He's baaaaack

[3girls2luv]

DD1 is talking to her ex bf, yes the one who made her cry, the one she vowed never to speak to again.

Ugh I don't know how to handle this. She told me that he wanted to see her and she told him that she was NOT going to the movies with him and that she was NOT getting back with him.

Well the persistent boy convinced her to go to the movies. She told me about it last night and I sat and talked to her about making her own choices and that she initially did not want to go to the movies and that just because he wants to take her to the movies does not mean she HAS to go.

I could forbid her to go which is what I am leaning more towards but the outcome could be bad because it might make him more desirable.

The bottom line is that I DO NOT LIKE THIS KID. He is too pushy but in a quiet way and this is exactly how XH was and then he sucked the life out of me and became abusive.

WWYD? Would you put your foot down and tell her NO WAY, OVER MY DEAD BODY? Would you let her make her own choice even though you know he will hurt her again? She had 3 boys ask her out this weekend so its not like this is the only boy in her life. They don't even go to the same school which is a good thing. He is a junior this year and plans to go to a university over 200 miles away. Anyway this is really stressing me out so I need some advice on this. TIA

[ima062002]

Yes, no way over my dead body. Tell her to stick to her original vow - never to speak to him again and remind her of each time he made her miserable; the more examples you can remember, the better.

My parents were once bothered by me dating a guy but never really, truly put their foot down. I wish they had.

[Candi]

I would not say over my dead body. My parents did that once, I ended up with him for 3 years.

If she is old enough to date she is old enough to decide who to date. I would keep talking to her the way you have been to encourage, but not force, her not to see him.

[ima062002]

How old were you Candi? What is old enough to date? I was 17 when I dated a 23 year old dirt bag who cheated on me. I was so devastated and ended up hating men for a long time. I wish my parents had put their foot down and seen to it that I can't see him. Did your parents enforce their "law"?

[Candi]

How old were you Candi? What is old enough to date? I was 17 when I dated a 23 year old dirt bag who cheated on me. I was so devastated and ended up hating men for a long time. I wish my parents had put their foot down and seen to it that I can't see him. Did your parents enforce their "law"?

I have no idea what old enough to date is, LOL. My parents wouldn't let me date before 16. I think I was 16 when this started. In this particular case, the boy was black and from the city. That was thier only reasons.

They would stand in front of the door and lock it. It was about 3 months of sneaking around before they let me do what I wanted. I was also devested when this relationship was over, probably because it was my first real relationship. Took me about a year to get over him. He did cheat on me in the last few months, but the relationship was pretty much over by then.

It definalty soured me on the "over my dead body" plan. I wish instead they would have approached me and discussed the real issues. Perhaps they were worried that he did drugs and didn't want me exposed (he didn't) Maybe they were worried I would be critized for dating a black person (I wasn't and wouldn't have cared if I was) I don't know. But I think (note I said think) that perhaps it is a better opportunity to talk about who is right for you, and why some people are not meant to be.

[QuiltyConscience]

She's 15, right?

I simply wouldn't let her go to the movies or spend time alone with this guy. There have been some problems with this guy before, it isn't a healthy situation. At 15, even 16, I think parents can and should have veto power about where their kid is going and who they are going with.

Just because she is allowed to date, doesn't mean she should be allowed to date anybody and go anywhere.


How about making the rule that if he wants to see her, he has to come to your house and have dinner with you. They can watch a movie right there at the house on TV. With the family. Or a group of friends.

Some 15 year olds are mature enough to date on their own, and some are just not mature enough to make good decisions and stick to them. Honestly , I don't think your DD is ready to date one on one just yet.

If he can talk her into the movies when she doesn't want to go, what else do you think he can talk her into when they are alone?

[QuiltyConscience]

How old were you Candi? What is old enough to date? I was 17 when I dated a 23 year old dirt bag who cheated on me. I was so devastated and ended up hating men for a long time. I wish my parents had put their foot down and seen to it that I can't see him. Did your parents enforce their "law"?


Old enough to date depends on the kid. And kids still need plenty of guidance and limits when they do start dating.

[Candi]

Some 15 year olds are mature enough to date on their own, and some are just not mature enough to make good decisions and stick to them. Honestly , I don't think your DD is ready to date one on one just yet.

If he can talk her into the movies when she doesn't want to go, what else do you think he can talk her into when they are alone?


I don't really know you or your daughter, but IMO if she's not ready to date one on one (which is what I call dating) then I think it's still cool to forbid it. Since you are also forbidding them being alone. Not so much that you aren't allowing her to date him, but she's not allowed to date anybody becuase she's not ready.

He could always come over and hang out with the family, LOL. Bet he doesn't come around too often then.

[Candi]

Old enough to date depends on the kid. And kids still need plenty of guidance and limits when they do start dating.

I agree. Such as curfews. And where they go. Do you think WHO should also be restricted?

[3girls2luv]

QC you read my mind I really do not like how he can talk her into somthing she had already said no to.

Having him over would be an option too but I DON'T LIKE him (sad but true) and even dd2 thinks its a bad idea. DD2 told DD1 that she "needs to think about what she is doing." Sometimes I think dd2 is older than dd1.

I never let dd1 go to the movies alone with this guy and either his mom and her bf go along but this time his sister (25yr old) and her DH are taking them but they will be watching a different movie. She is not allowed to one on one date till next month when she turns 16.

I talked to her last night and told her about what he has done to her and how miserable she was when they were together and how jealous he acted etc... she said "but he has changed and so have I" She sounds just like I did when I was with her dad. I told her that she needed to move forward. She listened but still begged to go with him. DH says I should not let her go but he does not say anything to her.

[ima062002]

It definalty soured me on the "over my dead body" plan. I wish instead they would have approached me and discussed the real issues.

By all means - I would also discuss it and lay open my reservations. I would listen to my child as well and take that in consideration. But ultimately, it would be my decision and with "over my dead body" I mean that I would not hesitate to say "well, I've decided that you cannot date X, for the reasons I mentioned" and then stay on top of things and NOT cave in after a few months. My parents were the same, just said they didn't like him and that I was not to date him. They made me come home after school but it wasn't enforced for long.

[QuiltyConscience]

I think a lot of early dates should be hanging out in loosely supervised groups or with the family anyway. I think that weeds out a lot of potential problems there.

I also think it's perfectly reasonable to allow dating on a case by case basis - go to the football game with the guy from her class that you know and like, fine.

Go out for dinner in the next city over with the 30 year old divorced guy who has 3 kids? aw hell naw.

[ima062002]

3girls2luv - how has he changed? I think I would ask my child how he has changed, ask for examples and also ask her how she thinks she changed. It's such a wishy washy reply (oh so typical for that age lol) and I would call her on it. I bet she won't be able to give you concrete examples. You could use that to lead the discussion into why you won't allow her to date him.

[Candi]

she said "but he has changed and so have I" She sounds just like I did when I was with her dad.


I don't know how old you were with her dad, so that may come into play, but would having somebody tell you absolutly CAN NOT date him have changed your mind? How would you have reacted to that?

Someone said they wish thier parents put thier foot down. For me it worked opposite. Maybe the best way to determine this if she is so much like you, is how would you have reacted?

As much as you don't like him, if you do decide she could hang with him, I would want to be around. I wouldn't trust his 25yr old sister much. Maybe they could sit in the back of the theater and you in front (near the door, LOL)

[QuiltyConscience]

QC you read my mind I really do not like how he can talk her into somthing she had already said no to.

Having him over would be an option too but I DON'T LIKE him (sad but true) and even dd2 thinks its a bad idea. DD2 told DD1 that she "needs to think about what she is doing." Sometimes I think dd2 is older than dd1.

I never let dd1 go to the movies alone with this guy and either his mom and her bf go along but this time his sister (25yr old) and her DH are taking them but they will be watching a different movie. She is not allowed to one on one date till next month when she turns 16.

I talked to her last night and told her about what he has done to her and how miserable she was when they were together and how jealous he acted etc... she said "but he has changed and so have I" She sounds just like I did when I was with her dad. I told her that she needed to move forward. She listened but still begged to go with him. DH says I should not let her go but he does not say anything to her.

I'm wondering if her begging to go is her teen way of saying she needs help saying no. Maybe she needs to let her parents take the blame for it not working out because she just can't handle it herself.

Sometimes a kid doesn't want to take the heat for their decisions and upset somebody,or look uncool. But if mean ol mom and dad said no, then it can be a fun time of "OMG life is so unfair, my parents are ruining my life, it's so unjust, they just don't understand Now I have to sit in my room and listen to songs and whine for a few days over my tragic loss". . She can call her friends and bitch about it, make a huge deal about it, wear black and mope but secretly, she'll be relieved that she didn't have to deal with it.

I have come to believe that that sort of behavior is enjoyable for teens, and somehow neccessary for their development.

[QuiltyConscience]

QC you read my mind I really do not like how he can talk her into somthing she had already said no to.

Having him over would be an option too but I DON'T LIKE him (sad but true) and even dd2 thinks its a bad idea. DD2 told DD1 that she "needs to think about what she is doing." Sometimes I think dd2 is older than dd1.

I never let dd1 go to the movies alone with this guy and either his mom and her bf go along but this time his sister (25yr old) and her DH are taking them but they will be watching a different movie. She is not allowed to one on one date till next month when she turns 16.

I talked to her last night and told her about what he has done to her and how miserable she was when they were together and how jealous he acted etc... she said "but he has changed and so have I" She sounds just like I did when I was with her dad. I told her that she needed to move forward. She listened but still begged to go with him. DH says I should not let her go but he does not say anything to her.


Wasn't this guy's mom the one who sent your DD a message on Facebook about how your DD was lucky to have dated him since her son could get anybody he wanted?

[still_me]

Wasn't this guy's mom the one who sent your DD a message on Facebook about how your DD was lucky to have dated him since her son could get anybody he wanted?


:puke:

I agree with everything that Quilty has said.


3girls, Could you have a mother daughter sit down talk over a cup of coffee? Maybe you could tell her that you were in a similar relationship (don't say it was her dad) and that you understand how it feels. Could you go from there?

ETA: Is there a book she could read about healthy relationships? I hope someone would have written a book like that for teens by now.

[crystal555rose]

Sometimes a kid doesn't want to take the heat for their decisions and upset somebody,or look uncool. But if mean ol mom and dad said no, then it can be a fun time of "OMG life is so unfair, my parents are ruining my life, it's so unjust, they just don't understand Now I have to sit in my room and listen to songs and whine for a few days over my tragic loss". . She can call her friends and bitch about it, make a huge deal about it, wear black and mope but secretly, she'll be relieved that she didn't have to deal with it.



Really good point!

[TheLorax]

If you don't think she should be anywhere near him she needs to hear that consistently from you. If she's going to sneak around to get to him despite that fact then she at least will know with every sneak that this is against what you think is best for her. Let her make her own decisions but with full knowledge of what you think is right and that if she goes against what you think is safest and healthiest for her she has to do so knowing that you are not going to condone it. Anything less from you is equal to your blessing. If you are wishy washy about your stance how can you expect her to be strong ?

Also, please have her read the gift of fear and the section on how to recognize if the person you are dating / married to has the characteristics of an abusive partner. She'll recognize this boy's behavior in the words and that will have an impact on her, whether she's ready to admit it or not.

http://www.ndvh.org/is-this-abuse/teens-and-dating-abuse/

a good place to start

[3girls2luv]

Wasn't this guy's mom the one who sent your DD a message on Facebook about how your DD was lucky to have dated him since her son could get anybody he wanted?


Yes it was. Which is another reason why I want to forbid her from going. I like what you said about letting her put the blame on me for not being able to go.

I had a talk with her last night and I am hoping she is thinking long and hard about what we discussed since she is off from school right now. I did not give her an answer yet and I will more than likely say no but I just want to make a well thought out decision which is why I come here because some of you have BTDT and some are just plain wise (QC). ;)

[JudyJudyJudy]

I agree completely with Quilty on this.

[JustMoi]

Based on what all you've posted about this saga, she is NOT mature enough to date. She is obviously not strong enough of a personality to do what she feels is right, and goes along too easily with what he wants.

Therefore you should forbid contact. For her own safety. Period.

[StillSingingMom]

I think everybody has made good points.

With my daughter, I'd be leery of straight out forbidding her to see somebody. But my daughter would really rebel.

Except if I felt that the situation was unsafe.

How's that for a wishy-washy answer? However, I've already discussed with my older two kids how I expect them to do some "dating" in a safe environment, which means that I expect them to bring their friends home where I can meet them. We've talked about meeting their families. We've talked about dating abuse, and date rape, and all sorts of things. (My kids are 9 and 8).

I think in this situation, I would insist on going with them on dates, or on their socializing at your house, under direct supervision. For safety. I'd also ask your daughter to date other people as well, which is just a good idea anyway.

[Tweet]

I'd be leery about flat out forbidding it. I wouldn't use that terminology. However, I am not keen on having people in my house that i don't like,trust, or that have hurt my kids.

There is no easy choice here. I wish I had some good advice.

[3girls2luv]

Thanks for all the responses ladies. I had a talk with dd last night and I told her that she would not be going to the movies with this boy and his family.

She was upset and the discussion got a bit heated but I asked her how she felt he has changed and what she wants to get out of this relationship.

Her response was very wishy washy and she could not tell me straight forward how this boy has changed.

She then called DH in to the discussion and asked him what he thought and DH said "L do you really want to know what I think? Will you accept my answer no matter who's side you may think I am on?" In which she replied "yes your opinion matters."

Well he told her that he did not feel that this was a positive move for her right now and that if in her heart she feels that this boy is "the one" then it will happen later on when they are both ready to commit to a relationship. He told her that in the 10th grade you should not be in a serious relationship because there is plenty of time for that later and your mind and your heart need time to mature.

Well that was all it took, she called the boy and cancelled the outing and there you have it. I am glad she is letting DH into her life and that really meant a lot to him except how he thinks he is an expert in raising teenage girls ;) he is so cute.

[Candi]

Oh, little girls and thier daddys. So sweet.

[3girls2luv]

Oh, little girls and thier daddys. So sweet.


He's not her bio dad which is why it was very nice that she is actually letting him in her decission making. DH pretty much stays out of making decisions for them but he is always there when they need him. DD2 is very close to him but dd1 is not and she has issues with her bio dad so she never really let her gaurd down with DH.