CaptHeather
10-19-2007, 11:59 AM
Pages: 1
LuvaBaby
Member
I never know quite what to say when people ask me how many children I have. Here's some typical responses from me....
*I have 4.
*I have 4. 3 here and 1 in Heaven.
*I have 3.
I want to acknowledge Noah, but I don't want people to be sad and sorry. I don't mind telling people about him, but I hate it when they get bumfazzled because they don't know what to say. It's not their fault, but unless you've been through it yourself there really are no words. KWIM?
So I'm interested in hearing what you would say if it were you, and if you've lost a child, What do you say?
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Ruby Pearl
Member
My sister usually words it "4 living" and lets them ask any further if they want to know. I do the same if anyone asks me how many she has. My friend does the same, but it's "3 living" for her. She lost her first child through a brain tumour.
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amyk
Unregistered
We have dealt with this too. Dr Laura the other day had a very good answer that I have decided to go with.
When people ask how many children do you have, its stated in present tense. Therefore the answer would be 4 (for us). (Pardon my seeming insentive on this part)They are not asking how many kids alive/passed away all together.
It mainly depends on if you want to go into detail just b/c the next questions that usually follow. That, and I noticed it tends to make the other person feel awkward like they have to comfort or consol me, so I have decided to just not say it. I need to remember that I'm not one for public grief so I know everybody reacts/handles things differently.(Here has been the exception due to the fact no one really knows me here)
When I name off or number my children I just make a mental acknowledgement which usually makes me smile while doing it. When I get to know someone or there is a discussion that it would be relevant to is when I mention Nana, then I just go from there. But your right, unless you've been there, words tend to fail.
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Cola
2 boys are always more fun
I know it is not at all the same thing, but my only sibling died when I was 14. Now at 25 when people ask if I have any siblings I say yes, a big brother in heaven. They can ask more if they want. My mom always said she had two children, she liked the chance to get to talk about her son.
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Murphy's Law
Member
Well, luvababy, you probably experienced this too. When I was pregnant with dd (after I lost ds), people would ask me daily "Is this your first?" And I would always say "No, my second". It's not that I didn't want to explain it to them but I figured if I offered too much information then they would feel badly. Some just accepted the "no, my second" for an answer. Others would try to make small talk "How old is your first?" or "What do you have at home, a boy or a girl?" If they kept up with the questions, I would just say "My little boy passed away almost 3 years ago". If they didn't ask, I didn't tell.
But as a general answer, when people say "How many kids do you have?" I usually just say I have a little girl and I had a little boy. (Some catch it, but most don't) I never want to deny my son's existence but sometimes I do just to protect other people. Those times are rare though - I've probably done that less than 5 times in 3 years. It doesn't hurt me to talk about it - because I lived it - that was the worst part! I find that talking about it can actually be quite healing. But people never know what to say. It's awkward, I'm sure, for them. I used to be in their shoes, not knowing what to say to a bereaved mom. I wish I still was!
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LuvaBaby
Member
Exactly! It can be soooo awkward. Yes, Murphy's Law, I did experience the same questions.
Those that knew me were like, " I could never go through that. I wouldn't be able to handle it." This one girl where I worked at the time said that so much one day I finally said, "You know, It's not a choice. If it were I would have chosen for him to live, but I didn't get a say and you wouldn't either. You just have to take what you're given."
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Mt.Momma
Unregistered
I have 5 children 2 here & 3 in heaven. That's what I say to people I say it with a gental smile ( like it's an ok smile).
I'm ok if they are sad about it, but it gives me a chance to share what medicaly went wrong with me. ( So that I maybe able to help others)
LuvaBaby
Member
Mt.Mama, I had no idea you had angel baby's too. Thanks for the advice.
Mary Mary
Member
LuvaBaby, I know what you mean about those who say, "I could never handle that!"
Thing is, anyone I've encountered who HAS had to deal with something going tragically wrong in their lives have usually coped relatively well. Because, after all, what's the alternative? You either suck it up and get on with your new reality...or you end up on a psych ward somewhere.
I actually know someone who DID have a nervous breakdown, just in reaction to SO many changes in her life quite suddenly. Taken individually they were all actually fairly positive changes, but they all came at her so fast AND she already had an teenage autistic daughter to deal with, that she just went off the deep end for a little bit.
As for myself, after three miscarriages in a row I'm starting to get, "You're coping so well. I'd be a mess," or some variation of that fairly often.
I just tell people that there's no cosmic complaint counter where my righteous indignation would count for a thing...so I just get on with life.
You are SO right in that no one ever has a choice about these things. The only 'choice' would be to not even TRY to have kids in the first place and for me that's just not a palatable choice.
After this third miscarriage I had one person (my sister-in-law) state openly that she hoped we'd just give up trying for any more kids. Fortunately I know that her biggest concern is our emotional well-being and my physical health...but I still have to wonder how many people are THINKING that and not SAYING it.
I told her that for me, NOT trying would be harder emotionally right now than trying. I'd really like more kids and I've got to give it my best shot while I still have time. If it never does happen for us again then so be it, but I HAVE to know that I did what I could before it was too late.
Murphy's Law
Member
I've been told I coped so well also. Whenever anyone says that, I always reply with "What was the alternative? You would have done the same things!" I guess they're trying to be helpful, but it's more of an annoyance to me. Did they want me to (or expect me to) collapse in the middle of the room every time I saw something that reminded me of my son? Because that's what I FELT like doing! Anyhow, we just cope the best way we can.
Chantal's mom
Member
I just read the story about Marshall and I replied to it. I was being honest in what I said. Why do I now feel like an ass after reading this thread? In my reply I said something like " I couldn't bear it". I know that I probably would get through it but to look at my Chantal right now and imagine her gone is too much. So please forgive me if I am an " annoyance" for wanting to express my sympathy for you. If this sounds harsh I am truly sorry but I feel a bit humiliated.
LuvaBaby
Member
I never know quite what to say when people ask me how many children I have. Here's some typical responses from me....
*I have 4.
*I have 4. 3 here and 1 in Heaven.
*I have 3.
I want to acknowledge Noah, but I don't want people to be sad and sorry. I don't mind telling people about him, but I hate it when they get bumfazzled because they don't know what to say. It's not their fault, but unless you've been through it yourself there really are no words. KWIM?
So I'm interested in hearing what you would say if it were you, and if you've lost a child, What do you say?
Post Extras:
Ruby Pearl
Member
My sister usually words it "4 living" and lets them ask any further if they want to know. I do the same if anyone asks me how many she has. My friend does the same, but it's "3 living" for her. She lost her first child through a brain tumour.
Post Extras:
amyk
Unregistered
We have dealt with this too. Dr Laura the other day had a very good answer that I have decided to go with.
When people ask how many children do you have, its stated in present tense. Therefore the answer would be 4 (for us). (Pardon my seeming insentive on this part)They are not asking how many kids alive/passed away all together.
It mainly depends on if you want to go into detail just b/c the next questions that usually follow. That, and I noticed it tends to make the other person feel awkward like they have to comfort or consol me, so I have decided to just not say it. I need to remember that I'm not one for public grief so I know everybody reacts/handles things differently.(Here has been the exception due to the fact no one really knows me here)
When I name off or number my children I just make a mental acknowledgement which usually makes me smile while doing it. When I get to know someone or there is a discussion that it would be relevant to is when I mention Nana, then I just go from there. But your right, unless you've been there, words tend to fail.
Post Extras:
Cola
2 boys are always more fun
I know it is not at all the same thing, but my only sibling died when I was 14. Now at 25 when people ask if I have any siblings I say yes, a big brother in heaven. They can ask more if they want. My mom always said she had two children, she liked the chance to get to talk about her son.
Post Extras:
Murphy's Law
Member
Well, luvababy, you probably experienced this too. When I was pregnant with dd (after I lost ds), people would ask me daily "Is this your first?" And I would always say "No, my second". It's not that I didn't want to explain it to them but I figured if I offered too much information then they would feel badly. Some just accepted the "no, my second" for an answer. Others would try to make small talk "How old is your first?" or "What do you have at home, a boy or a girl?" If they kept up with the questions, I would just say "My little boy passed away almost 3 years ago". If they didn't ask, I didn't tell.
But as a general answer, when people say "How many kids do you have?" I usually just say I have a little girl and I had a little boy. (Some catch it, but most don't) I never want to deny my son's existence but sometimes I do just to protect other people. Those times are rare though - I've probably done that less than 5 times in 3 years. It doesn't hurt me to talk about it - because I lived it - that was the worst part! I find that talking about it can actually be quite healing. But people never know what to say. It's awkward, I'm sure, for them. I used to be in their shoes, not knowing what to say to a bereaved mom. I wish I still was!
Post Extras:
LuvaBaby
Member
Exactly! It can be soooo awkward. Yes, Murphy's Law, I did experience the same questions.
Those that knew me were like, " I could never go through that. I wouldn't be able to handle it." This one girl where I worked at the time said that so much one day I finally said, "You know, It's not a choice. If it were I would have chosen for him to live, but I didn't get a say and you wouldn't either. You just have to take what you're given."
Post Extras:
Mt.Momma
Unregistered
I have 5 children 2 here & 3 in heaven. That's what I say to people I say it with a gental smile ( like it's an ok smile).
I'm ok if they are sad about it, but it gives me a chance to share what medicaly went wrong with me. ( So that I maybe able to help others)
LuvaBaby
Member
Mt.Mama, I had no idea you had angel baby's too. Thanks for the advice.
Mary Mary
Member
LuvaBaby, I know what you mean about those who say, "I could never handle that!"
Thing is, anyone I've encountered who HAS had to deal with something going tragically wrong in their lives have usually coped relatively well. Because, after all, what's the alternative? You either suck it up and get on with your new reality...or you end up on a psych ward somewhere.
I actually know someone who DID have a nervous breakdown, just in reaction to SO many changes in her life quite suddenly. Taken individually they were all actually fairly positive changes, but they all came at her so fast AND she already had an teenage autistic daughter to deal with, that she just went off the deep end for a little bit.
As for myself, after three miscarriages in a row I'm starting to get, "You're coping so well. I'd be a mess," or some variation of that fairly often.
I just tell people that there's no cosmic complaint counter where my righteous indignation would count for a thing...so I just get on with life.
You are SO right in that no one ever has a choice about these things. The only 'choice' would be to not even TRY to have kids in the first place and for me that's just not a palatable choice.
After this third miscarriage I had one person (my sister-in-law) state openly that she hoped we'd just give up trying for any more kids. Fortunately I know that her biggest concern is our emotional well-being and my physical health...but I still have to wonder how many people are THINKING that and not SAYING it.
I told her that for me, NOT trying would be harder emotionally right now than trying. I'd really like more kids and I've got to give it my best shot while I still have time. If it never does happen for us again then so be it, but I HAVE to know that I did what I could before it was too late.
Murphy's Law
Member
I've been told I coped so well also. Whenever anyone says that, I always reply with "What was the alternative? You would have done the same things!" I guess they're trying to be helpful, but it's more of an annoyance to me. Did they want me to (or expect me to) collapse in the middle of the room every time I saw something that reminded me of my son? Because that's what I FELT like doing! Anyhow, we just cope the best way we can.
Chantal's mom
Member
I just read the story about Marshall and I replied to it. I was being honest in what I said. Why do I now feel like an ass after reading this thread? In my reply I said something like " I couldn't bear it". I know that I probably would get through it but to look at my Chantal right now and imagine her gone is too much. So please forgive me if I am an " annoyance" for wanting to express my sympathy for you. If this sounds harsh I am truly sorry but I feel a bit humiliated.