Help! Can anyone relate to me??? (martial issues)

[jodibug]

For the first time ever, my nearly picture-perfect marriage has hit a huge bump in the road. I just don't know if we will make it or not.

The issue is that my husband wants to go out on dates without our baby, and I don't.

and I just can't fathom why this is so important to him. I love spending time with him, but our baby is never in the way. I just can't think of anywhere that I want to go without her.

I also have to teenagers (14 & 16) and I know how fast they grow up. Laci (will be a year old on Saturday) is my last baby and I just want to enjoy every minute that I have with her.

I also have a lot of guilt over the fact that I have to work and she goes to a sitter while I am at work. I hate leaving her five days a week to go to work. I can't imagine being away from her by choice.

Another part of the problem is a babysitter. We live right in town. Can go to any restaurant or a movie and they are only a five min drive away. I could handle that.

Except that everyone who wants to babysit is a 30 min drive away out in the middle of no where. So we have to leave town and drive an hour round trip to drop her off, go to a movie which is five mins from our house, then make another hour round trip drive before I could get home and enjoy my baby. He is asking for four hours for dinner and a movie.... but realistically that would be six hours spent.

I would be right at the point where I would have to pump if I were away from her any longer. I don't want to take my baby to a sitter just so I can sit around and pump! I hate pumping at work and I would just much, much, much rather nurse Laci.

Laci won't drink any cow's milk, so I would have to have a bottle for the sitter. I am just barely keeping up pumping for daycare, so in order to have this "extra" bottle, I would have to get up in the middle of the night- probably two nights- to pump.

Laci is also at the height of her seperation anxiety. I know that being apart would not be enjoyable for either one of us.

Plus, if I give in and go and he can see that I am miserable (and I'm not an actress!) then he is still going to be mad. He won't want me to call and check on her, which I would insist on, so it would just open up even more problems.

Why is it so hard to understand why I don't want to get up two nights in a row to pump an extra bottle so that I can drive Laci (two hours total drive time) to either my mom's or my sister's (both who smoke) so that I can go out to dinner (which we do with Laci all the time) and then sit in a miserable hot, crowded theater to watch a crappy movie that I probably won't be able to hear through the kids all talking around me. I will be miserable knowing that my baby is looking for me.

It breaks my heart to think about being away from her for no reason. I have wracked my brain trying to think of another "date" to have with my husband.... but everything I think of (a walk in the park, trip to the zoo, etc...) I see us pushing Laci in the stroller. I just don't want to go anywhere without her.

Why is this so hard for him to understand????

(and my sister and mother are 110% on HIS side. They both had no problem shipping their kids off to overnight sitters at just a couple of weeks old and they can't understand why I need to be with Laci as much as possible.)

[Jacksmommy]

For me, it's not about what other people do or what other people are comfortable with, a date is between two people, if either of them can't enjoy it for any reason, then it's just not a good idea. What's wrong with renting a movie to watch after the baby goes to sleep? What's the rush to get away?

[crystal555rose]

My husband has suffered a lot because my attention is divided when we were once very focused on each other. We were together almost 10 years before baby so it was an adjustment to add someone else. I have the luxury of my husband being part time stay at home dad so he is also quite attached and doesn't really want to leave my son either. He also understands how I feel being away from him full time.

If I were you I would just lavish some love on your husband. As drained as you are try to keep giving him the little things that show him that you love him. I still try to cook things my husband likes, stay up late with him talking or watching movies (even though I put in a 9 hour day at work and a 4 hour evening of baby dinner/bath/bed routine). I support him going out with his friends or starting new projects (that he tells me all about and I listen with enthusiasm). I would explain with love that the little one will want nothing to do with either of you soon enough and you want to enjoy her while you can. You and your husband have a lifetime together!

Something else I have done, but my job is quite generous with leave, is take leave time during the week to be with baby then I feel okay letting baby spend the afternoon or evening with grandma while my husband and I go do something. Incidentally, going to see a movie is not an option. I will not sit silently in the dark with him, I prefer to go to a fancy dinner early in the evening where we can eat at our leisure and talk. We often go out with our son which is a lot of fun, but the dinners alone are also really nice. We go out maybe one evening per month if I have had time with my son and I feel okay about it.

You will get through this! Try a stay at home date- surprise him or something. Just try to remain loving and hopefully it will encourage him to do the same.

[whitnessforhim]

I think a marriage is just as important to nurture as your relationship with your child. Each and every relationship demands effort for it to be where it should be. With that being said, I believe you have a good point about driving an hour away for the babysitter. But if your husband is asking for alone time it is because he is reaching out and stating his needs. I think to maintain a healthy marriage its important to listen to his needs.

However, this doesn't mean you have to do exactly what he asks but sit down (as many times as you need) and talk this out, find a way to compromise. I think you both could come up with something, keeping in mind that each individual's needs in the household are important.

PP's have some great suggestions.

[Luvmyfam]

This is such a difficult situation because clearly you are not ready to go out with out your baby for that long of a period of time! I think you need to be honest with your hubby and really explain how you are feeling. Having a date night at home would be equally, if not more fun, because you would feel comfortable, which in turn would mean you would have more fun as a couple.

I think when a mom is breastfeeding she has a hard time being away from the baby for very long periods of time. That is how I feel. Hang in there, try to be open with your hubby and try to make a home date night very fun!

[BrandiJR]

I think a marriage is just as important to nurture as your relationship with your child. Each and every relationship demands effort for it to be where it should be. With that being said, I believe you have a good point about driving an hour away for the babysitter. But if your husband is asking for alone time it is because he is reaching out and stating his needs. I think to maintain a healthy marriage its important to listen to his needs.

However, this doesn't mean you have to do exactly what he asks but sit down (as many times as you need) and talk this out, find a way to compromise. I think you both could come up with something, keeping in mind that each individual's needs in the household are important.

PP's have some great suggestions.


I agree with this post! I left my dd for the first time when she was 3 months old...and after 2 miscarriages, I never thought I would leave her once she was here. I was only gone long enough to go grocery shopping (1 1/2 hours) but it was nice to get out with just dh and talk about what was going on...granted, baby came up in our convo...it was still nice. I am a sahm though, so I am not sure how I would feel if I had to work. I go to classes 2 nights a week, and it used to be hard for me to leave. I cried my first 2 weeks! I am ok with it now because after class I am able to stop at Meijer or Kroger to pick up this or that. It is nice because I do not have to get her out of the car seat and then put her back in the car seat. And it also gives daddy time with her.

I can not say what is best for you and your dh, but I know that I enjoy that one hour with just dh and I. What about your 16 y/o babysitting? What about asking dh maybe just dinner one night, and once a month do something different. Dinner one month, a movie one month...You never know, you might enjoy it. It would also be beneficial for your relationship with dh...