Playing well with others

[_MrsC_]

I could use some advice...

DS (3) often plays with the next door neighbor (4). For the most part they get along well, but it seems like the neighbor never want to do what DS suggests. When they are playing outside it's not really a problem, one will ride their bike the other will play with the toy and they are fine. For some reason, when they are playing in the house it becomes a problem.

DS tells neighbor boy that he wants to play in his (DS) bedroom and neighbor boy says he'd rather play downstairs. For a while this was OK and they just played seperatly like when outside. Lately though DS gets upset about it and will start to cry or just be sad about it.

My question is, how do I handle this? Do I need to teach DS to be more assertive? Do I tell him to let the other boy choose what they do because he is a guest in our home? Do I let them work it out on their own?

FWIW, they also play inside neighbors house and I don't think they have these issues over there. (I'm not sure, I've never asked the mom. I can hear them playing from my house and everyone seems happy)

I mentioned to DH that it could be because neighbor boy has more "stuff" and it's more fun at his house.

[Sputterduck]

I don't think I'd tell him to be more assertive about where they play. I would tell my son that everyone has free will and sometimes other people make choices we don't like. I would then tell my son that at those time he can either play separately, go with the other boy, or not play with him. That's pretty much reality right? He has no right to make the other boy do anything, and the other boy has no right to make your son do anything. If the boy is just being constantly contrary, then this is a great time to teach good skills for dealing with contrary people.

It also might help to talk to the other boy's mother. This also might be a great time for her to talk to her boy about considering the wishes of a friend.

[ima062002]

Next time you plan to invite X you could ask ds if he wanted the boy to come over to play but remind him that it could be that X won't want to do what ds wants to do. Or alternatively, next time he is crying and is sad you could empathize with him and then say something like, you know ds, if playing with X makes you sad, them maybe we should stop inviting him over to play. And see what he has to say about it.

[Candi]

The nicest kids I knew were always willing to play what I wanted them to play. Almost to the point that I felt bad picking on my own. My friends would point out that they got to play with this stuff anytime, and they were more than happy to play with whatever I wanted to play with.

But I would point out how it sometimes makes him feel when the other child doesn't want to play what he wants, and to remember this in the future that other children may have the same feelings (doesn't seem like this boy in particular does, but other children in general)

[_MrsC_]

I don't think I'd tell him to be more assertive about where they play. I would tell my son that everyone has free will and sometimes other people make choices we don't like. I would then tell my son that at those time he can either play separately, go with the other boy, or not play with him. That's pretty much reality right? He has no right to make the other boy do anything, and the other boy has no right to make your son do anything. If the boy is just being constantly contrary, then this is a great time to teach good skills for dealing with contrary people.

It also might help to talk to the other boy's mother. This also might be a great time for her to talk to her boy about considering the wishes of a friend.

This is pretty much what I've been telling him. I just feel bad for him. It doesn't help that they usually only get to play in the late afternoon/early evening and are getting tired and hungry.

The thing is, I have pretty mixed feelings about the boy in general. For the most part he is a nice, well mannered boy. But he does tend to be contrary. I get tired of hearing "I don't like that", "I don't want to" ALL.THE.TIME.

[JudyJudyJudy]

I'd probably just limit their playing to outside.

[StillSingingMom]

I'd limit their playing to outside too. In view of their ages, I wouldn't expect them to negotiate reasonable compromises well. A year's difference can be a lot when they are so young.