I dont know how much more I can take. Bloggy, depressing post [Archive]

WalkingTittyBar

03-13-2009, 08:29 PM

My kids make me truly miserable sometimes, today being one of those days.

My 14 year old is the most miserable, chronic-complaining, ungrateful, hardheaded, argumentive person I have ever met. Nothing makes him happy. Nothing. Nothing I say, do, or give to him makes him complain any less. Nothing is ever good enough for him. Ever. I truly believe he hates me and thinks he would be better off without me in his life. He will always be a miserable person, for the rest of his life, with his attitude.

His new arguement with me is that he wants to be "free". "Free" to him means that I allow him to come and go as he pleases, he stays wherever he can (even out in the cold), hangs with whomever, has no rules or boundaries. He is determinded to get a job, since you know there is a huge demand for 14 year old workers now. I would love to send his ass to a sweatshop in China for a month to see how he likes it. I am just so fucking sick of him and his attitude.

Another thing that makes me insane is that he complains that he will never get the money saved up for a new skateboard. He receives $10 every two weeks for an allowance and can earn more for more chores (which he will rarely do). All I ever hear from him is how "it will take FOREVER to get the money saved up". I think if I hear him say this one more fucking time, I am going to scream. I just wish he would shut the fuck up about it. He kept complaining at my moms last weekend about it and she ended up giving him $20. Nice reinforcement, huh? Im about to just do away with his allowance all together and see how long it takes him to save up then.

As for my 4 year old: he listens to absolutely nothing. I am really tired of dealing with him. Every time I get on the phone (which I hardly ever do because of how he behaves) he takes that opportunity to get into everything. I was trying to load the dishwasher (I just had on a tee-shirt and panties) and he came up behind me and pulled my panties down in the back.....twice. The first time, I told him nicely not to do that. The second time, I yelled at him to stop doing crap like that, and of course, it hurt his feelings and he puckered his lip and cried. I feel like shit for hurting his feelings but I am fed up with him doing this crap.

I dont know why I even try to be a good parent. Really. I see no point in it anymore. My kids have no respect for me. My 4yo loves me, but he doesnt listen to anything I tell him. Please remind me why I should care how my kids turn out, because its days like today that make me want to just give up and let them take care of themselves while I lay in bed and watch tv all day.

jessiehannan

03-13-2009, 08:30 PM

:hug: I am sorry your boys are being difficult.

I have days where I am convinced that my children hate me as well, they seem to do anything and everything that they can that is spiteful and irritating.
My DD has the same "nothing is good enough" attitude, but when it comes to food. No matter how hard I try to make things she likes, or season it for her, it isn't good enough. Ever. Because she didn't get to dictate how it was cooked or what it was. I quit trying, and told her, "Nothing I cook is ever good enough for you. I am tired of hearing complaints no matter how hard I try, so I just won't do it any more. You eat what I cook, or you don't eat. After a few days of her realizing that I was angry with her, she quit complaining. While it isn't the same, I just want you to know that something will work eventually.

alejorge

03-13-2009, 08:32 PM

I'm sorry. All I can offer is (((hugs))). I don't know how to help ya. I have days like that to.

tata

03-13-2009, 08:49 PM

Boy, do I ever know how you feel.

Take a deeeeeeeeeeep breath and remember: it's their "job" to test your limits. When you are feeling a bit calmer, maybe you can explain to your son (or ask your DH to) that he has plenty of opportunity to earn money, which he then must save for items he wants. Give examples of your own.

:hug: Hang in there.

Nipple_nectar

03-13-2009, 11:15 PM

BeachMama

03-13-2009, 11:41 PM

I'm sorry.

Have you looked into any parenting classes? I know some ladies who teach parenting classes and they tell the parents (who assume parenting classes are for parents who suck), "It takes a good parent to take a parenting class."

03-13-2009, 11:43 PM

Well, you know I've btdt and still am sometimes. I ended up getting a behavioral therapist to come out and it's been the ONLY thing that has helped me..helped us. It is not perfect by ANY means, but things are starting to look up. Maybe that might help you all?

WalkingTittyBar

03-13-2009, 11:57 PM

You know I could just commiserate with you and tell you stories about my 23 year old DS that would probably sound strikingly familiar, but that prolly wouldn't help:(

I would love to help you with a behavior modification chart, if you had the energy to invest. Trust me, I have had those days where I would rather stay in bed and pretend I DO NOT CARE!

I think Ive heard (well, seen) you talk about the behavior modification chart. I would like to hear how it works. Is it something to use for teens too?

My 4yo can be the sweetest little guy ever, but he doesnt listen to anything that dh or I tell him. At school, he is totally different. His teachers tell me that he is the best listener they have and is so well behaved. I feel so bad for yelling at him earlier. Later on, I was hand-washing dishes and ds pulled a stool up to the sink and told me he needed to help me rinse the dishes, "that is his chores and he needed to get his allowance". lol

DamnDrama

03-14-2009, 12:30 AM

BeachMama

03-14-2009, 01:26 AM

My middle son sounds a lot like your 4yo. Mine has been high maintenance since day 1. He just didn't listen at that age. I'd have to repeat things over and over and over...

I did a lot of counting to 3 w/ him and that helped a lot.

BeachMama

03-14-2009, 01:27 AM

DamnDrama...I don't think she's looking for a pat on the back. I think she's truly looking for help. She's at her wits end and being totally honest here.

tata

03-14-2009, 03:08 AM

Meredith

03-14-2009, 03:42 AM

I don't always like my kids.

For some people (myself often included), this is a place to vent, to get things off one's chest, to receive advice, encouragement, guidance, etc.

DamnDrama, your comment really rubs me the wrong way.

Me, too. Geeze. If disliking your kids from time to time when they push your buttons is a crime, then lock me up. That doesn't mean I (or anyone else, for that matter) don't love them. Many moms get frustrated and feel defeated and hopeless at some point. It sounds like WTB is honestly looking for help (which, BTW, I wish I had, but I don't). I'm sorry you're having a rough time, WTB. :(

Tulip

03-14-2009, 10:19 AM

I will always love my son, but I do not always like him. That doesn't make me a bad mother or him a bad son. It is what it is. We accept that we don't always get along with or like our siblings, parents, friends, etc. and society accepts that - it's normal. Marriages have ups and downs, parents can be overbearing, friends may not always be thoughtful. But come out and say those feelings also happen with our children and we're suddenly branded with the Scarlet M - the judgment that you're a bad mother if you don't like your children 24/7.

Faced with a 14 year old with a bad attitude and a typical 4 year old - I wouldn't be able to keep my serenity either. Hell, I've just got a 4 year old and some days DH comes home and I say, "He's all yours. I'm going to lock myself in the bedroom and take a nice long hot bath."

We can't get to a place of support until we're all honest about our feelings and stop ignoring the elephant in the room like it doesn't exist.

June Cleaver - perfect wife and perfect mother - is the figment of someone's imagination.

That WTB is here asking for advice shows, to me at least, that she does love her kids and wants a better relationship with them. She's *trying*.

And with that, I can only give you advice on the 4 year old since I haven't raised a teen yet. Get down on his level, hold his hands, make him make eye contact with you, and explain what you want him to do. "Please stop pulling my pants down. If you do it again, you will go to time out. Do you understand?" And follow through. It's time consuming, but he will eventually learn that "not listening" has consequences.

still_me

03-14-2009, 10:49 AM

:hug:

With DS2, I would try and redirect him. I would definitely make him a chart, and I would remember that 4 year olds are stinkers. TBH, it made me giggle that he pulled down your underwear. He is a 4 year old boy and if yours is anything like ours, mooning or pulling "tricks" is fun.

With the 14 year old, I would tell him that if he continues to complain he will lose his allowance and that he will also lose privileges. I would encourage him to get a job. I've worked under the table and odd end jobs since I was 12. I would also set up a job jar. Put in odd jobs to do around the house, and tell him that he will be paid for the work he does. Also, tell him that he will be hired or fired due to his attitude. If he balks at that, tell him that is how it is in the real world. If he complains that he doesn't want to do the jobs around the house, then tell him he apparently doesn't want more money and leave it at that.
I would also go back to counseling with DS1. Stick with it and maybe things will improve.

As for you, GET OUT OF THE HOUSE LADY! Yes, I am yelling at YOU! Take a break, get some perspective, and save your sanity by getting rid of any cabin fever you might have.

ima062002

03-14-2009, 11:22 AM

for your 4 yo i recommend reading through these articles and maybe get a book or two - http://www.howtoparent.net/ - there are a few books i liked that gave me a lot of material to work with; kid cooperation by pantley and how to talk so kids will listen & listen so kids will talk by faber and mazlish (although the format is annoying).

being a teen is hard for some. i remember very well how depressed i was, how much i hated my parents etc. but most of all, how miserable i was inside. it was a truly horrible time for me.

it is a very good sign that your 4 yo is behaving well at school, but it might also mean that he holds it in, bottles up every little upset etc. and then just falls apart at home, where he feels safe. i have felt like a punching bag as well and i am raising a very challenging 7 yo who has an explosive temper. she calls me 'idiot' and 'stupid' and other niceties several times a day. it wasn't until i realized that i needed to look at her as being challenged in the department of appropriate frustration processing, when our relationship started to change. i didn't get so angry myself anymore; i am working hard at helping her to recognize when her strong feelings take a hold on her and teaching her more appropriate ways to react to them. it's not easy though and there are days i fall back into my old way of responding - yelling, feeling insulted etc. but they are kids, even when they are teens and the more they act out, the more help they need. as parents we need to learn the tools. so my advice to you would be to concentrate on acquiring the tools.

ima062002

03-14-2009, 11:29 AM

She told me today that I yell too much. I told her that she doesn't listen enough. We are at a standstill.

so wouldn't you agree that yelling isn't working then? i used to yell a lot at my kids and saw that it didn't do anything other than teach them to yell at each other and me eventually. but it didn't make them behave any better and it damaged my relationship with them.

if you are interested in a positive discipline approach, this is a great start - http://www.howtoparent.net/.

DamnDrama

03-14-2009, 12:04 PM

tata

03-14-2009, 12:12 PM

So then, we're only allowed to complain about our kids ONCE before we're deemed selfish? I think your approach really sucks and very unlikely to do any good.

HammBugga

03-14-2009, 12:19 PM

I may be rubbing you the wrong way which I understand.
it's not like this is a one time deal here, this is an ongoing issue and as far as I can see the OP hasn't made any effort to turn the situation around. Very selfish post for a parent.

I disagree that she isn't making an effort. Posting about it here and asking for advice IS doing something. We all need advice from time to time. Not everyone can be a perfect parent like you seem to want people to believe.

SingingMom

03-14-2009, 01:07 PM

I think that looking for advice is a start. Some kids are really hard to parent. I know I've struggled with mine sometimes- but it's really, really hard to parent well when you get in a state where you just don't like your kids.

So you start by changing something. Trying something. With a teen, it can be hard to get back in a positive place. In this case, I'd consider offering the kid a dollar for every day he can get through without whining at his mom. Ding him ten cents for every whine. That'll give him some motivation to control the whining.

Offer him a job jar, where he can pick a job out of the jar and earn a dollar for every job well done. Or ask him how HE would like to solve his problem of not being able to save for a skateboard. I like to put the kids in charge of solving their own problems.

Four year olds are a different bag. Mine would think it was funny to pull down my panties. But I'd just go put on pants.

When you get in a really negative slump, you have to find a way out. The parenting fairy isn't going to hit you with the happy stick. Me, I try really hard to discourage behavior that irritates me. When I find myself saying (or thinking) "You always (insert irritating behavior here)", I know it's time for me to find a way to change something.

It can be so hard with older kids. You look at them and think, "Why don't you just behave better?" "Why can't you (whatever it is)?" But it doesn't help. You have to get to the part where you are influencing your kid's behavior instead of being rubbed the wrong way by it.

CPAMOM

03-14-2009, 02:07 PM

Tell him the 2 words that my dad told me at 14 ..... Military Academy....We didn't have a problem since.....

jessiehannan

03-14-2009, 02:21 PM

I may be rubbing you the wrong way which I understand.
it's not like this is a one time deal here, this is an ongoing issue and as far as I can see the OP hasn't made any effort to turn the situation around. Very selfish post for a parent.

I would much rather she vented here than took it out on her kids, and I am sure I am not the only one who feels that way.

WalkingTittyBar

03-14-2009, 03:07 PM

I have no where else to vent, so I do it here. My husband works long hours and I have little to no help with them.

Drama, I welcome your advice. Give me something effective to do rather than being critical of me for venting here and asking for advice. You have no clue what kind of parent I am. You dont know me. All you know about me is my posts here, which isnt very much. I was truly at my wits end with the boys yesterday. How would you handle it if every single day your 14 year old was defiant? I have went the counseling route, for ds and myself, and plan to start ds back in it after my surgery ordeal is over. In fact, he has an appointment at the end of this month with a new counselor. So please dont tell me that I am doing nothing about it.

I come here for advice. If I didnt care, I wouldnt be here asking for encouragement, advice, support.

I was not a normal teenager. I was 15 when I had a child and rather than pass him onto my parents, I raised him myself. I stopped my teenage life and took on that responsibility and I am not saying that I regret it for a second. But I dont know how to deal with a normal teenager because I wasnt one.

Wouldnt I be more shitty of a parent if I just said, "fuck it, I give up and Im not going to seek advice", rather than come here to vent and get advice from peers?

As for my 4 year old, his shenanigans are usually funny, but yesterday was not the time or place for him to pull his little antics. I know that he didnt know that, but I was at my wits end dealing with ds1 and snapped at my little guy.

ETA: As far as me not liking my children, I absolutely do like and love them. But I do NOT like their actions at times. And yesterday was one of those times.

ima062002

03-14-2009, 04:56 PM

And we are allowed to complain about the pains of parenthood. It makes us real and allows us to take constructive criticism and help from others. Any parent who pretends parenthood is peaceful and joyous 24/7 is faking it or on some great meds.

My link wasn't meant to be critical of you; it's just that I btdt and thought I'd share a helpful reference. I don't think the goal is to try to be a perfect parent, but one who uses tools that will help kids to become able adults eventually.

fwiw, the peaceful article isn't something i do, but the 'talk less, do more' one works really well for me. so if for instance my 4 yo refuses to take his plate to the kitchen, i will take him back to the table and if need be pick him and the plate up and walk to the kitchen to put it in the sink. he either does it himself or i will 'help' him do it. either way, the plate *and* him are going from the table to the kitchen. in the past i would have told him 10 times to do it, every time getting louder. every since i've started the 'getting off my butt parenting' my kids are far more likely to do things. my son almost never needs to be accompanied with his plate anymore. i've also taken away a lot from the authority article.

tata

03-14-2009, 05:08 PM

I liked some of the articles on your link, ima, but the name of that site leaves something to be desired.

03-14-2009, 05:30 PM

It's not cool for you to feel like this. They are children. You need to do something whether it's couseling,classes or just changing your attitude. This isn't the first time you have posted so severly about your kids. What type of response are you looking for? Support,commisseration,validation, someone telling you to walk out?
It's one thing to have a bad day, it's another to dislike your kids.

Wtf? It's NORMAL to feel like this. Seriously. When you have children with behavioral issues, sometimes you can really dislike them. They don't always like their parents,either. Venting about it and asking for help is completely different than saying,"Omg,kid, I don't like you right now!!!".

Now, I do agree that a behavioral therapist would likely be most helpful. Your post,otoh, isn't. And if you've followed her posts all along, you'd realize she is the opposite of selfish.

03-14-2009, 05:32 PM

WTB, don't listen to the negativity. The rest of us know and commend you for seeking help and not giving up.

WalkingTittyBar

03-14-2009, 06:08 PM

_Viva_

03-14-2009, 06:19 PM

WTB, I was your DS. I openly FOUGHT with my mother. She was out to RUIN my life. I wanted the freedom that my friends had. I rebelled. I told her she was the WORST PARENT EVER. I couldn't WAIT to move out, and, eventually, DID move out.

Then, I realized shit wasn't that easy! I had to work. I had to scrape. Yet, this woman, whom I told time and time again that I didn't NEED, was always there for me when i wasn't quite making it and needed help. Time and again, she helped to pick me back up. Time and again, I didn't show my appreciation.

I was a freaking IDIOT. I realize that now. And I worship the ground she walks on. I talk to her almost every day, and never forget to tell her I love her. We go on trips together. She comes up to spend a few days, but it never seems to be enough time.

I think back on what a brat I was when I was a teenager until I was about 25. Why that woman didn't disown me, I really don't know. Well, yes I do, now that I'm a mom. And you know, too, because you're a mom. And someday, your son will know, too. Maybe it'll take him becoming a parent to realize it, maybe it won't. I luckily realized it before I was a parent. I just woke up one day and thought, "holy shit. What the hell would I DO without my mom?"

You are not a bad parent. You are not alone. Your son is probably NOT a bad kid. He's just a teenager, and they think they are invincible. I know I sure thought so.

Hang in there, babe.

WalkingTittyBar

03-14-2009, 09:04 PM

Thanks so much for your post, Viva. I just dont know what to do with ds sometimes. When he was giving me a hard time yesterday over wanting to be "free", I told him that it really hurt mine and dhs' feelings for him to say those things. I need to stop taking it so personally.

One reason he was mad at me is because he has a 16 year old friend whose parents may possibly be involved in drugs. (small town, you hear everything here) I refuse to let him go to their house. There is no way that I will budge an inch on that. I have told him the friend (who seems to be a decent, but very lazy and misguided kid) is welcome to come over here. Ds is still pissed that I wont let him go to the friends house. He says he wont try the drugs, can take care of himself, I am baby-ing him, etc. But who in their right mind would allow their child to be in the home of a drug addict?

These conversations with him wear me down. Im, of course, never going to give up on him, but I sure as hell feel like it sometimes.

03-14-2009, 09:04 PM

WTB, I often have felt that way and still do sometimes. I've got your 4 year old's twin,lol. Our behavioral therapist constantly reminds us that bad parents would not care about trying to get help. They would not care. They wouldn't reach out and ask. That makes sense to me..it's just frustrating and depressing when you can't seem to get anywhere. I really do recommend getting one if possible.

WalkingTittyBar

03-14-2009, 09:10 PM

03-14-2009, 09:28 PM

Well, I got ours from asking his SN teacher. I'd call the school district first and see if they can help. Otherwise, your pediatrician should be able to refer you to someone. Just explain that you and your DH could really use some extra help and that you are at your wit's end.

Nipple_nectar

03-14-2009, 09:38 PM

I haven't been on much= real life drama! I would be happy to help you design a behavior modification chart for both the five year old and the fourteen year old. It is a reward based system and as long as you can follow through and be consistent, it really does motivate most kids into getting compliant and staying compliant:)

The hardest part is getting it all on paper! I could help you with developing appropriate rewards for desired responses. You focus on the positive instead of the negative. It would be goal oriented and teaches fundamental life skills that can be applied to any situation.

QuiltyConscience

03-14-2009, 09:49 PM

Thank you, Tweet. Yesterday was a bad, bad day. I can normally deal with ds' teenage shit okay, but I guess my pms got the best of me. I ask dh all the time if he thinks I am a good parent and he assures me that I am but I feel like a complete failure when my 14 year old is telling me that he wants to just be on his own and wants more freedom. Sometimes I need to hear that that is something that teenagers say and its not because I am terrible.

Almost every single weekend ds has friends staying all night and I am chauffeuring them around but yet ds swears that he never gets to do anything. It gets very tiresome hearing this and all his other complaints over and over and over. Eventually I lose my cool.

Ds' appointment at the end of the month is with a different counselor so I am anxious to see what he has to say. The counselor ds was going to before was very nice, but she really didnt seem to be much help. Im hoping this new guy will be more helpful.

Teens can really wear your ass out. If it helps, my DD, and most of the kids I worked with at school , at one time or another would grumble about how they didn't need anybody to tell them what to do. They know what they are doing, and Parents just don't get it. Kids that age tend to think they are much more mature than they really are. And, really you just can't convince them otherwise.

Do yourself a huge favor, for the next several years try really hard to not take his assessments of you personally. Treasure the moments when he's sweet and nice, but when he's grumpy, leave him alone. Don't try to get him to talk or reason with him at that point.

Learn to say " tough nougies" and go about your business. When he whines about it taking forever to save up for a skateboard, he's wanting you to fork over the cash or buy it for him.

Instead of feeling sorry for him, tell him," Yeah, you're right, it might take a long time to save up for that. But you know what you can do to earn some extra cash, so it's all you. I think you are resourceful enough to earn enough money to get a skateboard ." And then be done with that conversation. Walk off, leave that ball in his court, don't feel bad about it, and don't try to get him to see your point of view. Keep those conversations short and to the point.

It is a good thing for him to learn now that you have to work for things. You have to save up, not buy other stuff, and sometimes do jobs you just don't find pleasant.

I remember many times my Mother would interrupt my sister or me complaining about how we couldn't do this or buy that with " Well, either figure something else out or go sulk. You're smart, you'll come up with something".

ima062002

03-15-2009, 09:59 AM

Tweet, how would I find a BT? I am definitely willing to try anything. He can be such a sweetheart, but when he gets it in his head that he wants to do something, he will not listen to dh or myself. We can tell him something over and over, but he will still do whatever he wants.

No amount of time-out seems to work with him. He is so hard-headed.

Time-outs IMO don't do anything but punish a kid and make them resentful. They might or might comply later on, but it's not teaching anything. IN our house, if ds wants to do something and doesn't listen, one of the parents will get off their asses and physically remove him and if necessary hold him on the lap for as long as he is resisting. Those time-ins can be lasting for a while and initially get them mad. But the message gets across that when mom or dad say no, it means no. With this it is important to set kids up for success and be aware of which situations cause the greatest issues and avoid getting into them. That can mean not going certain places for the meantime or remove certain things from view etc.

Also, if he wants to jump on the sofa for instance and that is not allowed in your house, then find something he can jump on. I will say "Oh you want to do X? If you want to do X then do it here, doing it on Z is dangerous/may break it....". It gets the message across that it's fine for him to wanting to jump, but not on that particular item. Some things need to be enforced a lot of times, especially with strong willed children.

monarch

07-18-2009, 05:42 PM

Hugs to you.

I am a behaivor therapist by profession, have two wonderful girls, and I often think, "wow, I know what to do and still get frustrated and do the wrong thing!"

You can never go wrong if you deal with your children using this principle: THE BEST WAY TO DECREASE NEGATIVE BEHAVIOR IS BY STRENGTHENING (INCREASING) POSITIVE BEHAVIOR BY USING POSITIVE REINFORCEMENT.

Here's a good example of applying this principle:
So you start by changing something. Trying something. With a teen, it can be hard to get back in a positive place. In this case, I'd consider offering the kid a dollar for every day he can get through without whining at his mom. Ding him ten cents for every whine. That'll give him some motivation to control the whining.

I would just add to have him keep a simple record of how he's doing - just his initials on a calendar on days that he meets his goal. You could even make getting him the skateboard his long term reward, but he will need short term rewards to keep him on track.

My 8 yo is a real stinker at times; I can see her thinking it was real funny to pull down my underwear. She gets "tickets" every time she does something that I want her to do more of. For example, I want her to listen and do as I request the first time I ask. So, anytime she does this, no matter how minor the request, I say something like "Wow! You listened and did just what I asked! You get 5 tickets! I'm so proud of you!" Obviously, she has increased listening and doing as she's asked quickly because she wants to get tickets. In turn, ignoring what is asked of her has decreased.

She exchanges her tickets for things or activities (we've agreed on what they are and how many tickets it takes to get them). She is always able to exchange 100 tickets for a dollar, which seems to make her very happy at this point. Using this really makes a difference with her. It all comes back to the principle that to decrease problem behavior, use positive reinforcement to increase positive behavior. It works with all of us.

The tricky part is finding the right reinforcer.

Good luck and hang in there. I would agree that getting help is a great idea.