Define "lenient" for me

[Michele]

I have been in the classroom for a loooooong time, and it seems that as time goes on, more and more parents are far too permissive and expect far too little from their kids in terms of work ethic, work quality, and behavior. They are all wrapped up in their kid's self esteem rather than their kid's self efficacy. More and more I see the following:

Kid is in charge

Parent wants to be kid's friend

Kid has and gets pretty much anything and everything they want

Kids do not have to work for anything

Kids do not have chores at home

Kids are allowed to be on phones all the time at home--texting, etc
.
Kids are allowed to go just about anywhere they want to and are offended when their parents ask where they are going.

Parents believe the kid's version of any story they tell

Kids have no responsibility and are not accountable for anything

There is far more I could add here. "Lenient" is really too nice of a term to describe the job that many of today's parents are doing. What I want to know is what the hell has gone wrong here. What has caused this shift in "parenting" philosophy to occur? How do parents expect their kids to grow up if they never expect anything of them? Are these parents lenient, or is it just me?

Share your thoughts here, please.

[StillSingingMom]

I've seen a lot of parents that really value their kids, but work and commute so many hours a day that they don't actually have a lot of time to spend with said kid.

So they work too hard to make that time good. They resist anything that will be negative. I don't think they mean to, but they end up avoiding anything negative as much as possible.

I believe that kids develop healthy self esteem by being accomplished, well behaved, and generally liked because of their positive attributes. I don't think you can hand a kid a positive self image by believing in him. He has to build it himself, often painfully.

[SueDid]

Our older kids are 22 and 20, and we have younger kids, too. I think there has been a HUGE change since our older kids were young. We started seeing more signs of the change when our 3rd and 4th children were young, and it's just kept going.

I think it's a combination of several things. I think Still Singing Mom is right in that many parents are short on time with their kids and want the time they do have to be good and are maybe turning a blind eye to some things. I also think that, for many, it's just easier to not fight it.

I also have seen a big change in what is deemed "normal" behavior.

I'll be honest, it's really hard for me to take seriously some of what is said by so-called experts in the field of child development when it seems that they are just changing what expectations are to fit the times. A friend's daughter was taking a course at college and wanted to interview me about some behavior I can't even remember what she called and asked how I dealt with it in my house. I couldn't really answer the question because she had a hard time even defining it properly and what she did say didn't make any sense at all. It was something like accidental misbehavior and she said "like when the kids draw on the walls, but know they should draw on paper, and meant to draw on paper but they accidentally drew on the wall instead." I told her that I'd never seen anything like that in my house and didn't know anyone else who did, either.

And then there is the myriad of parenting books out there and also what seems to be a general lack of common sense.

I think CM is right, too, that many parents aren't being parents. I think your list is spot on, Michele, I see it getting played out all around us. I know one family that I could say every single thing on your list pertains to. Their kids are grown now and two of the three are very immature for their ages, still take on very little, if any responsibility and just generally don't seem to know HOW to be adults. It's actually quite off-putting to be around them a lot of the time.

[Iconoclast]

ITA w/ all of the above. I think Michelle hit the nail on the head with "self esteem vs. self efficacy." I have to smile at your choice of words. I did a research project for my MPH about self efficacy and health promoting behaviors. I interviewed 145 subjects for a cohort of 114. At the outset, in Phase I. I was tempted to throw out respondents who didn't know what self efficacy was, because if they didn't understand the word, I doubted they could demonstrate it in their lifestyle choices. Turns out I couldn't exclude based on that, cause about half of them asked "what is self efficacy?" Ding ding ding, here is part of the freakin problem, lol

It isn't a parent's or a teachers responsibility to instill self esteem. It would be intrinsic if the kids were given responsibilities and help accountable for outcomes.

I still the The Incredibles was the best allegorical look at parenting in our time. Mediocrity is rewarded and "everyone is is special, therefore nobody is."

[bigstuffs3]

I agree as a teacher and a mom. I'm also shocked at what parents allow young children to watch/listen to.

[Maret00]

I agree with alot of it. I think part of it is lazyness in a way. Some parents grew up with seeing T/V and there happy tv families they thought it would be easier. I have heard a lot of people say I thought it would be easier. They just dont understand that life can be hard and it has its ups and downs and that goes back to kids being handed things with out working for it.

My sis is younger and a very good student and runs a branch of a company in her state she is only 22. But I could have hit her when she told me "we got the short end of the sick when it comes to money" we grew up in a 3 bedroom 2 bath house then moved to another state and had a 5 bed 3 bat house with a pool! She lives in a very rich niborhood and her boyfriends family are loaded but by no means were we poor she was around after my parents devorice and had it a bit rugher but my goodness life was easy for awhile yet she thinks we didnt have enough!

Mediocrity is rewarded and "everyone is is special, therefore nobody is."
This is very true but I think most people are special but in there own way. I did love the honesty in that movie!