girls is a softie doesn't mean that her judgment is off.

Sputterduck

03-06-2009, 11:31 PM

I've never heard of it happening unless the adult committed a crime, and the judge made that part of the requirements. I truly think it's stupid to arrest an adult for truancy; what a waste of tax dollars.

It's truly bizarre. It's not required that people here have GEDs. How can you make someone get one? He is an adult, and is entitled to all the freedom that entails.

I would fight it just because it's so wrong to Make someone do something that is Not illegal to not do.

3girls2luv

03-08-2009, 09:40 AM

You all are making a good point about him being adult and the whole GED thing. I really have no idea why an 18 yr. would be court ordered a GED so I think I will look into it on Monday. DN is leaning more towards getting his GED, he going to wait to see what the judge says.

About my brother, I am telling you all exactly the way he is. I have no reason to lie and since I am serious about getting advice for DN I don't think lying about the situation would be in his best interest.

Wow I need to get some tough guy training because this is the second time this week that I have been called a "softie" ;) My co-worker told me that on Friday.