WWYD-mind your own beeswax or tell?

[Tweet]

Long story short: Friend A tells you that she has a big crush on friend B's DH and "thinks" he likes her, too. Friend A also admits that she'd like something more to happen.You figure it likely will because Friend B's DH seems to like Friend A more than friends. You tell Friend A this is no good, think of Friend B, etc etc.

So, would you tell Friend B? Or would you just keep it to yourself? I'm leaning towards not saying anything since a) nothing has happened and b) it usually seems like no good comes from telling because it causes a lot of drama and everyone ends up hating the teller.

I do,however, feel badly for Friend B and if I were in her shoes, I'd most definitely want to know. I'm also shocked Friend B hasn't seemed to pick up on any possibility of an affair.

[Justicedog]

Tough call. I don't know that I'd reveal a confidence - Friend A's conversation to you. Perhaps asking or commenting about how chummy Friend A is with Friend B's dh. Hey, friend A sure seems to get along well with your dh huh?

I just don't know. If you were friend B, what would you want?

[HammBugga]

I would tell if friend B is a good friend.

[Crabbie]

How good is he friendship with B? If it is a tight friendshi I'd say something, if it isn't I'd hold back for a while.

[AuLait]

Are you interested in remaining friends with Friend A? You are right that it could all explode and cause LOTS of drama. Or, maybe B would just talk to her DH and make sure he knew that she was paying attention. But either way, it may get back to Friend A that you leaked her confidence. I would probably just stick my nose into A's business since she shared with me and encourage her not to look for trouble with B's husband and that you might feel led to tell B if you knew anything solid was actually happening and not just talk. If she did start something with B's DH, then yes, I would probably tell.

[Tweet]

I've known Friend B longer, but I'd say the level of friendship I have with both of them is the same. I've actually at times felt closer to Friend A. It's just that Friend B is a very,very good person w/ a good heart. She'd give the shirt off of her back. She totally doesn't deserve this,kwim?

I just don't know. I think that w/ the amount of time Friend A spends with the DH (they walk the dogs everyday just the two of them, she's over there when Friend B is at work, and she's over there every single night with all of them from the time she's off of work until she goes home to go to bed...even spends the night on their couch. This is every.single.day)something is going to happen if it has not already. She wants him. I think he has feelings,too, otherwise why on earth would he spend THAT much time w/her. I'm friends with him, too, yet we sure aren't hanging out 24/7.

If it were me, I'd want to know. I realize not everyone would.

[Tweet]

Are you interested in remaining friends with Friend A? You are right that it could all explode and cause LOTS of drama. Or, maybe B would just talk to her DH and make sure he knew that she was paying attention. But either way, it may get back to Friend A that you leaked her confidence. I would probably just stick my nose into A's business since she shared with me and encourage her not to look for trouble with B's husband and that you might feel led to tell B if you knew anything solid was actually happening and not just talk. If she did start something with B's DH, then yes, I would probably tell.


Tbh, I'm not interested in being close with someone that is willing to fuck her good friend's husband and have a part in ruining a marriage.

[SueDid]

That's what I was thinking, Tweet. I would be VERY unhappy to be put in that position and I don't know if I could keep from saying anything to Friend B. I wonder if Friend A told you hoping you'd say something to Friend B so that it forces the issue out in the open.

My sister used me to have an affair. She knew absolutely that I wouldn't want anything to do with it if I knew, so she lied to me to get me to keep her kids for the day. It still upsets me to think about it and I'm sure part of why the OP is bugging me so much is because of that. I have a visceral reaction when it comes to that topic. Honestly, I'd be pulling away from Friend A, not only for seemingly having no qualms about an affair, and probably ruining the marriage of Friend B, but for involving me in it.

[Bellaelle]

Why does Friend A spend so much time over there? Friend B must not be very smart.
That behavior should have been nipped in the bud a long time ago. I would probably tell Friend B that it is not a good idea for Friend A and her dh to hang out so much.

[Tweet]

Why does Friend A spend so much time over there? Friend B must not be very smart.
That behavior should have been nipped in the bud a long time ago. I would probably tell Friend B that it is not a good idea for Friend A and her dh to hang out so much.

I don't know,K. I think at first she just really,really liked all of them. Now I suspect that it's mostly because she's really into the DH. And you wouldn't think Friend B would be dumb...she's an investigator for the police department! I think that Friend A can be very charming,though, and probably makes it seem like she just loves all of them so much. Blech. I tell you what, it wouldn't be ok with me if my DH spent THAT much time alone with someone;there wouldn't be any time left for us! I would feel it was extremely intrusive. And I sure as hell wouldn't want someone at my house every day until I went to bed.

Honestly, I thought for awhile that maybe they all had something going on,which is fine. But no, I don't think that is the case anymore. I just think she is way too into the DH.

[EvilAmy]

Tbh, I'm not interested in being close with someone that is willing to fuck her good friend's husband and have a part in ruining a marriage.


In that case I would let friend B know. I wonder if her DH is a clueless sort that just doesn't catch on to obvious hitting on of them. I happened to marry one of those sorts. He's freindly and flirty, and hang out with them but has no interest otherwise.

[QuiltyConscience]

I think I'd tell friend B and take my earrings off to help her kick friend A's ass.

Friend A is being a huge shit. She's putting you in the crummy position of knowing her imtentions towards your other friend's husband, and she probably expects you to keep it a secret. So maybe later she can ask you to cover for her when she wants to make a move.

And she wants wants to screw somebody else's husband. This ain't a friend.

[Justicedog]

This morning, I think I'm leaning towards telling friend B. I'm sorry, but Friend A is being a shit. I'm one who would like to know, I'd be very hurt that a friend of mine didn't tell me if they knew that kind of information.

[JudyJudyJudy]

How do you think Friend B will react? Some people in Friend B's position get pissed at the bearer of the news rather than at the right people.

[Iconoclast]

Oh, for the love of christ, don't say a word to anyone about any of it! No fucking way I'd get involved in that. You will regret it if you do. You'll be the one getting the grief for your trouble.

[Suzzzz]

Friend A is (or would like to be) a backstabbing, cheating, slut. I would tell Friend B that friend A wants to screw her husband. If she gets mad at you, she will come around eventually.

[MMof5]

Tbh, I'm not interested in being close with someone that is willing to fuck her good friend's husband and have a part in ruining a marriage.


These are my thoughts.

[Camille]

That's a tough call. My gut says to tell her because I would want to know if I were in her shoes. There's a good chance that telling might lead to more drama than keeping it to yourself, though. She may be angry with you (the messenger). Also, friend A might lie and if she's very charming may convince friend B that you made it up (for whatever reason)... People can be pretty irrational when it comes to cheating spouses. And some of them would rather stick their heads in the sand than confront it. A lot of it would depend on what type of person friend B is.

I once told a close friend (my bff from El. school all the way to high school) that her fiance was out with another (not so close) friend of mine. My bff was very angry with me and actually stopped talking to me. She went on to marry the jerk and by the time she had their son, he had another baby on the way with another girl he was cheating with. We still aren't close, in fact we rarely talk, and I think had I just kept my mouth shut we'd still be friends. Her husband was a douchebag, though. Thankfully they're divorced. Unfortunately, according to her exBIL (who I am still friends with), she married another douchebag...

So, I guess my past experience with something similar would lead me personally to just stay out of it.

[_Gypsy_]

I'd tell A that if anything happens between her and B's DH, that you will tell B.

Either she will stop talking to you about it, or she will try avoid making the situation progress.

[3girls2luv]

I would do what Gypsy said.

TBH I think the wife must be blind not see this unfolding in front of her no one can be that naive.

[SueDid]

I would do what Gypsy said.

TBH I think the wife must be blind not see this unfolding in front of her no one can be that naive.

I think it depends on how things progressed to where they are. If it's been a slow go getting to where she's there all the time, not necessarily. If you completely trust someone, you're not looking for something like this.

When I met my husband, we hung around with his best friend all the time. There were times he was here when my husband was at work, and if we were working on computer stuff (he got us started with computers and would help us out a lot when we had trouble, passed us down equipment when he upgraded, etc.) he was here quite a lot. My husband had no reason to question our friendship, we'd hit it off from the time we all met. He'd have been absolutely dumbfounded if something happened between me and the friend.

Friend A, is not a friend to any of them.

[StillSingingMom]

I work hard to stay out of middle-school "I like him, do you think he likes me back?" situations. Cause I'm a grown-up, and I like my friends to be grown-ups too.

I'd tell the friend who is seriously contemplating an affair and feels comfortable running it past you that you don't feel comfortable with sort of thing.

[Babyhellfire]

In that case I would let friend B know. I wonder if her DH is a clueless sort that just doesn't catch on to obvious hitting on of them. I happened to marry one of those sorts. He's freindly and flirty, and hang out with them but has no interest otherwise.

ditto.

[RaisingThemLeft]

Tbh, I'm not interested in being close with someone that is willing to fuck her good friend's husband and have a part in ruining a marriage.
That is how I would feel too. I'm not sure what I would do. It's hard to say if the right thing is to tell or to keep out of it and assume that Friend B is monitering her own relationship closely enough to sense something is up without you telling her. You don't want to be in a "shoot the messenger" type situation or inadvertantly humiliate friend B.

[Tweet]

I work hard to stay out of middle-school "I like him, do you think he likes me back?" situations. Cause I'm a grown-up, and I like my friends to be grown-ups too.

I'd tell the friend who is seriously contemplating an affair and feels comfortable running it past you that you don't feel comfortable with sort of thing.


Yes, that type of situation would be annoying, but I don't think what's going on here is any kind of junior high behavior. I think there is quite a bit to it,but the bottom line is that it's something that could potentially ruin a marriage.

After thinking more about it today, I decided to tell her that it would be better to not tell me anything else about it because I don't feel okay knowing and would feel that Friend B should know. Her car has been at Friend B's house all day but I haven't seen her yet ( the DH is laid off and the wife was at work.) so that I could tell her. I'm just not comfortable knowing.

[Tweet]

Soap opera. I would tell friend A she is being totally innapropriate. I totally condemn infidelity.


Oh, I absolutely let her know how inappropriate it was and how Friend B was a very,very good persona and did not deserve that. She only said, "I know."

[Tweet]

How do you think Friend B will react? Some people in Friend B's position get pissed at the bearer of the news rather than at the right people.


I don't honestly know. That's the main reason I haven't had a conversation with her about any of it. And Friend B and her husband are my next door neighbors. I really don't need or want a bunch of pissed off neighbors.

[QuiltyConscience]

Oh, I absolutely let her know how inappropriate it was and how Friend B was a very,very good persona and did not deserve that. She only said, "I know."

Was that an " I know, you're right, I should back off"
or
" I know, but I have the hots and I don't care if it hurts anybody"?

[Tweet]

Was that an " I know, you're right, I should back off"
or
" I know, but I have the hots and I don't care if it hurts anybody"?


That is the million dollar question, isn't it?! I'm so wanting to believe it is the former and not the latter. Really, Friend B is just so sweet. And I think her DH is pretty cool, too...I think that he is very,very likely the clueless sort that just likes to hang out. I just think that with them hanging out SO,SO much that it could very likely open a door for him that he's going to regret walking into,kwim? Not that he'd be innocent at ALL if anything happened, but I do see this gal as laying it on pretty thick. I mean, she adores him. It's fucking obvious. What a big,big mess.

All of it has definitely made me think of things I'd be comfortable with and stuff I wouldn't be comfortable with. I believe I must be a person that just needs more private time with just our family and with DH and I alone. Friends are awesome and I like them around often, but not 24/7. And I'm still confused how I can pick up on this woman's sexual tension but the wife can't?

[Meredith]

I haven't read the entire thread, but to be honest, I think I'd try to talk some sense into friend A first. I wouldn't want to get involved, period, but since friend A confided in you, I think it's probably okay to try to talk her out of doing anything before even thinking about going to friend B. That's just my two cents, though.

[JustMoi]

I think your friend doesn't see it because she trusts her DH. I'd tell her, but only because I know in the same situation I'd want someone to tell me.

[Maret00]

I wouldnt say anything but give friend B some hints so that she may be on the look out they might not do anything and then friend B wouldnt trust hubby any more.

[SerialMom]

I agree with Quilty AND..... I would talk to Friend B's DH. And go on and on how you feel about drama, adultery in general, and blah blah blah. Tell a story about a third person and what happened, and how you personally would handle being in the know in a hypothetical situation. Or, even tell Friend B and her DH in a joking manner "Oh, I think A is a little sweet on you" Maybe Friend B will then open her eyes and see for herself. But, I am diabolical like that. Or tell Friend A that you cannot be trusted with her adluterous secrets, and you will blab so she might as well get over it and get her own man.

Oh, and get some new friends. Is this part of the same backstabbing circle you were talking about before? You deserve to hang with folks of a higher caliber. You have more class than this.

[SueDid]

That is the million dollar question, isn't it?! I'm so wanting to believe it is the former and not the latter. Really, Friend B is just so sweet. And I think her DH is pretty cool, too...I think that he is very,very likely the clueless sort that just likes to hang out. I just think that with them hanging out SO,SO much that it could very likely open a door for him that he's going to regret walking into,kwim? Not that he'd be innocent at ALL if anything happened, but I do see this gal as laying it on pretty thick. I mean, she adores him. It's fucking obvious. What a big,big mess.

All of it has definitely made me think of things I'd be comfortable with and stuff I wouldn't be comfortable with. I believe I must be a person that just needs more private time with just our family and with DH and I alone. Friends are awesome and I like them around often, but not 24/7. And I'm still confused how I can pick up on this woman's sexual tension but the wife can't?

I think the million dollar question has an answer if she's still spending so much time there while his wife is at work.

I would think if she's reconsidered but still wants to be friends with them, then she'd be there only when his wife is home.

I think the whole things sucks. If the husband truly is one of those clueless guys and is just happy to have some company during the day (rather hard to believe when THIS much time is being spent) and the wife is told anything, she may now not really trust her husband even if there is no reason not to.

And if nothing is said, and he's a jerk, and cheats on his wife, then she has that to deal with and who knows what all that will follow.

ugh.

[Tweet]

I agree with Quilty AND..... I would talk to Friend B's DH. And go on and on how you feel about drama, adultery in general, and blah blah blah. Tell a story about a third person and what happened, and how you personally would handle being in the know in a hypothetical situation. Or, even tell Friend B and her DH in a joking manner "Oh, I think A is a little sweet on you" Maybe Friend B will then open her eyes and see for herself. But, I am diabolical like that. Or tell Friend A that you cannot be trusted with her adluterous secrets, and you will blab so she might as well get over it and get her own man.

Oh, and get some new friends. Is this part of the same backstabbing circle you were talking about before? You deserve to hang with folks of a higher caliber. You have more class than this.


no, friend A used to live across the street with her exhusband and they were trying to make it work but it did not ( one reason is that the ex did not like all this time she was spending with B's DH,etc) . Friend B and her DH live next door. We've all been neighbors and friendly for years but the three of us women became closer over the last year or so. And Friend A and I had a lot in common and really hit it off and became closer. But, that's been disappointing given this recent stuff.

I mean, I understand feelings can arise. But wouldn't the right thing to do in that situation is just back off and leave them to their marriage? Afaik, things were not unhappy between B and her dH and even so, it seems wrong to spend so much time having this longing...maybe I'm more old fashioned and narrow minded,but it just seems very wrong.

As for the backstabbing circle, I'm not sure which ones were backstabby...there were some incidents of very hurt feelings from friends in the MOMS Club that I've since pulled away from ,but no, they aren't in the same social circle. I tend to get a long with many different types of people,though, and unfortunately attract people that aren't so nice sometimes. I think they zone in on the niceness and want to take advantage sometimes. Seriously,right now there are about 3 women in my real life that I think are just genuinely GOOD people, with good hearts. I'm hanging out with them more!

[cc1003]

no, friend A used to live across the street with her exhusband and they were trying to make it work but it did not ( one reason is that the ex did not like all this time she was spending with B's DH,etc) .


It seems to me that if she were willing to destroy her own marriage over spending time with this guy then it wouldn't even phase her to destroy someone else's marriage.

[SerialMom]

It seems to me that if she were willing to destroy her own marriage over spending time with this guy then it wouldn't even phase her to destroy someone else's marriage.



Truth.


And thanks for clarifying Tweet. :)

[Solare]

honestly, I'd stay the fuck out. And tell her you don't want to hear anymore about it.

[QuiltyConscience]

It seems to me that if she were willing to destroy her own marriage over spending time with this guy then it wouldn't even phase her to destroy someone else's marriage.

Ruh roh. If she already ruined her marriage over this guy, I'd wonder if she was already having an affair him and is telling you she's thinking about it to see how you would react.

[3girls2luv]

Ruh roh. If she already ruined her marriage over this guy, I'd wonder if she was already having an affair him and is telling you she's thinking about it to see how you would react.


I think you might have hit the nail on the head.

[SerialMom]

I love me some Quilty. She could be seeing how you react, and is just bursting with the secret and is looking for someone to share her news with and testing the waters... yeah, same thing Quilty said. :)

[Tweet]

Well, it was a lot more complicated than JUST the guy not wanting her to spend so much time with neighbor dude. Long story short, she'd had an affair years and years ago and they actually divorced because of it. Then they got back together,unmarried, but living together..for the last almost 5 years. So, she starts befriending the neighbors and then walking dogs with neighbor dude. Every day. Twice a day. And her exdh didn't like it and wasn't ok with the amount of time, blah blah. I could see his point, but she felt he was being controlling. So she moved out...then they were working it out and some other things happened unrelated to neighbors and that was the last straw.

But, good point about the two marriages and her not caring.

[Tweet]

I love me some Quilty. She could be seeing how you react, and is just bursting with the secret and is looking for someone to share her news with and testing the waters... yeah, same thing Quilty said. :)


Yes, probably. I am sure that is quite a secret to carry around. And I'm sure it is very,very hard to develop feelings for someone that is married and happily married at that. (though to be fair I don't know what goes on behind closed doors). I just think at that point the right thing to do would have been to back off and let them be with their marriage.

[SerialMom]

Yes, probably. I am sure that is quite a secret to carry around. And I'm sure it is very,very hard to develop feelings for someone that is married and happily married at that. (though to be fair I don't know what goes on behind closed doors). I just think at that point the right thing to do would have been to back off and let them be with their marriage.

ICAM. I developed a crush on a friend's boyfriend in HS. You know what I did? Removed myself from the equation and tried to give them more space. I guess I'm just perfect like that. ;)

Looking back - maybe it wasn't so much him that I was crushing on, but just what they had. KWIM?

[Tweet]

Yes, I know what you mean. Maybe it is the same for her. I've also met some women that sort of get off on the thrill of the hunt,so to speak. No idea if that is her thing, but don't know.

[cc1003]

Gosh, it makes me sick to my stomach for the wife of this guy. I hope that nothing has happened yet but my common sense says that it's wishful thinking.

[Tweet]

Gosh, it makes me sick to my stomach for the wife of this guy. I hope that nothing has happened yet but my common sense says that it's wishful thinking.


I don't think "it" has happened. But I feel sorry for the wife, too. Afaik, she really trusts this woman. She's opened up her own home and heart,and here she is being screwed over.