Could you live with someone . . .

[SemperGumby]

that equated the loss of your child to the loss of their pets, and said it repeatedly? This person also said, "Oh, I forgot, the baby."/ after you had said "Yes. I did."/ to her suggestion that you had never seen a grown man cry like her husband when their dogs died.

There are deeper issues at play as well. Just addressing this one right now.

[Iconoclast]

Could I? Yes. I have lost a child, and I got over it, moved on and realized that other people also experience loss. If they cannot put their loss into perspective, that is their issue, not mine. Don't let other people live rent free in your head.

[MMof5]

I'm so sorry, Brittany! I've thought of you often.

No, I wouldn't put up with it. I would go ahead and tell her that her words are hurting you.

I wish you healing, sister!

~Missionary Momma~

[SemperGumby]

I don't see losing a child as something to "get over." It didn't happen all that long ago. For a MIL (or step-MIL) to say that is more than a little upsetting. He was named after her father, or at least his last name. The idea that she "forgot" and tried telling me I hadn't seen a grown man cry or bawl his eyes out pissed me the fuck off. I already had issues with her, but this made it worse. It has nothing to do with thinking she can't grieve the loss of her dogs. She has every right to think her loss compares to losing a child, but to tell a grieving parent that is a major case of open mouth, insert shoe store.

[Iconoclast]

I think you are overreacting to someone elses words b/c you have not yet healed from your own loss. Why do you care how deeply she (or some other) has felt a loss or how ineffectively they cope? It isn't a contest to see who has suffered the most and you should not personalize an abstract comment. Deal with your own grief and leave her to hers.

[vulturemom]

I don't think losing a child is something that you get over. It is something that becomes a part of you.

It will have been 8 years this December sense we lost our baby boy and while it doesn't consume me like it did at first it is still there.

I have to admit that I would have a hard time living with someone that minimized my loss.

[Maret00]

My dads side of the family dont remember bad things that happen to them or me. It is there way of coping with things that they find upsetting.

My dad doesnt remember hitting with me balled in a corner or my mom tring to get him to stop he doesnt remember why he would have to leave the house in a temper. My grandmother doesnt remember having to step in between me and my father when he was about to attack me. Her "wonderful good father son" would never have attacked me!

I would say something to her and try to relize that it could be part of her way of handleing things.

[Iconoclast]

Well, the question was "could you..." Yes, I could, b/c I grieved, acknowledged my loss and moved on. It is in the past. I live in the present and look forward to he future. I don't think it is healthy for the OP (or anyone) to dwell on an offhand comment. She is giving the speaker far more power than she should.

[SemperGumby]

I think you are overreacting to someone elses words b/c you have not yet healed from your own loss. Why do you care how deeply she (or some other) has felt a loss or how ineffectively they cope? It isn't a contest to see who has suffered the most and you should not personalize an abstract comment. Deal with your own grief and leave her to hers.


Where did I say I cared how deeply she has felt a loss or how ineffectively they cope? She can grieve and feel devastated all she wants, but it was a bad move to tell me that. I still think it was fucked up of her on many levels.

[SemperGumby]

My dads side of the family dont remember bad things that happen to them or me. It is there way of coping with things that they find upsetting.

My dad doesnt remember hitting with me balled in a corner or my mom tring to get him to stop he doesnt remember why he would have to leave the house in a temper. My grandmother doesnt remember having to step in between me and my father when he was about to attack me. Her "wonderful good father son" would never have attacked me!

I would say something to her and try to relize that it could be part of her way of handleing things.

Even if I addressed it she would of course backpedal or pretend she didn't say it. She's good at changing her stories around. I can't live with someone I don't like for 8-9 months. That was just one issue. There are many others that have factored into me moving out. She wouldn't have said that if it were her child or grandchild. She and my husband aren't close at all, so I figured that's why she's more withdrawn from the loss.

[AuLait]

I think how you feel and are acting is understandable and normal given how recently your loss occured. In time, comments from others may not hurt you like they do now. I agree with Icon in theory about giving others power over how you feel, but for me I've found that very hard in practice when the pain is still open and raw.

People do weird things when dealing with grief. Some want to forget, others want to minimize, others compare it to previous losses. None of those are wrong in and of themselves, but it can hurt when two people who are dealing so differently communicate.

I'm very very sorry that you have to deal with this pain Semper.

[Scissors]

Never.:hug:

[BeanBabies]

wow. I think what she said to you was awful. I'm sorry you have to hear that. :(

I think maybe your DH should have a little chat with her. (Or his Dad who would then talk to his wife.) If she is dense about this, she needs to be told.

I, too, have lost a baby. (Far earlier than you, though.) And I'll be damned if I'll tell you that it's practically your fault because hey, you let her get to you. Hang in there.

[HammBugga]

She sounds like a self-centered, self-absorbed bitch. I could not live with someone like that.

[tata]

I'm sorry you are hurting, Semper. :hug: I truly cannot imagine.

[Nipple_nectar]

She sounds like a self-centered, self-absorbed bitch. I could not live with someone like that.

Exactly. I am sorry she hurt you like that{{{ hugs}}}

I would have to tell her in no uncertain terms, how I felt. I am in a very cleansing period of my life and ridding toxic people has been rather invigorating, I wish you luck on your new journey and sparing her feelings would not be an option for me.

[JudyJudyJudy]

I am so sorry you're hurting. :( I think your mil is an ass and chose the wrong time to say anything and the wrong thing to say, period. I seriously doubt I could live with her (not that I could live with my mil anyway).

As for losing a child, IME based on others (I've had miscarriages, but I haven't actually lost a full-term baby or a child), most people never really get over the loss of a child. I know elderly women, including my mother, who still cry over the loss of their children.

As for the pet question, I have two cousins for whom the losses of their pets are as close to the losses of children that they'll ever experience (they have no children). These cousins take better care of their pets than many people I know take care of their children. I think one of my cousins had what many call a "nervous breakdown" after the loss of one of her dogs; she is now on head meds and hasn't ever seemed quite the same since, so you never really know how losses can affect someone.

[Meredith]

I'm so sorry, Semper. :( I can't imagine going through this kind of grieving process while living with someone so careless. I, personally, would not be able to stand living with someone whose words hurt me over and over again like that, and would likely continue to hurt me. I don't think it's fair to you to have to deal with that on top of what you've already been through. :hug:

[Babyhellfire]

I think how you feel and are acting is understandable and normal given how recently your loss occured. In time, comments from others may not hurt you like they do now. I agree with Icon in theory about giving others power over how you feel, but for me I've found that very hard in practice when the pain is still open and raw.

People do weird things when dealing with grief. Some want to forget, others want to minimize, others compare it to previous losses. None of those are wrong in and of themselves, but it can hurt when two people who are dealing so differently communicate.

I'm very very sorry that you have to deal with this pain Semper.


I agree . I am so sorry Semper :hug:

[Tweet]

No, I wouldn't be able to live a rude asshole for that length of time. And I would not if I had any say in the matter. I think it is so much worse because of the timing. And really, I'm suspicious that she is saying these things on purpose to be purposefully hurtful. I mean, who does shit like that,seriously?

[Aeonkat]

wow. I think what she said to you was awful. I'm sorry you have to hear that. :(

I think maybe your DH should have a little chat with her. (Or his Dad who would then talk to his wife.) If she is dense about this, she needs to be told.

I, too, have lost a baby. (Far earlier than you, though.) And I'll be damned if I'll tell you that it's practically your fault because hey, you let her get to you. Hang in there.


Yep. I get people are close to their pets, but ***** to compare it to the loss of a child is insane.

[BeanBabies]

And really, it's not supposed to be a case of "mine's worse than yours" here. No one is diminishing a loved pet's loss. I've lost my angel pups over the last few years and it is devestating. No doubt.

My issue with the MIL is that she pulled the one-up card. There are some people who just aren't happy until they are more than/less than/higher than/lower than everyone else.

[SemperGumby]

And really, it's not supposed to be a case of "mine's worse than yours" here. No one is diminishing a loved pet's loss. I've lost my angel pups over the last few years and it is devestating. No doubt.

My issue with the MIL is that she pulled the one-up card. There are some people who just aren't happy until they are more than/less than/higher than/lower than everyone else.

That's what left me very dumbfounded. She kept saying "I'm sure our pain was just as much as yours" and here I'm thinking how could she have known our pain. It was a very awkward conversation. She doesn't make use of the filter she has. What would make her think to even turn it into that.

[KatieLou]

That's what left me very dumbfounded. She kept saying "I'm sure our pain was just as much as yours" and here I'm thinking how could she have known our pain. It was a very awkward conversation. She doesn't make use of the filter she has. What would make her think to even turn it into that.


Wow.

(((hug))) I am so sorry she has said such hurtful, stupid thing to you. No, I would not be able to live with her.

[Meredith]

That's what left me very dumbfounded. She kept saying "I'm sure our pain was just as much as yours" and here I'm thinking how could she have known our pain. It was a very awkward conversation. She doesn't make use of the filter she has. What would make her think to even turn it into that.

I just can't believe someone would say that. Even when comparing two child/infant deaths, two different people can experience two completely different types of pain, regardless of how similar their situations may be. I know people often try to identify with others who are grieving in an attempt to comfort them, but what your MIL is doing just astounds me. It's more like kicking you when you're down. :(

I'm so sorry. I can't imagine how much this is hurting you. :hug:

[StillSingingMom]

Pain doesn't come in buckets so you can compare the levels.

And idiocy is widespread. It is unfortunate that you have an idiot for a MIL. But since she has conclusively proved to you that she is an idiot, you get to decide how to handle it. Ignore it? Distance yourself? Limit all contact? It's up to you.

I don't feel about my pets the way I feel about my children, but I don't judge those who do. Well, okay, I think it's a little OTT. But fairly harmless.

[BeanBabies]

That's what left me very dumbfounded. She kept saying "I'm sure our pain was just as much as yours" and here I'm thinking how could she have known our pain. It was a very awkward conversation. She doesn't make use of the filter she has. What would make her think to even turn it into that.


Now the only thing I can think of that would make me go hmmm...is that maybe she is sick and tired of people telling her that her grief 'doesn't count' or it isn't 'real' because it wasn't a child. People minimize animal death all the time. You know. You say that your pet death devestated you. People nod at you all sympathetic like, and then they look at their friends behind your back and roll their eyes.

There is a possibility that she just forgot her audience. I don't know her, though, so I can only speculate.

That being said - maybe she's just an insensitive bitch. My Dh has a bad habit of one-upping and I fucking hate it.