Couples - Money Management

[SerialMom]

Do you have a joint account? Seperate Accounts? Multiple Accounts? Do you have your own spending money or one pot? Do you make decisions together or autonomously? What works for you? What does not work for you?

My boyfriend and I were discussing this last night. I am all about a budget and earmarking money. This includes a set amount for each party to use as spending/fun money. We are in agreement there.

What is troublesome is his reasoning. We both feel it is just a sound financial decision - that there is no chance of "going over" or just spending too much/buying junk you don't need, you can save for a large ticket item, you can spend it - whatever. Now, he has also made some comments about how "If I want to get an XYZ, I can get an XYZ and I don't have to answer to anybody" Or So and So is going to buy this, he just has to weigh the wife/pain ratio.

I'm sorry, this just sounds childish and a bit misogynistic to me. It puts the female in a "mother" role and the guy is a little boy trying to circumvent authority. I understand his parents were not financial geniuses, and his XWife that he was married to for a whopping 4 months ruled the finances with an iron fist and helped herself to most of the money. But give me a break - I am not those people and find it insulting that this would be key in his decision to budget this way. My parents did everything joint, and discussed major and minor purchases. They are a team, a partnership. Neither of them feel slighted like they didn't get what they wanted. They had more respect for each other than that.


Am I reading too much into this?

[JustMoi]

It sounds like you'll NEED separate accounts to stop him from being a juvenile asshole.

DH and I have separate finances. The bills are in my name, and he moved into my home when we got together so things were mine already. I pay the bills, and I earn the income. But it's never an issue. We make all decisions together but he usually defers to me in this regard because I know more about what we have and what we need.

[still_me]

If you each have a set amount of play money, I don't see why he has to tell you what he is getting or when. It is up to him to save or spend his amount. He didn't have that freedom and now he does. I would be concerned if he was just blowing money for other things and not telling you, but if this little step makes him feel that it is "his" money, then I'd just let him live under the illusion that he answers to no one.

In our house DH and I have a joint checking and savings. He lets me know if he keeps cash out when he cashes his check or if he takes it out from the ATM simply because I am the one who keeps an eye on our finances more. I am the one who pays the bills, ect. I let him know how much we have to play with and I do tell him too if/when I grab something. Basically, the unsaid rule is if you have the cash in your pocket, then go for it IF it is under $30 or so.

[maksmom]

My husband and I have joint checking/savings accounts, but separate credit accounts, except for a car loan. We make joint decisions about large purchases but not so much for smaller purchases, under lets say, $100. But we are both pretty moderate in our spending, it wouldn't work if he was making several $100 purchases a month without consulting me. I learned my lesson about joint credit cards with my xh.

[minxs]

DH and i have a joint and separate account. Our salaries go into our personal accounts, and we both put the same percentage into the joint account. The joint account is used for all bills, mortgage, groceries, child care, and other household related things (clothing for kids, Dr visits etc).
We made a plan on how much was needed in the joint account and therefore what percentage of our salaries would have to go into that account. What is left in our personal accounts can be used for whatever we personally feel like and can be used without interference. As out incomes have varied vastly over the last 10 years, this approach allowed us to both contribute equally to the household (% wise), while keeping some private spending money.

[GirlsMama]

Our money is all together, his paycheck and the child support I receive. I get groceries and shop as needed and tell him what I spend and he keeps track of it. I don't usually go to a store without telling him before hand and then he lets me know if I should be careful spending. What I would like is to have my own account where he puts money and then I can just spend what I want when I want without having to let him know so he can account for it. But we've been doing it this way for 5 years so I guess it's working out just fine. Oh, and he pays the bills on the paydays so they go out before we use the money for other things. Our only wasted money is on eating out, we're not big spenders otherwise.

[SerialMom]

If you each have a set amount of play money, I don't see why he has to tell you what he is getting or when. It is up to him to save or spend his amount. He didn't have that freedom and now he does. I would be concerned if he was just blowing money for other things and not telling you, but if this little step makes him feel that it is "his" money, then I'd just let him live under the illusion that he answers to no one. In our house DH and I have a joint checking and savings. He lets me know if he keeps cash out when he cashes his check or if he takes it out from the ATM simply because I am the one who keeps an eye on our finances more. I am the one who pays the bills, ect. I let him know how much we have to play with and I do tell him too if/when I grab something. Basically, the unsaid rule is if you have the cash in your pocket, then go for it IF it is under $30 or so.

That is what is concerning to me. I have no interest in dictating or holding on to the purse strings. I think it is control. Now I think having a budgeted amount for spending money is a great idea, but his reasoning is worrisome to me.

Maybe it is a bigger issue than just money management. I am beginning to think he is tad immature and has some mommy/woman issues.

[newbie]

We have joint checking and joint savings, but we have talked about getting separate accounts, I tend to like to spend and he likes to save. If we get separate accounts his money would pay the bills and mine would buy groceries, items for the kids, school clothes, lunches ect ect.....He makes about 3 times more than I do so he doesn't mind paying the bills.

[_Gypsy_]

I'll never have a joint account again.

It worked out terribly with my STBX, he was an impulse spender and took such MAJOR offense anytime I suggested separate accounts - to the point of threatening me that I'd have no access to $ if I got my own account.

It was terrible.

[SerialMom]

And I had joint with my XH who was an alcoholic impulse/feel good spender with a magical debit card. You would think that I would shy away from pooling resources, but I am either naive or optimistic I spose.

[still_me]

That is what is concerning to me. I have no interest in dictating or holding on to the purse strings. I think it is control. Now I think having a budgeted amount for spending money is a great idea, but his reasoning is worrisome to me.

Maybe it is a bigger issue than just money management. I am beginning to think he is tad immature and has some mommy/woman issues.


Well, if you get the feeling that he won't be responsible or be able to control himself with just the money allotted, then I'd definitely rethink my stance on things. IMO, you both should be able to handle the finances without a power struggle. I handle most of our finances (bills/shopping) just because DH works during the day and isn't home to really do most of it during business hours. He does have a strong grasp and knowledge of our situation at all times though.


If he only made this comment once, I'd ask him after a day or two what exactly he meant by it and if he really felt that it was a control thing. I'd also ask him what he means by 'spend whatever he wants, whenever he wants'. Sometimes things don't come out the way they should, KWIM? Now, if he is constantly making little snide remarks about "wife/pain ratio" and how he doesn't wanted to be "controlled"..well, then I'd say he does have some issues and I'd keep my money separate.


I'd be watchful if I kept being compared to anyone in DH's past. I get that people get burned, but to put people in categories would be a red flag to me. You aren't his ex, and he isn't the same person (one would think) that he was when he was with her. I'd go with your gut, not with your heart. TBH, you don't deserve to be treated like his X.

[Nipple_nectar]

I think if your partner seems fair than an amicable agreement can be worked out. We have a joint account but it is hardly used.

We have been doing the same thing for nine years: we both have our own accounts and if one needs help, the other pitches in but otherwise, we have split the bills 50/50.

The only problem with this is the credit, which I have consistently abused and demonstrated some horrid financial habits. I have conceded that I suck and wish to be put on an allowance because I have no boundaries and may or may not believe in the magical debt card:/

We are about to do a major overhaul, cutting all but one credit card for emergency purposes only or realistic spending. He proposes that if I can save $150 to spend in one spot on children's clothing for fall or whatever, that I should save and pay cash and forget the convenience, since I don't know when to stop.

I am skeptical but given the fact that, in six months, I have freely given Wachovia enough money to vacation in Jamaica for a week should be sobering enough to turn it all upside down.

Some people need to be on a leash, I am big enough to admit that.

[Suzzzz]

We have only joint accounts and it works good for us. We are both on the same page with regards to money. We have been married for 14 years and never had a money problem and I am so glad because with many of our friends and family, money is the number one marital problem.

I could not be married to someone who didn't want the same things with regards to money that I do. It would be too huge of a conflict for me and a deal breaker.

[ControlFreak]

I pretty much control all the money, but DH prefers it this way. All accounts are in my name only (he can't get a bank account because he screwed up the ones he used to have). He hands over his paycheck to me, I deposit it into my account, all bills get paid, groceries get purchased, necessities get taken care of. We keep a limited amount of cash on hand for small purchases. If DH wants to buy something that costs more than a few dollars, he has to go through me. He does not have his own debit or credit cards.

Sounds controlling, I know, but DH is awful with money and he knows it. He is happy with the arrangement. We do discuss large purchases.

[HammBugga]

You said that he had issues with his ex spending all the money. My guess is, she limited him as well. So yeah, he has issues. That being said, I don't see a problem with him blowing his chunk of money on something big if that is what he wants to do and if it doesn't affect anything else (meaning he isn't asking for more to buy things he actually needs).

Dh and I have a joint account but that is very recent. I still control pretty much all of the money and we both agree that it should be that way. He is very irresponsible and never knows how much money we have, unless I tell him or he asks. We each dicuss larger purchases with each other. The definition of a "larger purchase" has change a bit since we've been broke but we have stuck to the same gameplan.

[Babyblue]

controlfreak, I know a couple somewhat like you, minus a addiction problem. the wife is the super responsible well prepared one, the husband had an alcohol abuse problem in the past and willingly hands over all his paycheck and get a very small daily allowance in return. he fears that if he has control and has the money or card in hand he might be overly temped to use it to buy alcohol if he has a moment of weakness.

Dh and I have one account, and talk about all purchases big and small. I personably had seen my parents make a lot of money mistakes so it makes me more cautious about spending more then 50 bucks. We never have a crap load of money in the bank for savings, as the past few years have been hard as hell on us with a broken down house, car and the most recent -vet bills that where in no way our or our animals fault.

[SerialMom]

We both agree with the arrangement, it is just his reasoning that is bothersome to me. We both see it as smart and organized, but he also sees it as "that way we don't have to answer to anybody". Well... would I be your wife or your mommy?

It's not that either of us are not responsible enough still_me, and I won't get in a relationship like that again. Trust me. But yeah, I get the sense he is worried about being controlled. And I am super watchful for the red flags. I do get the feeling women are categorized as controllers for him. He doesn't compare me to the X specifically, but I do wonder sometimes what I will have to do or how much time it will take to *prove*that I am not like his mother or his X, I am the complete opposite and given the opportunity I am one of the most giving, selfless, generous woman he could hope to meet.

Don't worry, this is just preliminary talks. No ring or date yet.

[SerialMom]

You said that he had issues with his ex spending all the money. My guess is, she limited him as well. So yeah, he has issues. That being said, I don't see a problem with him blowing his chunk of money on something big if that is what he wants to do and if it doesn't affect anything else (meaning he isn't asking for more to buy things he actually needs).

Dh and I have a joint account but that is very recent. I still control pretty much all of the money and we both agree that it should be that way. He is very irresponsible and never knows how much money we have, unless I tell him or he asks. We each dicuss larger purchases with each other. The definition of a "larger purchase" has change a bit since we've been broke but we have stuck to the same gameplan.

Yes. He came back from Iraq with 10Grand and paid for their wedding, her dress, the honeymoon, everything. They also bought a house and his money went into that. The little things you do on a house - window treatments and even frivolities like fancy lightplates he paid for. She came in with a bunch of debt, financed a HE washer/dryer set and immediately took control of the bank account. He had no access to it. They should have had tons of money but she put him on a tight weekly allowance that was to include his gas money to/from work as well. He put up with that for two months, and when he did get access found that she was paying off all of her debt with the money and buying things she wanted. Then, after he put his foot down she took her daughter (that called him daddy) and left.

Yeah... maybe I should run? lol To be fair - they were friends prior (he dated one of her friends), penpals while he was in Iraq came back and immediately started planning the wedding. I don't think they really knew each other, and I also know I am only hearing one side of the story. I know if my partner came into the marriage with a bunch of debt and we had the same goals, one of the first courses of action would be to payoff that debt so we could start saving and living better.

Hmm... looking back over this, I am amazed at the small details I have been made aware of and perhaps he is still bitter.

[HammBugga]

I wouldn't say run with that information. He felt controlled and used. It is only natural for him to have some issues behind it. What he needs to do is realize that he has issues with it and move on.

[SerialMom]

I wouldn't say run with that information. He felt controlled and used. It is only natural for him to have some issues behind it. What he needs to do is realize that he has issues with it and move on.


You're right. And like I said, I am not jumping into anything. Time will tell, it has been brought up to him before (by me) that he has some bitterness and needs to move on. And with this discussion, I told him exactly what I told you ladies here - that he didn't need to worry about "answering" to me and it kind of left a bad taste in my mouth that he felt that way.

[still_me]

I wouldn't say run with that information. He felt controlled and used. It is only natural for him to have some issues behind it. What he needs to do is realize that he has issues with it and move on.

I agree with this. I see this as just another step in the beginning of a relationship. He might not even realize that he is this way. I'd talk to him about it. He might get defensive, but maybe he'll take a day or two and realize that he is doing it. If he continues on the same path though, I'd step away.

I don't think you'll make any rash decisions. You seem very level headed and aware of life. I hope that the two of you can see eye to eye on this completely.

[SerialMom]

I think he will get defensive, but we need to have that talk anyway before it festers.

[Babyhellfire]

If you each have a set amount of play money, I don't see why he has to tell you what he is getting or when. It is up to him to save or spend his amount. He didn't have that freedom and now he does. I would be concerned if he was just blowing money for other things and not telling you, but if this little step makes him feel that it is "his" money, then I'd just let him live under the illusion that he answers to no one.

ITA

In our house DH and I have a joint checking and savings. He lets me know if he keeps cash out when he cashes his check or if he takes it out from the ATM simply because I am the one who keeps an eye on our finances more. I am the one who pays the bills, ect. I let him know how much we have to play with and I do tell him too if/when I grab something. Basically, the unsaid rule is if you have the cash in your pocket, then go for it IF it is under $30 or so.
We Pretty much do this- except the opposite roles. I am terrible about keeping track of that stuff.

Good luck serialmom

[Macabe]

Theoretically, we have joint accounts, but I handle the money. We are supposed to talk to each other about larger purchases, but we don't always. I go over every expense though, and it we are overspending in a month, I tell us to cool it.

Actually, I agree with your boyfriend's reasoning completely. I think everyone should have some fun/blow money that they don't have to answer to anybody about, think about justifying, etc. Even if it's just to buy you presents. What's wrong with having a little privacy? Closing the door when you go to the bathroom doesn't mean you're trying to hide the fact that you poop. It's just about a little bit of personal space.

[JudyJudyJudy]

SM, between this issue and another thread you posted in the past, I don't see this relationship working out well in the long run. My husband is financially retarded (I know that will offend someone, but I'm serious), and it has been a rough 14+ years for us. Assuming you stay healthy, things will be okay, but if ever you need to rely on him, you might be fucked.