My XH's mom is very ill.

[3girls2luv]

She is 84 yrs old IIRC and she has been at home with XH's wife but she has been gradually getting worse and has needed more care but she refused Homehealth.

She was in the hospital for about 3wks because she developed a bed sore and had to have surgery for it.

Now she is in an extended care facility in the town I live in, XH and his wife live about 60miles away and can not come see her very much.

I took my dds to see her yesterday since they are her only family that are near by. They both tried to wake her up but she was just sleeping the whole time. The woman hates the fact that I am alive but she is my dd's GM so I sucked it up and took them anyway. She was very mean to me while I was married to her son but I never let my dds know this.

XH asked me if I could go by and check on her when they can't and I said I would. He said she her memory is slipping and she only remebers things and people from the past. I said "great I'm sure my face will bring back great memories." He laughed cuz he knows how his mom is/was. Anyway if you could please send T&P for my dd's granny.

[jessiehannan]

Thinking of her and your dds. I know it has to be hard on them as well.

[JudyJudyJudy]

It's really sad when someone gets to this point. I hope the family will deal well with it. It's nice of you to push aside negative feelings from the past and do the right thing.

[3girls2luv]

DD2 is taking it pretty hard since she sees her more than dd1 and they are still pretty raw from loosing my dad over a year ago. I'm just not too sure how much they should know about her condition. Their dad just tells them that she is sick but they are not buying that and they ask me "mom you are a nurse tell us the truth." I told them I don't know much because I can not ask the nurses since I am not immediate family. I know at one point they will realize that granny is pretty sick.

[JudyJudyJudy]

I think you need to be as honest with them as possible for their ages. There is little worse than a surprise death.

IMO, your dd1 is definitely old enough to be told the whole truth. I don't remember how old your dd2 is.

[SueDid]

I think you need to be as honest with them as possible for their ages. There is little worse than a surprise death.

IMO, your dd1 is definitely old enough to be told the whole truth. I don't remember how old your dd2 is.

I agree with this. While you can't give them details you don't know, you do know that she appears to be gravely ill. I think you need to tell them, hard as it is. You are better suited to know how much they can handle and how best to tell them. It would be terrible for them to hear it from someone else, or worse yet, to overhear it, perhaps in terms that will be more upsetting to them than how you would tell them.

[Bellaelle]

I hope she will feel better soon. I agree with Judy that is it very nice of you to put aside the past.

[Tweet]

I think it is great that you are putting your past issues aside and are visiting with her now. I am sure this is good for your DDs to see her before she goes, too. It is nice that she will have some comfort.

I do agree with Judy that it's better to prepare them (in age appropriate ways) that her health is rapid;y declining. My parents tried to always hide things like that from me all of my life. I did not attend a funeral until I was in my 20s. I had no reference for illness or death. As a result, when my mother was killed unexpectedly, I had a harder time than to be expected because I had no experience dealing with death and dying.

I don't want to be Debbie Downer;I want to be the opposite. Death and dying are a part of life ( obviously) and we deal with it very strangely a lot of times in our country and in some of our cultures. I think it is best to give kids some knowledge and experience as it comes up in their lives. Just my .2 after not having a chance to deal with it as it was coming up in my own life.

[3girls2luv]

Thanks ladies. DD1 realizes how sick she is but she seems to be avoiding the truth and dd2 said she hopes her GM gets better but she does not want to see her suffer. Their dad told me yesterday that she was sitting up and talking yesterday but she is talking like its 1955 and she is talking like the people that have died before her are still alive. He wants me to call a priest to give her the annointing of the sick so I will work on that today.

He said that he wants to sit down and talk to our dds with all of us present and prepare them for what may happen. I am going to get a book from one of our social workers here that is about preparing children for death and how to explain things to them in a way that they can understand. He has 4 dds including mine and the younger ones are 6 and 9 so we may have to talk to them separately.

[JudyJudyJudy]

Their dad told me yesterday that she was sitting up and talking yesterday but she is talking like its 1955 and she is talking like the people that have died before her are still alive.
Some people live like that for years; some people don't live like that long at all; and some are only like that temporarily before getting better. You just never know.

[3girls2luv]

I worked in a nursing home for over 2yrs and I saw so many people like that and it was just so sad. I don't know what is worse, walking around confused and disoriented or in bed being fed with tubes in a vegatative state.

My granny is also in NH right now and she is alert but needs 24hr nursing care because she has had multiple strokes and can't move around on her own. She is sharp as a tack and gives the nurses a run for their money.

[JudyJudyJudy]

Since you're a nurse, you may already know this, but make sure your ex's mother isn't dehydrated. Every time my mother has gotten to where she thinks she's living in the past, she has been severely dehydrated.

[3girls2luv]

When I saw her on Sunday she was receiving IV fluids so she probably was dehydrated. I told XH to get a list of her meds and look them up so he knows what she is getting. After her surgery she was on Morphine and that really knocked her out so XH told them to stop giving it to her and when they did she woke up and was a little more lucid but yesterday she was a little off. She is in a new facility so this is why I told him to get a list of her meds to make sure they did not start her back on morphine.