Breastfeeding and visitation

[jengryz4]

So I don't know anybody that has or is breastfeeding. The story is my son is 9 months old. His father and I have been seperated since shortly after birth and have been going through court so he can establish his rights. I am breastfeeding and have been since birth. He has been going on 5 hour visits twice a week with his dad and was just recently increased by the judge to 9 hours every other sunday. I do want him to have a relationship with his dad but the problem is that he stopped taking a bottle 2 and a half months ago. When he will take it for his dad he takes no more than 2.5 ounces. When he comes home he is starving and doubles up on his feedings. I am afraid of the complications a 9 hour visit could cause. Could he get dehydrated during that period? Will his weight suffer more? He has gained less than a pound in the last 3 months. I am concerned that he won't get his nutritional needs if the only thing he eats during the visit is his baby food. I was told by a lactation consultant that some babies just begin to refuse the bottle since they want the closeness of their mothers breast. We have no problems breastfeeding at home and I love that I can provide this good start for my son. At 1 year of age my ex and his attorney want him weaned because they think breastfeeding is wrong past the essential first year and is wanting him overnights and I don't want to wean then. I want him to wean himself when he is ready and if that means in a year when he's almost 2 I'm still breastfeeding so be it. I love the closeness it gives us, its healthier for him, and so easy and convenient. How do I encourage his relationship with dad while also protecting our breastfeeding relationship? And how do I ensure he still gets his nutrition if he refuses a bottle with dad?

[amkari]

Find and work with a VERY supportive and informed doctor re breastfeeding. If your ped is supportive enough they can write orders that the court will have to follow regarding health. This includes vetoing overnight visitation if there is concern with baby's nutritional needs.

Go to the doctors office after every visit if you have concerns about weight gain or dehydration, create a paper trail. I had to take my DS to the doctor with breathing problems after nearly every weekend visit (he was 2) since he was exposed to so much cigarette smoke at his dad's house. He ended up with breathing treatments after every visit and was sent home with a nebulizer. Finally the judge ordered no smoking withing 50 feet of my son but it didn't help. Too much was on the furniture and in the house.

Your ex and his attorney have NO SAY over when you wean. Besides, overnight visits won't necessarily result in weaning. You can alway pump and send milk for him to drink. It can affect supply though. DS weaned himself at 2.5 due to too many overnights away from me too often.

Good Luck!

[crystal555rose]

One of my coworkers was put in a similar situation, since her daughter was over 1 year it was not "necessary" to breasfeed. Our local La Leche League got the media involved and went so far as to have a protest at the courthouse. Sorry but judges and lawyers are not typically doctors and this type of decision is outside of their jurisdiction.

Definitely find a supportive physician that will assist you. An alternate visititation schedule can be devised, since seeing dad is very important. I do not see why you cannot come up with a creative solution that meets both needs. Be wary of appearing to use breastfeeding as a manipulation tactic to keep dad out of baby's life. This is the angle that dad's lawyers will take to discredit your requests.

[Candi]

For now, I would think it is just like when mom has to work. 2.5oz is fine, my daughter does 3 oz at a serving at daycare. But she does do 3-4 servings over 10 hours. And the reverse cycling is fine too. Perhaps dad could try feeding him with a sippy if he doesn't like the bottle. I understand this sucks, but really the 9 hour seperation is very similar to mom's who have to work, so I wouldn't worry too much.

Now, after a year when they want him overnight....that could be a problem. Perhaps if the total away time was less than 12 hours, you could pump at night and for all missed feedings. IDK, you will have to see exactly what kind of visitation it will be then.

ETA: the lack of weight gain in a 6-12 month old bf baby is fine. Many bf babies do not gain in those 6 months (or gain little) because of increased activity.

[jengryz4]

Thank you for all the advice. I am definately trying to put it all to good use. I definately am not attempting to use breastfeeding as a tactic to keep him away from his dad as his lawyers try to say. I breastfed my last child until he was about 15 months and he weaned himself and there wasn't a custody issue or anything then. Its what's best for him, I love the relationship it gives us, and he is very attached to the boob. :) I encourage shorter more frequent visits with dad. I know his relationship with him is also important. I just don't think overnights are appropriate. The dad knows from past experience that my milk supply will dramatically decrease after 12 or so hours of not nursing. He said that's what he wants because he didn't want him breastfed after 6 months and definately doesn't want him breasfed after a year. His attorney and the judge are saying after a year its not necessary for me to breasfeed so he should get overnights. They aren't talking about a short overnight- they are talking 24 to 48 hours at a time. I am thinking maybe I can use the media as an outlet to bring some heat to this situation. Not many people around our area breastfeed so there isn't much support over here.

[crystal555rose]

What dad wants a 9 month old overnight? Hopefully if you are legally forced to comply perhaps he will see that daytime visits make sense for everyone at this stage of his child's life.

Call La Leche League!

[jengryz4]

He doesn't want him overnights for him. He wants overnights because he knows I don't want overnights. He goes against and fights me on everything I want and think is best. Right now is schedule is so full he only has time for visits twice a week lasting for 5 to 9 hours. All has been court required since I want shorter more frequent visits and he wants long visits. Its a mess. I've tried contacting the Le Leche League before but all they could tell me was about websites they thought could be assistance. And that doesn't help much with this judge who lacks experience in family law.

[crystal555rose]

Do you have a good lawyer? Hopefully the best his money can buy.

I am so sorry you are going through this. It sounds terrible.

[jengryz4]

Thank you. I just wish our son didn't have to be put through all of this. I have a good lawyer now. The first one I hired was just going along with what my ex wanted and just said he would get sick of hearing our son cry at longer visits. So I hired one that was said to be the best and going against this lawyer he has. I want to do what's best for our child and the thought of him staying at dads for extended amounts of time and just crying breaks my heart. He has 9 hour visits every other weekend on top of the 5 hour visits he also gets and when he brought him home from the last long visit dad even said he is very hungry and needs to eat that minute. In my eyes that's not what's best for a child when they won't take a bottle or a sippy cup from the other parent and I have offered many times to go to his house and feed him if our son needs fed. I'm not giving up by no means and I will fight as long as I have to. Its just hard as a mom when you see everything that other people can't see. And its easy for an outside party to say just let him cry and if he's hungry enough he will take a bottle. But when you're the mom you don't want your child to suffer due to other peoples ignorance

[crystal555rose]

I totally agree. I think your argument is compelling and if it a battle of wills then he better get ready. Mom does not back down easily and now has a lawyer that supports her. I also thought the same thing. He is just letting him "cry it out". Ugh. Hang in there! It seems the one that did not choose any of this mess has to be the one that suffers the most.

[StillSingingMom]

In my eyes that's not what's best for a child when they won't take a bottle or a sippy cup from the other parent and I have offered many times to go to his house and feed him if our son needs fed.


If I were the judge, I would listen to this argument above all others.

The best interest of the child should be guiding everyone involved.

And if you are willing to go and feed the baby at daddy's house, then fine.

Just make it clear that you WANT to support baby's relationship with Daddy. And you also want to support your baby's health and nutrition. And you are willing to bend over backwards to do both.

I have a good friend who accepted a limited custody arrangement with his ex while his sons were young, just so that his sons could get the benefits of extended nursing, and paid a VERY generous alimony/child support payment so his kids could be with their mom 24/7. He even found a house right down the street so that they could visit frequently without having to disrupt the boys' environment.

I know everybody can't be that sane. (For one thing, not everyone can find a way to support two households.) But it remains the gold standard for me and caring for children through a divorce.