DH is moving out

[kasash]

He's leaving tonight and I don't know what we should tell the kids. :( DS(8) and DD(4) are going to be really upset. This is not my choice and I'm very sad about it. But it's what DH wants and I am at such a loss at what to say to the kids. How do I comfort them without crying myself? I am dying inside. But I don't want them to see that.

Please give me advice. Sorry if I rambled and didn't use my hard returns.

[RaisingThemLeft]

I'm so sorry :(

[_Gypsy_]

I'm sorry :(

BOTH of you need to talk to the kids...

Mine are 8 & 4 too, and we told them that mommy and daddy don't want to live with each other anymore, that it has absolutely nothing to do with them, they will still see daddy as much as they see him now, we both still love them very much and we let them ask us as many questions as they wanted. We told them that after we sell this house, that the only difference will be that daddy won't have his stuff there and he won't sleep there, and he will have his own place where they can visit.

http://www.cbc.ca/documentaries/doczone/2009/howtodivorce/tips.html

http://www.cbc.ca/documentaries/doczone/2009/howtodivorce/talk.html

[haleysmom]

I'm so sorry Kasash :(

[HammBugga]

I am so sorry.

[kasash]

We are both going to tell them. Am I supposed to lie and tell them Mommy and Daddy don't want to live together anymore? Because that is how DH feels, not me. But would it be best to tell them we both feel that way?

[3girls2luv]

I am so sorry. I like what Gypsy said. You need to let them know that it is not their fault. It is very important to be completely honest with you children when it comes to this.

((((hugs))))

[Sams3Boys]

I am so sorry.

[Peeka2]

I am so sorry! :(

[Tweet]

If that were our situation, we'd likely say that it was DH's decision..we probably wouldn't lie.

I am so sorry you're going through this:(

[Suzzzz]

I'm so sorry. I think it's important to tell them daddy is deciding to move out and all the other stuff. I wouldn't lie about my feelings in this circumstance. I would even tell them that I was very sad as well.

[3girls2luv]

I'm so sorry. I think it's important to tell them daddy is deciding to move out and all the other stuff. I wouldn't lie about my feelings in this circumstance. I would even tell them that I was very sad as well.


ICAM. Let them know how this makes you feel.

[KerryS]

We are both going to tell them. Am I supposed to lie and tell them Mommy and Daddy don't want to live together anymore? Because that is how DH feels, not me. But would it be best to tell them we both feel that way?

I would say something along the lines of "We decided that it was best if mommy and daddy live in different homes..."

Even though it's the truth, I absolutely would not tell them that it was their dad's decision, not yours. That's setting the whole situation up for division and side-taking, and it's not fair to the kids.

[jessiehannan]

I would say something along the lines of "We decided that it was best if mommy and daddy live in different homes..."

Even though it's the truth, I absolutely would not tell them that it was their dad's decision, not yours. That's setting the whole situation up for division and side-taking, and it's not fair to the kids.

I agree. And tell them that no matter what, that you both still love them very much.

[JulieBaby]

Im so sorry. I hope you can work this out and if not, that you can find some peace with the decision made by your DH.

[Crabbie]

I'm so sorry :hug:

[ima062002]

I would say something along the lines of "We decided that it was best if mommy and daddy live in different homes..."

Even though it's the truth, I absolutely would not tell them that it was their dad's decision, not yours. That's setting the whole situation up for division and side-taking, and it's not fair to the kids.

This. I am sorry that things are this way for you... The most important part IMO is for the kids to hear that this has NOTHING to do with them and they didn't do anything to cause this.

[Now_serving_number4]

I'm sorry, I have been wondering how you were doing. If you need to vent I'm here.

[Shades]

I would say something along the lines of "We decided that it was best if mommy and daddy live in different homes..."

Even though it's the truth, I absolutely would not tell them that it was their dad's decision, not yours. That's setting the whole situation up for division and side-taking, and it's not fair to the kids.

I agree and depending on how you look at it, it is the truth. Since he wants to go so much that he's actually moving out, it probably is for the best that he does, even though it's not what you want.

I'm so sorry. :( It's got to be devastating.

[WalkingTittyBar]

Im so sorry, honey.

[JudyJudyJudy]

I'm so sorry. :(

[still_me]

I agree with Kerry as well. I'm sorry that you are going through this.


IME, I wish my mom would have shown a strong front a kind of 'We will get through this and things will be okay' Instead, I listened as she cried herself to sleep at night. While I think it is good for you to say that you are sad too, please just remember they take their cues from you.

[paper_]

I would say something along the lines of "We decided that it was best if mommy and daddy live in different homes..."

Even though it's the truth, I absolutely would not tell them that it was their dad's decision, not yours. That's setting the whole situation up for division and side-taking, and it's not fair to the kids.


Don't forget that you can also show them some of your emotions. You are sad that it has come to pass, and that you will miss him. Though I agree that assigning blame is a bad idea.

[Laurens_Mom]

I'm so sorry Kasash :hug:

[alejorge]

I am so sorry. (((hugs)))

[CatSoup]

I pray that all of your hearts will be mended soon.

[Ma_Whit]

Oh, I'm so sorry. :(

I'd tell them something like, "Sometimes its best when husbands and wives don;t live together anymore, and that time has come for Mommy and Daddy. Don't worry, we'll still be your parents forever, we'll still love you forever, and none of this is your fault at all. This is about the grown-ups. Even though Daddy won't live here anymore, he will still be your Daddy adn you will still see him. It's okay to feel sad and mad when you need to, but just know that everything is going to be okay."

[PrincessEmilysMommy]

Thinking of you!

[nelsonwife]

Oh, I'm so sorry. :(

I'd tell them something like, "Sometimes its best when husbands and wives don;t live together anymore, and that time has come for Mommy and Daddy. Don't worry, we'll still be your parents forever, we'll still love you forever, and none of this is your fault at all. This is about the grown-ups. Even though Daddy won't live here anymore, he will still be your Daddy adn you will still see him. It's okay to feel sad and mad when you need to, but just know that everything is going to be okay."


You are my hero Mawhit!

I'm gonna use this too, since this is being rehashed by my 4 yr old.

I'm so sorry kasash.

[kasash]

Thanks everyone. MaWhit, we pretty said what you wrote. It went ok. Our 4 year old took it the hardest. She cried pretty hard for a while. She's very much a daddy's little girl. Our 8 year old had alot of questions..told us he's gonna cry his eyes out if we get a divorce. My 13 yr old took it well, said she was expecting it. That dh is never here anymore anyways. It was hard. Younger ones slept with me last night. Little one tossed and turned all night.

I was strong. I didn't cry. Though I haven't stopped crying today. DH took little one on errands and the other two are at school. When will the pain go away? I feel like my heart has been torn out. This is horrible. I never thought this would happen! UH! I'm a friggin mess.

[RedMamaBear]

Thinking of you today, Kasash. :hug:

[Justicedog]

I would say something along the lines of "We decided that it was best if mommy and daddy live in different homes..."

Even though it's the truth, I absolutely would not tell them that it was their dad's decision, not yours. That's setting the whole situation up for division and side-taking, and it's not fair to the kids.


I'm divided on this one. I don't think it's fair to lie. I think simply saying the fact - Daddy is moving out, rather than we decided. I don't know how to answer the questions though.

ETA: Ok, too little too late. I'm sorry. :hug:

[BeanBabies]

I would say something along the lines of "We decided that it was best if mommy and daddy live in different homes..."

Even though it's the truth, I absolutely would not tell them that it was their dad's decision, not yours. That's setting the whole situation up for division and side-taking, and it's not fair to the kids.



I agree. They are too little to understand the details and it would only open up a Pandora's Box of taking sides.

I know it burns your britches because it *is* your DH's fault and it's not fair that you have to take any of the 'blame', but I think at this time it's best.

I'm so sorry. :(

[Nipple_nectar]

I'm so sorry:( Please come here as often as you need for support, broken hearts do take very long to heal{{{hugs}}} Is there anything you want to talk about?

I think it is okay to cry and tell the children you are very sad, it will take some time for all of you to make the transition, in the meantime, be gentle with yourself:)

[Ma_Whit]

I was strong. I didn't cry. Though I haven't stopped crying today. DH took little one on errands and the other two are at school. When will the pain go away? I feel like my heart has been torn out. This is horrible. I never thought this would happen! UH! I'm a friggin mess.


It's going to take time and there will be ups and downs. For me, humor got me through. I sought out every funny sitcom, listened to funny audio books, read funny books, you name it. I made it a point to laugh every single day with the kids, and particularly, to end my days with laughter. I fell asleep every night for over a year to either Friends episodes or funny audio books.

I also rearranged the house and redecorated, doing my best to eliminate the hole he left. I brought in things I loved that he didn't, I rented movies that he always vetoed, I focused as much as I could on the things I could do now, no matter how small, that I couldn't do when we were together. I took all pictures with him in them out of the main living areas and put them in the kids' rooms or packed them up to show them later.

The kids saw me cry, too. They know I'm human. Sometimes we all cried together. They saw their dad cry, too, even though he wanted to leave. Your kids are different ages than mine were, much different. My oldest was 5 and had the hardest time--she had fallen asleep in her Daddy's arms nearly every night of her life. Bedtimes were awful for a very long time. 4 years later, she still has the hardest time with what her father and her relationship with him have become.

Mothering.com has a single parents forum that I check in on. Unlike some other parts of MDC, it's very inclusive and rational, and I'm sure many there don't consider themselves AP. I'll also PM you my email addie so you can contact me anytime. (I don't get PM notifications from here, for some reason.)

You will heal from this. You will. Grieve the future you thought you would have, and envision a new one where you can find happiness. Try to tune out the thoughtless and hurtful comments you may get from friends, coworkers, acquaintances, family members, and their dogs. You are not a failure, you are not to blame, and it WILL get better.

[3girls2luv]

Ma whit your post made me tear up. I remember those days when I had to pick myself up and move on. I was the one who left but it still hurt and there was still a huge hole to fill. My oldest was 5 and she took it the hardest. OP you will heal but it does take time so be gentle with yourself and come here anytime you need support. You can also PM me.

[kasash]

thank you everyone. very much.

[_Viva_]

I'm so sorry, kasash.

I think you handled it well. I don't know that I would have been able to not tell them it was his decision, although I can see both sides of that. I think if it would happen to me, I would tell them it was his decision. Because it was. I think he needs to own up for that, although I can see why some are saying they wouldn't let it be known.