online discretions

[harmony]

I have a friend that comes to these boards and I wanted to get multiple opinions from family women, so here I am.

I just found out that my husband of 8 years is having an "online affair" with another married woman. I have found pictures and saved messages and emails. Some of the pictures were very provocative, but were taken and saved many years ago, about 7 years ago. It is on the archives, so I know when it was saved. I do not know if it has gone beyond that. She lives about 3 hours away. He says they have not. We were having problems at that time, both of our faults, lack of communication and not a lot of intimacy during that time, mainly because I was going through some emotional things and I did not want to be intimate. He swears he did not ever meet with her and only talked on the phone and exchanged pictures. I want to believe him. This woman has since had children, but they still communicate..but suposidly only as friends since their lifestyles and family dynamics have changed. Do you think her husband should know about this relationship too? I wish I would have known a long time ago, but they have children now and I don't know how to handle this. We have one child now too and it was after our problems and we reconnected. I do not want to throw everything away for something that may or may not have happened so many years ago and I don't know whether to expose the other person or not.

[Justicedog]

I think "exposing" the other person isn't really your role here.

You've got to decide whether you believe him or not. Whether you're ok with him having met her years ago. Whether you're ok with him still having an online relationship with him. Deal with your relationship with your dh. The other lady's relationship with her dh is her business.

[EvilAmy]

What JD said.

[Ma_Whit]

Telling her husband is not your business.

[Justicedog]

Whoops, sorry, you'd said it was your "friend's" issue. Inssert "your friend" for "your" in my post.

I think this could be a good new beginning for their relationship. It could be a good time to renew their committment to eachother and define what is and isn't acceptable with regard to relationships (online or in person) with the opposite sex.

[Tweet]

JD, I think she meant her friend comes here and told her about it and that's how she knew about us and why she came to get opinions.

As for the issue at hand, I completely agree with both Ma and JD.

[Solare]

stay the fuck out.

[harmony]

I would have loved to stay the fuck out. I would have loved it if I was not put into this situation. Staying the fuck out would mean that it was happening to somebody else and not me. If it were to be happening to another person and not my myself, I would be more than happy to stay the fuck out of their business.

[harmony]

My husband and I had a long talk and he asked if I wanted to communicate with her, if that would make me feel better. It would not. He says that at the beginning of their communication years ago, it was sexually charged and they had conversations and interactions via internet and occasional phone that were not appropriate, but they never met and never made plans to meet, it was just fantasy since they are both married. That really does not make me feel better about it, but I am trying to educate myself on the situation before making life changing decisions years after the fact.

We have made significant progress in our relationship since all of this, but I do feel betrayed that I never knew, so all progress feels like it was not built on a solid and honest foundation. I also feel resentment towards the other women because she knew he was married and she was married too. I do not blame her, she did not make her vows to me, but she has a husband that is in the dark and I sympathize with him because that was me.

I love my husband and I know he loves me, but this is hard to get past and I find myself wondering if there was ever something more..This hurts and "staying the fuck out" is easy to say when it is not your heart that is breaking.

After the initial blow, I realize that I will never confront this person or her husband. I am so tired. Thank you for your responses.

[Starfall]

:hug:

[Babyhellfire]

:hug:
I'm sorry.
I agree with the others , and also it could be that she has since told her hubby as well- and you would end up entering the relationship and reopening old wound, or drama . I would want no part of that.
That is their relationship to work on, I would hope she has told him or will and for the hubbys sake doesn't have to find out from another mans wife.

[BoobySnacks]

I would leave the other party out of this all together. Focus on your own marriage and not theirs. Who knows what is going in in their marriage and throwing yourself in the middle of that will only bring more pain. Children's lives can be ripped out from under them over this while thing, enough damage has been done. I have been through some issues that I do not care to re-live, but I can tell you that if both you and your husband are on the same page and you really want to make your family work, you can..both of you. I would suggest counseling of some kind to help you both get everything on the table and sort it all out and get through the pain that this has caused. I wish the best for you.

[HammBugga]

I am sorry this has happened to you. I don't think it's your place to inform her husband though. What you need to focus on is your own relationship and rebuliding the trust that has been lost.

[3girls2luv]

I am sorry this has happened to you. I don't think it's your place to inform her husband though. What you need to focus on is your own relationship and rebuliding the trust that has been lost.


This.

[3girls2luv]

What Hamm said is the mature best choice thing to do.
However I would not be mature, since I think cheated on spouses have a right to know. I would send her dh an annonymous email or note. But I am vindictive and immature like that.


I would want to do the same thing but you have no idea what kind of person that other lady's DH is and he could hunt the other DH down and kill him. Maybe I watch too many LMN movies IDK.

[SerialMom]

What Hamm said is the mature best choice thing to do.
However I would not be mature, since I think cheated on spouses have a right to know. I would send her dh an annonymous email or note. But I am vindictive and immature like that.


THIS. With copies of everything.

[DamnDrama]

Why is he still communicating with her?

[Jacksmommy]

I'd want my husband to cease his friendship with the woman. I would not contact her dh at all.