Ds wants to live with my mom. Advice needed.

[WalkingTittyBar]

He has always begged me to let him stay with my mom, especially over the last couple of years. And its started up again.

He is there to visit for a week or so. There are no other kids around that he hangs out with. My mom works all day (from 8am to 11pm, 5 to 6 days a week, two different jobs) so he is there with my moms loser of a husband. I absolutely despise this man. My mom is 10 years older than he is and she works these two jobs because he refuses to get a job where he could actually make a decent enough wage for her to quit one of her jobs. He is a total and complete idiot and I feel like his poor work ethic will influence my easily influenced son.

Ds asked if I would let him try out living there for the first 6 weeks of school and if it didnt work out, he would come back home. Then when I told him that I wasnt having this discussion over the phone, he said that if I dont let him stay, he will just rebel and there is nothing I can do about it. I told him that if he rebels, I will crack down on him and he will not be allowed to do anything. Last year, I told him that if he behaved well in school and at home, I would let him stay the last 6 weeks with my mom. Needless to say, he didnt get to stay with her.

He says that he wants to stay there because we are all miserable together and fuss and fight all the time.


You know, I feel really hurt about this. I guess I take it too personally. Why does he feel like he shouldnt be here with his family? Sometimes I believe he truly hates me. And sometimes, I feel like I should just throw in the towel, let him stay there with my mom and her loser husband.

eta: I will be discussing this with ds' counselor, but he doesnt go back until the 22nd of this month.

[TheLorax]

My radar is up about your Mom's husband. I don't know why, but it is a gut feeling that goes above and beyond his laziness.

I think if I were in your shoes I would let DS know that no matter what, no matter how he rebeled, he was an important part of our family and that it wasn't just about where he wanted to live, but about the family, and that his absence would be too painful for all of you. I'd let him know that the years will go by very quickly and when he's able to live on his own, the door will be open. Open for him to leave, open for him to stay as long as he needs. But until that time his place is with his whole family.

I'd make sure that your mother and her husband are backing you up on this. If you three don't have a united front it could become very confusing for him and very destructive.

I'd be hurt too, but I think it's not so much a statement of his desire not to live with you specifically as it is a statement of normal selfish child point of view that the grass is greener somewhere else.

[QuiltyConscience]

Honestly I don't think you even need to ask the counselor what he thinks, ask yourself if really you think that being left to his own devices much of the time would be great for a teen boy.


I am curious as to why you would even consider it at all?

Sounds like he wants to live there because the rules are more lax, and he is less supervised. And he doesn't need that. Or maybe they have a cool stereo. If it helps any, a lot of teens try to "go live with ...." because they think it will be more fun elsewhere. And "more fun" doesn't mean "great idea".


Don't even let him think this is an option.



So no. He doesn't need to get his way because he whines and pleads. No, son, you live here, The End.

[JudyJudyJudy]

One word: NO.

[JustMoi]

Simple answer. You tell him that NO, he is not going to live there. He IS going to remain at home, and if he feels that the rebellion is going to be his next course of action, he will learn the hard way what a true crackdown on rules can be. And that he will be spending NO time with your mother and her loser husband under any circumstances. His attitude is proving to you that someone over there is a bad influence nad it will not continue.

Bottom line... tell him you are the parent, he is the child. He will do what he is told, WHEN he is told, and he doesn't have to like it. The family is NOT a democracy it is a totalitarian government until such time that you deem him capable of casting a rational vote.

[Sassafras]

One word: NO.


I totally agree, NO

[WalkingTittyBar]

TheLorax, what is your radar telling you about the loser?

[Crabbie]

One word: NO.

This.

[SueDid]

I echo those who say absolutely not. The only house my kids will run will be their own.

Our kids learned quickly that freedom is earned and the hows, whens and whys are up to us.

[WalkingTittyBar]

Okay, I just got off the phone with ds and actually had a decent, civilized conversation with him. I let him know that the answer to him living with my mom is a big emphatic no. I told him he belongs here and our lives would not be the same with him gone. I did tell him that after he graduates high school, he is free to move out.

He said, and I remember feeling like this at his age, that he wants more freedom. I do allow him to go places with select friends. I do not, however, allow him to go to the homes of or be in the company of people who I feel are bad influences. (There was an episode last year where I gave in and let him go to a hoodlums house for 2 hours but it will not happen again.) All I ask is that I know who is with, where he is going, and when he will be back. And he normally takes my cell so he can check in. He talked about how he is going into high school and he feels that he should be able to go places with friends who are able to drive. This scares me shitless.

What is appropriate for a kid of his age? I cant use my teenage years as a guide because I had him when I was a teenager myself. I want him to have fun teenage years, but I dont know how much freedom is too much or not enough.

[Michele]

One word: NO.

This exactly. No discussion needed.

[Michele]

Simple answer. You tell him that NO, he is not going to live there. He IS going to remain at home, and if he feels that the rebellion is going to be his next course of action, he will learn the hard way what a true crackdown on rules can be. And that he will be spending NO time with your mother and her loser husband under any circumstances. His attitude is proving to you that someone over there is a bad influence nad it will not continue.

Bottom line... tell him you are the parent, he is the child. He will do what he is told, WHEN he is told, and he doesn't have to like it. The family is NOT a democracy it is a totalitarian government until such time that you deem him capable of casting a rational vote.

JM, sometimes I think you and I were separated at birth. We refer to ourselves and the benevolent dictators that determines the course of our family. I have assured my children that when they are gainfully employed and in their own homes, that they too can assume the title.

[Suzzzz]

Is he 14?

My answer would be no.

[JustMoi]

Michele, I refer to it as being a take-no-prisoners type of parent. As the parent, I am in charge. The children are given choices to make so they can learn to make decisions, but the choices they are given are pre-chosen by me (options I already deem acceptable so ANY of the child's choices would be okay by me). The older they get, the more freedom they get, but an eagle eye is still very much in evidence. Privileges are earned, maturity is respected, and rebellion swiftly quashed.

As for the OP, I wouldn't let a kid ride around with other kids who drive. Statistically, they are more likely to get in accidents AND more likely to have them be severe. If he wants to hang out with the friends at the mall, you can drop him off. If the only other option is to not GO to the mall in the first place, I think he'll get with the program quickly.

[StillSingingMom]

I think you know exactly how much freedom to give your kid. I wouldn't let my kids ride around with freshly minted drivers, either.

If he wants more freedom, he can earn it. JustMoi is exactly my brand of parent in this respect. If he proves to you that he is mature, responsible, and trustworthy, then you loosen the reins. When he shows you that he needs supervision, you give it to him.

There isn't a right answer to the question "How much freedom should I give my teen?"

You just pay attention to what the kid is telling you with his actions, his attitude, and his grades.

[GirlsMama]

I wonder what your mom's husband is saying to him. If it was just your mom or if her husband was different I would let him try it, but the husband doesn't sound good.

I didn't go driving around until I was driving myself, then my bff and I drove all over the place. There were no cell phones back then (back then, heh) but we were always home when we said we would be. I don't know for sure that my mom always knew where we were driving though and looking back that isn't too safe. But I grew up in a town of 3,000 and driving country roads was just something we did.

I let my 12-year old go to the houses of her two best friends, but I like both of them and their parents, my dd has a cell phone but sometimes she doesn't hear it and I end up calling the house she's at if I want to check up on her.

As for the bad influences, do you trust your son to make the right choices? If you do, you could let him try hanging out with someone you don't like, chances are he is at school anyway. I think it's good to give kids a chance to make the right choice and then if they don't or if their attitude changes put restrictions on who they can hang out with.

Obviously a kid doing drugs or drinking isn't going to be someone I'll let my kid hang with. I don't know exactly what to say, my kids are 12, 5, and 2, and all girls and we haven't had any big problems yet.

If he is saying he wants to live with your mom and her husband perhaps because he wants more freedom then I would talk to your mom and her husband without your son present and find out what they are saying to your son. Maybe her husband is saying something shitty like "Just come live here and you can do what you want" and maybe your son knows that he would not carry out any rules or punishments and that your mom wouldn't stand up to him to do it either...

[GirlsMama]

My radar is up about your Mom's husband. I don't know why, but it is a gut feeling that goes above and beyond his laziness.

I think if I were in your shoes I would let DS know that no matter what, no matter how he rebeled, he was an important part of our family and that it wasn't just about where he wanted to live, but about the family, and that his absence would be too painful for all of you. I'd let him know that the years will go by very quickly and when he's able to live on his own, the door will be open. Open for him to leave, open for him to stay as long as he needs. But until that time his place is with his whole family.

I'd make sure that your mother and her husband are backing you up on this. If you three don't have a united front it could become very confusing for him and very destructive.

I'd be hurt too, but I think it's not so much a statement of his desire not to live with you specifically as it is a statement of normal selfish child point of view that the grass is greener somewhere else.

This is one of the clearest, most well-thought out posts I have read in a long time. I really like how it was worded and what was said. Very nice.

[Amy_G_]

Grandma has already raised her kids.
She's now working 2 jobs and taking care of her own dh,
she doesn't have to take care of the grandkids.
So NO you don't get to go move in with grandma.

Kids and many adults think the grass is greener on the other side. If only xyz happened they'd be happy. Things don't work like that.

I would talk with him about earning more independence by taking more responsibilities. When you show you have your head screwed on straight and can make good choices, then you can start making more of your own decisions. I would make a rule about not riding with kids that are under X years old--or not with more than 2 teenagers in the car.

At 14 he does need to be able to have some freedom to go to a friends house, or if that makes you uncomfortable, then to have his friends over to his house, or go somewhere together. Help him find one or two good/trustworthy friends, get to know their parents so you can both watch out for the kids and go from there.

[still_me]

I agree with TheLorax and with Amy_G.

[HammBugga]

Not just no, but HELL no.