Do you fight for your kid or let them fight for themselves?

[Justicedog]

The situation here is:

In ds's school it's the first year he can go out for band. The teacher sent home a slip of paper asking for a first choice and second choice. DS says he only wants to play sax. I explain that the slip says he has to pick a second choice as the band has to be balanced and that he has to be willing to do the second choice instrument, so he picked trumpet.

Today, DS says that the band teacher told him that he'd be playing trumpet. I went to the meeting tonight for band parents and the teacher said that there are too many kids wanting to play sax. 18 out of 84 kids wanted sax and it sax should only be like 5% of the band, so he's talked to students to see how they feel about playing their second choice instruments.

DS said that he couldn't tell Mr. Band teacher that he didn't want to play trumpet, that he really wanted to play sax. He's quite shy and simply wouldn't assert himself with a teacher if the teacher put any bit of pressure (or perceived pressure) on him.

I know there are parents who will talk to the band teacher and insist that their kid get their first choice. I understand the band teacher's problem, however, being affiable means that my kid doesn't get his first choice, has to go with something he doesn't want to do, whereas the insistant parents/kids will get exactly what they want. That's a life lesson - but, it's unfair and not how I think the world should be.

I'd asked whether if the kid who doesn't get first choice if they do the second choice for the year and still say, no, they don't like it, they want to do first choice, he said that that is handled on an individual basis, but that next year, kid can play preferred instrument in the lower grade or, maybe could take a lot of lessons over the summer and catch up and play with his own grade.

Would you talk/email the teacher either asking that he pick your kid for first choice instrument? Or to let the teacher know that although kid seemed to agree to play second choice, he did that because he couldn't stand up for himself? Or would you just let it go and kid needs to learn to stand up for himself?

[StillSingingMom]

I would encourage the kid to maybe pick a similar instrument to sax as a second choice, so that he can transfer the skill set to sax. Another reed instrument would be a good choice.

Failing that, many musicians play multiple instruments. If he REALLY wanted to play sax I'd rent one and get him some lessons, while also encouraging him to play some other instrument in band. You learn a lot of skills playing in an ensemble that are worthwhile on their own.

[JudyJudyJudy]

I would encourage the kid to maybe pick a similar instrument to sax as a second choice, so that he can transfer the skill set to sax. Another reed instrument would be a good choice.
I agree with this. I'd go with a clarinet. A friend of mine played clarinet in elementary school and moved easily into playing sax. She won state contests playing sax during the last couple of years of high school.

[Justicedog]

That makes sense, however, I don't see my ds as willing to play the clarinet, what's the other reed instrument? An oboe?

I think at this point, it's sax or trumpet. And sax only if I send a letter/talk to the band instructor asking for him to reconsider and letting him know that my ds was only doing what he felt he was being told. (DS said band teacher told him he'd play trumpet, band teacher said to the group of parents that he talked to kids about how they'd feel playing their second choice.)

[Solare]

An oboe is a double reed and the mouth technique is quite different.

I'd just go with the private lessons on sax. If he's truly interested in music, having a foundation in both brass and woodwind instruments would be quite beneficial.

[Justicedog]

He's more of an athlete than musician, although he seems to have good tone and rhythm. I was suprised that he wanted to do band, so I'm worried that if he doesn't get sax, he'll not be interested in continuing.

I'd broached the subject of private lessons and he didn't like that. He's extremely shy. It took him awhile to get comfortable with being on a team in sports rather then just playing with family, himself in the back yard.

[Solare]

I'd think because he's shy, he'd be more comfortable with a one on one situation rather than being a group....to each his own I guess.

[ima062002]

I would not insist that my kid get his/her first choice; but I wouldn't just let it go either. I'd ask to speak to the teacher with my kid and see if there are other possible choices left besides the trumpet and then I would go home and discuss with my kids if those other choices are anything he would like to try out. If not, I'd let my kid get out of the band and do something else for this year and try out again for next year with his choice of instrument.

For me this would be a lesson that a) you are not guaranteed your wishes but also b) if you can't get what you want, work on plan B and see if that leads to something satisfying and maybe even c) sometimes you gotta be patient and wait for another chance later on.

[BeanBabies]

Bass clarinets are really cool. They're big honkin' things and maybe not so 'nerdy' as a standard clarinet. Or maybe see if he can ask for a specific sax. A baritone sax is massive and not many kids are willing to give up the coolness of a tenor or alto sax.

[Solare]

ooh, that's an idea. The bari sax is awesome and you can do a great pink panther theme on it. LMAO

[Sadalsuud]

Clarinet fingerings are different enough from saxophones that it can get frustrating to learn both, especially if you are a beginner. eta: As in if he starts out on clarinet, then switches to saxophone after the first year.

I'd suggest either a tenor or a bari sax.

[crystal555rose]

If he is shy, like I was, it is likely that he will do this for a year or two and then quit. In my personal experience being shy and performing in front of or with people do not go together.

I would certainly explore other saxes (there are many), rental, private lessons, etc. Or just do another activity entirely.

[more_creme]

I agree with ima and SSM.

[Candi]

I would not insist that my kid get his/her first choice; but I wouldn't just let it go either. I'd ask to speak to the teacher with my kid and see if there are other possible choices left besides the trumpet and then I would go home and discuss with my kids if those other choices are anything he would like to try out. If not, I'd let my kid get out of the band and do something else for this year and try out again for next year with his choice of instrument.

For me this would be a lesson that a) you are not guaranteed your wishes but also b) if you can't get what you want, work on plan B and see if that leads to something satisfying and maybe even c) sometimes you gotta be patient and wait for another change later on.


I agree with this.

[Justicedog]

The decision is likely going to be made today, notices go home tomorrow as to who is doing what.

Prior to seeing this mornings emails, I sent an email to the teacher saying that DS does still really want to play sax, that ds thought the talk they had was that he was told he'd play trumpet (which is his second choice) and that he didn't feel he could say that he really wanted sax. I pointed out to him that it's not in my son's personality to be aggressive or assertive with teachers, so that while he may have given the impression that it didn't really matter one way or the other, his choice was sax. I mentioned that he was willing to do his second choice and he had some positive things to say about it, it has a horn on it and he can do the "Let's go Caps" song on it. I just asked that the teacher consider his personality, which he wouldn't know yet, along with how he responded to their discussion about first and second choice when making his decision as to what instrument ds would play.

I know that in his school, there are some mightily pushy parents and kids that will insist their child get whatever it is they want. I'm not like that, nor is my ds - at least in school and to those other than me. :) I don't think it right that the pushy people always get their way. I think that by not speaking up, I'm failing as a parent and ds will not believe that I'll stick up for him when needed. I feel my email just gave the teacher more information to make his decision. I indicated ds would do his second choice if need be. I don't hold out much hope for how much he'll like it and want to stick with it.

With regard to his shyness, he'll be ok in a school setting, he's comfortable there with classmates he knows and he's part of a group, not a solo. With private lessons, unless it's this music teacher (or perhaps the student teacher) ds will be uncomfortable. Maybe after a year of band, he'll get comfortable. I don't know. He's just so mr athlete, that I'm really wanting to encourage this music interest.

[crystal555rose]

I think your correspondence with the band director was great. Not demanding or pushy. I also hate that people who complain always get their way. I had an ex-friend who would complain at restaurants to get free meals. Isn't that stealing? She did not seem to think so.

Being athletic is a wonderful gift. I think it is great that you are encouraging your child to expand his interests. Do not be devastated if band is not for him. Like my parents were.

[ColleenF30]

My son plays clarinet...he also sticks his tongue out at anyone who says anything about a boy playing it LOL. I would talk to the band director and see what other options are available.

[cream_city]

I'll go back and read all the responses after posting this, but I think it's ridiculous to expect children to learn to play their second choice instrument.

Learning an instrument takes a lot of very hard work, and is a labor of love in many ways, and I don't see how someone could be expected to do that for their second choice.

It's not about them having a balanced band. It's about kids learning to play instruments. I'd not care if the band were unbalanced, and I think that it is completely understandable that your son had trouble making his case to the teacher.

It also doesn't make sense to me that he'd learn a new instrument the second year. It takes a long time to learn an instrument and just doesn't make sense to switch after a year.

[cream_city]

I think your correspondence sounds good too. And I think that playing in a group versus private lessons is very different. I didn't like private lessons, but liked being part of the band and getting to march in parades, etc.

The teacher was probably just trying to see which kids felt really strongly about it.

[StillSingingMom]

If he is shy, like I was, it is likely that he will do this for a year or two and then quit. In my personal experience being shy and performing in front of or with people do not go together.

I would certainly explore other saxes (there are many), rental, private lessons, etc. Or just do another activity entirely.


In a good environment, shy people can sometimes find a great way to perform. Some of the best classical singers I've ever met were actually pretty shy people. Many of the classical instrumentalists I have met were very shy in a "let's all look at me and listen to me talk" situation.

I can't tell you how many instrumentalists have told me "I could NOT possibly get up and sing in front of people." (Which is really funny to me, because playing an instrument in an ensemble where everyone is depending on you to get it right is far more intimidating to me.)

A band does need to be somewhat balanced or the band director is going to have a really hard time finding music for them to play.

But it might be possible to offer kids smaller ensemble options, if they were really motivated. A sax group could play together; there's music available for all sorts of small ensembles. It's all about what the band director has time (and possibly training) for.

Me, I wouldn't know what to do- but I don't know nuthin about creating no school bands.

[Justicedog]

I also think that they should allow all kids to play their first choice, but I'm biased. So what if you have a heavy sax band. I think it's easier to keep kids involved and interested in something that they want to do, as opposed to something they settled on. It's 4th grade band, how good is it going to sound? Really?

I know now what to do when dd gets up to 4th grade. She'll put flute as first choice (only choice) and sax as second so she'll get the first choice. Actually, if it comes to it, I'll demand with her. It's not fair if both my kids get bumped from their first choice.

We'll see tomorrow if the band teacher really gave a damn what I had to say. I'd like to hope so, but, who knows.

[RaisingThemLeft]

Good luck! I don't think there is anything wrong with firing off an email on behalf of your child. I've done that a few times myself. As long as you are polite I see no issue with it. Our kids have years to learn to fight for themselves. It really depends on the issue as to whether or not I'd get involved. In this case, I think I'd probably do what you did.

[Justicedog]

DS came home from school today with his instrument assignment.















http://www.doremi.or.jp/primo/part_ver_2/saxophone/Saxophne.files/03Alto%20Saxophone.GIF

[JustMoi]

Congrats to him :)

A schoolmate of mine was teased unmercifully because of his instrument. He wanted clarinet, got stuck with flute in 5th grade. He didn't want to play the flute, but his mom insisted he stick it out for the school year. By the time he hit high school, he'd been playing flute for 5 years. He ended up first chair as a sophomore (we started high school at 10th grade so no freshmen at all) which NEVER happened in our school. He was challenged regularly by girls for his position, but he always won.

He won a full 4-year scholarship to a university based on his flute playing skills. Played with the university marching band, a small jazz group, and a few other ensembles. I've heard him play recently (he's 40 now). He is amazing.

I hope your son finds he loves music, sticks with it, and finds his heart and his courage through song.

[Justicedog]

He's so excited. Came home and he had to go right out to rent/buy one. Holy cow I didn't realize how expensive these things are!

Now, my mom knows about this first choice, second choice thing and my email and everything. DS doesn't want to tell her which instrument he got because he wants to surprise her the next time she comes, which will likely be around Christmas time. Yikes!!! There's no way I can keep the info from her. I suggested we send her a video of him playing it but he said no.

It's always something.

[JudyJudyJudy]

I hope he enjoys it!

[cream_city]

Yay!!! I was so hoping that he'd get the sax!!