Jealous of those with money

[cream_city]

So Mark was laid off a few weeks ago. I work, but was out from work on FMLA. My department has been very understanding and I've been able to pick up some work now and will be adding a summer school class, so the extra money will really help.

But it seems like everyone I know is talking about these vacations they're taking -- to Barbados, FL (3 people), cruise, Europe, etc. And a few people I know are buying homes (when we are struggling to hold onto ours at this point).

I feel like people are being incredibly insensitive. Here we are with a three month old and a six year old, and have just lost a chunk of income. Our parents haven't offered any help (instead both sets of parents have booked vacations in the last two weeks!). All anyone seems to say is that it's good that Mark is getting more time with Anna.

I don't want charity, per se. But I feel unable to talk to people because no one seems to understand, or realize that I can't eat out at restaurants with them, let alone deal with everyone heading off to warmer climes for fun.

[JustMoi]

I know what you mean. I'm the ONLY income, have been for years, and now I'm working as a temp and not making sh*t compared to this time LAST year. Lost my job in November ... in this economy, in MICHIGAN with all its issues. The teenager eats EVERYTHING, and can't seem to get it through his head that I can't afford to supply an unending amount of food. Driving me crazy.

[hidesome]

I can sympathize. I put myself through school while my friends went to the Bahamas on Spring break using Daddy's credit card. I got tired of hearing about it when I literally couldn't afford a movie or a decent steak or even a gallon of milk. I found it useful to find new friends.

[DamnDrama]

I have found the regardles of my financial situation, someone else is always better off.
I was recently reading a magazinque article that suggested it was proper ettiquette in this economic climate to play down play your finances. I tend to agree with that sentiment.

[jessiehannan]

It is hard. :hug: I go through it to.

[JudyJudyJudy]

People talking about their vacations doesn't really bother me that much. It's people like my recently-divorced sister who whine about not having money, yet I know what kind of settlement she got, who bother me. (Her ex kept the house, but she got a really nice settlement; when she married him 10 years earlier, she had been in debt up to her eyeballs.) She could literally pay cash for a very nice house right now and have plenty to spare, but she has to have a huge house with all the extras, and she keeps whining about how she wants a house like she had before but isn't going to be able to get one. I finally told her the other day, "You have fucking forgotten what it's like to truly not have any money. Instead you're whining about not finding a house with a fucking porch that will hold your swing."

[Sadalsuud]

That sounds like my uncle, Judy. He couldn't afford to help with a small ($40/mo) storage unit for my grandparents because he and his wife just retired and were struggling on $15,000 a month. They just had it so hard, they had to skip their week in Hawaii/Caribbean/some island for 2 months in a row.

I don't mind hearing people talk about their vacations, it is when they complain about not being able to spend 6 digits at a time that piss me off.

[SueDid]

Boy, do I hear you. Generally, I'm ok with our situation, we're paying our debts (most of it because of unexpected medical bills and business problems out of our control), we're all healthy and our kids respect the food budget and get that we don't really have money for extras right now. The older kids pay all of their own expenses.

I try to focus on what is good in our life, which is really everything except our tight budget. It's sometimes hard, though, when our best friends get medicaid, so all of their medical bills are paid (which I don't begrudge them at all,) yet have managed since this school year started to take a couple of vacations, have another planned, and my friend is taking her dd to Mall of America overnight for her 8th grade graduation gift. They spend more on food than we do, buy the kids all new shoes every spring and fall. I just don't get how they have so much to spend but make little enough to qualify for medicaid.

We actually know quite a few people who are quite well off, most of who are very humble about it and very generous as well.

I have another friend who is always letting me know about things on sale, etc. She says they are broke, but they go out for ice cream after the church softball games with the group, will tell me I have to go pick up such and such because it's such a good deal. When I say I have no extra money, I mean no extra money. I've learned to pinch every penny of our food budget and come home with a dollar or less after being to the grocery store. Most of the time there isn't money in my wallet again until next grocery day.

I'm a glass half full kind of girl so I try to enjoy the challenge of the tight budget instead of getting bogged down by it, but sometimes it's hard.

[JudyJudyJudy]

That sounds like my uncle, Judy. He couldn't afford to help with a small ($40/mo) storage unit for my grandparents because he and his wife just retired and were struggling on $15,000 a month. They just had it so hard, they had to skip their week in Hawaii/Caribbean/some island for 2 months in a row.

I don't mind hearing people talk about their vacations, it is when they complain about not being able to spend 6 digits at a time that piss me off.
Awwww, your poor uncle. I don't know how he survived.

That reminds me of my second oldest sister (the other one is the oldest). When I was 24 and single, I had an apartment, and my nephew (this second oldest sister's son, who was 21) moved in with me and was supposed to be paying half the expenses. (I had been planning to get a roommate to help pay expenses, so he said that he wanted to move in. He was making more in sales than I was as a teacher.) Instead, he left me holding the bag; he didn't pay shit! I ended up having to work two part-time jobs in addition to my one full-time job to make ends meet.

Well, one day my sister and I were talking about my mother. She is disabled and had just moved into a one-bedroom apartment. She didn't make enough money to qualify to live in the apartment, so my bil (the husband of yet a different sister) had had to sign saying that he would pay for the apartment if she didn't. Anyway, I'm telling my sister this and explaining that if each of Mama's children (there were six living at the time) would contribute $10 each per month, she'd be fine.

Here my sister and I are going up the road in her brand-new Volvo to go out to eat and have drinks in a sit-down restaurant (I was working all three jobs at the time, so I finally could afford to do things like this), and as she is lighting up a cigarette, she says, "I don't have an extra $10 per month."

I said, "Well, fuck it. I guess I can pay $20." She didn't say a word.

[Peeka2]

Boy, do I hear you. Generally, I'm ok with our situation, we're paying our debts (most of it because of unexpected medical bills and business problems out of our control), we're all healthy and our kids respect the food budget and get that we don't really have money for extras right now. The older kids pay all of their own expenses.

I try to focus on what is good in our life, which is really everything except our tight budget. It's sometimes hard, though, when our best friends get medicaid, so all of their medical bills are paid (which I don't begrudge them at all,) yet have managed since this school year started to take a couple of vacations, have another planned, and my friend is taking her dd to Mall of America overnight for her 8th grade graduation gift. They spend more on food than we do, buy the kids all new shoes every spring and fall. I just don't get how they have so much to spend but make little enough to qualify for medicaid.

We actually know quite a few people who are quite well off, most of who are very humble about it and very generous as well.

I have another friend who is always letting me know about things on sale, etc. She says they are broke, but they go out for ice cream after the church softball games with the group, will tell me I have to go pick up such and such because it's such a good deal. When I say I have no extra money, I mean no extra money. I've learned to pinch every penny of our food budget and come home with a dollar or less after being to the grocery store. Most of the time there isn't money in my wallet again until next grocery day.

I'm a glass half full kind of girl so I try to enjoy the challenge of the tight budget instead of getting bogged down by it, but sometimes it's hard.

Some people really know how to play the system. I know someone whose dh and her make decent enough money but the dh is an alchoholic. He spends a ton on beer(like 2 cases a day.) They have 3 kids and their kids have NOTHING. Crap for cloths and hardly any toys. Yet the dh can afford his beer and she goes out to the bar and to eat almost everyday and gets Starbucks 2 times a day. They somehow even managed to qualify for a scholarship so their dd can attend a private school.

Dh and I make half of what they do, our kids have 10 times more then what they have and my son somehow didn't qualify for the same financial aid at the same private school.

[JudyJudyJudy]

When I say I have no extra money, I mean no extra money.
I don't think many people understand this at all. The same sister of whom I spoke in my first post told me the other day that we are going to have to come up with $30-40 per month for dh to go to the gym (because of his weight). "lol9"

[JudyJudyJudy]

He spends a ton on beer(like 2 cases a day.)
Two cases a day?

[hidesome]

I said, "Well, fuck it. I guess I can pay $20." She didn't say a word.

That is classic.

[Suzzzz]

I feel like people are being incredibly insensitive. Here we are with a three month old and a six year old, and have just lost a chunk of income. Our parents haven't offered any help (instead both sets of parents have booked vacations in the last two weeks!). All anyone seems to say is that it's good that Mark is getting more time with Anna.

I don't want charity, per se. But I feel unable to talk to people because no one seems to understand, or realize that I can't eat out at restaurants with them, let alone deal with everyone heading off to warmer climes for fun.

You could ask your parents for help. They may think that if you need money you will ask for it and feel that offering help would be insulting.

[SueDid]

Wow, Judy, that is unbelievable. Even with our tight budget, if me finding $10 meant that my mom could make ends meet, I'd figure out a way to make that work, and my dh would be probably re-working the budget before I had finished the conversation.

[still_me]

You could ask your parents for help. They may think that if you need money you will ask for it and feel that offering help would be insulting.


I was thinking this also.

[Sadalsuud]

Judy, that is ridiculous. I think it is just that sense of entitlement and plain selfishness. She doesn't want to have to spend the money on anyone but herself.

[cream_city]

I was thinking this also.

I did ask for some help. She offered to help buy some clothes for Simon since it's coming up on spring. She lives near a huge outlet area, so I said that would be great.

The clothes didn't arrive and so I asked about it again, and she said she'd forgotten and asked what he needed.

I'm sure she'll pick some stuff up because she is generous, and normally I don't care when people go on vacation. We've only ever gone on one family vacation because even before Mark lost his job we couldn't afford it.

But this time it's bothering me, I guess because there's really no one to be angry at about Mark losing his job and it's just so frustrating. I'd love a grocery card or something, but it would be weird to ask for one.

[ZacKat]

We are doing okay as is this region in general, but we live paycheck to paycheck still. This weekend we blew a large chunk of change starting to put up a much needed replacement fence and blew the budget on cement alone.

We also have friends who make money hand over fist. They just threw the biggest child's birthday party I've ever seen.

I do keep in mind, though, with my daughter's birthday coming up, that my life isn't there's and there's isn't mine. I just do my best and try to be happy with what we have.

No, it's not cool to flaunt, but define flaunt. Are they saying, "neener, neener, neener" or are they simply talking about their vacations?

[Tweet]

I'm beginning to think it's better to just not discuss homes,vacation,jobs or anything with my friends. Ever. I've always been truly happy for them when they've been able to have something extra. I may get a ping wishing we could do the same, but I would not call it jealousy.

However, I have found that not all feel the same as I do. I was telling a friend how DH had gotten a much needed raise (it was a good one, $3..and he's still worried about getting laid off). She just nastily said, "Wow. I really don't want to hear it. We can't even pay our mortgage). First of all, I had no idea. Last time I'd spoken with her, they were planning on purchasing a half million dollar home. Second of all, Iwasn't gloating. I was happy for him. He worked his ass off for it and our family time suffered in order for him to be able to get it.

Funnily enough, she recently asked if DH could get her DH a job. This was after him thumbing his nose at the union because he didn't want to take the drug test. He wanted his own businessso he could as he pleased. Which is fine, but they've also been w/o insurance and his wife has MS and his dd has JRA. DH said he could call him and see what he could do, and the dude never called.

I just don't talk about stuff anymore for fear of someone feeling hurt.

[Peanut1207]

I think anytime there is a big shift in situation it's hard for people to deal. We are down to 1 income by choice and it's been a very, very difficult transition for me. i've worked since i finished college, bought my own condo at 22 and now i'm fully dependent on DH. It's hard for me to not have my "own" money or afford vacations that I used to take and I try not to complain about it because I know how much others are struggling and i know this is a choice that I'm making. It was never "my" money and "his" money but knowing that I'm not supplying anything is hard to deal with after being self sufficient for so long. Times are very tough across the board and I think everyone needs to be more cognizant of that.

[leosmommy]

I think that "broke" is just a subjective term. What it means to me, isn't what it means to you.

[cream_city]

"Broke" may be a subjective term, and some people may feel short on money when really the problem is that they always want more.

And I wouldn't say we're broke.

But it's more than feeling the pinch of the economy. Nobody that I know could possibly be okay with losing over 60% of their income. Nobody I know lives that far below their means. We were saving before, but that's because I ordinarily don't get paid for three months during the summer. So our savings are really just what we needed to get through those months.

And Tweet, what you said is exactly what I feel like a lot of people are saying when they comfort us. They are worried about layoffs themselves, etc. But when they're getting raises or planning vacations, it just feels insensitive (not saying this about you, but about people we know IRL).

For example: I was talking with my mom on the phone less than a week after Mark was laid off. She tells me we need to roll with it. (WTF?). Then, she starts talking about how worried she is that my dad isn't going to get what his company owes him when they buy him out after he retires (which is something like a million dollars, btw, according to her).

Basically, within 5 minutes she made the whole thing about how scared she was and literally was talking about how terrified she is that they'll wind up in subsidized housing when they're retired.

Okay, fine. But then a week later they're going to Florida for nine days????

[Tweet]

Yes, I do know what you mean. Now, had I known friend was having struggles, I wouldn't have mentioned DH's raise. It was a surprise to me, since they'd just been planning on this very expensive (well, to me anyway) home. However,I also thought it insensitive of her to just say I DONT WANT TO HEAR IT! Shit, at least pretend you're glad we got some good news for once!

I think there is lightly a balance. Right now is a hard time. We'd do well to be aware of circumstances and tread lightly. No one needs their noses rubbed in the fact that others aren't feeling strapped. The "roll with it" comment would have upset me, too. But, maybe she was trying to make you feel better.

[RaisingThemLeft]

I don't think many people understand this at all. The same sister of whom I spoke in my first post told me the other day that we are going to have to come up with $30-40 per month for dh to go to the gym (because of his weight). "lol9"

I agree. People think when you say you can't afford something, that you mean you just don't feel like spending the money. It's annoying sometimes. A friend of mine was saying how this special gymnastics that she sends her ds to that is specifically for autistic kids is so great and that Sam (my son) would love it too. I asked her if it was covered by insurance and she said no and told me the price. I said that it sounded like a great program and was probably wonderful for her son but we couldn't afford it (we are sooo house poor). She started telling me how she thought it was just really worth it and important, so they went ahead and spent the money. When I said I couldn't afford it, I meant I couldn't afford it. I can't just pull $120 bucks out of my ass each month. It would be great if it worked that way. We had friends bugging us to take a cruise with them too, even after we explained multiple times that we just couldn't. They are extremely well off but usually pretty down to earth people. They even suggested we put it on a cc! I'm not putting a vacation on a cc. I felt bad when I had to put the kids dental work on a cc, but that was a necessity, a cruise is not.

[RaisingThemLeft]

Funnily enough, she recently asked if DH could get her DH a job. This was after him thumbing his nose at the union because he didn't want to take the drug test. He wanted his own businessso he could as he pleased. Which is fine, but they've also been w/o insurance and his wife has MS and his dd has JRA. DH said he could call him and see what he could do, and the dude never called.

I just don't talk about stuff anymore for fear of someone feeling hurt.

MS can affect your brain and the things that you say. My grandma had that.

[HammBugga]

I don't begrudge my friends nice things. I do wish my dh would get his old job back though. We are living on a very small income. It sucks wondering if there will be money for clothes for DS or even enough food stamps to last the month. I never saw myself using foodstamps, as an adult, but here I am. I have to remember to be grateful Dh even HAS a job, even if what they are paying him should be a crime. He didn't have a job for 7 months. Then he got one and was laid off again 6 weeks later.

[SerialMom]

I don't begrudge my friends nice things. I do wish my dh would get his old job back though. We are living on a very small income. It sucks wondering if there will be money for clothes for DS or even enough food stamps to last the month. I never saw myself using foodstamps, as an adult, but here I am. I have to remember to be grateful Dh even HAS a job, even if what they are paying him should be a crime. He didn't have a job for 7 months. Then he got one and was laid off again 6 weeks later.


I agree with this. I don't begrudge anybody nice things. Life has it's ups and downs, it is how you repond to it that matters. Some of us have made choices to live on a shoestring budget, some of us have been thrown into it. I used to have alot more money, I also had alot more problems. For me, having less is a blessing. It will make you stronger, and it will make your family closer if you don't let it tear you apart.

Money and things cannot buy nor replace love and happiness.

[WalkingTittyBar]

I am so sorry, CreamCity. I know exactly where you are coming from. We just lost a good chunk of our income with the cut-backs at dhs' job. I had plans of helping my brother, whose business is near going under, but I dont know if I will be able to afford it now.

[Bellaelle]

I am sorry you all are having financial troubles. I hope things better for you soon.
I think jealousy is really a normal reaction. We all have our tipping points. However, perhaps those people are just excited about their trip and want to share their joy. If they are doing it to rub it in your face, then that is just rude.

[cream_city]

I think I just want someone to be angry with -- "the economy" just isn't a very satisfying target. I'm feeling better about it today, it's just still part of the transition I think.

[Tweet]

I agree. People think when you say you can't afford something, that you mean you just don't feel like spending the money. It's annoying sometimes. A friend of mine was saying how this special gymnastics that she sends her ds to that is specifically for autistic kids is so great and that Sam (my son) would love it too. I asked her if it was covered by insurance and she said no and told me the price. I said that it sounded like a great program and was probably wonderful for her son but we couldn't afford it (we are sooo house poor). She started telling me how she thought it was just really worth it and important, so they went ahead and spent the money. When I said I couldn't afford it, I meant I couldn't afford it. I can't just pull $120 bucks out of my ass each month. It would be great if it worked that way. We had friends bugging us to take a cruise with them too, even after we explained multiple times that we just couldn't. They are extremely well off but usually pretty down to earth people. They even suggested we put it on a cc! I'm not putting a vacation on a cc. I felt bad when I had to put the kids dental work on a cc, but that was a necessity, a cruise is not.


Ugh! DS's OT really,really wants him to get vision therapy. Well, at a couple hundred dollars PER APPT, (insurances do not cover it most of the time as it is still considered not necessary and sometimes alternative care) there is NO way we could afford to budget it. It just isn't there. She kept going on and on about how it would greatly benefit him and what it had done for her son..how we should try REALLY hard to find away. *****lady! Stop making me feel like shit..IT.IS.NOT.THERE.! Argh.

[Ilovemonkeys]

Broke is unsticking the last 4 pennies from the change tray to add to the quarters and dimes and get $2.74 in gas so you can make it home.

Broke is skipping dinner so your kids can eat.

Broke is eating Ramen noodles and Rice-a-Roni or not eating at all.

Broke is seriously considering filing for divorce so that you can work without worrying about your kids losing their insurance if you make too much money. Too much being $300 a week for 6 people.

Broke is begging the power/water/gas company for one more day.

Broke is buying groceries for 6 people with $25.

Broke is spending an entire paycheck to keep the power from being turned off.

At least, that's broke for me.

[whitnessforhim]

We've been on one income for almost 3yrs (not by choice). I don't find myself all that jealous of what others have. I grew up "broke" but I enjoyed my childhood. Being broke didn't determine how much fun I had and I still feel the same way today. Sure I'd like more money but I'm ok with the season we're in now.

[cream_city]

I just wanted to say that I feel for all of you who are struggling -- and it puts things in perspective to remember that things could be far worse.

[SerialMom]

Broke is unsticking the last 4 pennies from the change tray to add to the quarters and dimes and get $2.74 in gas so you can make it home.

Broke is skipping dinner so your kids can eat.

Broke is eating Ramen noodles and Rice-a-Roni or not eating at all.

Broke is seriously considering filing for divorce so that you can work without worrying about your kids losing their insurance if you make too much money. Too much being $300 a week for 6 people.

Broke is begging the power/water/gas company for one more day.

Broke is buying groceries for 6 people with $25.

Broke is spending an entire paycheck to keep the power from being turned off.

At least, that's broke for me.


Amen. On the plus side, it is an excellent diet plan and a chance to try new and interesting foods, as our local food bank seemed to get some different foods. I still have a big hunk of tripe in my freezer. lol

[JudyJudyJudy]

Broke is unsticking the last 4 pennies from the change tray to add to the quarters and dimes and get $2.74 in gas so you can make it home.

Broke is skipping dinner so your kids can eat.

Broke is eating Ramen noodles and Rice-a-Roni or not eating at all.

Broke is seriously considering filing for divorce so that you can work without worrying about your kids losing their insurance if you make too much money. Too much being $300 a week for 6 people.

Broke is begging the power/water/gas company for one more day.

Broke is buying groceries for 6 people with $25.

Broke is spending an entire paycheck to keep the power from being turned off.

At least, that's broke for me.
See, to me, the things in bold black go beyond broke. I hear people say they're poor when they actually mean broke, but those things truly mean poor. Broke is barely making ends meet (juggling the utility bills, etc.) and having no extras at all. When you can't feed your family, that goes beyond broke.

The part in red is a whole other issue. It's a damned shame that the health of our society isn't a priority, and it's a shame that people are encouraged not to work so that they can make sure that their kids have healthcare.

[still_me]

We basically live on DH's income. I do work, but how much is really dependent on tourists and greatly on the economy. Regardless, I am thankful for what we have. Things can get tight, but we are saving and going on a vacation this year. Could we just sit on the money? Sure, but we have some savings and really we deserve this vacation. For the last 6 years we have watched our money, paid off debts, and bought a house. Things have been and probably still will be tight, but I'm fine with all of the sacrifices. I have been able to stay home with both boys for the majority of their first years and living tightly has made me realized what the true difference is between wants and needs.