Tacky or me being hypersensitive?

[Sameach]

Our kids got invited to a neighbor's daughter's 5th b-day party on Saturday. The invite says it will be a pumpkin carving party. Then it says:

We ask that you bring:
Your Own Pumpkins To Carve
A Dish To Share
byob for the adults

We Will Provide:
Stencils & Some Carving Tools
Pumpkin paints
Birthday cake & soda

Am I being OTT or is it tacky to ask the guests to bring their own activity and food to a kid's b-day party? I've always felt that if I can't afford to provide the food and activities for my kids' guests, and if necessary, their parents, I should then adjust the type of party I'm having for them or invite less people.

WDYT?

[HammBugga]

Yeah that's tacky.

[Sym]

I think you should bring quiche.

Yes, it is very tacky.

[JudyJudyJudy]

This is the part that I think is particularly tacky:

A Dish To Share

Now, in my family, we might do something like that, but I'd never consider doing it for a regular birthday party.

[Sameach]

See, the food part I could *almost* get over my issues with, it's the "Bring your own Pumpkin" part that is really chapping my hide. Sorry, but I'm not going to spend $15 on a gift for your kid and another $15 on pumpkins I don't really want for my own three!

[JudyJudyJudy]

LOL, yeah, that's tacky, too.

[Amy_G_]

It sounds like a fun party,
with more of a pot luck theme to it,
community pulling together to have some fun
and there is nothing wrong with that.
If you don't like it,
don't go.

[still_me]

It sounds like a fun party,
with more of a pot luck theme to it,
community pulling together to have some fun
and there is nothing wrong with that.
If you don't like it,
don't go.


This.


Do you already buy pumpkins for you kids? If you do, why would you have to buy three more for the party? Also, it might be more a family party, and you are invited because your kids are friends. I'd have no problem sending that out to family and some of our friends.

[Amy_G_]

I honestly would LOVE to take pumpkins to someone else's house to make the mess of scooping them out, and/or painting them. and have someone else clean up the mess. ;) With little ones we never painted the pumpkins cause I didn't want the mess, but this way you could do it at. someone. else's. house. My idea of fun! ;)

I'm also pretty sure around here you can get a pumpkin for less than $5 each. usually baking pumpkins are in that range--the smaller extra sweet ones. Walmart had em for like $2 each last year, maybe it was $2.88 knowing how Walmart likes things that end in .88 cents.

[Sym]

The host should provide the pumpkins.

"If you don't like it, don't go" sounds very dissmissive.

[melissab]

I don't see a problem with the invite but I'm not one for real formalities with a childs party where I'm inviting family and some friends. I always offer to make something to bring( I like to cook) and byob in my circle would be beer so if you don't drink you don't need to bring. As for the pumpkin, I would get one large one we as a family could carve like we do every year.

This is coming from someone who printed up my kids b-day invites, folded them in thirds put a Star Wars sticker to seal it and mailed it that way. I maybe a tacky b-day inviter.

[KatieLou]

Tacky. Bring a dish? Really. That is cool for a cookout, but not for a childs birthday party IMO. Maybe if you were close family and they asked you to help out, but that is on the invite? But, if you really want to go I suppose you find a pumpkin, make a dish, and go. Never would I say something.

[Sameach]

Uh, I've been on this earth for 34 years. I do realize that if I don't want to participate in the event as advertised, I have the option not to go. Of course I would never say anything to the host, please. It is for that reason that I posted this on an anonymous board instead of my FB page. I simply want to know if other people have as high a tack-o-meter as I. Obviously some do, some don't. Such is the way of the world...

Man, and I was trying so hard to have a "productive" post.:rolleyes:

[KatieLou]

:oI was not trying to be smart. I applogize if I sounded that way.

[StillSingingMom]

I think it is tacky, for several reasons. If it were not a birthday party, it would be okay. But since it is a birthday party, it puts quite a burden on the attendees. Normally you bring a gift to a birthday party. Now you have to bring a gift, a potluck dish, and pumpkins.

And many people already have their pumpkins, and not everyone has room or patience for an extra set. Or some of us have special pumpkin carving traditions, and it isn't quite the thing to assume that you can just replace them.

I actually think a carving party sounds fun, but such a thing would cause a logistical problem in our household. My kids insist on pumpkin equity; everyone must have the same number of pumpkins. Bringing home additional pumpkins would overload the porch and force me to have another carving session for the non-attending kids.

In general, it is my opinion that if you have the sort of relationship with people where you can discuss non-standard arrangements for parties, then you should discuss it and invitations will not come as a surprise. If not, then it is safest to assume that others are busy or budget limited and not stress them out.

[Sameach]

Gotcha. FTR, I didn't think "just do not go" was dismissive, just obvious! KatieLou, I didn't take it that way--in fact, I agree. This party requires too much participation for my 36-week pregnant, fat, uncomfortable, grumpy self. I love reasons to get out of going to kid birthday parties, and it is 100% guaranteed that Thing 1, 2, and 3 will not even know that they were invited to this one. It rocks when they are old enough to be able to be dropped off!

[HammBugga]

I'm actually ok with the whole potluck thing but the wording isn't quite right. It sounds more like a command than a request. IMO if you are planning to have a pumpkin carving party YOU should provide the pumpkin, otherwise don't do it. I understand it is costly. If an idea you have is too costly, think of something else. Don't TELL your guests they have to bring a pumpkin. What if your guests can't afford pumpkins? I guess they can't come then because who wants a disappointed kid who is the only one there who can't carve a pumpkin. And who wants to explain to their kid that they can't attend the party because they don't have the money for a pumpkin? Blech.

[busy_i_am2007]

Whenever I have a birthday party, either with just family or some friends, I supply everything. The dinner, cake, drinks, and games. I'm just that way. I don't feel comfortable having people bring food and things to the birthday parties that I throw.

So I do find it tacky that they expect you to bring stuff.

[Nipple_nectar]

The host should provide the pumpkins.

"If you don't like it, don't go" sounds very dissmissive.

Do you have any idea what it would take to pick up fifteen pumpkins for a party? That sounds overwhelming to me, although just carving that many pumpkins sounds overwhelming to me!

I don't think it's tacky, I think in todays economy, we all need to adjust our perception to accommodate others. I would be willing to do all that for a fun, fall afternoon.

Besides, everyone has their own idea on the size of the pumpkin they think is ideal, I think the invite is acceptable.

[Suzzzz]

If I throw the party I supply everything needed. The only way I ask people to bring things is if it's a family get together and I volunteered my home. Even then I provide most everything (booze, pop, snacks) and everyone else brings one dish.

If they can't afford the party they should scale it down. I think it's very tacky.

[HammBugga]

Do you have any idea what it would take to pick up fifteen pumpkins for a party? That sounds overwhelming to me, although just carving that many pumpkins sounds overwhelming to me!

I don't think it's tacky, I think in todays economy, we all need to adjust our perception to accommodate others. I would be willing to do all that for a fun, fall afternoon.

Besides, everyone has their own idea on the size of the pumpkin they think is ideal, I think the invite is acceptable.


Then they shouldn't be doing it.

[Candi]

I would have supplied a small to medium pumpkin gotten cheap from a farmer $3-$5 (we have lots around here) and supplied it as the party favor.

To someone who said they wouldn't like it because there other kids would complain becuase they didn't get to carve pumpkins too...???? Really? So aren't the other kids upset that they didn't get to go to this birthday party, carving pumpkins or not? I don't see how that would be an issue. Not everything is exactly equal in each childs life.

For the bring a dish, I would only have done with close family, and they wouldn't have needed an invitation. Or for summer cook-outs.

[irisheyes81]

Do you have any idea what it would take to pick up fifteen pumpkins for a party? That sounds overwhelming to me, although just carving that many pumpkins sounds overwhelming to me!


Really they (the hosts) could have just bought those little pumpkins; they do not cost much. Or, if they really want to carve larger pumpkins, they could have just invited fewer kids and kept the cost down.

I really don't think much about other people's parties, which is why I really do not have a problem with the invitation (though, I do agree with Hamm that the wording is really bad). I have no problem supplying people with food and supplies for their parties, especially if they are friends or family. I would have provided the pumpkins if it was my party, though, and I would never request other people to bring food to a party...birthday or not. A holiday dinner...yes; a party...no.

[Jonquil]

I wouldn't even want to host a get together like this unless we're talking close friends/family only. IMO, with all the potential problems, it would be easier to provide everything myself. What if casual verbal invitations have also been issued and those people don't look at the written invitation? They wouldn't know to bring pumpkins or a dish and would feel bad for not contributing, plus their kids wouldn't have pumpkins.

What if people do read the invitation and just decide not to bring any of the stuff? (or can't afford it, but still wanted to come?) What do you do with the kids who are sitting around with nothing to do while everyone else is carving pumpkins? What if you end up not having enough food? What if you end up with all side dishes or all meats? This can happen with potlucks if there isn't communication as to who's bringing what.

This in itself puts a burden on the guests. What do I bring? How many people should I expect the dish to serve? What if I don't have time to make anything? What if I suck at cooking? If you have to buy a dish to feed a crowd, it could get expensive. That could still be true even if you make it yourself.

I don't like the idea of a "forced" potluck. For people who aren't into cooking, it could be a real PITA to figure out what to do. And what if a bunch of people decide to say "screw it, I'll just bring a bottle of wine"? Then you end up with a dozen bottles of wine and no food.

[irisheyes81]

At the pot lucks I received invitations to, the host usually provided the main course and some sides, and the food brought was just extra. That does not sound like the case in this situation, though, and that really might cause some problems.

[HammBugga]

I would have supplied a small to medium pumpkin gotten cheap from a farmer $3-$5 (we have lots around here) and supplied it as the party favor.

To someone who said they wouldn't like it because there other kids would complain becuase they didn't get to carve pumpkins too...???? Really? So aren't the other kids upset that they didn't get to go to this birthday party, carving pumpkins or not? I don't see how that would be an issue. Not everything is exactly equal in each childs life.

For the bring a dish, I would only have done with close family, and they wouldn't have needed an invitation. Or for summer cook-outs.


Do you even HAVE children? Of course they would be upset if everyone else was carving pumpkins and they couldn't. We are talking about 5 year olds here. The disappointment of not going to the party far outweighs the disappointment they would have seeing everyone else having fun while they sat on the sidelines.

[HammBugga]

I wouldn't even want to host a get together like this unless we're talking close friends/family only. IMO, with all the potential problems, it would be easier to provide everything myself. What if casual verbal invitations have also been issued and those people don't look at the written invitation? They wouldn't know to bring pumpkins or a dish and would feel bad for not contributing, plus their kids wouldn't have pumpkins.

What if people do read the invitation and just decide not to bring any of the stuff? (or can't afford it, but still wanted to come?) What do you do with the kids who are sitting around with nothing to do while everyone else is carving pumpkins? What if you end up not having enough food? What if you end up with all side dishes or all meats? This can happen with potlucks if there isn't communication as to who's bringing what.

This in itself puts a burden on the guests. What do I bring? How many people should I expect the dish to serve? What if I don't have time to make anything? What if I suck at cooking? If you have to buy a dish to feed a crowd, it could get expensive. That could still be true even if you make it yourself.

I don't like the idea of a "forced" potluck. For people who aren't into cooking, it could be a real PITA to figure out what to do. And what if a bunch of people decide to say "screw it, I'll just bring a bottle of wine"? Then you end up with a dozen bottles of wine and no food.

Very good points. If I was invited to this party I would have no idea what to bring since it just said "bring a dish". I bet they end up with 3 potato salads and 5 fruit salads and nothing else.

[HammBugga]

Oh and the cheapest pumpkins I have seen here are $7 at the grocery store. For 3 kids (as in the case of the OP) that is $21 and probably $10 on food and if they are bringing a present that is even more. Considering just the stuff they are required to bring (food and pumpkins) that is $31! For someone on a fixed income that is a lot of money. Maybe the difference between gas in the car or not for the week.

[Sym]

Why not just have a pony-ride party and tell everyone to bring their own pony.

[Candi]

Do you even HAVE children? Of course they would be upset if everyone else was carving pumpkins and they couldn't. We are talking about 5 year olds here. The disappointment of not going to the party far outweighs the disappointment they would have seeing everyone else having fun while they sat on the sidelines.

No, you missunderstood. Or maybe I missunderstood you. I thought someone said that if one of their kids got to go to the party and carve a pumpkin, then the other kids that did not go to the party but are in the same family need pumpkins to carve too at home.

Of course I have kids, and a 4yr old that is attending tons of 5yr old parties.

[irisheyes81]

I think you misunderstood someone's post. Either that or I skimmed over that part of one of the posts. :)

[HammBugga]

I must have missed that but yeah, if you are bringing it home and the other kid is bragging about carving it then any kids that weren't at the party will likely feel left out. It's up to you if you wanna hear the whining or just allow them to carve at home.

[crystal555rose]

I have had a pumpkin carving party for my brother's 17th birthday. I sent out invitations but everyone was close friends and family, so there was also discussion as to what they needed to bring. I supplied all the food and I bought many pumpkins, but my guests assumed they should also bring pumpkins. They also offered to bring side dishes, drinks, alcohol, etc.

I probably would not do this with small children for all the reasons mentioned and more.

[Candi]

I actually think a carving party sounds fun, but such a thing would cause a logistical problem in our household. My kids insist on pumpkin equity; everyone must have the same number of pumpkins. Bringing home additional pumpkins would overload the porch and force me to have another carving session for the non-attending kids.


I had to go back and find it to make sure I wasn't going crazy. Should have quoted it the first time around. My point is that the child going to the party is going to get to do a lot of things that the other children will not, games, prizes, party favor, cake, ice cream. You don't need to recreate the party for the other kids staying home. One day they will get to go to thier own friends party. I see a carved pumpkin as a cute party favor.

[Amy_G_]

Nobody RSVP's anymore.
So you have to bring your own pumpkin. Otherwise the host invites all 30 kids from the classroom, buys 30 pumpkins and then only 5 kids show up.

I think it's a pumpkin party, potluck party,
with a small 5 year old's birthday party on the side.

To me the birthday part seems kind of like a side effect,
and honestly that's how most of my birthday parties were growing up. You'd come over to eat and then maybe have cake and sing happy birthday.

If you can't afford the pumpkins, call the host and ask if she knows a cheap place to buy pumpkins, she may offer to buy you a pumpkin, or she may know the best place with the lowest price.

[Candi]

Also, if I were to it this way, I would have a couple extra pumpkins in case somebody "forgot" to bring one.

[Tweet]

I think it sucks that people don't rsvp anymore,honestly. It's rude,imo.

I don't think it's about being able to afford a pumpkin. But if I'm taking time out of the day for my kid to go to a party,we buy a gift and go, yeah..I think it's tacky to ask a guest to bring a pumpkin. If the parents don't want to be stuck buying pumpkins ,they should just omit the pumpkin thing. There are other things that can be done that don't require your guests bringing their own party favors,lol.

[kasumisniper]

It sounds like a fun party,
with more of a pot luck theme to it,
community pulling together to have some fun
and there is nothing wrong with that.
If you don't like it,
don't go.


I agree. especially in this economy. As much as you would hate to spend $15 on pumpkins (which seems high, they're about $6-9 here), imagine spending that times however many guests you have. Plus, who says you need to spend that much on a gift? I spend $5-10 on gifts for Jonas' friends b-day parties. And that's when we don't just go to the dollar store.
It sounds like it will be fun.

[Melody]

Tacky with a capital T. This isn't some community event as some are suggesting. This is a PRIVATE child's birthday party. If you can't afford to provide the stuff for your kid's party, do something cheaper. It's that easy. Don't expect everyone else to make your kid a party (which the guests would be doing by supplying the birthday activity AND the food).

[StillSingingMom]

I had to go back and find it to make sure I wasn't going crazy. Should have quoted it the first time around. My point is that the child going to the party is going to get to do a lot of things that the other children will not, games, prizes, party favor, cake, ice cream. You don't need to recreate the party for the other kids staying home. One day they will get to go to thier own friends party. I see a carved pumpkin as a cute party favor.

I stand by my problem. Going to a party not attended by the other children is one thing. Walking by a pumpkin that the other kid brought home every time we go through the door would cause me more headache than I would want to handle.

I wouldn't recreate the party, that's a little OTT. But I would have to provide additional pumpkins or hear about it EVERY DAY. No thank you.

You might not have this issue with your kids, but I have it with mine. I have four kids who are pretty close in age, and the younger two are definitely not old enough to be gracious about things.

[StillSingingMom]

I think it sucks that people don't rsvp anymore,honestly. It's rude,imo.

I don't think it's about being able to afford a pumpkin. But if I'm taking time out of the day for my kid to go to a party,we buy a gift and go, yeah..I think it's tacky to ask a guest to bring a pumpkin. If the parents don't want to be stuck buying pumpkins ,they should just omit the pumpkin thing. There are other things that can be done that don't require your guests bringing their own party favors,lol.

For me it would start to be about the pumpkin, honestly. My older two kids are almost always invited to things together, as are the younger two kids. So two pumpkins, plus at least one gift; and these are the pumpkins that I hadn't planned in my budget. Now I have to decide whether to listen to the younger kids cry about not having more pumpkins, or buy them pumpkins, too.

It adds up fast.

[kasumisniper]

Tacky with a capital T. This isn't some community event as some are suggesting. This is a PRIVATE child's birthday party. If you can't afford to provide the stuff for your kid's party, do something cheaper. It's that easy. Don't expect everyone else to make your kid a party (which the guests would be doing by supplying the birthday activity AND the food).


Your friends and family are members of the community.

[Meredith]

I haven't read the entire thread yet, but I think that having the invitees bring a pumpkin *and* a dish is a little much. Honestly, I wouldn't be offended if asked to bring one or the other (although, it's usually best to provide everything if you're hosting a kids' party), but I would be a little overwhelmed at the idea of having to bring both.

Even so, I think I'd still go. It does sound like fun. I actually like parties where everyone brings a dish. It's a nice opportunity to try new stuff and get some new recipes. It adds a lot of variety and flavor to a party.

[BeanBabies]

I sent out 9 invites for Bean's b-day. I left my number on the bottom and requested calls for NON-attdndance only. Two people called...and they were both confirming that they'd be there.

I figured I'd try and make it easier but ha!

[RaisingThemLeft]

If it was just a neighborhood pumpkin carving party I'd say great. Sounds like fun, let's carve pumpkins and have a potluck. But it's a child's birthday party, and they are mentioning that on the invite. I'd be annoyed that I'm being invited to a birthday party to which I'm expected to bring a gift, my child's activity, AND food. Sounds like an expensive party to attend. Also, unless this is happening a day or two before Halloween, the pumpkins are going to rot. btdt. So if it's this weekend, you'll have to buy all new pumpkins by the time Halloween rolls around.

[RaisingThemLeft]

I must have missed that but yeah, if you are bringing it home and the other kid is bragging about carving it then any kids that weren't at the party will likely feel left out. It's up to you if you wanna hear the whining or just allow them to carve at home.

I have three kids and I wouldn't. I feel no need whatsoever to equalize for every party my kids attend. What if my 9 yr old comes home bragging about this cool doo dad that he got in a goody bag? Am I going to immediatly run out to the store and find a doo dad for ds's 2 and 3? I'd just tell them that they get to do fun stuff with their friends and attend birthday parties too. They do gripe about this stuff and to a kid nothing is ever fair and you can't please everyone all the time. They need to learn about life's little disappointments.

[tata]

Erm...

Sure, it's tacky. I guess I'm of the opinion that sometimes tacky is okay and other times, it chaps my ass. :shrug: That's not terribly helpful, I suppose.

[RaisingThemLeft]

The "tacky" isn't what would bug me about it. It would be the choice between feeling totally put out by the obligations if my kid wanted to attend vs. having to tell the kid no. So I'd probably end up being put out rather than telling the kid no I don't want to cook a meal and buy pumpkins so you can attend this party.

[HammBugga]

I have three kids and I wouldn't. I feel no need whatsoever to equalize for every party my kids attend. What if my 9 yr old comes home bragging about this cool doo dad that he got in a goody bag? Am I going to immediatly run out to the store and find a doo dad for ds's 2 and 3? I'd just tell them that they get to do fun stuff with their friends and attend birthday parties too. They do gripe about this stuff and to a kid nothing is ever fair and you can't please everyone all the time. They need to learn about life's little disappointments.


I don't consider a carved pumpkin (and the process of it) around Halloween time a "do dad".

[RaisingThemLeft]

I don't consider it a big deal at all. All of my kids will carve pumpkins. Whether one carves two and another carves one isn't really an issue.

[EvilAmy]

I like the word "doo dad."

[RaisingThemLeft]

Me too:)

[vulturemom]

is it a bit tacky? yes

But I do have to say the thrower of the party is either very brave or delusional. I don't think I would attempt to tackle pumpkin carving with a large group of children by my self. I would have nightmares about it for weeks before that party if it was me.

[irisheyes81]

LOL...I know. It seems like it is going to be a very long, exhausting event. Maybe they are assuming the parents will be staying, though.

[kohlby]

I don't think it's tacky to ask guests to bring something - but I think it should be limited to one thing, like the pumpkins or a dish to share. (Though I'm a fan of alcohol at kids b-day parties, I'd never do BYOB since I want to have the control over how much alcohol there is). Personally, I wouldn't ask guests to bring anything to a b-day party but I wouldn't be put off by being asked to bring one thing. If the host can't afford the party, she could put "instead of presents, bring a dish to share." Or do what I do - have parties not during a meal time!