MrsKitty
06-15-2009, 01:06 PM
So this took about forever and a year to write, and I didn't spell check it, and it probably has horrendous grammar. I am going to eventually clean it up but thats a task for another day. For now, this is it. It really is long, I wasn't joking.
So I am finally sitting down and trying to figure out how to put this experience into words. I don't think I will be able to really capture it, but I am sure going to try :)
Labor "started" for me much earlier than the actual birth for two reasons. I started having "serious business" contractions several weeks before things actually started moving along. I often felt this sense of today is the day.. only to have the contractions disappear over night or fade during the day. I eventually got to the point where I just ignored any prelabor signs because I was constantly getting my hopes up only to mellow out a few hours later. The second way labor started earlier, was mentally. Dreighton's birth was uncomplicated and free from any major trauma. No interventions were required, no tearing happened, and in the end I had a very beautiful fantastic little boy. It felt *normal*. There was lots of screaming and crying near the end, clawing at Jeff's hands, and I felt slightly uneasy about the pushing stage. And it hurt, alot. Nothing could have prepared me for the pain of that labor, or the length, or the fear and utter sense of helplessness that comes with transition. As time went on I started feeling slightly uneasy about the entire experience. I did not ever feel violated (which many women do after labor) and I recovered fine and suffered no lasting damage. It would seem that there would be no reason to feel off put by the birth, but I was. The more I read about spiritual birth, orgasmic birth, birthing through trusting your body.. the more I felt that there was something more to be gained. Yes, in the end the most important result is a healthy mom and baby, that is the main goal, the bottom line. But what if there was something more that could be experienced through the actual birthing process? What if instead of a horrifyingly painful experience followed by a child, you had a beautiful uplifting experience followed by a child?
So while we tried to conceive, I read...and read and read. Books and birth stories and articles and anything I could about natural birth. I decided that our next would be a water birth. But you can't have a waterbirth at any of the local hospitals. We realized that a midwife and homebirth would be our best option.
I used the pregnancy as a time to become mentally prepared. I did alot of reading (as always) and alot of thinking. I went over my last birth experince over and over. I thought about what worked and what didn't and what I would like to change. Then one day I was reading through some of the birth stories in Ina May's books and something clicked. Child birth (for most) hurts. It hurts alot. And we spend so much time trying to avoid that pain. Do this to make it hurt less and that to make it hurt less. Avoiding the pain dosent work. Its going to hurt. Instead, accepting that it is going to hurt, but it is pain with a purpouse, pain that is doing something wonderful, pain that is not causing harm to our bodies and is working through us with this amazing energy to bring a new life into the world. The idea of surrenduring to that pain completly rather than running away from it. Embracing it as a positive force rather than fearing it.
So those were my thoughts as I approched labor. I had some nervousness. I could have all the good intentions I wanted but the real test would come when I actually had to apply that. I had a feeling that maybe it would happen and I would realize I was just being a loon and that no amounts of positive thinking would help. But mostly I felt confident. It was going to hurt, but that was okay. I wasn't expecting a painfree birth or an orgasmic birth (though I wouldn't say no to either of those) but I felt that I was okay with that. Something that really helped me was something a midwife told us in a prenatal group. I can't remember the exact numbers but she used a chart for a 12 hour labor, and showed if you have this many contractions this far apart, and the contractions are this long each, your actually only in pain for two hours or something out of the whole thing, and that instead of focussing on the pain during contractions to focus on the minutes of relaxation in between, because those take up much more time. I tried to keep that in mind alot.
A bit of backstory and info on homebirthing..
We were aiming for an at home water birth if possible. At a home birth, you have two midwives. One comes during labor to support the mom and do monitering, and the other one is called near the end, so that after the child is born you have one midwife to concentrate on the mother and one to concentrate on the baby. The midwives do carry emergancy equipment and oxygen in case it is needed. There are also hospital transfers for three reasons. The birthing mother can choose to transfer at any time if she feels scared or uncomfortable or wants drugs. You can change your mind at any time during the home birth (well unless the baby is comming out) so there is no pressure if you decide it is not working at home. Then there is an emergancy transfer, which, like the name implies, is when an emergancy comes up and the mom needs to be taken to the hospital right away. Then there are situations where you would have a non emergancy transfer. Something is going on that requires you to be in the hospital, but there is no rush, you can take your time, and continue laboring at home, you just need to be eventually taken there.
My big fear was a hospital transfer. Like I said before, I had some nervousnes about my ability to cope with pain, but I had alot of anxiety over a hospital transfer. What if after all my reading, all my prepeartion, all my dreams and hopes.. I had to be transfered? I tried very hard to let go of these feelings. I reminded myself that I was setting myself up for dissapointment if I couldn't let go of my attachments to "the perfect birth". I tried to tell myself that it was okay if we were transfered, and that things would still go well, and that it was so important to be open and loose and laid back and just ready for anything. Despite all the positive thinking, it wasn't helping. I couldn't let go of that fear of transfer. When I met with my doulas (two of the most amazing women in the world by the way) I let them know that if it came to a transfer, that would be when I really need support. I didn't think I could handle it.
I also use the words contractions, rushes, and waves interchangeably here. Contractions have a really medical and painful feel to them, and I don't think they need to nessicarly be either, all the time.
Tuesday May 26th, I kept commenting to Jeff that the baby was bothering me. She would do this thing where I could feel her push her legs and arms out (not kicking, stretching) and it would hurt like the dickins. I kept gasping every time she did it, and Jeff kept asking if I was having contractions.
No its the baby stretching
Really rythmically and all over my uterus
In a slightly regular pattern
That is kind of like early labor
But of course its not, its just the baby, right?
Jeff told me to go to bed and get some rest. I didn't think it was nessisicary. After all, even if these WERE contractions, I had been having them for weeks. But I got tired and went to bed around 2am.
I was woken up by the contractions at 6am, Wednesday May 27th. Now I was acknowlodging that they were contractions, but I was definitely not in labor. I mean come on, I was only a week past my due date, why would I be going into labor, where is the logic? I went back to sleep.
At 9am I felt sticky and wet all over my thighs. I put my hand between my legs. My water had broken! I ran to the bathroom trying not to leak, and gave a big wipe. Then my heart sank. The color on the toilet paper was yellow with a brownish swirl. My first thought was meconium. Meconium means birthing in the hospital. Then suddenly it clued into me that meconium would be green or brown in color, and this was yellow. Mucus plug...and lots of it! I think I must have lost my mucus plug in bits and pieces with Dreighton, because this was a new experince. I tried to summon some emotion.. this pile of sludge was helping keep my baby safe and protected up in my uterus. Emotion summoning failed... its hard to get emotional over what looks like a sinus infection in your vag. As I contemplated the miracles of life and snatch snot, it hit me that I might just possibly, perhaps, just maybe might be in early labor. What with the all the baby stretching and lady parts leaking...
So I called my mother in law and let her know that NOTHING exciting was happening, and that she shouldnt get her hopes up, but that my mucus plug had come out. But you know, that dosen't mean ANYTHING, lots of women loose their plug and stay pregnant for a few more days. She got excited anyways.
After this the details might be a little bit out of order, but I am going to do my best to try and get everything chronologically.
I got the boys up and told Jeff that something might be happening..but I wasn't too sure. I really did not want to get my hopes up again. Still doubting, I called my mom and asked her to come pick up Dreighton, just in case. If anything, it would give us time to clean more and get some grocceries.
I told Dreighton we were going to have a special breakfast, because I was thinking today might be a special day. I explained that I was going to make toast with nutella and banana slices. He informed me that chocolate sandwhiches is not actually a proper breakfast food, and I was to dish up some cereal and fruit, and *right now* please. I made them for him anyways and told him he could get cereal after he tried one bite. Needless to say, the cereal went utterly forgotten as he mowed down on his first taste of nutella.
Then things got a little more intense. The contractions weren't super close together...but I decided I better take a shower. I hadn't washed my hair in a few days and who wants to have a baby with unwashed hair? I got nervous.. if I was in labor it was definitely very early labor. I knew that you are not supposed to get into the birth tub in early labor because the warm water can relax you so much that the contractions decrease or go away. I wasn't sure if a shower was okay. I decided to give my doulas a call to ask, and also to give a heads up that I thought I was in labor. We had been planning on going on a walk later that afternoon to help me go into labor, and I said I was pretty sure that the walk was no longer nessicary and that they would probably be comming for my labor that day. I asked about the shower and they told me it was all good, so I got in.
I think its possible that it was in the shower that I started thinking.. okay.. its going to be today or tomorrow. Im not really sure when I decided that this was it. It was more of a gradual process rather than a sudden relization. Even when I started to acknolwedge it, in the back of my head I was telling myself "Its going to stop any minute now". I got out my body wash and started rubbing my belly and nipples, rocking back and forth. Things picked up a little more. I called Dreighton in to hum with my during contractions. He watched me mmmmmm through them and joined in from time to time. When I was laboring with Dreighton I hummed through alot of contractions. I was later told that it sounded like a whales song. I would hum that same song to Dreighton while we nursed and as he grew older he began mimicing it back at me, around my boob. We hummed this same song with a low intensity, feeling the vibrations.
When I got out I got changed into the white skirt I was planning to wear during labor. A few people told me I was nuts for wanting to wear a long white skirt because blood and guts have a tendency to jump onto white things. I was set on wearing white, a color of peacefullness and serenity, pure and simple. It was also only five dollars at the Salvation Army. Worst case scenario, we end up with an intresting "tie dye" job. Jeff and I decided we would wait for Dreighton to be picked up, then head out to do errands. I had a midwife appointment later that afternoon and we figured that if things felt about the same we would go to the appointment and tell them we thought the baby was comming soon, and if things picked up we would call and tell them they would be seeing us soon.
I wanted to love on Dreighton a bit. It was such a beautiful day and we headed outside and I felt really peaceful and connected with him. We painted his fingernails blue and I braided his hair and held him and we talked about how the baby was comming. As I held him I thought alot about how things were changing, and how he wouldn't be my only baby soon, and that made me a little sad. I had been feeling a little meloncholy over the that thought for the past few weeks, that the one who had been my one and only would soon become one of two. I thought about how I would no longer be able to tell him he is my favorite in all the world, and if that would hurt his feelings. Dreighton was happily oblivious, running around unfettered, with his bug hunting kit around his waist, as he stomped on ants. One life comes into the world..as a few dozen leave... many thanks to Jeff for teaching him it's okay to slaughter outdoor bugs.
My mom eventually arrived and Dreighton got loaded into her car, and I watched them drive away, aware that there was a good possibility that this was the last time I would see him as my only child. Then I pushed those thoughts away and Jeff and I got ready to head out to the groccery store. I remember feeling very uncomfortable while sitting, and spazzing at Jeff when he suggested he gun it before hitting a speed bump in order to "move things along". We had to wait a minute for me to get myself composed and out of the car, and I started thinking it would be rather embarassing to have my water break at the groccery store that I frequent.
The plan was to get lots of fresh fruit to eat during labor. Lots of food recomended during labor are things like oatmeal and toast, but I had fixated in fresh fruit and we got a ton of it. It was alot of fun. We goofed around with the fruit, and I filled up the basket with berries and grapes, and we blocked up the isle taking pictures of me holding up a big ol watermelon next to my belly as an old lady tried to get through. We then went on a search for decadent chocolate, and Jeff held some up and says "this is the most expencive" so we went with that one. If there is ever a time for luxery and decadence..its during labor. I made rediculous faces in the cheese isle as I got hit with a massive rush, and hobbled over to check out counter.
"How far along are you? Whens that baby comming out?"
"Oh I'm about nine days past, and today hopefully, I'm in labor"
Dead silence as everyone in the two check out lanes stops to stare at the crazy whackadoo who is groccery shopping during labor. Clearly, I can see them say with their eyes, this chick needs to be admitted to the psych ward.
"..and you.. you are groccery shopping???!!!111eleven?"
"Well I need fruit, gotta keep the energy up"
Everyone goes back to what they were doing, avoiding looking at Jeff and I.
"...yes..yes of course"
Next time I need my grocceries rang up in one heck of a hurry I know just what to say to speed things along.
After the organic groccer we went off to Boomers to pick up the new carseat. Again more shock and disbeleif.. "Are you heading to the hospital after this?" Nope, going home, having a baby. Took a moment to clutch at a pole and breathe before waddling out again, this time to head to the extra foods. Ice cream Oreo Birthday Cake! Contraction hits as I am trying to pay, and I gasp at Jeff to finish up. The girl behind the cash has wide eyes and she says nothing as she stares at me and bags the cake. You can tell she wants us out of there before I spontaneously explode all over the groccery conveyer. Clean up in isle 4...
By the time we finished at London Drugs getting CD's and shower gel, I realized we did not have time to go home and shower together, so Jeff took me down to my midwife appointment and he went home to have a rest. The midwife was in with another mother, so I walked around the lobby and stopped twice to grab onto the fireplace and lean back. I wish we had pictures of it, I am sure it was hillarous.
I got into the office and asked the midwife if she felt rested, because we were having a baby tonight. Of course, the contractions slowed down (this begins to set a pattern for the rest of my labor) and I only have one while I am in there. She tells me I can come in the next morning to get my membranes sweeped if she dosen't hear from me that night. I start thinking again that maybe I am not in labor. If the midwife dosen't think I'm in labor, maybe im just having braxton hicks again. After my individual appointment I got to go see the other newborns in my prental group. They were so sweet and I got excited to go home and try and get things moving along. (Are you feeling confused yet about wether or not I thought I was in labor? Good. So was I)
Jebbers picked me up and we went to get Quiznos before heading home. I orginally planned on on stopping at starbucks as well but decided that I really didn't need an iced passionfruit lemonaid tea (well timed contraction outside the starbucks). So we went home instead, and mowed down on tuna and beef sandwhiches, and I did a final update online. Jeff played some stupid youtube videos to make me laugh, and they shook me open and hurt horribly. Laughing during contractions is this fantastic way of just loosening up and opening up and feeling wonderful.
Jeff and I jumped into the shower at this point to get some love going. We kissed a bunch and he gave me amazing back and belly massage. You would think that making out would be the last thing on your mind during labor, but it was amazing, and I felt so connected and intune with him. He held me through the contractions, and we rubbed eachother, and as Jeff puts it "It was magical'n'stuff"
Always the romantic that one. We made love at eachother. Not sex, but just got this really intimate romatic sexy vibe going on, as he held me up and rubbed my back and kissed me. I got a little high off the feelings and felt pretty amazing and loved and strong.
By the time we got out I figured it was time to call my doulas. I headed downstairs into the birthing suite, and Jeff tidied up. I called Natalie I think, and told her I was giving her a heads up to come in about an hour and a half-two hours. I was feeling like I was definitely in labor, but my self doubt had switched from "not in labor" to "not that far along". I decided I would try and rest so I hopped onto the mattress sideways. I chatted on msn a bit, and completly grossed out Bella.
So whats up?
Im having a baby!
...Please tell me you aren't pushing the baby out while your on msn with me?
I was about to tell her that no, no pushing yet, when my phone connection cut out. Whoops. Poor Bella. Sorry about that btw ;)
The hour or two while I waited for the doulas was a bit surreal. I don't really remember it at all, I think I mostly just hung out on the mattress and chatted to Jeff as he tidied up around the house. I don't really know if I did much else, or if I got much rest.
I know some time inbetween callng Colleen and Natalie, and them arriving, I cut up all my fruit in the kitchen downstairs, and had a blast doing it. Jeff and I took goofy photos and I gorged myself on berries while belly dancing through each rush.
When Natalie and Colleen showed up around 6 or 7ish. I remeber thinking it must be much earlier in the afternoon because it was still really sunny and bright out, but they told me afterwards it was evening, after dinner. Jeff went to go pick us up some pizza, and we decided to go on a walk once I was finished my root beer freezie (seriously yum..but not as good as dr.pepper ones). Every time I rushed Colleen grabbed my freezie and I closed my eyes, then started on it again once they were done. When I was sitting (or lying down) I noticed the rushes were more painful, but they would slow down and happen further apart. Then it was walk time. I told Jeff that if we didn't come back he should assume we had been attacked by bears, and I had a fun time trying to tease them about the bears in the neighborhood, and we talked about my whackadoodie neighbors who feed the bears and let them sleep in their backyard because its cruel to hide your garbage and scare them away from residential areas.
I think the walk was probably my favorite part of the whole experince. It was so beautiful outside, sunny and warm and peaceful. We walked passed a family watching their kids bike ride from their driveway and I stopped and rushed. The original plan had just been to go around the block but the walking felt soooo good and the contractions I had while walking were strong but didn't really hurt that much, and I found it was easier to keep walking if I could during the contractions rather than stop. I decided I could handle doing the loop around Princess Park so we headed into there. We joked about maybe having the baby in the park, and I told them she could be their first catch for midwifery school. A bunch of mud squealched up between my toes from my holey soles that.. have holes in the soles from walking in them too much, and it smelt like summer. We took a ton of pictures there and I rushed against trees. We started finding different positions, the walk was definitely speeding things up, and I started leaning on my doulas or relaxing back onto them. My back started hurting AFTER the rushes, so we tried some pressure on my hips which helped alot. I tried curling my back hanging off a bridge and couldnt help but laugh because I looked rediculous, which hurt like a bitch during contractions but helped alot too. At one point a couple passed us with a dog and I just stopped and closed my eyes and started rushing. The dog stopped... and watched me. I had a feeling that the couple was weirded out a little but Colleen told me she thought they were more concerned about the dog being in my way.
I wanted to keep walking but I also reallllly had to pee, and there was no way I was squatting on the trail. Colleen told me theres lots she would do for a birthing mom, but not getting her legs peed on. I agree. She can save that for when shes a midwife ;) I thought maybe we could go back to the house so I could pee, and then go walk again. On the way back I picked a big bunch of flowers for Valkyrie, a little welcome to the world bouquet, with beautiful colors. Truly I am the best mama ever, because there were tons of bees in the bushes and I risked my beautiful skin being stung to grab them. All hail Kaschelle, avoider of bees and gatherer of flowers!
When we got home (and I had a fantastic peeee.... they kept feeding me water, those attentive ladies!) I decided that I was probably good to stay there. I had thought I wanted to go back out, and they offered, but we started into a rythym. We clustered in the kitchen and had a ton of fun. If the walk was the most peaceful part of labor, this was defintely the most fun. I put on Lilly Allen (horrah for trashy british pop!) and started dancing. Colleen and Natalie led me through some hip movements and we swung our hips and did figure eights. I was rather suprised that I accomplished those, what with being the most uncordinated clutz on the planet. But I did them and stayed up right, and they felt fantastic. Horray for belly dancing!
I felt suprised at how fantastic I felt at this point. It felt more like I was having a great night in with my girlfriends, instead of being in active labor. We were laughing and chatting and dancing and being goofy ( I think I was probably more goofy than they were ) and I had a blast. At this point I was rushing about every three minutes, and feeling on top of the world.
My big plan this time was to surrendor to the contractions as opposed to fighting them. I remembered with Dreighton (any with many pain management techniques I read about) that they are all about diminishing the pain or making the pain less. Well..it dosen't work (or didn't for me with Dreighton). So instead of trying to escape the pain, I decided to surrendor to it. It is going to hurt, and that is okay. Rather than running away from the pain, I fully embraced it and let it sink in and concentrated on it and how it was bringing out my daughter, and then it was gone and I enjoyed the time inbetween. I was amazed out how well this worked. By fully surrenduring to and embracing the pain, I danced my way through active labor and enjoyed it.
At this point Natalie and Colleen were trying to convince me to phone Brynn. I wasn't too sure if I should. Afterall, I wasn't crying or screaming so therefor l was in early labor, and I didn't want to bother her. No, you should definitely call her. You are in active labor, just managing well.
So then I paged her, from sitting on the couch. As before, when I was sitting, my contractions became more intense and slowed down. Brynn called me back and we talked for a bit. She asked how far apart my contractions were and I looked to the doulas. About three minutes they said. We talked some more. Brynn told me she had just gotten back from another birth and was in her pajamas. She mentioned that I hadn't had a single contration since we had been talking. I laughed and told her I knew, but that they were slowing down when I sat, and then I passed the phone to one of the doulas to have a big contraction. Brynn listened and told me she would be over.
We got on the birthing ball for a bit, and either Colleen or Natalie (sorry I forgot which one of you! remind me) did some amazing pushing on my knees and pushed my back into the wall behind me, which was absolutely fantastic. The waves started changing and feeling amazing and beatiful and pleasureable, and I remarked in shock "Wow..that one felt really good" They didn't stop hurting, but this amazing mix of pleasure and intensity was mixed in with that hurt, and I was feeling pretty high on the feeling.
So, through this whole process we had talked to my mother in law a few times. She was very worried she would miss the birth, and I kept getting frustrated and telling her that if things progressed we would phone her and tell her, and that she shouldn't worry. "Im not that far along stop worrying" Her caregiver to watch her husband hadn't arrived yet, and she was terrified she wasn't going to get there in time.
When Brynn came I told Jeff (who had been tidying and napping upstairs) that it was time to stay. Brynn arrived around 11pm and checked me. I was at 4cm and "very stretchy". Very soon after that my water broke.
I started getting worried. When my water broke I was pretty sure I saw meconium. No one else said anything. I pretended I couldn't see it and asked if I could take a shower to wash off. Jeff and I headed in there and he rubbed my back and I told him I thought I saw meconium, and that if I did it would mean a hospital transfer. I was feeling really upset. I had been fixating on having meconium in the waters for over a week..and here it was looking like that my "irrational worries" were becomming a reality. Jeff tried to cheer me up and told me I sounded like a manatee. That got me laughign and in a better mood. Jeff got me dry and I put on my nightie instead of my skirt (which was the same whinnie the pooh nightie I wore when I had Dreighton). We started nuzzling and loving at eachother alot. Colleen asked me if there was an image or anything to help me think of to keep calm and I said Jeff, and gave him a big hug. I just wanted to hold onto him and sink into him and loose myself in his chest.
So thats when it was confirmed that there was meconium, and that we were now going to be having a hospital birth. Hearing someone else say it outloud and acknowledge what I had been worrying about hit me like a sack of cement. We didn't have to leave yet, Brynn said we could head down around 7cm, and that I could still fill up the birthing tub to use as pain releif and to relax me.
My mindset just completly changed. I went from feeling very lovely and high and happy to utterly dejected...and this is where my story and how everyone elses changes.
I went down to the bed and laid down on my side, with jeff spooning me. I became very very quiet and my contractions slowed right down. Everyone thought that I was stalling or slowing down, and prepared for a long night. I stopped interacting with everyone. The lights were turned down and everyone was quiet and very loving and gentle with me. At one point, Colleen went to lay down on the other bed in the room for a nap, and everyone just slowed down the pace.
In my head things were a different story. I went into a completly different zone, inside myself. I felt very close to loosing it, and was trying very hard to keep my shit together. I knew that if I let it out just once and started screaming or swearing (like I did at the end of Dreightons birth) that I wouldn't be able to get it back together, and that I would have to work very hard to keep calm because if I didn't it was going to go crazy. I felt completly lost. The contractions had slowed down, but each one felt like the world was shrinking around me. They were so intense I could barely get through them. I rememberd what Ina May had said about women talking to their cervixes so I started moaning Oppppeeennnnnnnnnnnnnnnn through each rush. I kept thinking that I had failed myself, and everyone around me, by "allowing" the meconium in the water. I also knew that when we moved to the hospital, my plans for a natural birth were going to go right out the window. I was at a point where I wanted drugs, and there was an option to get them, I was going to take them.Then I realized that that kind of thinking is usually indicitive of transition. I assumed that everyone knew I was in transition. After all, I was feeling sad and confused and scared, and everyone else is telepathic and clearly knew that I knew I was in transition. My rushes were still very far apart, but very long, and extremly intense. The hip presses they had been giving me started feeling horrible and I tried to hit them when they tried to apply pressure to my hips, so that stopped. Every time anyone shifted their weight on the mattress I thought I might die from the "severe jostling". Always dramatic, thats me.
Holly arrived then, very excited that she hadn't missed anything, and ran upstairs to put Dreighton in bed (She had picked him up from my parents so he could watch the birth, he was fast asleep)
Jeff had to leave at one point, they went to go fill up the tub with water so I could labor in it. I remember feeling so alone, forever and ever. I was later told he was gone for thirty seconds tops, he booked it up the stairs, turned on the water, and ran back down.
I had two big rushes moaning open. I thought that if anyone tried to touch or move me, I might kill them (or atleast break a nose). At the end of one of them my opeennn turned to a grunt. I told Colleen "I felt a little pushy at the end of that one".
Colleen mentioned this to Brynn and Brynn tried to check me again, laying on my side. I kept saying I couldn't open my legs it hurt too much and one of them supported my leg. Brynn checked, not even all the way, and said "We need to get a move on"
Next rush I got up on all fours. They were thinking of trying to get me to the car but I was planted and not moving. I thought if they put me in the car I would have the baby in the front seat. They watched me have a rush and knew that the baby was coming soon, no moving me.
Colleen tried to get me to blow to slow the pushes and Natalie ran to the car to get the homebirth equipment. There was a ton of stuff in Brynns car and she ended up grabbing a bunch of clothes for donation in a bag instead, and had to run out again to get everything.
Colleen was trying to get me to blow, and all I could think in my head was "They are trying to get the pushing to stop to get me in the car..and I bet my breath smells really bad" I started thinking that maybe they were mad at me for needing to push and was worried that everyone in the room was angry. (they weren't I was just being an irrational pregnant woman)
The pushing was amazing. It certainly was not an orgasmic or painfree birth... it hurt like the dickens. But I was amazed at the energy that just crashed through me. I felt like all the energy in the universe was flowing through me, in me, out as I bellowed her out. After such a calm and mostly quiet (though giggly) labor, I felt like I had to make noise and let the world know she was comming, and comming now. It was a really spiritual and holy moment for me. I felt in touch with all the mothers who were birthing with me at that moment, all the mothers who have birthed, and all the mothers who will in centures to come. Time stopped and I was connected.
In one push her head came out, and in the next she was out. Brynn told me to take the baby and passed her between my legs. She had to say it a few times, I was stunned and in shock. Weren't we about to have this baby at the hospital? And it was so easy getting her out. With Dreighton I had pushed and pushed and pushed and then thought Oh thank god his head is out.. and then a nurse had piped up from around my vag "Oh look he is crowning". Uhh...
So when she was out, I was thinking, oh its probably just her head. It took me a few moment to clue in that the midwife was holding her trying to pass her to me. I grabbed her between my legs and they told me I looked ecstatic (I still felt a little shocked..)
Everything post partum was perfect. She pinked up immediately and let out a big cry, and I got her to my boobs and she went nuts. Another booby baby. I asked Brynn if we had to bring her to the hospital and she said nope, shes perfect. We would have had to go if she hadn't pinked up or started breathing and crying, but this was defintely one vigarous pink piglet!
The placenta came right away. I was nervous when they went to look for tears. I didn't feel like I had torn, but she had come so quickly I thought that I must have ripped from one side to the other. Nothing, not even a graze.
Jeff brought out her Birthday Cake, with a big "0" on it, and we sang happy birthday to her, and everyone else had cake and muffins.
Brynn told me that it was births like this that remind her to stay humble, but that I had given her a few gray hairs. From the time she checked me at four cm, to the time she was in my arms, was less than an hour and a half. She was born at 12:46am, at 8lbs 9oz, 50cm. I hadn't really beleived what Ina May had said about talking to your cervix, but I do now. My concious being was fixated on how everything would go wrong if we went to the hospital. I think my subconcious took control and told my body what to do. Every time I told my body to open, it did.
I had trouble writting out my birth story. I didn't really feel like I could say everything I wanted to say, and it is long as heck. I have never felt so empowerd by anything. My birth was beautiful, painful, holy, and powerful. I feel like I can do anything. I want to tell all women, we can take back our birth, it dosen't have to be horrible and scarry and traumatic.
"We have a secret in our culture, its not that birth is painful, its that woman are strong" Laura Stavoe Hame
So I am finally sitting down and trying to figure out how to put this experience into words. I don't think I will be able to really capture it, but I am sure going to try :)
Labor "started" for me much earlier than the actual birth for two reasons. I started having "serious business" contractions several weeks before things actually started moving along. I often felt this sense of today is the day.. only to have the contractions disappear over night or fade during the day. I eventually got to the point where I just ignored any prelabor signs because I was constantly getting my hopes up only to mellow out a few hours later. The second way labor started earlier, was mentally. Dreighton's birth was uncomplicated and free from any major trauma. No interventions were required, no tearing happened, and in the end I had a very beautiful fantastic little boy. It felt *normal*. There was lots of screaming and crying near the end, clawing at Jeff's hands, and I felt slightly uneasy about the pushing stage. And it hurt, alot. Nothing could have prepared me for the pain of that labor, or the length, or the fear and utter sense of helplessness that comes with transition. As time went on I started feeling slightly uneasy about the entire experience. I did not ever feel violated (which many women do after labor) and I recovered fine and suffered no lasting damage. It would seem that there would be no reason to feel off put by the birth, but I was. The more I read about spiritual birth, orgasmic birth, birthing through trusting your body.. the more I felt that there was something more to be gained. Yes, in the end the most important result is a healthy mom and baby, that is the main goal, the bottom line. But what if there was something more that could be experienced through the actual birthing process? What if instead of a horrifyingly painful experience followed by a child, you had a beautiful uplifting experience followed by a child?
So while we tried to conceive, I read...and read and read. Books and birth stories and articles and anything I could about natural birth. I decided that our next would be a water birth. But you can't have a waterbirth at any of the local hospitals. We realized that a midwife and homebirth would be our best option.
I used the pregnancy as a time to become mentally prepared. I did alot of reading (as always) and alot of thinking. I went over my last birth experince over and over. I thought about what worked and what didn't and what I would like to change. Then one day I was reading through some of the birth stories in Ina May's books and something clicked. Child birth (for most) hurts. It hurts alot. And we spend so much time trying to avoid that pain. Do this to make it hurt less and that to make it hurt less. Avoiding the pain dosent work. Its going to hurt. Instead, accepting that it is going to hurt, but it is pain with a purpouse, pain that is doing something wonderful, pain that is not causing harm to our bodies and is working through us with this amazing energy to bring a new life into the world. The idea of surrenduring to that pain completly rather than running away from it. Embracing it as a positive force rather than fearing it.
So those were my thoughts as I approched labor. I had some nervousness. I could have all the good intentions I wanted but the real test would come when I actually had to apply that. I had a feeling that maybe it would happen and I would realize I was just being a loon and that no amounts of positive thinking would help. But mostly I felt confident. It was going to hurt, but that was okay. I wasn't expecting a painfree birth or an orgasmic birth (though I wouldn't say no to either of those) but I felt that I was okay with that. Something that really helped me was something a midwife told us in a prenatal group. I can't remember the exact numbers but she used a chart for a 12 hour labor, and showed if you have this many contractions this far apart, and the contractions are this long each, your actually only in pain for two hours or something out of the whole thing, and that instead of focussing on the pain during contractions to focus on the minutes of relaxation in between, because those take up much more time. I tried to keep that in mind alot.
A bit of backstory and info on homebirthing..
We were aiming for an at home water birth if possible. At a home birth, you have two midwives. One comes during labor to support the mom and do monitering, and the other one is called near the end, so that after the child is born you have one midwife to concentrate on the mother and one to concentrate on the baby. The midwives do carry emergancy equipment and oxygen in case it is needed. There are also hospital transfers for three reasons. The birthing mother can choose to transfer at any time if she feels scared or uncomfortable or wants drugs. You can change your mind at any time during the home birth (well unless the baby is comming out) so there is no pressure if you decide it is not working at home. Then there is an emergancy transfer, which, like the name implies, is when an emergancy comes up and the mom needs to be taken to the hospital right away. Then there are situations where you would have a non emergancy transfer. Something is going on that requires you to be in the hospital, but there is no rush, you can take your time, and continue laboring at home, you just need to be eventually taken there.
My big fear was a hospital transfer. Like I said before, I had some nervousnes about my ability to cope with pain, but I had alot of anxiety over a hospital transfer. What if after all my reading, all my prepeartion, all my dreams and hopes.. I had to be transfered? I tried very hard to let go of these feelings. I reminded myself that I was setting myself up for dissapointment if I couldn't let go of my attachments to "the perfect birth". I tried to tell myself that it was okay if we were transfered, and that things would still go well, and that it was so important to be open and loose and laid back and just ready for anything. Despite all the positive thinking, it wasn't helping. I couldn't let go of that fear of transfer. When I met with my doulas (two of the most amazing women in the world by the way) I let them know that if it came to a transfer, that would be when I really need support. I didn't think I could handle it.
I also use the words contractions, rushes, and waves interchangeably here. Contractions have a really medical and painful feel to them, and I don't think they need to nessicarly be either, all the time.
Tuesday May 26th, I kept commenting to Jeff that the baby was bothering me. She would do this thing where I could feel her push her legs and arms out (not kicking, stretching) and it would hurt like the dickins. I kept gasping every time she did it, and Jeff kept asking if I was having contractions.
No its the baby stretching
Really rythmically and all over my uterus
In a slightly regular pattern
That is kind of like early labor
But of course its not, its just the baby, right?
Jeff told me to go to bed and get some rest. I didn't think it was nessisicary. After all, even if these WERE contractions, I had been having them for weeks. But I got tired and went to bed around 2am.
I was woken up by the contractions at 6am, Wednesday May 27th. Now I was acknowlodging that they were contractions, but I was definitely not in labor. I mean come on, I was only a week past my due date, why would I be going into labor, where is the logic? I went back to sleep.
At 9am I felt sticky and wet all over my thighs. I put my hand between my legs. My water had broken! I ran to the bathroom trying not to leak, and gave a big wipe. Then my heart sank. The color on the toilet paper was yellow with a brownish swirl. My first thought was meconium. Meconium means birthing in the hospital. Then suddenly it clued into me that meconium would be green or brown in color, and this was yellow. Mucus plug...and lots of it! I think I must have lost my mucus plug in bits and pieces with Dreighton, because this was a new experince. I tried to summon some emotion.. this pile of sludge was helping keep my baby safe and protected up in my uterus. Emotion summoning failed... its hard to get emotional over what looks like a sinus infection in your vag. As I contemplated the miracles of life and snatch snot, it hit me that I might just possibly, perhaps, just maybe might be in early labor. What with the all the baby stretching and lady parts leaking...
So I called my mother in law and let her know that NOTHING exciting was happening, and that she shouldnt get her hopes up, but that my mucus plug had come out. But you know, that dosen't mean ANYTHING, lots of women loose their plug and stay pregnant for a few more days. She got excited anyways.
After this the details might be a little bit out of order, but I am going to do my best to try and get everything chronologically.
I got the boys up and told Jeff that something might be happening..but I wasn't too sure. I really did not want to get my hopes up again. Still doubting, I called my mom and asked her to come pick up Dreighton, just in case. If anything, it would give us time to clean more and get some grocceries.
I told Dreighton we were going to have a special breakfast, because I was thinking today might be a special day. I explained that I was going to make toast with nutella and banana slices. He informed me that chocolate sandwhiches is not actually a proper breakfast food, and I was to dish up some cereal and fruit, and *right now* please. I made them for him anyways and told him he could get cereal after he tried one bite. Needless to say, the cereal went utterly forgotten as he mowed down on his first taste of nutella.
Then things got a little more intense. The contractions weren't super close together...but I decided I better take a shower. I hadn't washed my hair in a few days and who wants to have a baby with unwashed hair? I got nervous.. if I was in labor it was definitely very early labor. I knew that you are not supposed to get into the birth tub in early labor because the warm water can relax you so much that the contractions decrease or go away. I wasn't sure if a shower was okay. I decided to give my doulas a call to ask, and also to give a heads up that I thought I was in labor. We had been planning on going on a walk later that afternoon to help me go into labor, and I said I was pretty sure that the walk was no longer nessicary and that they would probably be comming for my labor that day. I asked about the shower and they told me it was all good, so I got in.
I think its possible that it was in the shower that I started thinking.. okay.. its going to be today or tomorrow. Im not really sure when I decided that this was it. It was more of a gradual process rather than a sudden relization. Even when I started to acknolwedge it, in the back of my head I was telling myself "Its going to stop any minute now". I got out my body wash and started rubbing my belly and nipples, rocking back and forth. Things picked up a little more. I called Dreighton in to hum with my during contractions. He watched me mmmmmm through them and joined in from time to time. When I was laboring with Dreighton I hummed through alot of contractions. I was later told that it sounded like a whales song. I would hum that same song to Dreighton while we nursed and as he grew older he began mimicing it back at me, around my boob. We hummed this same song with a low intensity, feeling the vibrations.
When I got out I got changed into the white skirt I was planning to wear during labor. A few people told me I was nuts for wanting to wear a long white skirt because blood and guts have a tendency to jump onto white things. I was set on wearing white, a color of peacefullness and serenity, pure and simple. It was also only five dollars at the Salvation Army. Worst case scenario, we end up with an intresting "tie dye" job. Jeff and I decided we would wait for Dreighton to be picked up, then head out to do errands. I had a midwife appointment later that afternoon and we figured that if things felt about the same we would go to the appointment and tell them we thought the baby was comming soon, and if things picked up we would call and tell them they would be seeing us soon.
I wanted to love on Dreighton a bit. It was such a beautiful day and we headed outside and I felt really peaceful and connected with him. We painted his fingernails blue and I braided his hair and held him and we talked about how the baby was comming. As I held him I thought alot about how things were changing, and how he wouldn't be my only baby soon, and that made me a little sad. I had been feeling a little meloncholy over the that thought for the past few weeks, that the one who had been my one and only would soon become one of two. I thought about how I would no longer be able to tell him he is my favorite in all the world, and if that would hurt his feelings. Dreighton was happily oblivious, running around unfettered, with his bug hunting kit around his waist, as he stomped on ants. One life comes into the world..as a few dozen leave... many thanks to Jeff for teaching him it's okay to slaughter outdoor bugs.
My mom eventually arrived and Dreighton got loaded into her car, and I watched them drive away, aware that there was a good possibility that this was the last time I would see him as my only child. Then I pushed those thoughts away and Jeff and I got ready to head out to the groccery store. I remember feeling very uncomfortable while sitting, and spazzing at Jeff when he suggested he gun it before hitting a speed bump in order to "move things along". We had to wait a minute for me to get myself composed and out of the car, and I started thinking it would be rather embarassing to have my water break at the groccery store that I frequent.
The plan was to get lots of fresh fruit to eat during labor. Lots of food recomended during labor are things like oatmeal and toast, but I had fixated in fresh fruit and we got a ton of it. It was alot of fun. We goofed around with the fruit, and I filled up the basket with berries and grapes, and we blocked up the isle taking pictures of me holding up a big ol watermelon next to my belly as an old lady tried to get through. We then went on a search for decadent chocolate, and Jeff held some up and says "this is the most expencive" so we went with that one. If there is ever a time for luxery and decadence..its during labor. I made rediculous faces in the cheese isle as I got hit with a massive rush, and hobbled over to check out counter.
"How far along are you? Whens that baby comming out?"
"Oh I'm about nine days past, and today hopefully, I'm in labor"
Dead silence as everyone in the two check out lanes stops to stare at the crazy whackadoo who is groccery shopping during labor. Clearly, I can see them say with their eyes, this chick needs to be admitted to the psych ward.
"..and you.. you are groccery shopping???!!!111eleven?"
"Well I need fruit, gotta keep the energy up"
Everyone goes back to what they were doing, avoiding looking at Jeff and I.
"...yes..yes of course"
Next time I need my grocceries rang up in one heck of a hurry I know just what to say to speed things along.
After the organic groccer we went off to Boomers to pick up the new carseat. Again more shock and disbeleif.. "Are you heading to the hospital after this?" Nope, going home, having a baby. Took a moment to clutch at a pole and breathe before waddling out again, this time to head to the extra foods. Ice cream Oreo Birthday Cake! Contraction hits as I am trying to pay, and I gasp at Jeff to finish up. The girl behind the cash has wide eyes and she says nothing as she stares at me and bags the cake. You can tell she wants us out of there before I spontaneously explode all over the groccery conveyer. Clean up in isle 4...
By the time we finished at London Drugs getting CD's and shower gel, I realized we did not have time to go home and shower together, so Jeff took me down to my midwife appointment and he went home to have a rest. The midwife was in with another mother, so I walked around the lobby and stopped twice to grab onto the fireplace and lean back. I wish we had pictures of it, I am sure it was hillarous.
I got into the office and asked the midwife if she felt rested, because we were having a baby tonight. Of course, the contractions slowed down (this begins to set a pattern for the rest of my labor) and I only have one while I am in there. She tells me I can come in the next morning to get my membranes sweeped if she dosen't hear from me that night. I start thinking again that maybe I am not in labor. If the midwife dosen't think I'm in labor, maybe im just having braxton hicks again. After my individual appointment I got to go see the other newborns in my prental group. They were so sweet and I got excited to go home and try and get things moving along. (Are you feeling confused yet about wether or not I thought I was in labor? Good. So was I)
Jebbers picked me up and we went to get Quiznos before heading home. I orginally planned on on stopping at starbucks as well but decided that I really didn't need an iced passionfruit lemonaid tea (well timed contraction outside the starbucks). So we went home instead, and mowed down on tuna and beef sandwhiches, and I did a final update online. Jeff played some stupid youtube videos to make me laugh, and they shook me open and hurt horribly. Laughing during contractions is this fantastic way of just loosening up and opening up and feeling wonderful.
Jeff and I jumped into the shower at this point to get some love going. We kissed a bunch and he gave me amazing back and belly massage. You would think that making out would be the last thing on your mind during labor, but it was amazing, and I felt so connected and intune with him. He held me through the contractions, and we rubbed eachother, and as Jeff puts it "It was magical'n'stuff"
Always the romantic that one. We made love at eachother. Not sex, but just got this really intimate romatic sexy vibe going on, as he held me up and rubbed my back and kissed me. I got a little high off the feelings and felt pretty amazing and loved and strong.
By the time we got out I figured it was time to call my doulas. I headed downstairs into the birthing suite, and Jeff tidied up. I called Natalie I think, and told her I was giving her a heads up to come in about an hour and a half-two hours. I was feeling like I was definitely in labor, but my self doubt had switched from "not in labor" to "not that far along". I decided I would try and rest so I hopped onto the mattress sideways. I chatted on msn a bit, and completly grossed out Bella.
So whats up?
Im having a baby!
...Please tell me you aren't pushing the baby out while your on msn with me?
I was about to tell her that no, no pushing yet, when my phone connection cut out. Whoops. Poor Bella. Sorry about that btw ;)
The hour or two while I waited for the doulas was a bit surreal. I don't really remember it at all, I think I mostly just hung out on the mattress and chatted to Jeff as he tidied up around the house. I don't really know if I did much else, or if I got much rest.
I know some time inbetween callng Colleen and Natalie, and them arriving, I cut up all my fruit in the kitchen downstairs, and had a blast doing it. Jeff and I took goofy photos and I gorged myself on berries while belly dancing through each rush.
When Natalie and Colleen showed up around 6 or 7ish. I remeber thinking it must be much earlier in the afternoon because it was still really sunny and bright out, but they told me afterwards it was evening, after dinner. Jeff went to go pick us up some pizza, and we decided to go on a walk once I was finished my root beer freezie (seriously yum..but not as good as dr.pepper ones). Every time I rushed Colleen grabbed my freezie and I closed my eyes, then started on it again once they were done. When I was sitting (or lying down) I noticed the rushes were more painful, but they would slow down and happen further apart. Then it was walk time. I told Jeff that if we didn't come back he should assume we had been attacked by bears, and I had a fun time trying to tease them about the bears in the neighborhood, and we talked about my whackadoodie neighbors who feed the bears and let them sleep in their backyard because its cruel to hide your garbage and scare them away from residential areas.
I think the walk was probably my favorite part of the whole experince. It was so beautiful outside, sunny and warm and peaceful. We walked passed a family watching their kids bike ride from their driveway and I stopped and rushed. The original plan had just been to go around the block but the walking felt soooo good and the contractions I had while walking were strong but didn't really hurt that much, and I found it was easier to keep walking if I could during the contractions rather than stop. I decided I could handle doing the loop around Princess Park so we headed into there. We joked about maybe having the baby in the park, and I told them she could be their first catch for midwifery school. A bunch of mud squealched up between my toes from my holey soles that.. have holes in the soles from walking in them too much, and it smelt like summer. We took a ton of pictures there and I rushed against trees. We started finding different positions, the walk was definitely speeding things up, and I started leaning on my doulas or relaxing back onto them. My back started hurting AFTER the rushes, so we tried some pressure on my hips which helped alot. I tried curling my back hanging off a bridge and couldnt help but laugh because I looked rediculous, which hurt like a bitch during contractions but helped alot too. At one point a couple passed us with a dog and I just stopped and closed my eyes and started rushing. The dog stopped... and watched me. I had a feeling that the couple was weirded out a little but Colleen told me she thought they were more concerned about the dog being in my way.
I wanted to keep walking but I also reallllly had to pee, and there was no way I was squatting on the trail. Colleen told me theres lots she would do for a birthing mom, but not getting her legs peed on. I agree. She can save that for when shes a midwife ;) I thought maybe we could go back to the house so I could pee, and then go walk again. On the way back I picked a big bunch of flowers for Valkyrie, a little welcome to the world bouquet, with beautiful colors. Truly I am the best mama ever, because there were tons of bees in the bushes and I risked my beautiful skin being stung to grab them. All hail Kaschelle, avoider of bees and gatherer of flowers!
When we got home (and I had a fantastic peeee.... they kept feeding me water, those attentive ladies!) I decided that I was probably good to stay there. I had thought I wanted to go back out, and they offered, but we started into a rythym. We clustered in the kitchen and had a ton of fun. If the walk was the most peaceful part of labor, this was defintely the most fun. I put on Lilly Allen (horrah for trashy british pop!) and started dancing. Colleen and Natalie led me through some hip movements and we swung our hips and did figure eights. I was rather suprised that I accomplished those, what with being the most uncordinated clutz on the planet. But I did them and stayed up right, and they felt fantastic. Horray for belly dancing!
I felt suprised at how fantastic I felt at this point. It felt more like I was having a great night in with my girlfriends, instead of being in active labor. We were laughing and chatting and dancing and being goofy ( I think I was probably more goofy than they were ) and I had a blast. At this point I was rushing about every three minutes, and feeling on top of the world.
My big plan this time was to surrendor to the contractions as opposed to fighting them. I remembered with Dreighton (any with many pain management techniques I read about) that they are all about diminishing the pain or making the pain less. Well..it dosen't work (or didn't for me with Dreighton). So instead of trying to escape the pain, I decided to surrendor to it. It is going to hurt, and that is okay. Rather than running away from the pain, I fully embraced it and let it sink in and concentrated on it and how it was bringing out my daughter, and then it was gone and I enjoyed the time inbetween. I was amazed out how well this worked. By fully surrenduring to and embracing the pain, I danced my way through active labor and enjoyed it.
At this point Natalie and Colleen were trying to convince me to phone Brynn. I wasn't too sure if I should. Afterall, I wasn't crying or screaming so therefor l was in early labor, and I didn't want to bother her. No, you should definitely call her. You are in active labor, just managing well.
So then I paged her, from sitting on the couch. As before, when I was sitting, my contractions became more intense and slowed down. Brynn called me back and we talked for a bit. She asked how far apart my contractions were and I looked to the doulas. About three minutes they said. We talked some more. Brynn told me she had just gotten back from another birth and was in her pajamas. She mentioned that I hadn't had a single contration since we had been talking. I laughed and told her I knew, but that they were slowing down when I sat, and then I passed the phone to one of the doulas to have a big contraction. Brynn listened and told me she would be over.
We got on the birthing ball for a bit, and either Colleen or Natalie (sorry I forgot which one of you! remind me) did some amazing pushing on my knees and pushed my back into the wall behind me, which was absolutely fantastic. The waves started changing and feeling amazing and beatiful and pleasureable, and I remarked in shock "Wow..that one felt really good" They didn't stop hurting, but this amazing mix of pleasure and intensity was mixed in with that hurt, and I was feeling pretty high on the feeling.
So, through this whole process we had talked to my mother in law a few times. She was very worried she would miss the birth, and I kept getting frustrated and telling her that if things progressed we would phone her and tell her, and that she shouldn't worry. "Im not that far along stop worrying" Her caregiver to watch her husband hadn't arrived yet, and she was terrified she wasn't going to get there in time.
When Brynn came I told Jeff (who had been tidying and napping upstairs) that it was time to stay. Brynn arrived around 11pm and checked me. I was at 4cm and "very stretchy". Very soon after that my water broke.
I started getting worried. When my water broke I was pretty sure I saw meconium. No one else said anything. I pretended I couldn't see it and asked if I could take a shower to wash off. Jeff and I headed in there and he rubbed my back and I told him I thought I saw meconium, and that if I did it would mean a hospital transfer. I was feeling really upset. I had been fixating on having meconium in the waters for over a week..and here it was looking like that my "irrational worries" were becomming a reality. Jeff tried to cheer me up and told me I sounded like a manatee. That got me laughign and in a better mood. Jeff got me dry and I put on my nightie instead of my skirt (which was the same whinnie the pooh nightie I wore when I had Dreighton). We started nuzzling and loving at eachother alot. Colleen asked me if there was an image or anything to help me think of to keep calm and I said Jeff, and gave him a big hug. I just wanted to hold onto him and sink into him and loose myself in his chest.
So thats when it was confirmed that there was meconium, and that we were now going to be having a hospital birth. Hearing someone else say it outloud and acknowledge what I had been worrying about hit me like a sack of cement. We didn't have to leave yet, Brynn said we could head down around 7cm, and that I could still fill up the birthing tub to use as pain releif and to relax me.
My mindset just completly changed. I went from feeling very lovely and high and happy to utterly dejected...and this is where my story and how everyone elses changes.
I went down to the bed and laid down on my side, with jeff spooning me. I became very very quiet and my contractions slowed right down. Everyone thought that I was stalling or slowing down, and prepared for a long night. I stopped interacting with everyone. The lights were turned down and everyone was quiet and very loving and gentle with me. At one point, Colleen went to lay down on the other bed in the room for a nap, and everyone just slowed down the pace.
In my head things were a different story. I went into a completly different zone, inside myself. I felt very close to loosing it, and was trying very hard to keep my shit together. I knew that if I let it out just once and started screaming or swearing (like I did at the end of Dreightons birth) that I wouldn't be able to get it back together, and that I would have to work very hard to keep calm because if I didn't it was going to go crazy. I felt completly lost. The contractions had slowed down, but each one felt like the world was shrinking around me. They were so intense I could barely get through them. I rememberd what Ina May had said about women talking to their cervixes so I started moaning Oppppeeennnnnnnnnnnnnnnn through each rush. I kept thinking that I had failed myself, and everyone around me, by "allowing" the meconium in the water. I also knew that when we moved to the hospital, my plans for a natural birth were going to go right out the window. I was at a point where I wanted drugs, and there was an option to get them, I was going to take them.Then I realized that that kind of thinking is usually indicitive of transition. I assumed that everyone knew I was in transition. After all, I was feeling sad and confused and scared, and everyone else is telepathic and clearly knew that I knew I was in transition. My rushes were still very far apart, but very long, and extremly intense. The hip presses they had been giving me started feeling horrible and I tried to hit them when they tried to apply pressure to my hips, so that stopped. Every time anyone shifted their weight on the mattress I thought I might die from the "severe jostling". Always dramatic, thats me.
Holly arrived then, very excited that she hadn't missed anything, and ran upstairs to put Dreighton in bed (She had picked him up from my parents so he could watch the birth, he was fast asleep)
Jeff had to leave at one point, they went to go fill up the tub with water so I could labor in it. I remember feeling so alone, forever and ever. I was later told he was gone for thirty seconds tops, he booked it up the stairs, turned on the water, and ran back down.
I had two big rushes moaning open. I thought that if anyone tried to touch or move me, I might kill them (or atleast break a nose). At the end of one of them my opeennn turned to a grunt. I told Colleen "I felt a little pushy at the end of that one".
Colleen mentioned this to Brynn and Brynn tried to check me again, laying on my side. I kept saying I couldn't open my legs it hurt too much and one of them supported my leg. Brynn checked, not even all the way, and said "We need to get a move on"
Next rush I got up on all fours. They were thinking of trying to get me to the car but I was planted and not moving. I thought if they put me in the car I would have the baby in the front seat. They watched me have a rush and knew that the baby was coming soon, no moving me.
Colleen tried to get me to blow to slow the pushes and Natalie ran to the car to get the homebirth equipment. There was a ton of stuff in Brynns car and she ended up grabbing a bunch of clothes for donation in a bag instead, and had to run out again to get everything.
Colleen was trying to get me to blow, and all I could think in my head was "They are trying to get the pushing to stop to get me in the car..and I bet my breath smells really bad" I started thinking that maybe they were mad at me for needing to push and was worried that everyone in the room was angry. (they weren't I was just being an irrational pregnant woman)
The pushing was amazing. It certainly was not an orgasmic or painfree birth... it hurt like the dickens. But I was amazed at the energy that just crashed through me. I felt like all the energy in the universe was flowing through me, in me, out as I bellowed her out. After such a calm and mostly quiet (though giggly) labor, I felt like I had to make noise and let the world know she was comming, and comming now. It was a really spiritual and holy moment for me. I felt in touch with all the mothers who were birthing with me at that moment, all the mothers who have birthed, and all the mothers who will in centures to come. Time stopped and I was connected.
In one push her head came out, and in the next she was out. Brynn told me to take the baby and passed her between my legs. She had to say it a few times, I was stunned and in shock. Weren't we about to have this baby at the hospital? And it was so easy getting her out. With Dreighton I had pushed and pushed and pushed and then thought Oh thank god his head is out.. and then a nurse had piped up from around my vag "Oh look he is crowning". Uhh...
So when she was out, I was thinking, oh its probably just her head. It took me a few moment to clue in that the midwife was holding her trying to pass her to me. I grabbed her between my legs and they told me I looked ecstatic (I still felt a little shocked..)
Everything post partum was perfect. She pinked up immediately and let out a big cry, and I got her to my boobs and she went nuts. Another booby baby. I asked Brynn if we had to bring her to the hospital and she said nope, shes perfect. We would have had to go if she hadn't pinked up or started breathing and crying, but this was defintely one vigarous pink piglet!
The placenta came right away. I was nervous when they went to look for tears. I didn't feel like I had torn, but she had come so quickly I thought that I must have ripped from one side to the other. Nothing, not even a graze.
Jeff brought out her Birthday Cake, with a big "0" on it, and we sang happy birthday to her, and everyone else had cake and muffins.
Brynn told me that it was births like this that remind her to stay humble, but that I had given her a few gray hairs. From the time she checked me at four cm, to the time she was in my arms, was less than an hour and a half. She was born at 12:46am, at 8lbs 9oz, 50cm. I hadn't really beleived what Ina May had said about talking to your cervix, but I do now. My concious being was fixated on how everything would go wrong if we went to the hospital. I think my subconcious took control and told my body what to do. Every time I told my body to open, it did.
I had trouble writting out my birth story. I didn't really feel like I could say everything I wanted to say, and it is long as heck. I have never felt so empowerd by anything. My birth was beautiful, painful, holy, and powerful. I feel like I can do anything. I want to tell all women, we can take back our birth, it dosen't have to be horrible and scarry and traumatic.
"We have a secret in our culture, its not that birth is painful, its that woman are strong" Laura Stavoe Hame